I always wonder why my mommy is always sad. Why I rarely see her smile. Why I rarely heard her laugh. Simula noong magka-isip ako, hindi ko na siya nakitang masaya. Iyong totoong kasiyahan. She always fake her smile and her laughter. She always fake everything.
Kaya siguro, nagaya ko iyong pagpapanggap niya kapag kaharap ang ibang tao. Kahit ayaw ko, magpapanggap akong gusto. Kahit ayaw kong ngumiti, ngingiti ako. Kahit hindi ako mabait, magpapakabait ako.
Ang hindi niya lang kayang pekein ay kapag nasasaktan siya. Kapag malungkot siya. Kapag nakakulong siya sa kanyang kwarto at umiiyak ng mag-isa.
"Mommy, look! I'm the top one in our class!" I said excitedly while waving my medals in front of her face.
"Wow, you're the best, sweetheart!" she smiled and patted my head.
My smile widened. I was ready to tell her my day but her smile didn't last for a minute. Ang atensyon na binigay sa akin ay agad din nawala. Napunta ito roon sa cellphone niya. Napalitan ng galit ang mukha niya habang gigil na nagtitipa sa kanyang cellphone.
Bagsak ang balikat na bumalik ako sa aking kwarto. I did everything to make her smile. To make her notice me. Iyong matagal. Hindi iyong ilang segundo lang. Tapos ay mawawala na.
But it's all useless. She won't give her attention to me unless I'll talk about Daddy. Or if Daddy is with us.
Kaya pilit ko tuloy iniisip ang alaala ko noong bata pa ako. Kahit imposible. Gusto ko malaman kung ano ang pakiramdam noong inalagaan niya ako nang sanggol pa lang ako.
They said, she gave her full attention to me. She cared for me. She loves me. She was really happy that she has me. But what happened now? Why did she stopped caring about me? Why did she stopped giving me her attention? Where did it all go wrong?
"Snorri, sweetheart."
My eyes lit up when I saw my mommy inside my room. Umasa agad ang aking puso na baka bibigyan na niya ako ng atensyon dahil nagtungo siya sa aking kwarto!
"Yes, mommy?" I smiled.
"Tell your Daddy that you want us out of town. To have a family time. Gusto mo rin iyon, hindi ba?" she asked while smiling.
My smile faded a bit. It's always like this. It's always about him. But it's fine because I can see her genuine smile when it's all about him.
Binalik ko ang sigla sa akin. "Yes! I'll tell Daddy about it!"
"Great! Call him now, sweetheart!"
Tinawagan ko agad si Daddy para sabihin iyon. I was excited because mommy is smiling while looking at me calling him. But sadly, he's on his way to Cebu right now.
I don't know his schedule or what he's been doing, or where he's been. Because I'm not that close with him. I'm not interested with him. I'm a mama's girl. Dahil na rin siguro wala siya lagi rito sa bahay. Puro trabaho ang inaasikaso niya simula noong mamulat ako. Kaya malayo ang loob ko sa kanya.
I told Mommy about it. Her genuine smile faded. My heart ache. Walang salita siyang lumabas ng kwarto ko. My lips trembled.
Galit akong nagtipa ng mensahe para kay Daddy. Sa kanya ko ibinuntong ang hinanakit ko.
Me:
Lagi na lang trabaho ang inaasikaso mo! Wala ka ng oras para sa amin! Mas mahal mo pa iyan kaysa sa amin! Sana hindi mo na lang binuntis si Mommy kung hindi mo naman kaya maging ama!
My phone ring. He's calling me. I ignored it. Nakadalawang tawag din siya na hindi ko sinagot. Kaya naman nag-text na lang siya.
Daddy:
I'm sorry, Snorri. Babawi ako next time.
I gritted my teeth in anger. Naisip ko agad na hindi ko siya papansinin pag-uwi niya rito.
"Ganoon talaga ang ibang ama, Snorri. Gusto lang niya mabigyan ng magandang buhay ang anak niya kaya lagi itong nagtatrabaho ito," paliwanag ni Candice.
I told her about my father. Na hindi na kami nito mabigyan atensyon. Bilang na sa daliri ang pakikipag-interaskyon nito sa amin. He's always busy! So busy! That's he's neglecting his other responsibilities. Me. Us.
"We are already rich enough! Hindi ko na nga kailangan pa magtrabaho habang nabubuhay ako eh! Hindi rin ako mahilig sa mga materyal na bagay! I don't need a new clothes and bags everyday! I just want to have a complete and happy family, Can. That's all I want!"
I don't care if we become poor! As long as we are together. Happy. Loving each other. Magiging kayamanan ko na iyon.
"Pero hindi talaga lahat ng gusto mo, makukuha mo," I said quietly.
"Baka naman ampon ka?" Candice said.
She's my best friend. My human diary. She knows what's happening in my life. She knows everything.
"How stupid can you be?! I'm the spitting image of my mother and my father!" inirapan ko siya.
Makalipas ang ilang araw ay umuwi si Daddy. My anger is still living inside me. So I ignored him.
"Snorri, greet your father!" utos ni Mommy.
Labag sa loob kong nilapitan siya at binati. I even kissed his cheek so my mother can pat my head and smile at me.
"You're still angry?" Daddy said.
"What?" Mommy glanced at me in alarm and bewilderment. "Why are you angry at your father, Snorri?"
I faked a smile. "I'm not!"
She breath a sighed of relief. At simula noong mamulat ako, mas nabibigyan niya ng atensyon si Daddy. It seems like she wants to pleased him so bad. Kapag naririnig niyang sinasagot ko minsan si Daddy, magagalit siya sa akin. Kapag nagtatampo ako kay Daddy, gusto niya agad mawala iyon. Ayaw niyang pagsalitaan ko ito ng masama. She wants me to only praise him.
Ang mahalaga lang sa kanya ay iyong nararamdaman ni Daddy. Wala siyang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko. Makes me think that she loved him more than me. She love him more than me.
Kaya naman noong makitaan ko si Mommy ng lungkot at malaman na si Daddy ang dahilan, hindi ako napakali.
What did he do? Mommy always gave him what he wants. Hindi na siya nagpaka-ina sa akin para lang maging asawa niya. So what fuckery did he do?
"What do you think is the problem?" tanong ko kay Candice.
Tinatanong ko kasi sa kanya kung ano ang maaaring dahilan kung bakit naging ganoon na lang si Mommy. Kung bakit siya laging malungkot at umiiyak.
"Hala, baka may kabit ang Daddy mo?" maliit ang boses niyang sinabi.
I froze. I haven't think about that possibility. Dahil wala naman akong pakialam sa kanya, hindi ko inaalam ang mga ginagawa niya. Because I was jealous of him! Siya na lang kasi lagi ang inaalala at inaalagaan!
And Candice have a point! Sa mga ipinapakita ni Mommy, baka nga may kabit si Daddy!
I gritted my teeth. I don't want to be mad yet. Ayoko siyang sabihan na makapal ang mukha na magloko pa. When Mommy always answered his whim! Always giving him what he wants! Punong-puno siya ng pagmamahal ni Mommy! Kaya ang kapal ng mukha niya kung magloloko pa siya!
Kaya naman inalam ko iyon. I always heard them arguing in the middle of the night before. Hindi ko lang ito pinapansin dahil iniisip ko na natural lang naman iyon sa mag-asawa. And Mommy just misses Daddy because he's always working. Just like how I miss her because she's always taking care of him.
Kaya noong isang gabi, hindi agad ako natulog. I decided to eavesdropped. I want to know the reason why my mother was sad and miserable. At para malaman kung tama ba ang hinala namin ni Candice.
"Saan ka galing, Vergel? Galing ka na naman sa babae mo, ano?" Mommy said.
I froze. So it's true? Daddy has a mistress?
I stopped in front of their door so I can hear them better. I can hear Mommy's loud breathing. Like, she's trying to calm herself.
"I'm not, Destiny. Please, stop with your nonsense accusation," sabi ni Daddy.
"Really? Someone saw you talking to her in a restaurant! Huwag ka ngang magsinungaling sa akin!" she said loudly.
"I'm tired. I want to sleep. Let's talk tomorrow," Daddy said.
"Hanggang kailan ka ba magsisinungaling sa akin kahit huling-huli ka na?!"
Daddy didn't answer. Her breathing is still loud. Kung may sakit lang siya sa puso ay mag-aalala na ako ng sobra.
"Ano ba ang pagkukulang ko bilang asawa, Vergel? Ginagawa ko naman lahat ah? Ano bang mayroon siya na wala ako?" she sobs.
My heart hurts. Gusto kong pumasok para aluin siya pero natitigilan ako dahil sa mga sinasabi niya.
I didn't know their whole love story. Ang alam ko lang, arrange marriage silang dalawa. And I know Mommy loves him so much. I can see it. Kay Daddy naman, hindi ko alam. Maayos naman ang tungo niya kay Mommy. Pero hindi ko nakikita sa kanya ang mga nakikita ko kay Mommy.
I came to visit Tita Asia's house, she's the wife of my mother's younger brother, Tito Cameron. Naabutan ko si Kuya Clark sa kanilang sala. Mag-isa lang siya.
"Hello, my pretty cousin. What brings you here?" he asked.
"Where's Tita?" I asked.
"Snorri?"
Sabay kaming napalingon at nakita si Tita na lumabas mula sa kanilang kitchen. Agad ko siyang nilapitan at nakipag-beso.
"Iha, what a surprise! Sana sinabi mo sa akin na dadalaw ka para nakapaghanda ako!"
"Huwag na po! Just to want to ask you about something. I was really curious po eh," sabi ko.
"What is it, iha?" iginiya niya ako patungo sa kanilang hardin.
They were friends since they were college. At college lang din sina Mommy noong magpakasal sila ni Daddy. Kaya nasisiguro kong may alam siya tungkol sa kanila.
"Can you tell me about my parents past po? Kung sino po ang boyfriend ni Mommy o girlfriend ni Daddy before they got married?"
Nakita ko ang bahagya niyang pagkakagulat dahil sa sinabi ko. Tita Asia is so beautiful. Just like my mommy.
"Well, you know that their marriage was arranged, right?" she asked and I nodded. "Your mother is in love with your father even before the marriage."
I nodded my head again. Hindi na nagulat doon dahil halata naman na mahal na mahal ni Mommy si Daddy.
"May kasintahan ang ama mo noon. He loved her. So much," she stared at me.
My heart ache thinking about how my Mommy was so happy being married to my Daddy, while he wasn't.
"Ayaw magpakasal ng ama mo noon sa kanya. He was against it. He was ready to rebel against his parents. But one day, he suddenly agreed to it."
So, my father is in love with someone else. I listened intently to her stories. Nakipaghiwalay raw iyong babae sa kanya at nagkaroon ng relasyon sa iba kaya pumayag si Daddy pakasalan si Mommy.
"Ginawa ng mommy mo ang lahat para lang mahalin siya ng ama mo. And she succeeded. They have you now," she smiled.
I smiled to hide my sadness. No. She didn't. She failed. She's still failing.
Every single day, I tried to be there for my mommy. I want her to think that I'm here, I can her love as much as she wants. That she didn't need to question her worth because she is enough for me.
"Ang daming nanliligaw sa akin sa school, Mommy! Lalo na noong gumanap ako sa isang stage play namin! Mas lalong dumami!" kwento ko sa kanya.
Ginawa kasi akong bida ng mga kaklase ko sa isang stage play namin sa university. I was showered with praises and compliments. They liked my acting skills! At dahil doon, nagustuhan ko rin ang pag-acting!
"Marami rin ang nababaliw sa ama mo noong kabataan niya," sabi ni Mommy.
I smiled. "I guess, I got my charisma from him, huh?"
She was about to say something but she pursed her lips tightly. Nakita ko ulit ang sakit sa mga mata niya. Na lagi kong nakikita.
"Mommy, are you okay?" I bravely asked.
"Yes! Of course! I have you and your Daddy. I was a little bit sad because I just miss your Daddy," she smiled but it didn't reach her eyes.
She didn't know that I heard her cries in the middle of the night. That I can see the sadness and pain in her eyes. Hindi niya alam na nasasaktan din ako dahil sa kanya.
I don't know but I can't hate her. And I'm starting to hate my father. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko. Lalo na't parehas naman silang nagkukulang sa akin.
"Pinakita ko sa pinsan kong talent manager iyong video mo noong stage play. Gusto ka niya kunin bilang artista! Ano, gusto mo?" sabi ni Candice. "I can become your personal assistant for the mean time. Para may mag-asikaso sa iyo!"
Marami siyang kilala sa mundo ng showbiz dahil sikat na direktor ang ama niya. Halos lahat ng pamilya niya ay nasa showbiz. Artista o reporters ang iba.
"I'll ask Mommy about it," I said.
Noong ipinaalam ko kay Mommy na may kumukuha sa akin bilang artista, for the first time, she smiled at me genuinely. As in happily! Walang lungkot na nakatago sa mga mata! Ngumiti siya na hindi si Daddy ang dahilan! Ngiti iyon para sa akin lang talaga!
"That's good, iha! Accept it! You're beautiful and talented. Mabilis kang sisikat niyan!" she said happily.
Kaya naman tinanggap ko iyong alok ni Candice para pasukin ang showbiz! Candice became my personal assistant. Her cousin, ate Karen became my manager. She's kind so I immediately become comfortable with her.
"Pag-graduate ko, ako na ang hahawak sa iyo! Pumayag naman iyong agency at si Ate Karen," sabi ni Candice.
Candice is three years older than me. I don't know why we become friends despite the differences in our age. But I guess, we just clicked. Maaga rin siya nag-aral noong bata kaya naman ga-graduate na siya ng college next next year.
"Why do you want to be my manager, anyway? Ayaw mo bang sumunod sa yapak ng mga magulang mo?" tanong ko.
I don't know why she wants to be my manager. Even though her family was a well-known producer and director.
"Gusto lang kitang bantayan!"
She treat me as her little sister because like me, she's an only child too.
"You really love me, huh? Well, I love you too!"
"Gusto ko lang din suwayin ang gusto ng mga magulang ko!" tumatawa niyang sinabi. "They want me to be an artist, you know. Pero ayoko! Kaya nga ikaw na lang ang pinasok ko!"
"Good choice. Dahil hindi ka papatok sa mga tao!" I giggled.
Kahit na naging artista na ako, hindi ko pa rin pinabayaan ang pag-aaral ko. Patuloy ako pumapasok kahit nagiging abala na rin sa trabaho.
I gained more popularity because of it. Kinailangan ko na rin ng isa pang bodyguard noong tumunog na ang pangalan ko. Kaya dalawa na sila ngayon imbes na isa lang. Candice never left my side. Talagang seryoso siya sa ginagawang pagbabantay.
"Maging bodyguard na lang kaya kita?" tukso ko sa kanya.
She just rolled her eyes. Nagpatuloy siya sa pag-aayos ng mukha ko. Marunong siyang mag-make up. Noon, siya lagi ang nag-aayos sa akin kapag may party akong pupuntahan. She's really like my big sister.
"Sabi na may kukuha sa iyo para maging artista eh! Ang galing mo kaya umarte!" sabi ng isang kaklase ko.
"That's the power of nepotism!" sabi ni Savanna Gregorio at tumingin kay Candice.
Inirapan ko siya. She's an artist too. She hates me because my classmates always compared us to each other. Sinasabi na mas maganda ako sa kanya at talented, kaya bakit hindi ako nag-artista. Hindi niya iyon nagustuhan. Truth hurts.
She's a bitch. Pakialamera. Lagi akong hinahanapan ng mali para masira sa mga tao. She hasn't succeeded. Because I know how to deceive people.
"Hindi rin! Nagustuhan din kaya siya agad ng ibang tao sa unang palabas niya! Ibig sabihin, magaling talaga si Snorri!" sabi ng kaklase ko.
May attitude siya pero marami pa rin ang humahanga sa kanya. Hindi raw kasi siya plastik hindi kagaya ng ibang mga artista. I kinda like that about her too.
"Sa tingin mo ba, hindi ko deserving maging artista, Savanna?" I said sadly.
Her face scrunched up in disgust. I smirked inwardly.
"Deserve mo iyon, Snorri! Huwag mo intindihin iyang si Savanna! Inggit lang iyan sa iyo!"
Bumalot ang galit sa mukha ni Savanna. I stuck my tongue out at her and giggled.
"Two-faced bitch!" she mouthed at me.
I worked hard. To impress my mother. But my mother, is still blinded by her insecurities. By her love. Kahit anong gawin ko, hindi niya pa rin ako mabigyan ng atensyon. Kahit pinasok ko na ang isang sa mga pangarap niya raw noon, ang pag-a-artista.
Bawat araw na nagdaan, mas lalong lumalala ang pagtatalo nila ni Daddy. Kapag nandito si Daddy sa bahay, lagi na lang napupuno ang kwarto nila ng mga sigawan nila. Lagi na lang silang nag-aaway.
Kakauwi ko lang mula sa isang shoot noong marinig ko ulit ang pagtatalo nila. Pagod mula sa trabaho, mas lalo akong napagod noong marinig ko iyon.
I imagine me, coming home with my mother's waiting for me. Asking me how's my day. Ipagluluto ako ng pagkain. Aasikasuhin ako. But you don't always get what you want. No matter how hard you prayed for it.
Umakyat ako at huminto sa tapat ng kanilang kwarto para makinig ulit sa kanila.
"Naririndi na ako sa iyo, Destiny! Gusto mo ba totohanin ko iyang mga binibintang mo?!" Daddy reached his limit.
"Hindi pa ba totoo ang lahat? Ha?!" sigaw ni Mommy.
"Hindi, kaya manahimik ka! Kaya ayokong umuuwi rito sa bahay dahil sa kakaputak mo! Nakakarindi ka! Imbes na nagpapahinga ako, mas lalo akong napapagod dahil sa mga paghihinala mo!"
Umalingawngaw ang boses na iyon ni Daddy. Sa lakas noon, pakiramdam ko buong tao rito sa bahay ay narinig iyon. That was his loudest shout I've ever heard. Mommy became silent. I only heard her quiet sobs. Gusto ko pumasok para aluin si Mommy pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko.
Nagdiretso na lang ako sa aking kwarto at pinilit matulog. Nag-alarm ako ng 5AM because I have a call time of 8AM and the shoot is in Rizal. Sakto at wala rin akong pasok bukas.
Gising na sina Mommy noong magising ako. Nakabihis na si Daddy at may dalang isang malaking duffel bag. Babatiin ko na sana sila noong magsalita si Daddy.
"I'll be gone for three days," sabi ni Daddy. "Take care of Snorri."
"Where are you going?" Mommy asked. I heard a bit of desperation in her voice.
"Aasikasuhin ko iyong bagong tayo nating branch sa Batangas," sabi ni Daddy.
Mommy doesn't work. Ever since their company merged. It's always Daddy. She's a housewife. Yet she can't take care of me here.
"Ayon ba talaga ang aasikasuhin mo, Vergel?" sabi ni Mommy.
"What else?" malamig na sinabi ni Daddy.
"I don't know. Maybe your mistress? I heard she is in Batangas," Mommy's voice trembled.
Daddy sighed wearily and didn't answer her. Tinalikuran niya lang si Mommy at lumabas na ng bahay.
Lalapit sana ako kay Mommy pero naglakad siya palabas ng bahay. Sinundan ko siya at sinilip. Nilapitan niya si Daddy at niyakap mula sa likuran. Hindi naman gumalaw si Daddy. Hinayaan niya lang si Mommy hanggang sa sumakay na siya sa kanyang sasakyan at umalis.