Chapter 28
Welcome Back
I feel like going back to America is the worst day of my life. Of course, I'm exaggerating it. But that's what I feel. It's like I'm coming to my day of death, or where my heart will be smashed into a million of pieces again.
My parents see my hesitation as we all walk across the hallway along with the other human species. Yes, being in France for a couple of days did something to me. My parents would like to stay more, but they have a job, and I have school. Which sucks, really. They have come to terms not to extend our stay. In fact, we were supposed to stay for a few more days, according to my mother, but that plan was like just a wind. It was gone. It was just a draft, and father's reasons were valid.
Assignments and lessons and stuff were sent to my email, and believe me, I barely checked my email. See, going back to school is a total fuck-up situation for me. Teachers, probably, expect me to know the lessons, or catch up with them. But they would understand me, right? I would claim that my mind was too caught up with the other things, which led to me having no time at all to review. I answered some of my assignments, but not all. So that would be a valid reason, right? That is a valid reason, of course. My grandmother had just died, and my mind was preoccupied with her death and... other stuff. Yeah, mostly other stuff.
The more I think about school, the more anxious I get.
There's this feeling inside me that just keeps twisting and twisting, inside my stomach. As much as possible, I want Dale to stay away from me as much as possible. I'm trying to move on. And moving on is really hard. He's making it hard for me to do so. I wish I had never met him, wish that he had never gone to our school, wish that I had never tricked Gloss. In the first place, he wouldn't have come here if he didn't know that Gloss had lost his memory and would like to check up on him. It's all my fault.
Perhaps this is the payback time. After I messed Noah and Gloss, this is my karma.
I'm feeling so small. I just want to curl up, cry in the corner of my room, and block everyone out. Right here in this spot, I want to cry out loud, scream his name, and tell him I hate him. Which is not true. Because I could never hate him. I could never hate the person I love most. Dale may be an asshole, but he's my asshole guy. Even though he's never mine in the first place.
Despite what I'm feeling inside, I manage to smile at my parents. A complete fake smile. The last thing I want to happen is to worry my parents. I could hide this forever from them. And I'll make sure they will never know this, that they will never know that I'm still craving for him, wishing that he's mine, wishing him everything is just okay between Dale and I, wishing that breakup bullshit thing never happened. I have fallen hard, fallen in love with him so deep I could never raise myself or get out of the hole I made. It's all my fault. And I deserve this. I deserve the pain, the heartache, everything that is happening to me.
"Baby, let's get high, John Wayne!" Derek sings while he shakes his butt in the air, twerking, standing on my bed and I look at him weirdly. "Every John is just the same. I'm sick of their city games. I crave a real wild man. I'm strung out on John Wayne!"
"Would you just shut it?" I say, annoyed, rolling my eyes. He pouts at me. "Your voice sounds like a dying cat. Seriously. You should go ahead and talk to Nero."
"I don't have his number,"
"Because you did not get it!"
Derek, my idiot of a best friend, crosses his arms across his chest. I remember them barking out each other. I remember when Derek called him a rat and sexy in his mother tongue. Nero was clueless. I've always known he had a thing for Derek. But nah, he claimed to be straight. He always claims to be straight. "You're mean."
Flipping him off, I chortle "Yes, yes, I am." He sits cross-legged on my bed and stares in the distance. Deep down, I know that he really wants to talk to Nero. I mean, he's in love with that guy. But sadly, Nero is a dumb jerk. "Seriously, you should just go ahead and chat him up through Messenger. Or if you want, you can talk to him personally. I'm sure they're coming home for Christmas. Or... I could get his number from Gloss. I'm pretty sure he has it. Or... we can ask Gloss to get Nero's number from his boyfriend. Whichever you prefer, I'm okay with it."
Even though my love life doesn't always work, Derek deserves happiness, too. More than me. He looks at me, hesitant look on his face. He nibbles on his lower lip, as if he's trying to make sense of what I've said before looking at me in the eyes and says "Are you sure? Do you think it's a good thing?"
"Nero just needs a little whack in the head," I say to him. He holds out my hands and for a moment, I life the way silence takes over us. We smile at each other, the way best friends do, and I'm thankful that Derek has become my best friend. "He just needs a little push to realize that he's deeply, madly, freakishly in love with you." He chuckles when I say freakishly.
"Thank you," Derek says, grinning from ear to ear. "You, too. You should give Dustin a chance. Very nice guy. He's really into you. Better than that dickface."
I bite my lower lip, debating whether I should tell him about Dale texting and calling me when I was in Paris, deciding if I should tell him when Dustin told me my grandmother had died, deciding if I should tell him that Dale wanted to talk to me. He's my best friend. So I decide to spill the beans to him. The first look I get is poker face, then anger, then he rolls his eyes at me.
"What the hell? How did he know?"
Shrugging his question, I lie down on my back and stare at the ceiling. In a minute Derek joins me. My parents are just downstairs, watching God knows what on the television. I know, in the middle of watching, they are talking about me. I just feel it.
"What do you think will happen?" he asks me, worriedly.
I shrug again his question, not really having any idea what will happen next. So what if Dale knows that my grandmother died? It's not like he can bring her back to life. But still, the thought of him caring for me, even though slightly, hurts me more than ever. I always crave for his touch, his tongue, his smell, his smile, the feeling of him pressed against me, his lips molding with mine. I miss those. I miss him. So much. More than anything. More than anyone. I really, really, really miss him. I miss him so much I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I miss him so much I wish I had never met him. I miss him so much that it hurts me to miss him. How could only be one person can make you feel like this? It feels like I'm breaking in half, tearing my limbs apart, tearing my heart in two. Every nerve, every piece of me, every beat of my heart, my mind, they all want the same thing: him.
I wish I could say: I'm sorry and I love you out loud when the inevitable happens. When I see him, I know it's either I'm going to cry and run, or kneel in front of him and beg him to take me back in his arms and secure me, make me feel protected.
"It wasn't love. It was a perfect illusion." Derek makes another Lady Gaga reference and this time, I let out a real chuckle, amused. He chuckles along with me.
"It is, isn't it? Perfect illusion."
That time, my best friend and I just lie down on our backs, stare at the ceiling, and enjoy the comfortable silence that is looming over us. I feel troubled, but a little bit calm. Because my best friend is here. And I know that he's going to stay by my side no matter what. That's what best friends do.
Hours have passed, and I find Derek already sleeping, snoring slightly, his chest heaving up and down as he sleeps. The moon is full, and glinting brightly in the sky, along with the other stars. The more I stare at it, the lonelier I feel. If Dale and I were still together, staring at the full moon would be so romantic. But we're not. And all I feel is bitterness when I stare at it.
It was a perfect illusion.
Damn you, Derek for putting that lyrics inside my head.
Deciding that I should go to sleep, I get back on the bed with Derek by my side and shut my eyes. I don't know how long I've been awake. But the last thing I know is my head resting, and my mind goes black, before a deep slumber takes over and lulls me to sleep.
"OH MY GOD, DID WE HAVE SEX?" Derek screams and I jolt up, awake. Derek is half-naked now, and he's staring at me with wide eyes. I roll my eyes at him and lie back down on the bed, ignoring my idiot of a best friend. There's no way I would ever, ever sleep with my best friend. It's like incest. I'm not a big fan. He's basically my brother. "Okay we didn't. Just kidding. It's morning, bitch. We have school."
"Do you really have to remind me?" Though his words get me standing up and heading to the bathroom.
I do my morning routine, the usual stuff, and when I'm dressed as well as Derek, we both head down to the kitchen and find my parents already in their working attire. I greet my parents good morning, same as Derek, and mother places in front of us. Derek and my mother talk for a few minutes while dad is reading the newspaper silently. He missed that. Back in France, when the mornings came, he never drank a coffee or read any newspaper. He was too caught up calming my mother down while staring at Memere's lying figure inside the polished and well-made coffin.
Once done eating breakfast, Derek and I head out and climb into his truck. He asks me "So what are you going to do when you see him?"
"Nothing," is the safest answer. Truth be told, I don't know what I'm going to do once our eyes meet in the hallway of the school. Eye contact is hard, but if our skin makes contact with each other, now I'm going to burst out crying.
"I will always be here,"
"Yeah, I know,"
"I could always punch him in front of you,"
"That would be good, but no, don't hurt him." Because I don't like seeing him hurt. "The last thing I want to happen is more drama. I've had enough of that. So much that it would put Kim K's show to floppiness." My best friend chuckles at that, and then shakes his head at me.
"Well, if you say so." Then we head straight to the school.
My stomach drops, anticipating what will happen next.
Author's Note: You may read the private chapters of my stories on: http://aphroditeworshiper.wordpress.com
Please also read my story on Radish (exclusively) called "Brooklyn Nights".
Thank you,
Mike