Don't Drop The Soap (Pilot)
ACT I Scene 1
NARRATOR: Is this thing on? Oh ok. (clears throat and makes voice into trailer voice) It all started one tragic day...
BIG BROTHER is lying on a bed asleep.
BIG BROTHER (Mumbling asleep): Please Mr.Wonka! I'm sorry!...I won't tell anyone about it...Your chocolate is made out of children...It's delicious...Don't release the super panda! (He opens his eyes and springs up) Help me!
The room is completely empty. BIG BROTHER is just laying up looking at the ceiling in panic. Camera angle changes to look up at the ceiling lights and returns BIG BROTHER laying down. DR. SURGEON aproaches the bed holding his cane.
DR.SURGEON: Good morning
BIG BROTHER: Who are you?
DR.SURGEON: Are you stupid? I'm your surgeon, doctor, DR. SURGEON. (Checks his graph) Oh...I know why you forgot.
BIG BROTHER: Why?
DR.SURGEON: You have...(Camera zooms in on face as he poses and says things dramatically) AMNESIA! (Camera zooms back to normal) You only remember the week before you got in a coma. Oh and you're dying of WW Syndrome.
BIG BROTHER: What's WW Syndrome?
DR.SURGEON: How am I supposed to know that?
BIG BROTHER: Aren't you the doctor?
NARRATOR: But he did not know the tragic secret behind DR.SURGEON...
BIG BROTHER: Did you hear that?
DR.SURGEON: I didn’t hear anything
BIG BROTHER: So what am I going to do about my amnesia?
DR.SURGEON: I don't know, it's not my problem! Here (hands over a piece of paper and a pen) your lawyer told me to give you this after you woke up.
BIG BROTHER (Filling up the paper): What is this? Ok... signing here promising I won’t sue for negligence and malpractrice, initials here. Done. Wait what! Kidney!
DR.SURGEON snatches paper away and laughs.
DR.SURGEON: Too late you signed!
BIG BROTHER feels around in his back and stops.
BIG BROTHER: Where's my kidney?!
DR.SURGEON: We took it out and sold it. You couldn’t pay for your bills so we had to think of something
NARRATOR: true fact, hospitals will steal organs from coma patients under Obama care
BIG BROTHER: Dude! I had money! I could've paid. Wait were not even in a hospital!
DR.SURGEON: It's the recession! This is the best NBC could do! You know what, I don’t have time to talk to you, I'm a doctor!
NARRATOR: Another known fact, NBC is going broke
BIG BROTHER: But wait, what am I supposed to do now?
DR.SURGEON: I don't know, but hey, cheer up, you'll forget everything soon
DR.SURGEON walks away and camera closes on BIG BROTHER.
BIG BROTHER (to himself): I have amnesia and I'm dying. I just remembered that I won the lottery the day before I went to the factory...What will I do to the money? I know I got no hope. That's it, I'll give it to my two little brothers! MAX and MARTY. But father and mother gave them away for reasons that don’t make sense, they know me but they don’t know each other. They have never met...still I'll give them my one thousand million dollars.
DR.SURGEON(Yelling but not in sight): Who are you talking to?
BIG BROTHER (Yelling back): Shut up! you're out of the scene!
DR.SURGEON (Yelling): I am your doctor and you will respect me!
BIG BROTHER (Yelling): Or what!
DR.SURGEON runs into view, gets a pillow and smothers BIG BROTHER. BIG BROTHER falls limp as DR.SURGEON pulls away in terror. Camera closes in on him as he is in terror.
DR.SURGEON :OH NO! NOT AGAIN!
NARRATOR: another known fact, DR.SURGEON did the same thing in Greys Anatomy.
ACT I Scene 2
Setting is the hallway, MAX is walking while listening to music. In another Hall, MARTY is walking doing the same thing. Both are dancing and singing to bad girly songs (Example: Walking on sunshine, Party in the USA, Baby, or a Jonas Brothers song) as they hit a corner they bump to one another. They're dazed for a second then they look at one another with a similar expression.
Camera zooms at angle to make the mirror effect work. Both lift an arm up and put it down simultaneously. The same thing is done with a step to one side and then with both arms and finally with turning their heads. Both shrug at the same time and just go back in the same direction they came from.
NARRATOR: As fate would have it, the two brothers met, unleashing a series of events that don’t make sense, really, this doesn’t even make sense to me, and I did an episode of Lost...Wait, we can't talk about other shows? Well up yours! ...Now back to the story, this is the day MAX met MARTY
Camera goes black.
ACT I scene 3
The setting is outside in a pavilion table. MARTY and HAYLEE are sitting together at a table waiting.
HAYLEE: Why are we here again?
MARTY: To meet my supposed long lost twin brother, max.
HAYLEE: Weren't you an only child?
MARTY: That's what I thought, apparently he's been living at some school in Europe all this time.
HAYLEE: That's weird. Why is he transferring schools then?
MARTY: So we can both get the money BIG BROTHER is leaving us.
NARRATOR: Does anyone know what BIG BROTHER's name is?
HAYLEE: (Shocked): What money?
NARRATOR: Really? Nobody?
MARTY: our older brother is dying so he's leaving us his One thousand million dollars because he's terminally ill of some disease he got at some factory.
Camera closes on HAYLEE's shocked face and then goes black.
Camera returns but is looking at the sky to show that HAYLEE fainted and woke up. MARTY is looking over at her worried.
MARTY: good, your up, I was starting to worry.
Camera returns to normal angle.
MARTY(helping her up): Are you OK?
HAYLEE: Yeah, so where's your brother?
MARTY: He hasn’t showed up yet, can you look around and tell me if you see him?
HAYLEE looks around once and spots him.
HAYLEE: I see him! He's there!
MARTY: Where?
HAYLEE: that guy
Camera turns to far away and shows MAX walking like he's all that, making him look like a douchebag. Camera returns to MARTY and HAYLEE as they lift a poster board saying "MAX LOW" Camera changes angle and shows MAX walking up to them and then stopping shocked. Camera flips between MAX and MARTY back and forward and fast, both guys are looking at each other shocked. (NOTE: include a random shot of HAYLEE to make it funny) The flipping continues until it stops at a different angle.
BOTH TWINS(suddenly pointing at each other): No way! You're my twin? You don’t look anything like me!
HAYLEE(Confused): What?
BOTH TWINS: Do you think he looks like me?
HAYLEE: You're both exactly alike....
BOTH TWINS: Really? I don’t see it...
HAYLEE: Oh well, why don’t you just talk about the money already?
Both twins look at each other intently, camera gasps dramatically
NARRATOR: OH shit! this is gonna be intense!
MAX: It's one thousand million dollars, want it to be 50 50?
MARTY(shaking his hand): Sure, I don’t want to fight over the money, but if anything happened to one of us, the other gets the entire fortune right?
MAX: Sure, unless something bad happened to one of us.
HAYLEE(with an evil smile): Unless something happened to one of you huh?
NARRATOR: That's where HAYLEE got the idea
camera zooms out
"Love Story" by Taylor Swift starts to play. MARTY and HAYLEE look around
HAYLEE: Where is that coming from?
MAX(pulling out his cell phone): That's my phone (answers phone)
MARTY(sarcastic): Really, Taylor Swift....
Camera closes on MAX as he talks
MAX: Yes, this is his brother, who am I talking to?... What kind of name is DR.SURGEON?....(sarcastically douche) Oh well excuse me, I didn’t know, so what's up doc?....but I thought he woke up....oh...how did it happen?...,what kind of accident is that?!....oh, ok, We'll go visit him tomorrow....ok, bye.
camera zooms out
HAYLEE: who was it?
MAX: That was the hospital, BIG BROTHER is getting worse by the day, the doctors think he’ll be in a coma. We need to see him soon.
ACT I Scene 4
Setting is the hospital, BIG BROTHER is unconscious in bed, HAYLEE, MAX, and MARTY step in and look down at Big Brother.
MARTY: Is he dead?
HAYLEE: wanna punch him to make sure?
MAX: (getting his fists ready) Yeah!
The three of them start punching BIG BROTHER who doesn’t wake up. CHRIS comes up running at them and pushes them away from the patient.
NARRATOR: I wish I could punch him....
CHRIS: guys! guys! What are you doing!
MAX: It's cool dude, were family.
CHRIS: No, its not, he's a patient in a coma! You cant just punch him like that!
MARTY: Oh, so you're the one attending him?
CHRIS: Yes, I am Dr.Chris-the-white-guy-who-loiters-around-the-hospital
CHRIS shakes hands with the three of them.
CHRIS: So you're all the patient's family right? Well I'm sorry to tell you this but your older brother is in a coma for uncertain reasons.
MARTY: That's ok, what about the money, did he mention anything?
MAX: Yes, what about the money?
CHRIS: Oh, our lawyers told us that its in some hidden account your brother had.
HAYLEE: How are supposed to get to it?
CHRIS: You can either wait until he wakes up, which I doubt he will, this guy is as good as dead.
(NOTE: audio cant be put in, just make him say that)
Camera closes in on BIG BROTHER.
BIG BROTHER (still unconcious): I can still hear you, you know...
Camera returns to the conversation.
CHRIS: Or you could hire a private detective to find the account. Here, you can even call this guy, he's the best (reaches into pocket, pulls out a business card, and hands it to MARTY)
MARTY(Looking at the card): Investigator Holmes, private detective "From LAW and ORDER" (looking at CHRIS) ok, thanks we'll give him a call, we should get going then.
NARRATOR: It is rumored that INVESTIGATOR HOLMES is so good, he found out who killed Tupac
CHRIS: OK, good luck with that you guys, I'll call you guys if your brother gets better.
NARRATOR: which we know he won't
DR.SURGEON(interrupting): Don’t listen to him, he's not even a doctor! look! (Turns to CHRIS) What's the medical term for this?
DR.SURGEON pimp slaps CHRIS who falls back.
NARRAOR: OHHHH right in the face!
CHRIS(in pain): That’s not a medical term! you just slapped me! What is wrong with you!
DR.SURGEON(Serious): The medical term is BITCHSLAPEXOTOMY, any doctor could've told you that! (turns to the others) You kids better get going, I have doctor things I need to do.
The others leave a bit shocked, not knowing what to say. Camera turns to them as they talk.
MAX: We should call the investigator and have him meet us tomorrow.
MARTY: Yeah, I cant wait to get my hands on the money. I'll probably get myself a trophy wife.
HAYLEE: Hey, I'm right here!
MARTY: And I should care because...
MAX(to HAYLEE): Don’t worry, you'll have me...
HAYLEE(disgusted): I rather be a lesbo
NARRATOR: what a bitch
Camera returns to the clinic where DR.SURGEOn is standing next to CHRIS who is recovering from the slap.
CHRIS (to himself, camera is zoomed in on him): He thinks he's better than me just cuz he's a doctor doesn’t he? Well I'll show him, I'll get rid of him and become the best doctor in the show. Watch your back DR.SURGEON, watch your medical school back...
Camera zooms out
DR.SURGEON(standing next to him): What about my back?
CHRIS: Oh nothing, there was a bee, but it left, theres nothing on your back now....(Camera zooms in dramatically as CHRIS makes a wicked face) except my revenge
Camera zooms out.
DR.SURGEON: What about an orange?
CHRIS(frustrated): Just forget about it and watch your back.
CHRIS walks away, DR.SURGEON looks at him
DR.SURGEON(unaware of anything, yelling): OK, I will! (to himself) what a nice kid
ACT I Scene 5
NOTE: in the scenes that he appears in the camera, alternate the clothes INVESTIGATOR HOLMES is wearing, just as a weird detail
Setting is INVESTIGATOR HOLME'S office. MAX and MARTY are sitting opposite to each other, BFF 1 is sitting next to MAX and HAYLEE is sitting next to MARTY. There's complete silence. Camera pauses and shows a hand made sign saying "1 HR LATER..."
NARRATOR: One hour later
The setting is still the same, only difference is that MAX is texting, BFF1 is sleeping, MARTY is listening to music, and HAYLEE is posing bored.
Camera changes to the door. INSPECTOR HOLMES steps in whistling.
HOLMES(Serious and analytical): Nice to meet you all, don’t introduce yourselves, I already know who you are. You see, I did some investigation after you called me. (NOTE: Switch camera to which ever person HOLMES mentions) MAX, your twin is MARTY, you have never seen each other but you were very close to your BIG BROTHER, who has amnesia. MARTY, you're going out with HAYLEE, and MAX, because it adds drama you like her too. HAYLEE, you really want this money, which is why you hate MAX. And BITCH FRIEND 1, there's not much to say about you, your like an extra that keeps showing up, oh and you really hate HAYLEE cuz you're a bitch and it adds drama. As for me, I am INVESTIGATOR HOLMES, and I hate meeting you.
There's silence as everyone looks at each other
MAX: DUDE! You must be like the best detective ever! How'd you do that?
HOLMES (Showing a copy of the scripts): I read the script.
MARTY: so will you help us find BIG BROTHER's money?
HOLMES(flipping to a random page in the script and reading it.): The script says I have to. It also says that your bitch girlfriend is just using you for the money.
HAYLEE(Standing up angry): No I'm not
BFF 1 (To HAYLEE): Wait you're not?
HAYLEE(to BFF1) Shut up, no one's talking to you! (Turning towards HOLMES) OK, where does it say that?
HOLMES (Handing over the script and pointing a part of the paper): Right here…
HAYLEE rips up the script and throws it up in the air
HAYLEE: Merry Christmas you jerk.
HOLMES(Shocked): What the hell! I haven't memorized my other lines!
HAYLEE: Not my problem.
HAYLEE exits the room and the camera follows her.
HAYLEE (To herself outside): That was close, really close. I can't let anyone find out that I'm making plans to get MAX out of the way. I'll have to contact DON RAVIOLI as soon as I can. Yes, that's a brilliant plan, MAX gets whacked, MARTY gets the money, I get the money, and I'm happily ever after. I just hope nothing dramatic gets in my way.
NARRATOR: And HAYLEE's plot began in order to get the money
Camera returns inside where HOLMES is still talking to the twins.
HOLMES: OK guys, I'll get on the case as soon as I can.
MARTY: Thanks dude
Every starts leaving the room.
HOLMES: I'll contact you guys when I get a lead on the money.
BFF1 stops and turns around
BFF1:Wait, aren't you that detective that shot like 5 kids for no reason?
HOLMES(After a few seconds of looking stunned): I think you're confusing me with someone else...
BFF1: No, really, you look like him, he was in the news for weeks/
NARRATOR: It wasn’t self defense
HOLMES: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now could you please leave my office, I have detective things to do.
NARRATOR: liar....
Everyone leaves and HOLMES is left alone. He pulls a small notebook and pen from out of nowhere and writes.
HOLMES(While writting): Note to self; get another copy of the script, oh, and get rid of BITCH FRIEND 1, she knows too much
ACT I Scene 6
Camera reveals a boy falling to the corner of a room. He's in shock due to the impact, camera is close on him as he squirms on the floor from the agony.
DON RAVIOLI(Not seen just heard, camera is still on the boy): WHERE'S MY COKE?!
Boy (in agony): I don't have it...
DON RAVIOLI comes into view as he kneels next to the boy, he's pissed off and holding a toy gun. He passes his hand over his face and calms down as he puts the gun to the boy's face.
DON RAVIOLI (calm): Listen, if you just give me the coke (presses gun into face, boy just squirms more) I'll let this go. Is that OK?
Boy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of soda. DON RAVIOLI takes the bottle. Camera zooms out and shows DON RAVIOLI putting his gun away and looking at the bottle. Camera zooms in to bottle in his hands and reveals it to be a pepsi one, the word "Pepsi" is simply scratched in sharpie and the word "Coke" written next to it. Camera angle changes to reveal DON RAVIOLI looking at the bottle. He opens the bottle, smells is and then puts a finger in it. He passes that finger over his gums and then quietly closes the bottle and looks at the boy.
DON RAVIOLI(getting angry): YOU THINK I'M STUPID? HUH? (Camera angle changes to include scared boy) WHAT"S WITH THE DISRESPECT?! (Throws bottle at boy) THIS IS NOT COKE! ITS PEPIS! DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE BAD TASTE?
Boy(Terrified)It's the same thing
Camera angle changes to show boy's view point as DON RAVIOLI steps over with a gun.
DON RAVIOLI: Coke is better than Pepsi...
Camera goes black and (if possible) gunshot sound is heard.
NARRATOR: That's true
ACT I Scene 7
HAYLEE is walking, camera is just focused on her face. She reaches DON RAVIOLI's office, there's two tall hooded guards. She tries to open the door but is stopped
GUARD 1(Pulling out a gun and aiming it at HAYLEE's head): You can't see the boss unless you know the password
HAYLEE puts her hands up and backs away.
HAYLEE(slowly): Look, I don’t know the password, but I need to talk to DON RAVIOLI. (Reaches into her pocket or purse and pulls out money) here, this is $100. If I give them to you can I go in?
GUARD 1 lowers the gun, takes the money, and lets HAYLEE step into the office.
GUARD 2: Dude we don’t have any password
GUARD 1:Don’t worry, you can have 50
END OF ACT I