I can't change who I am...and...

By KatieeSpoon

7.5K 332 335

Erika Holl, suffers from depression and bi polar not to mention agoraphobia. All her life she has been cooped... More

Prologue.
Chapter 1 - Even a person is a trigger.
Chapter 2 - Judging someone
Chapter 4 - I don't want to cause a fight.
Chapter 5 - Without realization...
Chapter 6 - Why is it my fault?
Chapter 7 - I don't remember that.
Chapter 8 - Snapshot this please?
Chapter 9 - Time goes by when you're having fun...
Chapter 10 - Small Spaces.
Chapter 11 - I'm loosing myself.
Chapter 12 - Calmer of the Storms.
Chapter 13 - Bruised.
Chapter 14 - Alone

Chapter 3 - You could've mentioned that?

479 21 12
By KatieeSpoon

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, 

It's about learning how to dance in the rain. 

-----------------

I could feel Cole's hands tightening around my waist. 

"Come on Cole spill the beans, what you gonna do with her? Another one of your nighters?" He then turned to me. 

"You're in for a treat babe, but I think you should change your mind and come with me instead, trust me I am way better."

Trust. I can barely trust myself let alone some stranger. 

"Darren, leaver her alone. It's none of your buisness, and don't talk to her like that again."

"Ooh so Cole is Mr loverboy now? Is he?" A green bottle filled with something smelling revolting, was rasied to his mouth. Drunk. 

"You're drunk. I'm going to take her home, and then you can crash at my place. Got it?"

"I've only...got...you babe" Shivering. A hand bolted up my dress caressing my bum. Screaming I jolted backwards. That's when it all started. Cole had pushed Darren down on the grass, soaking his top as he fell. When me and Cole retreated away and out the field, a hand was pulling me back. 

"Come one babe, don't be like that" Before I knew it, a hand dug it's way into his perfect face, causing him to do nothing but blink and look stunned. Cole had hit him. I felt my body being steared  down path as Cole was running pulling me away from the dark body left behind. 

"Cole, I can't breathe we need to stop." My ankle suddenly fell onto it's side causing a ripple of hurt through my body. 

"Erika we can't, if he catches us who knows what he'll do to you. He always get's what he wants."

Our feet were in a syncronzing pattern as we galloped down towards my house. Well I was attempting to. 

"I mean, I punched him. For real. If he remembers that then I doomed for."

"What how?" Breathessly these words escaped my panting lips. But the real question is how do they know each other?

"You don't punch your best friend, a guy that has saved your life so many times. Do you? Not to mention I still owe him." 

"Best friend?" We stood stationary outside my house until my mother pulled me in. 

"Where have you been? I've been worried sick! Why are you panting?" Her eyes averted up and down us. 

"We had to run..." As these words slipped out my mouth, Cole was in the corner of my eye; signalling me to shut up. 

"Run?" Stifly she turned to Cole.

'You know, I was gonna put our past behind us and let you be welcomed into my daugters life. Obviously you can't go a second without causing a racket with your stupid gang! I thought you were the good guy for once?!?" 

"Look mother you don't understand" Or maybe I didn't. Cole was in a gang? Him and my mother had a past?

"Oh I flipping well do! Erika he's going to get you hurt! You're already running from someone who wants to kill him!" 

"But..." Before I knew it I was uncapable of breathing, my legs and arms were shaking. My hands were surfacing my neck trying to relax my airways. It was too late, a panic attack was reaching towards me, swallowing me into pain and hurt. I'm so stupid. Trusting Cole, I had only just started speaking to him. Yet I had told myself I felt safe with him. My thoughts are all lies. 

Maybe my life is too.

"Erkia!" His voice barracaded my ears, sending me into some sort of frenzy. Needing him, I need him. No matter what, my body had to find him. 

"Don't you dare touch her! Get out! Never come back!" My mothers hands were pushing him out the door, my eyes were being clouded with tears as I saw him staring at me. Guilt, crushing down on him. Trying to reach for his body whilst shaking and screaming, my hand was replaced by my mothers and the door slamming shut. But I wanted his hand there. 

-------------

Dirt.

Water.

Earth.

This could only mean that it was raining outside. My eyes fluttered open, to see my body strewn across my bed. Blankets and pillows were placed oddly around me, as if I had been fidgeting and unable to sleep through the night. The dark sky was seeping through my curtains on the far side of my room, creating the fact that it still nightfall. Red buttons glowed 03:14am to the side of me. 

I sat up and stared blankly around my room. One thing I love about this room, is my mirror is sat right opposite my bed. So in the morning I can just get it over with it and see horrific morning state, without being scared to later. But then again, sometimes it's bad. Right now; for instance. My eyes had a red tinge to them, with mascara smuged beneath. I had been crying. But I don't remember why? I was wearing a huge knitted sweater, I only ever wore this when I was scared of having panic attacks. The smells that uruppt from it always remind me of honey and flowers. My grandma. 

My whole head felt like it could explode, the only solution; more sleep. As I was about to lay down a pain shot through my left leg. Without thinking I was off my bed and walking around my room, trying to get itself to it's natural form. It hurt badly, the bruises along the side of my ankle were deep purples and blacks, why couldn't I remember anything about last night? 

Shreaking from my ankle I slowly made my way to my window to close myself in from the night. But as I did so, a yell came from below it. My lips trembled words out to the body below.

"Who..is-is...th-there?" The green plant that has been growing up the side of our house for as long as I can remember was shaking and moving as two hands riverted up it. As the figure pulled it self up onto my window ledge, I grabbed the closest thing to me and used it as a leathal weapon. Unfortunatly a hair brush isn't the best at causing someone pain. Hands clamped around mine, and I was pulled into the body. 

"Erika it's just me." Whispering, I spun around to see Cole soaking wet with bruises cascading the side of his face. Even though his scruffy, dripping hair was enough to cover them up. The bluish hue still stood out. 

"Cole? What happened?" My arms pulled him in closer and his lips sent vibrations throught the top of my head. 

"Darren, wasn't drunk. He remembered." Darren? Memories flushed into my thoughts...

The shadowed figure...

The pain through my ankle...

The fight between my mother and Cole...

Cole was in a gang with Darren...

Panic...

Attack.

My eyes had, had enough of holding back my emotions and finally a few tears leaked from them. 

"He hurt you?"

"Yes. I'm not allowed to see you again, unless I wanto see you get hurt. But he doesn't know I'm here. For all we know he is partying it up with some Mailibu barbie." His hands stroked my hair and he picked me up sitting my down on the bed with him. Safe. That's all I felt. Or was it the lies speaking?

"Cole...I'm sorry" 

"Erika it's not your fault. I should've said no to taking you out. Your mother and I have been through this."

"You and my mother know each other?"

"Yes. Basically when I had just moved here, your mother thought that I looked like a nice boy. So she sent you on your first outing to get the bread. Little did she know, I was actually being pushed into gangs and groups that were the I guess 'baddies' of the town. Being popular at school here, apparently means that I needed to join a gang of some sort. But I didn't want to. So I would just stay inside all day."

Just like me.

"She thought that I was perfect for you, until she found out about my true self. When I saw you staring at me through the window for the first time, it made me feel as if I wasn't alone. That I wasn't the only one, who was scared of the outside. However, I overcame the fear the night my parents were shot down..."

"Cole, why didn't you tell me? I'm so sorry" 

"I haven't had the time to tell you have I?" I shook my head. His arms pulled me onto his lap with his lips planting a kiss on my fore head. Carrying on he spoke, his words came out forced. As if he was trying to hide his true emotions.

"I told myself that I was going to get back at who ever did this. Why did the guy in the sky, choose my parents to die? I was full of revenge and hatred. That's when Darren came into the picture. He said that he could help me find whoever did this for a price. The price that, I would work for him. Take the blame for the things he did. Beat up the people he wanted to get hurt. A dick. That's what he was. But I was so caught up in hatred and disbelief that I didn't care. I would do anything to stop the heart beat that stopped the one my parents had."

"Have you done it?"

"No. Until I do, however I have to do what Darren says or he'll hurt someone close to me. I've already let myself in for too much to just drop out." 

His eyes looked right into mine. "This is where you come in." What was he talking about? Me?

"One day he visited me at work. He saw you looking through the window at me, smiling. He saw me doing the same back. From that day on, he said that if I ever bail on him. You would be held at a point of death. But I couldn't ever see you get hurt. So I carried on being the worst person alive."

"But why couldn't you ever see me get hurt? We didn't even know eachother?"

"Erika the smallest things can say alot about a relationship, and he saw this in my pocket everyday..." His hands pulled at a crinkled blueish blurr with words and numbers poised onto it.

It was a five pound note.

The five pound note. 

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