Sorry its been so long... Dont hate me... I have ben SO busy, you can't even imagine. Two jobs, school, homework and i have to choose where im going after school, since im out this summer gah.. And then i have this HUGe assignment right now. Sorry, but i'll try better. Maybe you should read the last few lines of the earlier chapter, just to catch up. I find that to help sometimes with my reading. :))
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I asked my mother to be alone for a minute and she left me. I stood up and looked around. I dried my wet cheeks and walked a step forward. I grabbed a duffle bag and stuffed it with some clothes. I put in a bunch of her underwear, pajamas and sweatshirts. When I pulled out a dark blue hoodie a book fell to the floor with a loud thump. I squatted and picked it up. It looked like a photo album. I opened the book and read the first page.
'Success looks different in all minds' I flipped the first few pages and read the quotes.
'Why strive for greatness, when you can strive for perfection'
'Everyone wants the same thing, you don't just want, you work for it' at first I smiled by her motivational quotes, but my smile dropped when I flipped to the next page.
'Why eat when you'll just get hungry again?'
'Don't reward yourself with food, you're not a dog.'
'Skinny feels better than any food will ever taste'
'Pretty hurts, ugly kills'
'Do you not want to be skinny?'
I ran a hand over my head. Shit. Why would she make such a thing?
I flipped to the next page and my stomach fell to the ground. It was a picture. A picture of Emily, she had taken it in her mirror in her room. It was her back with no clothes on. Her spine and ribs stood out from her skin. The next page was a picture of her collarbones, then her stomach when she lied down, then her thigh gap in the mirror. The next page was filled with numbers crossed over.
130
120
110
100
90
89
88
87
86
85
80
I cringed at crossed out numbers. I looked at the last number, it wasn't yet crossed and it said 75. A tear slipped down my cheek and I threw the book to the ground. The dark blue sweatshirt was lying on the ground and I picked it up to throw in the bag. When I squatted again I saw another book lying on the shelf. It had space for a lock, but not lock was on. I opened the book well knowing it was her diary. I needed to read some of it. I needed to read some of the things that were going on in her mind before I met her. I also hoped there was something from before her parents died, before she got sick. I opened the diary and looked at the first page.
Property of Emily Parker aka the god.
If you dare to read, be aware that this is state secretes and will get you killed.
And mom and dad, if you guys found this, please out it down, this is my diary, and yes, you are in it!
June 11
Okay, so I just decided to write a diary. Maybe this can be like my own little thing and in the future I can be Cary Bradshaw and give advise based on my own experiences? Emily Parker aka advise guru. That sounds really good to me.
Today I went to the mall with Ashley, she said I looked fat in that dress I tried on, but I know she's just jealous. I am dating Luke for god's sake. She HAS to be jealous. I bought the dress by the way. I went over to Lea's house afterwards, it was nice to be with a true fried for once. Yes, I'm friends with Josephine, Ashley, Kim, Nora and that new girl Nina, but it isn't like Lea, Lea is a real friend and I will always love her!
Whatever, I'm tired and grounded so I should probably go to sleep. Why did I ever sneak out to be with Jonas? Luke warned me not to go. Garh, why are my parents so protective? It's summer vacation I SHOULD be out with my friends. But no, I have to stay in. I cant wait for my sister to be born so they can have someone else to worry about.
Night
I skipped a few pages and went to august that same year. It was last year I could guess since the book wasn't that long, and she wouldn't have been going to parties when she was younger.
August 14
Dear diary.
Hahaha that was so cliché. I don't care, I like it that way!
Dear diary.
Mike was the cutest today! He literally brought me chocolate! I'm glad he was my first, I cant imagine a better person to have done it with! Plus, he is practiced, which made it less awkward. On the downside there is a rumor about him and Ashley, but I cant imagine that's true. She's so boring, he would never fall for such a person. Whatever, I got him in the end. I have a feeling we'll last a VERY long time. We will probably end up getting married or something. Yesterday I slept over at his place and we had sex ALL night. Well... Maybe not literally all night, because his parents came home and he had to do the dishes, but he was so hot during it!
Josephine moved school today, which really sucks, but at least we don't have to see her long tanned legs dangling around our athlete boyfriends at cheer practice anymore. She was sort of annoying at times actually, I know we were really good friends, but she literally NEVER shut up. Nora will probably move with her next month but I couldn't care less, she kissed Luke and I'll never forgive her for that, not even when I have Mike like now. She's dead to me.
Whatever, Mike just called and I'm going to his place now. Bye
August 30
I can not believe he cheated on me. And with KIM! What a slut she is! I HATE THEM BOTH AND THEY ARE DEAD TO ME. I will never speak to her again.
Today mom and I went shopping for my new room. I'm seriously SO excited and I cant hardly wait for it to be done. Fortunately my dad will paint everything, because I couldn't paint if my life dependent on it. My dad said he would teach me, but I'm gonna try to get out of it. We just booked our ski trip this march and I'm so exited! I love to be away with my family, and I'll probably need the alone time with them, since my sister will be born this Christmas.
I think I wanna start a diet. It's not because I'm fat, I just want to look extra good the next summer. I know summer right now isn't over, but I can't start too soon, can I? no, I thought so too. By the way, Mike was kicked off the football team and he isn't even cute anymore. I dodged a bullet on that one.
Bye:)
Her careless behavior made me smile. She was so regretless and free. I loved the thought of this Emily. The way she mentioned her parents made my heart squeeze. She really loved them. The diary was so cute. Though every time another boy was named my fist clenched. She didn't think there was anyone better than that guy Mike to give her virginity too? The thought made me sick.
September 15
Dear diary
School was SO nice today. I got an A on my history assignment, which I have worked super hard for! I'm really happy!
Lea has to go away for a WHOLE MONTH with her family. They're going to Bora Bora, and I'm so super jealous. And since she has to be away fro so long, I'll miss her so much. But at least she'll be home for Halloween. Josef is throwing a Halloween party and it'll be amazing! I think I'm gonna go as either a nurse or Catwomen. Catwomen is like taking cat to the next level. Plus, I get to wear a leather jumpsuit, which we'll be sexy. I hope Mike drools. Oh yeah btw he broke up with me.... I'm not really that sad because he said he just needed a break and it didn't have anything to do with me, so maybe it's for the best?
My parents and I will soon be going on a weekend trip to Vegas! I'm so excited! Hopefully they'll let me go out on my own one night, that would be crazy. I'm really happy they still want to spend time with me since I'm now a 'moody teenager' as my dad puts it lol.
Bye xx
October 15
Dear diary
Sorry I haven't been writing for like a month... I had to spend all of my time with Ashley, which was mentally draining haha. Now, Lea is back and I can finally breathe. Ashley is such a snob and she always makes comments on my clothes (even though Nick said I dressed better than her haha) it get's tiring, okay??
I'm still excited for the Halloween party! Even more now when Lea is back, we have been talking about it every lunch break at school! Ashley is going as a sexy police officer, which really doesn't surprise me that much. And yes, I also were planning as going as a sexy nurse, but that's different. She's such a try-hard sometimes... Maybe she's insecure?
I have a family night tomorrow with my parents, but I'm gonna try to get out of it since Lea is throwing a party... I feel bad because I DO want to spend time with my parents, even more now since my sister will soon be coming, but it's gonna be so cool at Lea's and her brother invited college guys. Who can say no to that? I don't know what I'm gonna do
Bye xxxx
This night. This time of year. It sounded familiar to me. The family night she's going to get out of, it's the night her parents died. The thought made a rock form in my stomach. I flipped the page and saw a fresh page that was crumbly with dried water. I could only imagine it was tears. She had skipped days and I knew why. I read the lines.
October 20
I can't do this.
On the next page it read 'I will always love you guys' and a heart was drawn and that was the end of the diary. I flipped through the pages looking for more, but all the pages were blank and unwritten. The very last page in the book it said 'will this nightmare ever end?' and a bunch of doodles were scattered across the page. I figured what she meant and I forced closed the book. I couldn't look at it any longer.
Though I was feeling weird about reading her inner thoughts, and it was scary when her anorexic thoughts were written, it felt better to somewhat now how she had felt like. At some points at least.
In the closet I also found a measuring tape, baby teeth numbing cream, diet pills and underneath all of the sweatshirts were a weight.
I packed the rest of her stuff in the bag and went downstairs. Before I went down I had packed all of the hidden stuff in a box and put it in her closet so no one would find it.
"Are you ready to go?" my mother asked when I came into the living room. I nodded and lifted the bag.
"I thought I would bring her some stuff at the hospital." They all nodded and smiled at me. They were trying to make me feel better; I could tell they were scared to say something wrong.
***
It had been two days since Emily was brought to the hospital and I hadn't been able to call her or visit. It was tearing me apart from the inside and I was getting more and more frustrated. My workouts had been bad and I easily lost my temper. Last night I had flipped and punched Tyler. Max was questioning me why I was acting like this and I had to tell them the situation. They were understanding and said they were always there for me. Though we all knew I couldn't come to them. We didn't really talk that deep and never of Emily and her struggles. They had asked me once and I think they got the feeling it wasn't something I wanted to talk about. Since then, they hadn't mentioned her in that sort of conversation.
I was sitting in my room doing homework when my phone rang. It was an unknown number.
"Hello?"
"Hello, sir. Is this Carter Woods?"
"Yes."
"Hi, I'm Karen from Saint Claire's. Are you Emily Parker's contact person?"
"Yes, I am, is something wrong?" the feeling of worriedness took over and I felt sick.
"Well, she hasn't been talking or moving and we were wondering if you could come down for some questions about her. If you think you're able to answer them, of course, you were her boyfriend, right?"
"Uhm, yes, I am. Of course I'll come down. Has she been eating?" the women sighed.
"No, and if she doesn't within tomorrow she'll get forced fed. That's why we need some information first. Are you available today? The sooner the better with these sort of things I have to say."
"Yes, I can come right now, is that fine?"
"Yes, I'll set an appointment, goodbye-"
"Wait! Will I get to see her?"
"Uhm, it's really for the best if she doesn't see anyone right now. We have to get her to talk first, then we can reread the situation, okay?"
"Okay," I sighed.
"Thank you, we're ready for you anytime."
"Okay, goodbye." I said and hung up. I really wanted to see her, but if they didn't allow me. If they didn't think it was for the best, I wouldn't.
I stood up and grabbed a fresh t-shirt. I quickly combed my hair with my fingers and made sure my watch was sitting in the right position on my wrist.
I drove there quickly and walked through the lobby to the receptionist.
"Hi, Carter Woods, I have an appointment." I said and smiled a small smile to the receptionist. She nodded and looked at her screen.
"If you'll just follow me," she said and stood up from her desk. She led me into a conference room and asked me to sit down. A little while later a doctor came in and shook my hand.
"So we're gonna ask you a few questions about Emily, are you ready?" I nodded.
"Yes."
"Okay, we noticed that she is very skinny and her body has the traces of an anorexic, do you know if Emily is suffering from an eating disorder?" a lump formed in my throat.
"Uhm, yes she is. She's in treatment for it, but it has taken a while for her to even accept the fact that she's sick. I have known her for months and it was even worse when I fist met her, so she's doing better, but I often force her to eat."
"Okay, that's good information for us, thank you."
The meeting went on for about an hour and then I was on my way home again. I had given the doctor the bag filled with some of Emily's things and she promised me to give it to her when they had looked through the bag. Apparently no sharp things, shoelaces or ribbons were allowed inside the patient's room. I knew why, and the thought terrified me. Emily being in a place like that. Would she be affected by being around mentally ill people? Would she do such things to her self? I got chill by the thoughts. I could never live with my self. I would feel like it was my fault. Like I hadn't done enough to safe her. I shook the thoughts out of my head and concentrated on driving. It was quickly getting dark and I just wanted to go home. Every night Emily had been away I missed her. When she wasn't there for me to hold, to kiss, I really missed her. Even the times she wasn't with me. I missed her goodnight texts, the silly emojis, the late night calls, everything.