D A R K O' S P. O. V.
Thursday, January 31st, 2014
I'm in love with Taylor James Ferguson - but I can't be with him for so many reasons.
I've always loved that nerd, right from when we were toddlers. Although, back then it wasn't romantic love - not that at all. In retrospect, it was just 'platonic love' - we just played in the sand-pits together, and we cheated off of each other's homework, and we always picked each other during sports. We were tight.
Right when high school started, when everyone started to overload in gross-teenage-pubescent hormones, was when I knew I really loved the idiot. I couldn't get him out of my brain - during class, I just couldn't stop thinking about him! His adorable smile, his cute black glasses that suited his face so well, not to mention his freaking amazing piano skills. Eventually, the only thing I could think about was him.
I can't be with him - which is slowly, internally, killing me.
He's never really talked about his sexuality, so I've never 100% confirmed it for myself if he was secretly into guys. I've always assumed he was straight, otherwise, he probably would have told me by now. Best friends should share all of their secrets... right?
I could never be with him anyway, on the off chance that he did like guys. My family would never approve of it. As they say, its 'a man and a woman must marry' or 'homosexuality is a sin, and gays must be cleansed.' They would never accept either of us or me in specific. They'd disown me if I ever came out to them. I'd be the family 'mistake.'
Not to mention, being in a relationship with him would ruin my reputation at school. I'm currently known as the 'popular-player-that-makes-girls-weak,' and if I were ever to date Taylor, all of that would get thrown off balance. I wouldn't be popular anymore, and I would probably confuse a lot of girls. Yeah, I hooked up with them and dated a few, but I did that to cover up my burning feelings for Taylor. I never dated any of them for too long, I just casually hooked up with them during parties, and if they got clingy, I just left them.
This boy is driving me nuts.
I can't risk telling him how I feel; there is just too much at stake. If he returns my feelings, my family will disown me. If they aren't returned, then I would not only embarrass myself, but my friendship with Tay would be completely broken, my social life would probably crumble, and my parents would eventually find out and disown me.
Either way, I lose. Either way, I get disowned.
It's midnight, and the house is silent. Taylor came over a while ago and slept a lot earlier than usual. He didn't tell me about the emergency that went down at his place. He was too quiet during dinner, and he barely spoke to me afterward. Well, he wasn't completely quiet - he responded when I talked to him - he just wasn't all... there.
He wasn't acting like his usual self. Something serious must have happened.
I'm sitting in the living room, absentmindedly scrolling through Netflix while devouring a block of hazelnut chocolate. I deserve to scoff down on this, being sick has drained me of my energy. I clicked "American Horror Story" and continued to nibble on my brown delicacy.
It has been a long day. I hate being sick. It sucks balls. Stupid Bella had to come to stupid school a few days ago and 'accidently' cough near me. I'm surprised she didn't give me Ebola or something.
God, that sounded so bitchy. You can't blame me though; if someone that was sick came to school and made no effort to keep their germs to themselves, you'd be a little pissed, to say the least.
On the bright side, being sick meant that my family had steered clear of me at home. Stefan avoided me like the plague, and mum and dad went out of their way to buy face masks. It's ridiculous; I have the Flu, not the damn Black Death!
I'm just glad that ever since I got sick, I didn't have to hear much of dad's preaching. Thank fuck for that.
You see, dad's the headmaster of this house. Whatever his opinions are, we're forced to follow them - it's how he managed to get all of us to believe in God and what not. I don't believe in God - I have nothing against Christian beliefs and I'm proud of who I am - but my brother, oh boy. He's like dad's prodigy. He's managed to make Stefan love God unconditionally, but he's also made him incredibly biased. He hates gays with a burning passion, just like my dad does. The worst part? He's openly hateful. They'll yell at any gay couple they see in public. They'll angrily rant about it to anyone that's willing to listen. They'll make sure everyone they talk to knows they dislike 'them fags.'
Don't I have the best family?
I switched the TV off and sluggishly chewed on a final chunk of the cocoa goodness before I got up and walked to the kitchen. I languidly swung the pantry door open, threw in my comfort food, and shut it.
That's when I felt a large, cold hand wrap itself over my stiff shoulder.
Instantly, my 'Fight or Flight' instincts kicked in; my brain decided to 'Flight' instead of 'Fight.' Because I was so drained and sick, I had little control over my arms and legs.
So, I ran into the pantry. Hard.
After I had recovered from the shock, I turned around to face my midnight assailant. Cautiously rubbing my probably-bruised skull, I squinted around in the darkness, groaning in pain.
Fucking hell, Taylor, you prick.
"Oh my God," Taylor said with the biggest grin on his face, "You should have seen your face! You ran straight into the pantry; I should have been filming that! Holy shit!"
Taylor was laughing his vocal chords off, clapping his hands like a drunken seal while squeezing his oceanic eyes so tightly they looked like they had just come into contact with a lemon. His laugh was like a siren; thank God nobody was home or he would have woken up the entire house.
I punched him in the arm and began to walk upstairs, back to my room.
"Well, it is fucking 12am, how do you think I'd react? I thought you were asleep! You could have called out my name instead of grabbing my shoulder! You could have been a robber or a rapist or God knows what else!"
Taylor ignored my comments and continued to snigger and laugh at me while I grumpily shuffled to my room. He followed en route behind me.
"Oh God, that's the greatest thing that's happened today!"
"Yeah, haha, so amusing, you asshole." I spat before shooting him a glare, to which he responded by laughing again. I rolled my eyes and climbed onto my bed.
"Anyway, speaking of your day today..." I said, quickly thinking of a subject apart from my very-manly-totally-dignified moment.
"Yeah?" Taylor said, wiping a tear from his eye. He was still grinning like an idiot, and I think I made him cry of laughter. He climbed onto his side of the bed and began to unfurl the sheets when I spoke. He doesn't like it when he sleeps separate from me, which is somewhat weird, but hey; don't question the miracle. I always end up waking up with him in my arms, and he never notices it.
"How was the emergency? What happened?" I asked.
Almost instantly, Taylor's smile faded into a frown. He faced me, and I saw his eyes begin to glaze, and his cheeks begin to flush like they always do when he's upset.
"You've been extra quiet since you got here. What happened? What's wrong?" I cocked my head to the side, like how a dog would when you ask it something, and furrowed my brows.
Taylor turned his head, glancing at me. He couldn't keep eye contact with me.
"Mum called me Matthew," Taylor croaked, his voice trailing off slightly as he faced his sheets again. "Matthew! My dad..."
Now it was my turn. My annoyed grimace turned into a slight frown, and I felt my cheeks warm up. Taylor looked up at me again, and we made the briefest of eye contact before his head fell, his gaze leading to his lap.
"Oh, Taylor..." I said. He looked up at me, his frown deepening.
"She was drunk again," he began, "This is the third time this week. I'm not sure how long Ana can keep putting up with it; it's only a matter of time before I find her locking herself in the bathroom again."
I placed my hand on Taylor's shoulder, which made him tense slightly. He relaxed when I began to speak.
"Taylor, I know losing your dad was hard on them. But you just need to know; they are trying to cope in a unique way. Your mum is drinking and Ana's depressed. You can't do anything except to help guide them."
Taylor looked away from me, his glazed eyes now becoming waterfalls. Teardrops began seeping out of his pastel blue eyes, and they dropped onto his cherry-red cheeks. As he turned back, I shot him a reassuring smile, but it seemed to make the tears fall faster. He hastily took off his glasses, throwing them onto his pillow, and began furiously wiping his face.
"I miss him so much," he said between sobs. "I miss him so fucking much."
I pulled him over and wrapped him in my arms. He sobbed quietly into my shirt, which soon became drenched in his tears. He inched closer and wrapped his arms around me, adjusting himself so he was crying into my shoulder instead of my chest. I leaned my head onto his shoulder as I rubbed his back while he continued to sob quietly.
"I promise Tay," I whispered into his ear after a few minutes passed. "Things will get better soon. I promise."
He unfurled himself and looked at me, a tiny tennis-ball sized gap forming between our faces. I stared deeply into his (now red) eyes as he searched my face. The way his eyes skimmed over my face, especially because he was so close, made my heart flutter. It took every single ounce of self-control not just to lean forward and kiss him.
I couldn't kiss him, not now, not ever.
"You promise?" He said, his voice breaking the silence. I nodded, making him smile warmly.
He climbed off of me and wiped his eye with his hand. He picked up his glasses and sighed slowly.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have cried..." Taylor said, his voice trailing off as he continued to unfurl his sheets.
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Are you kidding? Don't be sorry about that; you know you can talk to me about these things."
Another adorable little smile washed over his lips. "Thank you."
I smiled back, and he seemed to do a double take. I mentally shrugged it off, and he climbed into the sheets. Why would he double take at it?
"You wanna do something? Today was stressful; it'd be fun to take your mind away from it for awhile." I suggested. Taylor raised an eyebrow.
"Like what?" he asked, puzzled. I shrugged.
I could say to him that I wanted to hug him so he was all fixed. I could say I wanted to kiss him until my lips were swollen, and I was out of breath. I could say to him so many things. But what did I come out with?
"I don't really know. You wanna watch something on Netflix?"
Taylor chuckled. "Sure thing. I cannot stand anything drama-packed right now though."
I laughed as I hoisted myself from my bed to the TV that was in my room. I switched it on, turned on my PS4, and clambered back onto the bed, controller in tow. We flickered through the films, but none interested us.
"Hey, what about this?" I suggested. Taylor lifted a brow.
"American Horror Story? It seems kinda gory."
"I was watching it before you made me shit my pants," I said, making both of us laugh. "It's quite interesting; It's got a lot of 'skin' though."
"Play it."
I lifted a brow, a smirk forming on my face. "Wow, that decision was made easily. I didn't even say what type of nakedness it was."
Taylor furrowed his brows as he turned to me. "What kind?"
"Just you wait and see," I said, wiggling my eyebrows at him. Taylor laughed, and I pressed play.
~~~~~~
"Well, I don't know about you, but I am tired." He said, sleepily. It's 2am now, mum and dad got home a while ago, but they didn't come up to check on me. I heard their shuffling in the kitchen, then their talking as they went into their room for the night.
I had yawned before I said sleepily, "I'm not that tired. Besides, the fun bits haven't shown up yet!"
Taylor scoffed. "Fun bits? A set of twins got mauled, the couple found a leather suit in their new house, and their neighbor is a creepy fuck? How is that not the 'fun' bits-"
As if on cue, a man appeared on screen; he just got out of a shower, so he was steaming hot, wet, and distressed. The actor walked out of the bathroom, and the camera cut to an angle where his ass was visible.
Taylor stared at the screen for a moment, probably either taking in that he just saw a man's ass or deciding whether he'd keep watching. I wouldn't mind honestly, the guy did have a nice butt.
"Uh, ew. That was gross." He said flatly. "You hyped up the bareness so I could see a man's ass?"
"Well, you should have waited until I said what kind it was, dummy." I retorted. "Besides, to me, it looked like you were enjoying your view."
Taylor's nose curled up as my words left my mouth. His brows furrowed and he made a fake gagging noise. "Ew. Speak for yourself, jackass."
Yep. He's straight. Dammit.
I wiggled my eyebrows at him, causing him to scoff. "Whatever, my good sir."
Taylor turned to me, a strange look forming on his face. "Call me that again and I'll punch you."
I laughed, hard. "Ooooh, Mr Tough Guy now? Fine, I'll stop, since you've obviously so much bigger than me, and so muscly, and brawny, and intimidating-"
Taylor laughed. "Damn right I am."
I rolled my eyes. "Should we get some sleep though? It's nearly 3am... and we have school tomorrow. Well, technically today, but you get what I mean."
Taylor shrugged. "Meh. I don't feel like going to school tomorrow. Let's just watch the end of this episode..."
Taylor nestled himself comfortably onto his side of the bed. I smirked at him before my attention went to my phone, which was sitting on my bedside table. I picked it up and clicked the lockscreen on.
'Snapchat: From Nicole.'
"Who's that?" I heard Taylor say. I glanced at him, and his head was turned to face me, his eyes fixated on my screen. I shrugged. Why is she sending me stuff this early in the morning?
"Oh wait, I know who she is! She's that chick in our year that always gives you flirty looks in the hall!" Taylor said. I shrugged.
I unlocked my phone and opened Snapchat. Clicking the photo, I braced myself.
It was a very, very clearly defined pic of her with her enormous cleavage. The caption read "hey xx". The pic disappeared in an instant.
"Damn," I heard Taylor whisper, "Aren't you lucky?"
I smirked, before giggling lightly. "Yeah, definitely. She's so hot."
I felt something in me twinge when those words left my mouth. For god's sake, I hate being closeted. I would much rather see Taylor shirtless right now. I texted her 'hey x' before throwing my phone aside, watching the rest of American Horror Story with Taylor.