CAMILA'S POV
I watched the talented woman in awe as she took the stage and seemed so comfortable. The crowd was at her feet and I heard multiple marriage proposals being yelled behind me. The older one knew exactly how to work her devoted fans by shaking her hips, flipping her hair or pursing her lips. One girl kept screaming she'd faint if Lauren looked at her and I couldn't help but grin when I heard that. Having been a fan girl myself, I knew exactly what she meant; even today I felt a little bit like that when I watched Lauren sing.
My anxiety concerning her songs had been for nothing, though. Since the concert was organized like a festival, there were multiple acts performing and Lauren was just one of them. Therefore she only sang three songs and picked her most popular ones so everyone could sing along. They were more upbeat but Normani and I were having a lot fun. I even danced and just enjoyed myself. When the singer was ending her gig, the fans were going insane. They wanted more.
Out of nowhere they started chanting mine and Normani's names. I looked at my former band mate and then Lauren. Oh no, I thought when I felt my friend taking my hand and dragging me on stage. That's when all hell broke loose. Now they were chanting for us to sing but Normani grabbed the microphone from Lauren and explained that she was not able to because she had just removed her tonsils and her entire throat was still swollen. I had no excuse! So when everyone kept screaming for me to sing, I was frozen on stage and saw Lauren coming up to us, trying to save me.
I hadn't performed in front of this many people in years. Seeing the banner for this event behind the crowd, I realized how special this was. They were all here to support a cause that was so meaningful to my own life. Suddenly, I felt connected to them. Before Lauren could take over the microphone, I snatched it out of Normani's hand.
"Hey", I said shyly and addressed the audience for the first time.
They responded very loudly and I cleared my throat before continuing. At this point I just acted on instinct.
"Thank you so much for supporting the charity. It is such a great cause and very personal to me", my low voice said and the crowd became quiet to hear me speak. "I haven't been vocal or public with it but a few months ago, my mother passed from breast cancer. So, I know how hard it is sometimes to keep going. As the person affected by the illness, or a family member, or a friend, coworker or whatever...I had a very rough time but I want all of you to know something: allow yourselves to feel whatever it is that you feel. No matter how painful it may seem in the moment, it'll get better in time. You have to own it so you can deal with it and let it go afterwards."
The entire hall was silent now and just listened while I talked. Looking around, I saw a guitar and made my way to it without thinking too much about it because otherwise I never would have done it. Only a few people screamed while the rest was still watching me like they were afraid of scaring me off by being too loud.
The song I chose was very dark and probably the heaviest one I had ever written, shortly after my mother had passed. It was different from every other song because there were no great embellishments in my singing. My voice was rather soft and did not make the usual playful runs. Not to mention the lyrics were quite honestly just depressing. But I felt I wanted to be honest with the audience and let them in a little bit. So I placed the microphone on the stand and tuned the guitar in my hand before starting to sing.
"Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love"
[ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzigDWOweVw ]
When the last note subsided, there was a moment of silence and I was completely horrified that I might have bombed on stage in front of thousands of people. Thankfully, the roaring applause just a second after that proved me wrong. Looking into the crowd, I saw many of them crying and felt my own eyes burning with tears because I was so moved. I quickly looked to my side and a found a pair of green eyes lingering on me. Lauren looked just as touched as everyone else and the glistening green revealed she was tearing up as well.
"Thank you, thank you all so much", I barely whispered and left the stage with Normani and Lauren shortly after.
Back in Lauren's dressing room, Normani pulled me in for a hug and saw Lauren standing a few feet away just smiling at me warmly. My own lips formed a reassuring smile before someone came in.
"Wow, that was so beautiful, Camila", Chelsea said coming in. "I was like bawling!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to get you all down", I apologized and was still a little rattled from the experience just now.
"It was perfect", Lauren said and made me focus on her. I gulped when I saw the beautiful woman giving me that tender look that made all the walls around my heart slowly crumble.
We did not waste a lot of time and drove to the sushi restaurant Chelsea and Normani had picked out for us. I had never even eaten sushi before I had met Lauren but she was still just as obsessed with the Japanese delicacies as before. She took it upon herself to order a huge amount of food for everyone so we could all pick and choose and of course paid for everything.
The conversation was mostly about the concert and business. Lauren proposed Chelsea with the job offer as her new PR manager and the blond woman seemed interested. I could tell they were good friends by the way they acted. Exchanging little smiles and inside jokes throughout the course of dinner just made me even more jealous. I was trying my best to engage in the conversation but I felt out of place. Both, Chelsea and Normani, seemed to be more in tune with the dark-haired woman and that bothered me beyond belief.
When we finished dinner, Chelsea got up and asked Lauren if she wanted to join her for a smoke outside.
"Actually, I quit", Lauren said and I almost spit out my water.
"What?", I blurted out in disbelief.
"Jeez, don't sound so surprised", she laughed and I smiled sheepishly.
"I'll join you although I don't smoke but I want to get some fresh air", Normani said and looked at me knowingly. She was about as subtle as a tank in her intention of giving me and Lauren some alone time. But I was grateful to have a moment with the woman who I had flown out for.
"I hope my visit is not an ambush", I said carefully.
"No, not at all. I'm happy to see you", the green-eyed one replied and her voice and face were so hard to read today. Every word seemed smooth and nothing resembled the broken young woman from a few months ago. Of course I was happy about her change but I also wondered what the hell had happened to her to make her this content.
"So, why did you quit smoking?", I asked and took a sip from my water.
"I felt like a hypocrite, supporting a breast cancer cause but then smoking and basically promoting lung cancer", she explained and made my heart flutter once more. Her smile was instantly reciprocated by me.
"You seem different", I admitted softly after a few seconds and saw her facial expression change.
"Different, how?", she sounded a little nervous now for the first time.
"Good different", I immediately reassured. "Happier and a lot more at ease with everything. There's not that tortured artist vibe around you anymore."
"Damn, I thought that was always part of my charm", she laughed lightly.
"You don't need any more charm, trust me. I saw your interview on David Letterman last night and he was basically drooling over you", I said and my voice was giving away a little jealousy.
Lauren didn't answer this time. Instead she looked at me very intently, making me squirm when her green eyes were scrutinizing me like this.
"Can I ask what made you come out here?", she carefully articulated and I took a deep breath.
I had avoided the question until now but she had a right to know what was going on in my head. If only I really knew myself. It took me several seconds to speak up because I was not sure what to say.
"I missed you", I confessed and saw her face softening. "I have for a while now but I was scared of your reaction if I'd reach out."
"Why?"
"Because I basically cut you out of my life...again", I said and emphasized the last word strongly.
"But it was different. I had a choice this time and agreed to take some time apart", she interjected comfortingly.
"Still, I feel like it's time we talked and I wanted to see where your head is at with...everything, I guess", my voice trembled at the end because I was nervous what the older on was going to say.
She took a sip from her water and seemed to be in deep thought of what to say. For some reason, that really worried me. Finding the right words to say always meant some sort of hardship. My pulse was sped up when her eyes met mine again.
"I missed you, too. A lot", she said but I knew there was something coming that was going to soil those soothing first words. "But I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past months and what I've come to realize is that maybe...we're not meant to be together in that sense."
I felt my eyes widen a little bit although didn't want to display my shock. It had been presumptuous of me to think she would wait for several months after all.
"I mean, every time we get close, something happens and it tears us apart. What if there's a reason that happens? Surely there's a reason why couldn't grieve when I was there but you were able to mend your wounds when I wasn't a part of it", she continued and I wanted to interject but was too overwhelmed. "What I'm trying to say is that maybe we are meant to be just friends."
"But we were never really 'just friends'", I argued and saw her kinking an eyebrow. "Can you remember a time where either I didn't feel something or you didn't feel something that exceeded friendship?"
"Maybe that was the problem", Lauren said and basically put a dagger in my chest. It took me a second to recover from those words although her voice was still so soft-spoken. She wasn't trying to hurt me, I knew that.
"So, you want to forget everything that happened between us lately?", I asked.
"No", she said and sighed quietly. She seemed frustrated and a little conflicted as well. "I think we rushed into things, though. We wanted to pick up where we had left of almost six years ago without getting to know the people we are now. I'm not saying there is no chance of us being together at some point...if that's what happens, but I do believe we should focus on building a solid foundation that is not so easily broken. I told you this before and I sincerely mean it; I'd rather have you be my friend then not be a part of my life at all."
The rational part of my brain told me she was right. Because I wasn't sure if I was even ready for whatever Lauren and I would have once we got together. But there was this agonizing, stinging pain in my heart when I thought about losing the possibility of us once and for all. Even though it wasn't what she said, it felt like it.
She had every right to be cautious with me this time around. The amount of times I had pushed her away were uncanny. Now understood how horrible it felt to be rejected.
"I'm not trying to hurt you, Camila", Lauren said when she noticed my silence and looked very concerned now.
"I know", I quickly replied this time.
"Let's just take things slow, like you said and see where it goes."
I had no time to add something because Chelsea and Normani returned to our table. The blond one took her seat next to Lauren and Normani sat next to me.
"Alright, we are we going next?", Chelsea asked and seemed eager for a night out.
"I'm going back to the hotel because I need some sleep before my flight", Normani said and I looked at Lauren who met my gaze.
"What about you, Camila?", Chelsea addressed me and I tore my eyes away from the dark-haired woman sitting opposite of me. "We should go to that salsa club!", Chelsea added.
Lauren laughed now while I just stared at the two friends in confusion. "You salsa dance?"
"She thinks she's some great salsa talent just because we took one dance class. I swear, the only reason she's friends with me is because I'm Cuban", Lauren joked and obviously tried lightening the mood, but didn't realize she was just sparking my jealousy. The thought of them being in a hot and sweaty salsa club, dancing the night away while Lauren would be swaying her hips in her sultry way was too much.
"I'll come", I heard myself say before I could think because I didn't want them going alone to the club. Who knew what could happen once the dark-haired beauty let her hair down.
"Are you serious?", Lauren asked in disbelief and her green eyes showed her confusion.
"Stop! Don't discourage her", Chelsea exclaimed and smiled at me. "I remember you saying you can't dance but I find that very hard to believe. We'll show you the basic steps and that's all you need anyways."
The interviewer's excitement was irking me but I forced another smile and found myself in a salsa club just twenty minutes after. It was incredibly hot in there and seeing all of those perfect bodies swirling around on the dance floor was giving me anxiety. Just the entire atmosphere felt raunchy and sexy. Not exactly my element but I was trying my best to not let my insecurity get the best of me. The latin music was not foreign to me and that eased my tension a little bit. Just like the first tequila shot, Chelsea bought for each of us.
"Alright, let's go!", Chelsea screamed almost and grabbed my hand, dragging me on the dance floor. I could see Lauren watching us from the bar and smirking a little bit. Instantly I felt my cheeks burning up when I knew she was paying attention to me now.
I had never been a very good dancer but I had improved in time. Being an awkward teenager at the time I had to learn how to dance was not helpful but I wasn't that insecure anymore and tried imitating Chelsea's steps. It was surprisingly easy and I felt myself enjoying the music and all the uninhibited movements around me. Finally, Lauren joined us after a while and effortlessly began dancing with us. I hadn't felt so unrestrained and free in a very long time. Never would I have thought we would end up here but it was one of the best nights in what seemed like forever. Lauren grabbed my hand and swirled me around, making both us laugh and my heart race. The thing with her was, I never knew if she had any idea what effect she had on people; especially me.
Time flew by but I needed to take a breather at some point and told the other two I needed a quick break. I walked to bar and ordered more drinks for us. Now it was my turn to watch the dark-haired woman dance. The red lighting of the club made everything even more sensual and watching her hips sway was already causing uproar within me. Her dance moves should be illegal. The insanely long hair was flowing with every move and I could see the beads of sweat glistening, rolling down her neck and cleavage. My breath hitched in the back of my throat when her eyes met mine. I remembered her saying she wanted to take things slow but that was not what I wanted to do right now.
My heart stopped when Chelsea grabbed Lauren's hips and started grinding them together in perfect unison. The blond woman whispered something into Lauren's ear before disappearing to the restroom. I averted my eyes quickly when I saw the woman causing all of my turmoil approaching me.
"Who knew you were such a good salsa dancer?", she said and smiled widely.
"Well, I guess there is some Cuban blood in me after all", I replied and gave her one of the drinks I had ordered before.
"Don't hate me for asking this but is there...something going on between you and Chelsea?", I finally asked and saw Lauren now bursting into laughter.
"What?! Hell, no! She is as straight as they come", the older one revealed and made me blush in embarrassment for even asking. "Why would you even think that?"
"I don't know. You seem so comfortable around each other and I know you used to have a crush on her", I admitted.
"That was like ten years ago before anything between you and I...", she said but stopped herself before finishing her sentence. Before anything between us had happened? So, her feelings had changed once I came into the picture? That little confession dissolved my last feeling of jealousy; especially because Lauren was now the one blushing slightly.
Chelsea came back and let us know she wanted to go home. Since she lived nearby, we decided to walk her home and I couldn't believe what a great night we actually had together. This time I genuinely hugged her goodbye and felt guilty for feeling so negatively towards her before for no actual reason.
"Let's take a cab", Lauren said and looked at her watch. It was in the middle of the night but I didn't want to go back to hotel just yet.
"Why don't we walk back instead?", I suggested and saw her puzzled expression. It quickly changed to a smile as she agreed to my proposal.
Neither of us expected what happened next. We ended up walking and talking the entire night. Wandering around the streets of New York at night felt magical not dangerous at all. We talked about everything we had been doing in the past months. I told her about my family being in better shape and my healing process. There were no accusations on her side, she seemed genuinely happy that I was doing better.
She talked about finding the balance between work and time for herself. The growth in her was very obvious when she spoke and I felt so proud of the woman she had become in comparison to the fragile person I had met in Miami not too long ago. Her telling me about her new found love for Yoga, explained her toned figure I had noticed while dancing. I couldn't help but glance at her perfect body and wonder what she looked like now underneath her clothes. Those were the kind of thoughts I banished immediately because I enjoyed the casual conversation we had.
The sun came up slowly and we sat down on a bench in Central Park. We were taking in the beautiful scenery and just relished in the moment. The only thing that bothered me was how chilly it had gotten. Of course, Lauren picked up on it instantly.
"Are you cold?", she asked in that typical attentive voice.
"A little", I admitted and pressed my hands together tightly to warm them up.
Before I knew it, the woman sitting next to me took off her leather jacket and held it open for me to slip in.
"No, what about you?", I interjected.
"I'm not cold. Come on", she said reassuringly and I couldn't decline her offer. Putting my arms through the sleeves and feeling the warmth of the fabric on my skin was instant bliss. The piece of clothing smelled like her; a combination of her vanilla shampoo and the perfume she wore made my heart leap in my chest. Looking up into those mesmerizing eyes, I felt butterflies in my stomach.
Suddenly I felt my hands being wrapped in hers as she brought them to her lips. At first, I frowned in confusion but then saw what she did: she was starting to blow on my fingers while they were still enveloped in hers to warm them up. Her hot breath against my otherwise cold skin was causing chills all over my body. My eyes were glued to her hands rubbing mine softly to create more friction and therefore heat. She had no idea she was increasing my body temperature in every way. I gulped heavily when her green eyes looked up to meet my widened brown ones.
Not knowing what she saw in my eyes, the tender gesture ended way too soon for my taste.
"Better?", she asked with a little smile and I just nodded, still in a frenzy. Coming here I wasn't sure what I felt but with every passing minute I realized how much I actually wanted a real shot of being with her.
Unfortunately I had disappointed her so many times by now she was the one being cautious. I honestly couldn't blame her but needed to be patient; just like she had been repeatedly. That was a very hard thing to do when I felt those butterflies all over again. I hadn't felt this way in a very long time; probably not since I had been in love with her during our Fifth Harmony days. Every little thing she did or said seemed so perfect in my eyes now, that I could not believe I had let the opportunity of being with her slip, when she had tried everything in her power to make us work.
My hand was not listening to my brain however and suddenly found itself on her cheek. Very tenderly stroking the soft part of her face, I saw her eyes widen a little bit. She took a deep breath and I kept our eyes locked to see what was going behind those beautiful green ones. Her lips formed a little smile as her hand reached for mine, taking it off her face gently. My heart sank a little but I shouldn't have expected otherwise at this point.
"I should probably get you back to your hotel", her smooth voice said.
"Yeah", I said just above a whisper because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable.
We both got up from the bench and made our way to the hotel I was staying in. Neither of us spoke really but it was not uncomfortable after having spent several hours talking; there was no need to force more conversation. As soon as we reached the big hotel, I felt my heart rate speeding up once again.
"Well, this is me", I said and pointed to the hotel like a freaking idiot.
Lauren laughed softly and surprised me with a hug instead of words. My eyes closed instantly when I her scent intoxicated me again. I wrapped my arms around her waist and didn't want to let go at all. But I had to.
"We should do this again", I said a little nervously.
"Definitely. I have some loose ends to tie up here in New York but as soon as I am back in Miami, we'll do this again", she agreed.
"It's a date", I blurted out and felt my own face grimacing to my little slip up. The older one just smirked as I bit my lip in embarrassment. This really felt like being sixteen again.
"We'll see", she chuckled and I couldn't help but continue chewing my lip when she said that. God, she was driving me insane with that new/old radiance. She turned away and started walking away when I noticed I was still wearing her leather jacket.
"Lauren, your jacket!", I called because she was already a few steps away.
She turned around in a slinky twist: "Keep it, looks better on you anyways", she exclaimed, winked at me and continued walking like it was rehearsed dance move almost.
"I highly doubt that", I whispered to myself and eyed the dark fabric I wore.
A smile crept up on my lips before I entered the big hotel complex.
In my head I replayed the entire evening and night over and over again. Maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up this much but I couldn't fight that feeling that we were on the right track. Although a part of me had wanted to grab her and pull her into my hotel room, I realized it would have been going back to our old patterns. This time I wanted to do right.
At least I had hope Lauren was not completely against the idea of giving us a try at some point...possibly. Her hesitation was understandable but I wanted to do everything I could to show her how much she meant to me. My mind was running rampant but I had to calm myself down again in order to fall asleep. I couldn't wait to go back to Miami and see her again in a couple of days for our next meeting...or should I say date? I smiled again and fell asleep peacefully.