[edited]
I left the hospital late that night, my first time in a while. This time no one even had to ask me, I was the one who had decided to leave. I couldn't stand being that room for one more fucking second.
I had collapsed straight on my bed that night, and tears had flowed until my pillow was soaked and my eyes felt dry.
I missed Emmy.
* * * *
The Samuels family had spent the following week organizing the funeral. I helped them a little, but mostly stayed away. I couldn't be there without thinking of Emmy, and that brought back too many memories.
So that it was why it surprised me when Elliot asked me to come over one day, "It won't be long, I promise. I think my mum just wants to ask you something, I'm actually not too sure."
"Of course," I had agreed.
I now rang the doorbell of the Samuels house. I couldn't help but feel disappointed when it wasn't Emmy greeting me with a bright smile, but instead Mr. Samuels greeting me with a sad one.
"Hello, Grayson, come on in, son."
I walked in towards the dining room, where the table was filled with old pictures and plans for the ceremony taking place this weekend. "Grayson, sweetie, how are you holding up?" Mrs. Samuels hugged me tightly.
She was petite and thin, just like her daughter, and her embrace felt just like Emmy's, as if she was almost using me to support herself. I tightly hugged her back.
"I'm holding up, Mrs. S, how about you all?"
She brushed my concern off with a bitter smile, "Just the same. I feel Elliot and Evan have been taking it the hardest - especially Evan - apart from you. They refuse to eat or leave the house. And they haven't been tolerating any well-wishers who've come and visited. Just stayed in their rooms all day," she explains.
I grab her hand, attempting to comfort her, "I'll go talk to them later, I'm sure they need some sort of distraction."
"Thank you, Grayson. I think you might need one too," she looks at me pointedly.
I felt especially bad for Elliot and Evan. They had been strong and hadn't said a single thing all throughout the last two months, almost as if they were ignoring it. Everything must have hit them like a truck.
It felt weird not to be able to say the Three E's, as we sometimes jokingly called them. They weren't the Samuels twins, they were triplets, and they always would be.
"Anyway, darling, I wanted to ask you a question."
I nodded, telling her to go right ahead.
"Would you be willing to make a speech at Emmy's...funeral?" she hesitated during the last part, "Just a little one. Elliot and Evan have both refused, and if you don't want to, that's totally fine, but-"
"I'll do it," I cut in.
She look surprised at my quick decision, "Grayson, honey, you should take some time to think about this. It can be very hard, you know."
"No, I'll definitely do it. It's the absolute least I could do for Emmy," I confirm.
She rubs a hand up and down my back, "Wonderful. Would you like to stay and eat something? We'll be having dinner in an hour or so."
I shook my head, "No thank you, Mrs. S, I should be getting home. I'll just say goodbye to El and Ev."
"Right, of course."
I make my my upstairs, walking past the closed door that was once Emmy's room, and knock on their bedroom door. When no answer comes, I open it slightly, sticking my head in.
Both brothers were lying flat on their beds, wide awake but not moving. The room was a mess, and a distinct smell was quite prominent.
"You two have certainly let yourselves go," I walk in.
Evan tries to chuck a pillow at me, but misses on account that he hasn't moved from his place. I sit on the edge of Elliot's bed, which was only a bit safer.
Elliot sat up, but looked at me with dead eyes, "Hey, Grayson. What'd my mum want to ask you?"
"She wanted to ask me to make a speech at the funeral this weekend. She said you two had said no. Why was that?"
Evan only grunted in response and rolled over on the bed so he couldn't see me, but Elliot spoke, "We both tried alone, but we couldn't think of what to say. And then we tried together, but that went even worse. All we did was argue."
"But don't you think Emmy deserves it?" I question.
Suddenly, Evan sprung from his sprawled-out position and jumped at me, grabbing my shirt collar in frustration. I went to shove him back but stopped when I saw the state he was in, "Damn straight Emmy deserves it. But if we were gonna make a speech at her funeral, we were gonna do it right," he growled in my face.
I looked at him in sympathy, but not pity. I had been the same way a few days ago. Puffy, red eyes, messy hair, wrinkled clothes and a not-giving-a-fuck attitude.
"Evan, that's not what I meant," I began, raising my hands up as he still has my collar balled up in his fist. He was breathing heavily through his teeth, fuming.
"Then what did you mean, Grayson?" he shouts.
I keep silent. There was no arguing with him like this. I would call him later and talk to him when he was a little more stable, "I'm sorry, Evan. I never should have said that."
He seems to calm down a little from my apology, but is obviously still upset as he lets go of my shirt, and steps back in what seems to be utter confusion.
"I'll see you two later," I called, leaving them in there.
I said goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Samuels before leaving the house, and walking back to my own. Never would I have thought that Elliot and Evan would have taken the death of their sister like that, or at least not that hard.
I winced as I thought about Evan. Had I really acted like that just two days ago? Irrational, confused, broken? Most probably.
When I got home, I washed my face, splashing it with cold water. I vowed right then and there I wasn't gonna be like that. I was gonna grieve, of course, but not take my grievance out on other people, especially ones who were feeling the exact same way.
* * * *
I buttoned up my black dress shirt in the mirror. Today was the big day of the ceremony, and I woke up in tears. This was like saying goodbye to Emmy all over again, and I wasn't sure I could handle that.
I gripped the index cards that had my speech written on them in my hand when the door to my room opened, "Gray, come on, we're ready."
I nodded, and walked out behind him and downstairs. Ethan was dressed like me, and Addi was in a dark grey dress and a raincoat over it. She tottered over in her heels and gave me a hug, "I miss her too, Gray," she whispers in my ear.
Addi had flown in two days ago for the funeral, and was staying for about two weeks, in our guest bedroom. I hadn't gone to the airport with Ethan to pick her up, and we hadn't really talked since she's been here.
"Let's go."
We drove to the church, where everyone had gathered. Some people I recognized, and some I didn't.
The Samuels' were all waiting at the door, saying 'hello' and 'thanks for coming' to everyone. Addi gave big hugs to Elliot and Evan and kissed their cheeks. They smiled at her, which they hadn't done all day. Addi just had that affect on people.
When it was my turn to enter the church, Evan gave me quick nod to let me know that what happened the other day hadn't put anything between us. We were both in a bad situation, and said some things we didn't mean.
I moved inside, where people were taking their seats. Emmy's extended had all come in from London and now occupied the front two rows. I had been introduced to some of her cousins yesterday when they had arrived, but I hadn't felt up to meeting the rest of the family.
Once everyone had filed in and sat down, Mrs. Samuels gripped my shoulder, "Grayson, sweetheart, you know how everything will go, correct?"
I nodded, and sat down in the front row, staring straight ahead. Ethan patted my shoulder from next to me, and I gave him a small, but nevertheless grateful smile.
Right in front of me was Emmy's picture problem printed on a giant canvas, which was propped up a pedestal for all to see.
The picture was one I had chosen, a candid taken by yours truly from back when we were in New York. Emmy looked adorable bundled in her winter jacket. She had been shining her smile to me when it had been taken. A tall, gray, industrial building stood behind her. She had asked me to delete it, saying she looked stupid, but I had only pretended to and secretly kept it. She looked beautiful to me.
The room fell silent as the priest walked to his place at the front of the room.
He began to say what I suspected was his standard speech for each funeral. He had it down pat.
"Today, we say our final goodbyes to a departed soul. Emerson - or Emmy, as she was known to most - Henry Samuels was a young girl, just barely turned seventeen, who left us too early."
As the priest continued on, I noticed the lack of mentioning an afterlife or that sort of thing. The Samuels had told me that they were going to make the speech barely religious, because that was how Emmy was.
Mrs. Samuels was next to go up, already in tears as she got off her seat. She sniffed and hiccuped, struggling to continue. Finally, when she broke down, Elliot went up and hugged her tightly, supporting her in his arms.
It was now my turn. I almost felt my knees buckle as I approached the makeshift stage. I gulped, suddenly feeling nervous as I looked out onto the teary eyed crowd.
"Uh...for those of you who don't know me, my name's Grayson. I was Emmy's boyfriend," I began slowly, using the past tense.
"Emmy lost her life a week ago due to pancreatic cancer. She fought hard for two months, but lost in the end. During those long, painful days, she insisted on going to school, because that was the stubborn Emmy we all knew," I gave a grim smile and a small chuckle.
"What she didn't know was that I saw everything. I was, after all, with her nearly 24/7. I saw how she winced in gruesome pain when she thought I wasn't paying attention. Or how I once heard her crying her eyes put in her room when she didn't know I was listening. Behind closed doors, she began to act the way every other person diagnosed with cancer acted - scared out of their minds.
"Now, I'm sorry if that little bit was sad, but there was a point to it. Emmy was the bravest, kindest, most beautiful person I've ever met, and she was strong. She suffered in silence so not to tell others of her pain. And if I believe that anyone deserves to go to a better place, it's her," I finished with a deep breath.
I wiped the stray tears that had streaked down my face. The ceremony was wrapped up, and I quickly left. I was barely able to handle my own depression, much less everyone else's.
Later that day was the private burial and the final farewell. It was just family and the closest of friends.
Each family member walked up to the black, smooth casket and said a few words.
I watched closely as a tense Evan approached the flat coffin, his fist balled. He looked like he wanted to punch the lid open, and grab his sister right out.
And then it was finally my turn. I walked up slowly. "Hey, Emmy," I greeted, believing with all my heart that she could hear me.
"I miss you, I really do. It's boring without you here."
I groaned a little ugh, "I just love you so much, and I didn't get to tell you that before you left, so just hear me now: I love you Emerson Samuels, and I will never forget you. I hope we'll be reunited soon enough," I finished with a whisper.
I stroked my hand in the center of the casket.
I placed the single flower I had brought with me at the head. It was a simple white orchid, but I had seen a picture of Emmy with it placed delicately in her hair, and it had looked stunning.
I want to hold your hand one more time, or kiss your forehead as you rested your head in my chest. Or to push your loose strands of baby hair behind your ear, because you told me they always bothered you.
I sniffled, and stood up straight, barely realizing I had crouched down to the coffin's level.
"Goodbye, my dove. You are, and always will be, magnificent."
~ ~ ~ ~
no comments. just tears.
SONG OF THE CHAPTER: Forever Young
ARTIST: Alphaville
perfect song for the whole story.