/ another update so quick, who is this person? /
one week later
phil
There's a letter on his doorstep, labelled to him.
His name is written in a scrawly, almost unreadable font, the ink smudged slightly and the envelope slightly damp and crinkled in places which suggests it was held tightly as the person delivered it in the rain.
He knows who it's from, no one else would leave him a letter.
He sighs and bends down, holding the envelope delicately in his fingers as he's trying not to damage the soggy letter further. Cold air and drops of rain blow in his house with him, but he shuts the rest out behind him. His house is strangely quiet. He walks past his kitchen bench, ignoring the note from his father on the bench (he blocked his number), and beelines for his bedroom.
"Winston, off the pillow!" Phil sighs at his cat, now evolved from his kitten size he takes up almost all of his pillow.
The cat never exercises and just eats and sleeps. He almost resembles a pillow himself, a smaller, fluffy one. Phil places the letter on his desk before sitting on his bed beside the grey cat, running his fingers through it's fur and listening to him purr while he watches the rain fall outside, making him feel rather sleepy.
Eventually, Phil drags his attention back to the letter in his desk, unable to shove aside his curiously any longer. Now more dried, Phil tears open the envelope without worrying about damaging it's content. He unfolds the paper and begins to read Dan's attempt at neat handwriting, smudges of ink still scattered across the words.
Phil,
What do I say first? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you that day, I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry if I've caused you pain in any way. You don't deserve that.
I understand why you're upset with me, but I promise I wasn't talking to you. All you've done is provide me with light in my life and I love you for that.
So this is it Phil, this is the rest of my darkness, this is the part of me you've never known:
My brother died because of me. It was all my fault. He's the only person that cared for me like you do, he believed in me, didn't care that I not have a stupid fucking mood. We were walking, I wasn't looking where I was going, a car came, I was in it's way, he ran and pushed me out of the way.
He died, Phil. He died saving my pathetic ass.
I've always blamed myself for this, why didn't I do something? It should've been me. I'm a screw up, he deserves life so much more than I do. I was so miserable.
Darkness began to seep in from everywhere, smothering out my light until wherever I looked was black. I was so trapped, so suffocated. Everything hurt me so I joined in.
I was talking to my mind Phil, there's a voice in my head which tears me apart every chance it gets. It's breaking me. I did this to myself, I'm destroying everything around me as I simultaneously destroy myself.
That's what's crushing me.
I'm scared, Phil. How do I escape my own head? Do I have to live with this forever? Is the only way I can truly stop hurting by giving up completely? I can't take this much longer Phil, not without you by my side.
You make me feel loved, needed, wanted. I can't thank you enough for this Phil, but I do understand if you don't want to talk again.
I'm sorry that I've hurt you, because all you've done is heal me.
I love you Phil.
Dan.
Phil re-reads the letter until the words begin to blur before his eyes and he knows it so well he doesn't even stumble on a single smudged or almost unreadable word. He reads it until his cheeks are stiff and coated with both dried and fresh tears. He reads it until he realises what he has to do now.
Dan has left this all up to him.
Without thinking twice, Phil grabs a jumper, throwing it on as he bolts out the front door, which whirls shut behind him, and runs all the way down his street, his cheeks stinging and red from the cold air and his lungs heaving.
He arrives where he knows Dan will be. The swing set. Dan is sitting on one of the swings, his shoulders hunched forward and if he looks closely, he can see trails of mist swirling into the air from Dan's breaths. He's rocking slightly back and forth on the swing, his long legs dragging his shoes long the wet ground. He's drenched and has the look of someone who's lost all hope.
Phil takes slow steps towards him, his shoes squelching in the soaked grass. Dan must be lost in a trance as he seems oblivious to Phil's presence. Phil reaches his hand out and lightly taps Dan on the shoulder, who turns rapidly around and almost falls off the swing. He jumps to his feet, still facing Phil, and smiles softly.
How does he? Oh, mood right, Phil thinks to himself as he looks above to see a small heart above him.
Phil opens his mouth to speak, however he cannot think of a single thing to say which would suffice all he wishes to say at this moment. There's simply no words for what he's thinking, or at least none that he knows. Dan looks at Phil, his warm, saddened brown eyes dull yet hopeful as he waits for Phil to say something.
"Dan, I-" Phil begins to say, but his mind runs out of words mid sentence.
So instead, he walks around, so he's facing Dan without a swing between them, and launches himself forward and throws his arms around Dan's surprised figure. He holds on until he feels Dan relax into the hug and hold onto Phil tightly, desperately. Then, Dan starts sob.
"I-I'm a m-m-mess Phil," Dan whispers softly, his breath warm on Phil's freezing neck, creating a trail of goosebumps on his skin, "I can't h-h-hold myself t-together."
"It's okay," Phil replies, holding Dan protectively in his arms, "I've got you."
"Promise?" Dan asks, his voice fragile and barely audible in the rain.
"I promise."
Dan reaches his shaking hands towards Phil and gently places them on either side of his face. Dan stares at him for a moment, Dan's eyes holding his attention until Dan leans forward and crashes his lips against Phil's own, making his eyes flutter shut and arms hold Dan more tightly.
He loves Dan, he has no doubt about that in his mind. The fragile, moodless boy who wants nothing more than to be wanted has worked his way into Phil a heart. And even though a lot of people think he's a freak, capable of no emotion or feelings and void of value to the world, Phil knows that's not true. Dan owns the biggest heart out of everyone Phil knows.
Phil pulls away from the kiss and just stares at Dan, who is staring back with no other emotion except pure love. Phil smiles and feels his chest flutter and grow lighter.
His heart is full of light, full of love;
and all he wants to do is share it with Dan.
*************
an/ yeah it's another shorter chapter I'm sorry but at least this one was quicker haha (and happier)
moods will probably have to come to an end soon, but there's still a little way to go!
hope you enjoyed the chapter, please vote and comment if you did, I'd really appreciate it!
also I have a new phanfic I wanna start when this one is finished (I may start it before but I wanna try and write a bit in advance for it)
it's called down from five and I'm very excited for it! pls check it out :)
thanks so much for reading, hopefully I'll update again soon
^-^ xx