I woke up, I heard voices, whispers and crying.
Are they mad?
Are they fighting?
Was it because of me?
"Joshua, breakfast ka na bibi." I heard my yaya said.
"Where's Daddy?" I rubbed my eyes to adjust from the light.
"Ahm. Ah. Natutulog pa kasi sila bibi." I know she was lying. She's always lying.
As I was eating my breakfast I just decided that I wanted to cry. I miss my Daddy but I miss my Mommy the most.
"Bibi why are you crying?" My yaya asked me again.
"I don't like cereals!"
"Okay sige, what do you want? Papalitan ko, wag ka ng umiyak, bibi."
I don't know what I want. I only want my Mommy. I only want my Daddy.
"I want my Mama Annie!" I whined harder. I know Daddy said no whining but...
"Okay. Okay I will call Mama ha? Wag ka na mag cry cry jan. Big boy ka na kaya!"
I just cried. I don't know what I want anymore.
I was looking at our garden and I saw the birds flying around as if they were playing. I wish I could go outside and play with them too. Pero ang bilis nila eh, they flew up there in the sky... malapit kaya yun sa heaven?
I wanna go there.
Sabi kasi ni Daddy, I have a big sister in heaven. He told me that they never saw her but mom and dad still loves her and he said that Ate loves us too especially me. She has a special room that we go to on her birthdays, I wanna go there.
Kaya niya kaya abutin yung birds from where she is? Nagkita na kaya sila?
"Baby Joshy... why did you call?" I heard Mama Anne on the other line. My eyes watered more.
"Mama." That's all I could say before I cried again.
"Why are you crying? What happened? Where's mommy and daddy?" She asked me.
"They're fighting."
"They're what?"
"Fighting."
"I'm sure they're not. But, okay, what do you want Mama to do?"
"Come here please. I want Kuya Alfonso."
"Okay, give the phone back to yaya."
All I could hear was "opo, opo." From Yaya then she gave me the phone again.
"Mama will fetch you okay? Don't tell Daddy or Mommy. I'm on my way, just stay with yaya and eat your breakfast."
I did eat my breakfast and then it didn't take long for Mama Annie to be here.
"Ma'am baka pagalitan ho ako ni Ser."
"Hayaan mo Yaya, pagagalitan ko rin sila." Yun lang sinabi ni Mama and then we left.
"Mama..."
"Yes?"
"Can we go to Ate?"
"Who, baby?" She looks confused.
"Ate." Then she was just staring at me.
"O-Okay, let's go to Ate. I will bring you to her, okay?"
Nagdalawang isip pa si Yaya Balvi kung kakatok ba siya sa pintuan ng mag-asawa. Rinig na rinig kasi sa labas ang pag-aaway ng dalawa. Bilang isang ina, naisip niyang baka tama nga si Anne. Maybe these two needed a wake-up call. And so she knocked.
"Bakit po, Ya?" Tanong ni Vice habang pilit na tinatago ang busangot nitong mukha.
"S-si Joshua po."
"Anong nangyari?" Pagkarinig pa lang sa pangalan ng anak ay naalarma na ang mag-asawa.
"Eh kakatukin ko po sana para mag breakfast na kaya lang pagkita ko po wala na siya sa kwarto."
"A-ano?" Ang tahimik na si Karylle ay biglang napalapit sa asawa. They've been fighting but in times like these, alam niyang ito lang ang kaya niyang masandalan.
"Let's go, let's find him, Vice!"
"What are you doing, bakit hiwalay ka ng sasakyan?" Tanong ni Vice sa asawa.
"This way makikita natin siya agad."
"No!" Ngayon ay matalim na ang boses ni Vice.
"Nawawala na si Joshua, hindi ko na kayang pati ikaw mawala sa paningin ko. You will ride with me." He said with great conviction. All Karylle could do was follow.
"God knows what I could do pag may nangyaring masama sa anak ko Karylle." Bigla na lang iyong nasabi ni Vice.
"Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko eh! He was blaming his self Karylle!"
"I never blamed him Vice!"
"You never did but by ignoring him, it's like telling him that it's still all his fault!" Napasigaw na si Vice.
"I never..." hindi na natuloy ni Karylle ang gusto niyang sabihin. Natamaan siya roon. She was guilty of it, but she never meant to. Akala niya ay kayang punan ni Vice ang pansamantalang paghingi niya ng panahon para sa sarili.
"Hindi lang ikaw ang nawalan, ako rin. But I choose to value the people who are still present around me, nawalan na ako ng isa, hindi ko na kayang mawalan pa ulit." Galit na sinabi ni Vice.
Hawak ni Karylle ang phone niya, ringing Anne's number. When he saw it, Vice quickly grabbed it from her thinking how incapable Karylle is from handling such things right now.
Vice: Anne, Joshua is missing, I need all your help—
Anne: He's with me.
Vice: He's with... what?! You could have called us! We were damned worried about him!
Anne: Well, he called me, Vice. He was damned sad as well because he thinks his family is slowly falling apart pero siyempre as usual, hindi niyo yata napapansin yun na dalawa.
Vice: asan kayo?
Anne: papunta kay Baby Girl. H-he asked me to bring him there. What have you done to my nephew?
Vice: jesus christ.
Halos pabulong na lang na nasabi ni Vice iyon and then he hang the phone up. He teared up after Anne told him about it.
"I'm sorry."
In the middle of the quiet ride shared by the two, Karylle spoke.
"I'm sorry, Ney." Pag iyak niyang muli.
"I-i...iiwan n-niyo na ba ako ni Joshua?"
Hindi niya alam kung bakit niya natanong iyon, maging si Vice ay nagulat rin. It took a while for him to answer back.
"Every night I hear Joshua pray, and then after kakausapin niya si Baby Girl as if she could answer back. During those nights I could only hear him say one thing..." and then he stopped mid-sentence only to gather all the tiny air that was stuck on his throat.
"He misses his mom. He misses you.
That's when I realized how much our son needs you. Tingin ko wala akong karapatan na ilayo siya sa'yo, Ney.
Kaya bago pa masira ang pamilyang 'to, hanggang kaya pa, buuin natin ulit, please."
He never dared try looking at her knowing how in just one glance ay kaya niya nang tumahimik at patawarin na lang ang asawa without saying a piece of his mind, he knows he should because that's what his Karylle needs. A straightforward tongue. Yung diretso, walang paliguy-ligoy. Yung kahit masasaktan siya ay ayos lang kasi yun naman ang mas makabubuti sa kaniya. Siguro naman, 5 years of marriage is enough for him to know the lefts and rights on his wife's.
"Hi Ate! How are you? I'm sorry I have to come here today." Biglang lumapit si Joshua sa puntod ng kaniyang ate.
For a five year old, he sure is mature. Anne was just there staring, trying to wipe away the tears in her eyes.
"Ate, have you met the baby already? Can you tell him or her how sorry I am. Or will the baby understand? The baby doesn't talk yet, Ate. I hope the baby is there with you, sabi ni Daddy sa heaven daw siya pupunta parang ikaw."
Joshua just stayed there playing with the flower petals on the floor and sitting on the piano chair and playing songs that he learned from his piano class.
"I'm sad right now. I think Mommy doesn't like Joshua anymore." Malungkot na bulong ni Joshua nang lumapit muli siya sa puntod ng Ate.
"Joshy..." nanginginig na boses ang pumutol sa bata. Paglingon nito ay nanlaki ang mga mata niya.
"M-mommy!" Isang batang lubos na nangungulila sa ina ang inilalarawan ni Joshua, he climbed at her, mahigpit na yakap at malakas na pag-iyak ang nagawa niya.
He couldn't utter any word, it was all too much for his little heart.
"I'm sorry Baby. I heard you. Mommy loves Joshua so much okay? Mommy will always love you. Wag mo na ulit sasabihin yun ha?" Sabi ni Karylle habang pinupunasan ang luha ng anak.
"I'm sorry Mommy. I didn't mean to leave my toys at the stairs. I was only so excited kasi Daddy and me cooked breakfast for you. Dapat po niligpit ko yung toys ko. I'm sorry for hurting you and the baby, Mommy." Pag-iyak ni Joshua.
"It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. It was an accident. It's all fine baby. Stop crying please." Tumango si Joshua at yumakap ng mahigpit sa ina.
"Now, will you forgive Mommy?" Tanong ni Karylle sa bata.
"I'm sorry." She added.
Tumango lamang si Joshua at hinalikan ang kaniyang ina sa labi.
"I love you Mommy. Super duper." After saying that, he showered is mom with tiny kisses all over her face.
"Paano ako?" Singit ni Vice sa mag-ina.
"You too Dad! But it's Mommy's turn today." Sabay yakap muli sa kaniyang ina. He did missed her.
"Are you two still fighting?" Walang pasintabing tinanong ng bata.
"We were not fighting baby."
"Yes you are. I hear you all the time. You're always mad at Mommy."
"I'm not. We are just talking. I will never get mad at Mommy." Nang hindi sumagot si Joshua ay kinuha na ito ni Vice sa kaniyang ina at binuhat. He thought he owed him an explanation. Nang makaisip siya ng way for Joshua to understand, he whispered at him.
"Okay, let's put it this way. Diba when you're doing something bad, Daddy is pinching you?" Nanlaki ang mata ni Joshua.
"Kurot! And Mommy hates it when you do." Sagot ng bata.
"Anong sabi ko, bakit ko ginagawa iyon?"
"That you love me."
"Right! And you know how Daddy loves Mommy so much right?" Tanong niyang muli sa bata, Joshua nodded.
"When you love someone so much, sometimes you just have to kurot them so they go back to their senses and to remind them of how much you love them."
"So you kurot Mommy?" Gulat na tanong ng bata.
Halos matawa siya sa tanong ng anak. It sounded so wrong to Vice but he has to be serious para paniwalaan siya ng anak. Nang madako ang mata niya kay Karylle na halos mamula ay nakaisip siya ng sagot.
"Not yet baby. Later." Makahulugang sinabi ni Vice at tinignan naman siya ng masama ni Karylle.
"Oh my gosh." Narinig nila ang boses ni Anne.
"Ang bipolar talaga ng pamilyang to nakakaloka!"
"Thanks Anne." Yun na lang ang nasabi ni Karylle sa pinsan.
Malalim na ang gabi nang naisipan ni Karylle na silipin ang anak sa kaniyang kwarto. What she saw made her heart sink. It was Joshua sleeping and beside him was Vice in a long sitting position na pilit na pinagkakasya ang mahahaba nitong legs sa kama ng anak, mahimbing na itong natutulog with a book in his hand, nakatulugan siguro nila ang pagbabasa.
Karylle snuggled on the little space left beside Vice at mahigpit na niyakap ang kaniyang asawa, savoring the scent that she missed, the smell of home with a man she married, amoy babae nga lang pero favorite scent niya pa rin ang amoy ng bagong ligo na si Vice.
Eto nanaman siya learning the art of letting go. She was so excited to be pregnant kasi sinabi ng doctor that this may be the last due to age and dahil na rin sa kaselanan ng pagbubuntis ni Karylle. 4 weeks pregnant to be exact, they just heard the baby's heartbeat, everyone was excited for her and then in just one glimpse nawala na lang ang baby nang madulas siya sa hagdan after stepping on one of Joshua's toy car hindi niya na napansin yun dahil sa boses ng mag-ama na paulit ulit siyang tinatawag para makababa na just to show her their surprise. One moment she was bleeding and then she woke up in a hospital room next, wala na ang bata sa kaniyang sinapupunan.
She felt guilty kasi tama si Vice. Umiiwas nanaman siya sa sakit. She's staying at Arts and Novels, longer than usual kasabay ng pag-alis ni Vice for work at umuuwi siya minsan ay gabi na. She rarely had time for Joshua. She rarely had time for Vice. Hindi niya naisip na sa bawat oras na binubura niya sa isip niya ang pagkawala ng isa nanamang anghel ay nabubura na rin ang prisensya niya sa natitira niyang pamilya.
She's lucky to have a husband who understands, Vice was letting her have time for herself at pansamantala nitong pinupunan ang pagkawala niya ng oras kay Joshua but it didn't took long before Vice knocked her off her senses. Tinakot siya nito na aalis kasama si Joshua, na sila na lang ang iiwas para hindi na siya mahirapan at babalik na lang sila whenever Karylle is ready. Hindi siya pumayag. Nag-away sila, hanggang sa nag-aaway na sila gabi-gabi, which Joshua noticed. And then this happened. Seeing her family breaking into pieces was a wake-up call for Karylle.
Nagising si Vice when he felt a warm body hugging her. Nang buksan niya ang mata ay napangiti na lang siya sa nakita, he missed this.
"Umiiyak ka?" Bulong ni Vice sa asawa.
"I'm sorry did I wake you up? Tulog ka na ulit." Pahid ng luha ni Karylle.
"Bakit? May masakit ba sayo?" Tanong ni Vice sa asawa.
"I'm really sorry."
"Shhhh..." he doesn't wanna talk about it anymore, then he kissed her on her temple. Sinuklian naman iyon ni Karylle ng mas mahigpit pang yakap sa asawa.
"Mahal na mahal na mahal kita." Sabi ni Karylle. "Kayo ni Joshua." Dagdag niya.
"I love you t—" hindi na pinatapos ni Karylle si Vice nang siilin niya ng halik ang asawa.
Vice kissed her back and the kiss lasted longer than it should. They only stopped when they felt Joshua move.
"Mommy baka magising yung bata!"
Kunyaring pag protesta ni Vice natawa naman si K and she kissed him again, gustong gusto naman ni Vice.
"Mommy!" Naputol ang paglalambingan ng dalawa nang managinip si Joshua at biglang tinawag ang kaniyang ina at humawak pa sa kamay ni Karylle.
"Daot!–Ouch!" Bulong ni Vice pertaining to Joshua pero kinurot siya ni Karylle.
Nang mapansin nilang tulog pa rin si Joshua ay bumulong muli si Vice.
"Tara balik na tayo sa kwarto. Dun na tayo magkurutan, Mommy!" He said sabay halik muli kay Karylle.
"No let's jut stay here. I missed this." Sabi ni Karylle.
"Tignan no isa pang daot."
"Ugghh. You're a tease Karylle." He whispered in frustration.
Ang kaninang mapungay na mata ni Vice ay napalitan ng frustration at tumingin lang sa asawa.
"Sige ganyan. Tandaan mo yan ah." Bulong niya. Karylle was just laughing.
"I love you." Sabi muli ni Karylle pero kunyari'y umiirap irap si Vice.
"You love me." Dagdag ni K at kinanta pa niya ang tono.
"Oh my gosh not that one." Pinipigilan ni Vice ang sarili na wag tumawa.
"Exactly. Ang daming mata ni Barney dito sa bahay, di ka ba nangingilabot?" Sabi ni Karylle at maging si Vice ay natawa rin nang makita ang iba't ibang laki, hugis at itsura ng mga Barney and other dinosaur stuffed toys ni Joshua.
"Sino bang nagpanuod ng Barney sa kaniya?" Hamon na tanong ni Vice sa asawa. Karylle was just laughing, they were trying to be quiet habang nag-aasaran para hindi magising ang kanilang anak.
She kept staring at her husband as he laugh. He has no make up and no hair extensions on but for her this was his best look. His fine lines indicates how he is aging gracefully, the dark circles under his eyes shouts hard work and dedication para buhayin ang maliit nilang pamilya. At this point she couldn't believe how her heart could handle more love for this guy beside her dagdag pa ang inosenteng mukha ng anak nila na ngayon ay nakapatong na rin sa dibdib ni Vice.
They said nothing perfect does exist but this was the perfection Vice and Karylle knows. A little broken, a little marred but together, with the three of them, they are a complete piece of art.
Thank you Jesus.
Bulong sa hangin ng isang batang kanina pa nakikinig at kanina pa naman talagang nagtutulog-tulugan lang...