I've gone over what I want to say a million times, but as I stand in front of Axel's apartment, it feels like I've lost my mind, maybe I really have gone mad? It's like I've never spoken a word of English before. Everything is scrambled and mashed inside my brain.
My fist bangs against the rough surface of the door. I take a deep breath and tell myself it's okay – everything will be okay. The door swings open and the calm state of Axel's appearance leaves me almost relaxed.
His arms crosses over his broad chest as he straightens up.
"What's wrong?" he inquires. "You look like you're about to pass out."
My finger twirls around the material of my shirt as I hesitantly bite my lip. What isn't wrong?
"Can I talk to you?" I question.
"Sure you can." Axel nods his head.
We walk down the hallway and take a seat on the couch. He sits in the armchair across from me so that it's easier for us to talk.
"What do you want to talk about?" Instead of laying back in the comfort of the plush couch, Axel leans forwards and rests his elbows on his knees. His curious eyes cling to mine as I bite my bottom lip.
"Um, I need you to tell me I'm doing a bad thing," I explain. "My brain keeps telling me I should get back with Blake."
Surprisingly, Axel softly smiles as he shrugs his shoulder. He reshuffles on the chair.
"You know I can't tell you what to do, Ava. I can only encourage you to be happy," he replies.
"But I don't know what to do, that's the problem," I grumble.
"You want to be free, making your own choices is part of it," he notes.
"Being an adult sucks," I groan.
Slumping further into the couch, I slide onto my side and stare at the ceiling. I grab the cushion and put it under my head for comfort.
"What about us? I value my friendship with you and . . ."
"If you decide to go back to your ex-boyfriend, then I'll always be your friend," says Axel. "Friends support their friends."
"You're okay with just being friends?" I ask.
"Yes." He confidently nods.
"Are you upset with me?" I inquire.
Did he ever think about us in a different way? Perhaps if I wasn't still in love with Blake, I'd think about a future with Axel.
"Why would I be upset?" he questions.
"Well, we were, you know. . ." I blush at the thought of Axel and I being intimate. It's silly, but I can't help but squirm at the thought.
A small smile filters onto Axel's face as he nods.
"If things aren't meant to be, then they aren't, but if they are so, then you should follow them," he response.
His interesting commentary makes me think about the twins in Alice in Wonderland, which ultimately makes me think of Blake. Perhaps we really are mad, but most importantly, unsure of ourselves.
"Hm," I mutter.
"It's time for another adventure." He grins.
"I feel like I've hardly been on one." I sigh. "I thought things would have turn out different."
"Maybe you're looking for the wrong adventure?" he offers.
"Perhaps," I agree. "Perhaps you are right."
As Axel gets off the chair, I sit up. He grabs the cushion and then takes a seat. I rest my head in his lap and get comfortable.
"Can you promise me one thing?" asks Axel.
"What?" I smile.
"Remember what you want and don't be afraid to go after it."
"Ah." I sigh happily. "We're one sappy ending away from a cheesy romance story, you know that?"
"Tell me, Ava, what do you want?" he asks. "And I don't know isn't an answer either."
"Well." I ponder. "I want to finish my studies, get a job, and possibly move out."
"And how are you going to achieve those goals?" he asks.
"Work, work, work, work, work, you see me, work, work, work, work." I burst into laughter. Axel continuously pokes my side which makes me wiggle back and forth.
"What are you going to do about Blake?"
"I think I want to try again," I confess. "I miss Blake and I want him to be there for me on this journey. Not as a crutch but as a passenger."
Blake and I promised we'd try and make it through whatever struggles we face. I don't think I can move forward without knowing what might have happened if we tried again.
I want to ask Axel for his thoughts, but I bite my lip and stop myself from saying anything.
"Axel?" I curl into a ball which leaves my butt half hanging off the couch. It isn't comfortable, but I snuggle into the cushion and awkwardly look up.
"You can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it," he explains. "You just have to remember that."
"Thank you, my wise Axel."
"I thought I was fucking amazing kebab master?"
"That's what you named yourself," I point out.
"Hmm." He pokes his tongue out.
After our conversation, I roll off the couch and straighten up. I take Axel's hand and tug him to his feet. I wrap my arms around his waist and he squeezes me back.
"Thank you for listening," I say.
"That'll be one-hundred dollars." He winks.
"Gee, you're selling yourself short." I laugh.
I let go and start walking towards the front door. Axel runs after me to catch up. He pats my shoulder to gain my attention.
"Well then." He frowns. "How about five hundred dollars?"
"I'm so glad we're friends, Axel. I can use mate's rates and get it for free." I grin.
"Oh you, get going!"
Axel opens the front door and I step outside. We wave goodbye and I head home front the day.
When I arrive, Mum walks out of the lounge room to greet me.
"You look different, Ava," she says.
"It's probably because I'm still hung over despite the weekend passing," I suggest.
"Hm." She frowns with disbelief. "Dinner will be ready soon."
"Okay, thank you." I smile.
Mum returns to the kitchen while I walk upstairs. Instead of going to my bedroom, I walk into Logan's and flop on the bed. I snuggle into the pillow and look at the blank wall.
"I suppose I can't ask for your help?" I sigh.
This freedom concept is draining.
"Life... I shouldn't complain about that to you." I frown.
I grab his art journal from the side drawer and walk to my bedroom. Taking a seat on my bed, I pick up the photo frame that's covered with sticky. The broken glass clinks under the tape.
"This is how I feel, Logan," I say. "Broken."
I place the journal beside the frame and lay down. If Blake really loves me and I love him, then we can try again. If I go into this relationship with my own rules, then I know I can be happy.
My first challenge will be to stay strong in the moments I find myself weak. However, with Blake that is a majority of the time.
Are you excited to see Blake and Ava try with their relationship?