Thursday will be the day I'm supposed to present the song for my Music Class, it's Monday now, however I'm still not so sure about the melody. It doesn't sound right to me, that's why I kept changing and changing the melody. I sighed as I ran a hand through my hair, feeling a bit frustrated. I wrote tons of songs before so why can't I finish this one? Grumbling, I played an unfamiliar tune on my keyboard mindlessly. Things started to go smoothly. I hummed and opened my mouth to sing the lyrics, "No question, you complete me. But two empty halves, make for one empty hole. In the pit of my stomach and in the pit of my soul."
My eyes widened in excitement and quickly wrote down the notes. It's going to be perfect and I can't wait to finish this! I couldn't contain the squeal as I continued to press random keys on my keyboard. I settled my back against the headboard comfortably. The room was fairly quiet excluding the melody my keyboard is playing. Curtains were opened, making a perfect source of lighting.
Lauren isn't supposed to be here yet so I still have plenty of time to finish the song, although I do doubt that I will finish it by today. I reached for an Oreo and ate it. Humming, I wrote down more notes. But then, I stopped playing as I heard heavy footsteps that seemed to head toward Lauren and I's dorm room. I scrunched up my eyebrows in confusion before shrugging.
I was about to continue writing my song but then out of nowhere the footsteps stopped exactly at my room and the door slammed open, making me flinch in shock. My head quickly snapped towards the intruder. I was even more surprised to see a disheveled looking brunette girl, this fueled my confusion even more. I think I remember her from some of my classes. Her name is Jennette from what I remember.
The girl took a deep breath before speaking hurriedly, "Camila, some small brunette girl is looking for you. But then Lauren appeared and she's been shouting at the girl. Your friend is holding her down so you have to come see them!" I quickly snap out of my reverie and sprinted out of my room with the girl leading the way.
Turning around the corner, I saw two figures. I heard their voices loud and clear, that's why I could distinguish that their Lauren and Ariana. Grumbling in annoyance, I quickly ran so that could stand in between them before things could get worse. Lauren kept shouting at the poor girl, "What the fuck are you doing here, Grande?!" She was being held down by girls while some other people held down Ariana who was equally angry.
"What's it to you, Jauregui?! Just let me talk to Camila!" She shouted in equal volume, making me even flinch.
"Why can't you just leave her alone?!" The raven-haired girl struggled against the hold of her friends but they wouldn't budge. The anger surrounding the two was obvious. Anybody could tell that the two girls hate each other's guts. "For God's sake just let me- " Before the fight can get worse, I stood between them and shouted, "What the hell is going on here?!" My voice was unusually loud for a person who's used to being timid.
More people surrounded the area to find out what's happening and that seemed to made me even more annoyed and frustrated. The girls were looking worriedly at us, but I gave them a reassuring smile. They smiled back and ushered the crowd away by telling them to mind their own business.
Lauren was the first to open her mouth, "Ariana wont stop shouting for you. Even when you told her like a hundred times to leave you alone. I got tired of it." I walked by her side and whispered to her, "Although I am grateful, just be more civil next time okay? I can't stand conflict and you of all people know that. I'm sure she doesn't mean harm anymore if she keeps asking for my forgiveness. She's really stubborn."
Lauren sighed and mumbled a quiet agreement. I smiled and gave her hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze. "Camila, give me a chance to talk. You know I mean everything I've been saying now."
"I- Damn it, fine. But I want you to answer this. What are you even doing here?"
"I'm a model and I've been traveling everywhere. I just happened to stop by here so I came here to talk to you. Maybe I could clear things up this time. Just the two of us. Would you mind going somewhere to talk tomorrow? We could hang out like the old times." Ariana inched closer to me and reached out for both of my hands and gripping them gently. I could sense Lauren glaring at the hands that were holding my hands together. I was about to answer but Dinah cut me off, "Oh hell no, girl you can't just-"
"Dinah shut the hell up." Normani tugged on her hair to make her stop. The said girl closed her mouth quickly, in fear of making the dark-skinned woman angry. Normani looked quite pleased for herself when she made Dinah obey her that easily. It was quite an amusing sight to see. Rocking on my feet, I answered her offer, "Sure, I wouldn't mind. We can meet up at 10:30. I don't have classes by then. Let's meet at the cafe."
"Chancho..." Dinah trailed off.
I turned my head to look at her in the eye, "It's fine Cheechee." I smiled. That's not entirely true. I was a bit hesitant to let her in again but I think it's for the better. That's the only way we can get along. Everybody deserves a second chance don't they? Maybe that's a naive ideology but that's the only way we can resolve things with each other. This could be a chance for Lauren and Ariana to learn getting along with each other. They can't hate each other forever. And I can't be scared of her forever also. It was two years ago. What if she did truly regret what she did?
"Thank you so much Camila. You wont regret it." Ariana said with happiness, and hugged me tightly which took me by surprise before awkwardly patting her back. She quickly scurried away when she shot me a quick smile. Awkwardly, I waved back at her. I have to be polite to her if we wanted this to work out.
"She doesn't look like the kind of trustworthy girl to me." Normani told me as her face scrunched up in disgust now that Ariana is gone. Laughing, I shook my head in amusement. "She really isn't." Lauren mumbled angrily, crossing her arms, She was oddly quiet when Ariana and I were talking. Usually she's quite talkative.
"We don't know what that girl is planning so be careful Mila." Ally warned me as she lays a hand on my shoulder. I just nodded in response before I turned back to Lauren who was looking at the opposite direction angrily. I grinned in amusement before I reached a hand up to her cheeks and made her look at me in the eye. I grinned happily and squished her cheeks together which made such an adorable sight.
The girls mentally awed at the scene.
Lauren was still avoiding my gaze so I said, "Come on, look at me." Reluctantly, I could tell, she met my gaze and her warm green eyes showed worry. I smirked in amusement, saying "That's unusual. Where's the playful girl I know?" Squishing her cheeks once more. The girls couldn't help but giggle at Lauren's stubborn ways. "Is it wrong to be worried? I just care about your well being you know." My smirk faltered at her word that made me feel slightly guilty.
"Of course not. I just wanted to see you smile. Guess you took things the wrong way. I'm just being playful. I know you're worried but you shouldn't be. I am able to take care of myself. Ariana is nothing to me and even if it turns out things would never work between us again, then it wont affect me anymore because we're nothing but acquaintances. No more no less."
She flipped her hair to the other side charmingly then buried her face where my neck and shoulder meet. Her arms encircled around my waist before hugging me. Smiling, I hugged her back just as tight.
Behind her, I could see the girls making kissy faces. I got annoyed and playfully held up a middle finger, making Dinah and Normani mockingly lay a hand against her chest in mock hurt. Rolling my eyes, I chuckled. "Tell me if things go wrong, okay? I'm here for you." Lauren mumbled against my neck. The sensation made me giggle and I could feel Lauren grin in amusement against my neck.
"Okay Mom." I teased her.
Lauren pulled away, gasping. She hit my shoulder gently before stepping away. Laughing the girls and I decided to go our own way but not before they hugged me tightly, respectively. Lauren and I walked back to our room hand in hand. A comfortably silence surrounded the two us, making me feel even more content.
_
I was just about to leave the campus. Ariana called me to go to NY's Cup, which is a nice looking little cafe just nearby NYU. I remember going there a few times whenever I wanted to go to a quiet place to study. NY's Cup is the perfect place to relax seeing that not many people know the place. The cafe is quite eccentric, in a good way. From the outside it looks like a worm-out building made of wood with some little scratches here and there, the cafe name basically hanging by one end, dusty windows that you can barely see through and the light flickering often.
But on the inside however... Is another story. The place is so cozy and it's full of platitudinous items that must have costed a fortune! That's a prime example of 'don't judge a book by its cover'. Once you actually go inside you'll be blown away. I already grew accustomed to NY's Cup and became friends with some employees.
New York is really wonderful. I always loved trying out new things. I haven't even explored half of New York yet! I still have a long way to go.
Smiling in contentment, I strolled down the streets heading towards the said cafe. A gentle breeze blew as the hot sun shined down. I smiled politely as an elderly woman walked by, who smiled back at me. The walk from the campus to the cafe isn't that far. That's why I decided to walk. Besides, this would be a nice opportunity to relish this nice weather. It rarely happens anymore in New York City.
It didn't take long so here I am now, going inside the cafe. As I opened the down, a small squeaking sound vibrated in the room making me slightly cringe. Putting my hands in pocket, I sat down on my usual spot at the very back of the cafe. When I looked around the place, various mismatched tables and couches caught my attention. In the corner of the room, big bookshelves lay with hundreds of books inside.
In this said room, I got to read my favorite book of all time 'To Kill a Mockingbird'. I've borrowed the book so many times so for like- my fifth time borrowing it, the owner let me have it instead. I couldn't be thankful enough.
I checked my watch feeling impatient. I'm not surprised at all. The girls has a horrible sense of time. I swear to God, I still wonder if she even has clocks lying around her house.
As if she was reading my mind, Ariana came walking inside the cafe. She looked around trying to spot me and I waved to catch her attention. Our eyes then met and she smiled, also making me smile. Ariana sat down on the opposite booth. The brunette clasped her hands together and breathed out shakily. I smirked in amusement. Is she seriously nervous right now? The model lifted her head up, asking "Have you ordered something yet?"
I shook my head. She giggled, saying "Well, I have a perfect drink for you. Let me order for you." I raised an eyebrow before letting out a small chuckle, "Sure, knock yourself out." Ariana called for a waiter and told him our order. The guy kept stealing glances at me and it's making me uncomfortable. He smirked before winking at me.
As he was about to open his mouth, I quickly beat him to it "I'm gay." smiling a tight lipped smile in a fake polite way. The guy widened his eyes, stuttering with his words while he flushed in embarrassment before scurrying off behind the counter. I can see one of his co-workers laugh at him as he was still a blushing mess. Rolling my eyes, I looked back at Ariana who was looking quite amazed in my way of handling the situation. "That was new." She told me. I just shrugged before answering, "Wouldn't want to lead on the poor guy."
After saying those words, an awkward silence surrounded us. "So," The model cleared her throat. "I'm not going to beat around the bush. If I want to work things out between us, I need to be a hundred percent honest with you." I mentally rolled my eyes. I thought that was already a given. I'm glad you finally understand that, Ariana.
My smart mouth is harder to control than I originally thought. I'm sorry I underestimated you, buddy.
"That's what I wanted all along. You were my friend but now I see as nothing more than a mere acquaintance." I told her without a single trace of remorse of lie saying those cold words. I leaned back on my set trying to find a comfortable position. I looked at her to see her reaction. Ariana had a small smile as if she knew she deserved this kind of treatment "Then I plan on proving that I changed."
I looked for a trace of lie as I looked at her brown eyes. Her eyes showed no lie and I could tell that she was truly sincere with her words. Gulping, I gazed down "Tell me everything from the start."
She sent me a small smile, thanking me for listening to her side of the story. "I'm just gonna cut to the chase." Ariana took a deep breath, making me feel uneasy and worried. "I'm gay." My eyebrows raised in surprise as my mouth made an 'o' shape. That wasn't what I expected at all...?
"I know that you're surprised but that's not all. Remember when I told you that my dad started becoming more distant towards me?" I nodded slowly. But what does this have to do with me? "He hates gay people."
"What? But he was always nice to me." I was so confused at this point.
"He isn't. Trust me. Behind your back, he kept saying how disgusting you are and he keeps telling me how he can't believe that I was friends with you. I couldn't stand it. Everytime you visit our house it's like he was becoming more and more distant by the second." She was basically keeping a sob from escaping her mouth and I felt sorry that she had to go through this. I'm just really luck that i have such welcoming parents.
I quickly stood up and sat beside her. I let her let out her tears as I wrap my arms around her petite form. Hot tears spilled from her eyes as Ariana choked a sob that escaped her lips. Seeing this devastated made me feel bad that I never let her explain. The poor girl was hurting and I wasn't there for her.
"Have you ever told him?" I asked gently, rubbing my hand comfortingly against her back. "No, I can't let him know. What if he disowns me? You know how terrifying he can get! What would I be without my own Father's support? If I ruin everything by just admitting I'm gay, I don't know what I'll do!" She wailed. I could see pain and grief in her eyes, with just that, I understood how much her Father means to her. But is it really worth keeping who you truly are to yourself?
Like, I wouldn't understand how she must have felt whenever she hears her own Father basically cursing the existence of homosexuals. I just think that maybe she probably felt so suffocated. Sure I may have had some people hate towards me for being gay but they're just strangers. They're people who I'll never see again so frankly I don't even care what they say about me 'cause it's just simply irrelevant.
The only opinions that matter are from the people that has grown close to me. And if one of those people that I call 'friends' doesn't accept that, then that just means we were never close to begin with. But luckily, those people actually accept me.
"I can tell how much your Father loves you. If he can love you without knowing about your sexuality, then give him a chance to change his opinion. You're Father literally spoils you! Didn't he work his ass of so he could get you to where you are now? At Graduation Day, he cried in front of all the students when you walked on stage. Mr. Grande was so proud of you!" I rambled. By now Ariana has already stopped sobbing. Although our actions must have gotten the attention from the few people who were in her, we didn't give them the attention.
Ariana lifted her head up from my chest and frowned, thinking about the consequences. The brunette nodded hesitantly, "What about your mother though?" I asked.
Ariana fiddled with her fingers nervously, meeting my eyes. "She's knows and she's fine with it. My Father is the only one who doesn't know." I smiled comfortingly, "See, you have many people that supports you. Your Father's disapproval wouldn't change that."
"That's not even half of the story yet." She sighed, shaking her head. I looked at her with a gleam of confusion in my eyes. I was just about to ask her what she meant by that but she cut me off before I could even speak, "I took my frustration out on you and I regret that thoroughly. It just made me feel so envious about how you can be so carefree knowing that everybody know about you."
"That's..." I was speechless at this point. I didn't know how to reply to the news. I never knew that she felt that way. It's saddening, really. It made me feel so guilty for some reason, "I'm so sorry." I just felt like I needed to apologize to her for whatever reason. I can understand why she felt that way.
"Why are you even apologizing... I'm the one at fault." Ariana whispered quietly looking down to her lap with a look of pure frustration and confusion on her face. "I wanted to be like you but I couldn't. Not when I knew about him. It's like, half of my life, I was lying to him. I thought that maybe, if I made I treated you horribly, you would feel even the little bit of pain that I felt."
Ariana felt like she was giving out her darkest secret and she didn't like it. But she knew it was necessary if she wanted to patch things up with me.
"I know it's such a terrible thing to do. That's why I wanted to move on. To forget about those things because I know I can't just talk to you one day and say 'Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean all the horrible things that I did to you.' because now that just sounds stupid! But look what I'm doing now..." Ariana chuckled humorlessly.
I don't know how to feel about that. It's like I'm feeling a mix of shock, confusion, hurt and anger. I don't think I deserved it, did I? I can't just forget all the scars, literally. If she felt that way from the beginning she could of talked to me about it. I could of understood her. I need to let this news sink in before I can talk to her again. This all to much for me to take. I put my head between my palms and sighed. I did not expect this conversation to go this far, if I did I would have picked a more private place to talk, not in some public cafe in the middle of New York! Fucking hell, I internally groaned to myself.
Lifting my head up, I met her eyes that were pleading for forgiveness. I shook my head, "I need to think about this alone." I stood up hurriedly, taking my backpack with me. In the corner of my eye, I could see Ariana stand up to follow me but stopped. I frowned and head outside. When I went out, it was already sunset and the lights illuminated the New York City streets. I suddenly felt a wave of emotions as I let her words sink in.
I cleared my thought and went straight home. It doesn't feel that bad anymore knowing that my friends are there for me so I went home looking forward to talking to them.
_
I quietly went inside and closed the door. Groaning, I leaned against it and slid down, burying my face in my hands. I breathe out a frustrated sigh. Moments later, I hear silent footsteps heading towards my crouched form. I leaned into the person's arms without looking up as I already know who the person is. Her soft hands caressed my hair softly and comfortingly making me feel relaxed. Warmth radiated from her and it was so comforting. I could recognize this embrace from anywhere.
Finally, I looked up to see concerned green eyes gazing at me. i smiled reassuringly. "We talked and it was quite eventful.. To say the least." Without saying anything else, Lauren sent me a small smile as if she already understand but how would she react if I tell her everything? I wrapped my shaking arms around her neck, hugging her back.
"I didn't expect her to admit to me that she's gay."
I felt Lauren stiffen when she heard my words so I looked at her confused seeing that she was clenching her jaw almost angrily. Why did she react like that? Does she know a fact that I don't or something? Her body posture wasn't relaxed and I was still confused. I decided that it was probably just my imaginations and continued, "Ariana basically said that she was driven by envy. She hated me because I was out because she couldn't. It made me feel so frustrated, you know? Hearing that she did those because she wanted to take her frustration out on me. Her Father stopped her from being herself."
"Her reasons understandable but taking out her frustration on you is going way too far. If she's actually your friend, she wouldn't have done those horrible things to you. You're a gorgeous girl with a wonderful mind that needs to be appreciated. And if she didn't do that, I will. From now on, just keep telling yourself that you didn't deserve that kind of treatment and it wasn't your fault. Those scars on your wrist are just a reminder of how strong you are." Lauren told me sincerely, making my heart beat faster. I was in shock from hearing her utter those kind words to me.
Without breaking eye contact, Lauren pushed my sleeves to my elbow and gave each scar a peck. It made me feel so appreciated. I can't thank her enough for being there for me.
And I thought to myself, that maybe we were broken in our own ways.