"again, 'love' has piled up."
ne yuzu, ive never seen you so determined before.
like yes, you did return to your usual jokey and funny style but, you became more determined as well.
i could see that glint in your eyes.
maybe it's because my eyes had always followed you everywhere.
except, my eyes wont be there to follow you anymore once you read this.
ne yuzu, what made you so determined all of a sudden? and why did you ask if i was dating kei?
could i take that as a hint of you liking me? or was it just a protective brother feeling?
ne yuzu, tell me.
i remember that when i went to the rink early the practice, you were already there practicing your spins and jumps.
i admired you.
thats most likely why my program was made to convey my feelings to you. but i guess, you wouldnt understand at least... i got to perform it.
i remember asking the music desk to play my song once i reach the ice. and began starting to practice my song.
"secret base"
ne yuzu, have you watched that anime with this song? this was the first song that i chose by myself.
the anime was so sad, i cried probably more than i should have.
ne yuzu, would you have cried if i had the same ending as menma?
to be honest, i wouldnt want you to be sad.
i want you to be sad over the girl you love truly, not over me.
away from the depressing stuff now, i remember myself gliding across the ice with the song.
to be truthful, this song has shaken me so many times and even hearing it, makes me sad.
its sad.
to love someone who you know is eventually going to disappear fron your side.
kinda like my situation, aint it?
i remember when my practice ended, you werent this first person who came up to me.
it was kei.
you were with that girl again.
again.
its always someone else aint it?
"dont look," i remember kei saying while covering my eyes.
"ne kei, im thinking i should give up," i remember telling kei.
there was no point.
"if i kiss you here, would you allow me to? would you let me kiss you in front of him?" kei said.
i flinched. i didnt think he'd be so serious.
"you see you cant, because either way you like him. and you dont choose who you like," i remember kei saying that before.
ne yuzu, how come kei could tell and you couldnt?
and you were still captivated by that other girl.
was that unfair feeling boiling in my stomach jealousy?
i was dumb. no, i am still dumb.
because i fell for you anyway.
and i still love you.
ne yuzu, when did you even catch my eye?
the next thing i remember is that i woke up from my reverie, kei was already dragging me past the lockers.
and you were running to chase us.
"hey why'd you leave without me," you asked me, but it seemed more like a statement.
"she didnt need to see you and your flirting antics," i remember kei telling you.
i couldnt say anything. for once, kei was my safe place.
and you suddenly became a place i didnt even know anymore.
"i wasnt flirting, i was being asked some... weird questions. something about my interest?" you answered.
i didnt know whether to be glad or sad.
glad is that she might tell me what your type was.
sad was that i already knew who was your type and you might like her.
the last thing i remember is me tugging at kei's sleeves to walk away.
at first he seemed reluctant, but after a bit more tugging, he finally left it alone.
"dont throw your antics in front of me loverboy," i remember that was the last thing kei said to you before leaving for the lockers.
and i was stuck with you.
for the first time in forever, that was an awkward moment in my life.
"im sorry," was the last thing i said before i left you alone there.
ne yuzu, what was i supposed to do back then?
would it have changed my future?
ne yuzu, should i have told you about how i felt earlier?
ne yuzu, did you know that i cried on the way to the locker room?
that was a wrong choice though, because kei was there. and he looked as if he was ready to pound someone's face.
i had to hold him rooted to the ground.
and soon you came into the locker room.
and sat beside me.
and apologised.
until today, i dont know why you apologised.
what did you do?
but i remember deciding to go with it and accept your apology.
and you hugged me again.
and grabbed your pooh who miraculously appeared and peck my nose with it.
i think at that time, i still thought of the peck as a signal of love for me.
i was too hopeful of a person.
who knew i'd be landed in an unimaginable state in the future?
at least im writing this for you to see.
youll be able to understand why ive left all these for you if you ask kei.
i couldnt worry you because of your upcoming programs and thus, i decided to write these.
tadah, arent you proud?
dont hate me please.
i swear that once i wake up again, i'll remember your face.
i swear that once i wake up again, i'll be able to skate.
i swear that once i wake again, i'll explain everything.
i swear that one i wake up again, i'll properly tell you how i feel.
and not by these.
but lets forget about the depressing things for a second.
for your standard, you did well for your round and im proud of you.
thanks for saying that my program was done well too.
you wouldnt be proud if i told you that you were the reason why i had a mini slip up in the pairs skating though.
i was just too jealous because i'd seen you talk to that girl again.
and until this day, im still apologetic to kei for that slip up.
he says hes forgiven me though. i think the one whos not forgiven me is myself.
ne yuzu, thank you for all the feelings youve given me.