Two weeks had passed since we defeated Alie. Two weeks had passed, and yet it still felt like we lost. We were scrambling to figure out where we should go to wait out the storm. Others didn't want to leave and would happily accept their death. At this point, I wondered if I was one of them. At eighteen years old, I contemplated whether I was done living. I had done all I could for my people. There was nothing I could do for them now. Only Raven and Monty could save us by finding areas that wouldn't be affected by the melting of the power plants. I missed Finn. I missed Wells. I missed Dad. And I think most of all, I missed Lexa.
Bellamy was slowly returning to his normal self. He accepted what he had done, and was still punishing himself for it more than we had. He was trying to redeem himself now, working harder than ever to find a safe haven for us. At council meetings, he was insistent on trying to help the grounders, but was shot down. We could only worry about ourselves now.
I didn't want to worry only about ourselves, but my instincts told me to do so. I wanted to help the people Lexa left behind, in honor of her. I wanted to return something to her in exchange for every shred of happiness she gave me.
Octavia was gone, coping with Lincoln's death. I wanted to cope, but it wasn't in my nature. A warrior mourns the lost after the battle has been won. This time, there was no battle to be won. There was only surviving. Bellamy hoped she would return before the nuclear plants melted, but he had accepted that she might not. We didn't have the resources to look for her, not right now.
That night was the most sleep I had in months. I crawled into my bed, pulling a fur I took from Lexa's room up to my chin and closed my eyes.
She was there. Her braids were taken out and she was in the outfit she was wearing before she died. It was intact, though. No black blood stained it. White light framed her body, and I wanted to reach out and touch her. I knew this wasn't real, but every inch of my being wanted it to be. I held onto the image of her face, and the way her cheekbones sloped. I tried to memorize the exact shade of green of her eyes so I could mix paint later and recreate the pools that made me fall in love each time I saw them. I memorized where her shirt was ripped, probably from years of messing around with the Nightbloods, and where I untied it before we made love for the first and last time. I stared at her lips, forcing the shape of them into my memory. I knew how they felt—I always would—but my memory slipped sometimes when I thought about how they looked. And her smile—the rarest sight of all had already been captured.
"Hello, Clarke." She said, walking closer so she was right in front of me. I melted at the sound of her voice. I had almost forgotten what it sounded like and spent hours wracking my brain for memories to hold onto.
"I miss you." I whispered. Tears had started to form in my eyes and blurred my vision, obstructing my view of her face. I blinked them away. I needed to see all of her, remember every detail.
She smiled softly in the way that was all her own. "I know. I miss you, too."
I stumbled for words. I wanted to keep talking to her. If I didn't, I feared she would dissipate into my mind. I wanted to reach out to her, but I wasn't sure where we stood. I loved her, she knew that, but I felt like I would break if I touched her and she didn't feel the same.
"The Nightbloods..." I choked out. I couldn't finish the statement. The Nightbloods were brutally murdered—their heads cut off just as Costia's had been. They couldn't even fight back, for their hands had been taken, too.
She nodded. "I know. They're here with me."
"I'm sorry." I cried. "I should've protected them."
She shook her head. "They were not your responsibility. And their suffering is over. They would've had to kill each other, only for my successor to die in a month."
"Is this really you?" I asked, reaching out and touching her arm hesitantly. It was solid, and felt exactly as I remembered it. I laughed with happiness at the feeling, my doubts washed away with the tanned skin of her forearm.
She smiled, and I gripped onto it, throwing it in the vault of memories I had of her. "Yes. We're in the City of Light. The real one."
"How are you here?"
"I told I'd always be with you." She said. I laughed between tears. She stepped forward and wiped them away gently, and I closed my eyes, trying to trap the feeling of her fingers on my skin in my mind. I had scolded myself for not remembering every inch of her skin, the surprising smoothness of it despite years of battle. I hated myself for not being able to remember her back tattoo when I tried to draw it again. I ran my fingers along it, I stared at it for that whole afternoon. I should've remebered it. "The Commanders spoke to me. Because you had the Flame in you, I will always be able to speak with you."
I couldn't believe my ears—my eyes. "What?"
If I heard correctly, I wouldn't need to try and remember her again. She would always be there for me to see and run my hands over. I would see her smile again, hear her voice again. A tsunami of relief washed over me.
She smiled and nodded. "The Flame took and replicated part of your soul in it. Now, I can visit you in your dreams. But only if you'd like me to."
I laughed. "Are you serious? Of course, I want you to." I didn't dare question her further. I didn't care how she was here, or how I was here. My thoughts weren't occupied with anything else but her. Filled with happiness, I jumped on her and wrapped my arms around her neck. She was laughing too and I cried harder, because I didn't think I'd ever be able to hear that beautiful sound. But I did, and I swore to myself I would hear it again. I would tickle her, if need be, although I wasn't sure how tickling the Commander of the Thirteen Clans would go. Previous Commander, I corrected myself.
I pulled away and stared into her green eyes. The sight of them after she died still turned my stomach, but now that image had been replaced with ones full of light and laughter. They were brighter than before she died, brighter than when I met her. The burden of leading hundreds of thousands of people weighed her down, body and soul, and now that had slipped off her shoulders.
"Lexa...can you see the future?" I asked, remembering how she said the Commanders spoke to her. She said they warned her, and I wondered if she could warn me.
She chuckled. "It's not an exact science, but I have a strong intuition."
"You already did, Lex." I said. She smiled brightly at the use of a nickname, and then, to my disappointment, her face fell.
"I do know who will be arriving here in five weeks, when Bekka predicted the second apocalypse would occur." Her face dropped.
I swallowed. "Who?"
"You." She said, emotions stirring in her eyes. I could tell she was happy, selfishly so (at least to her), but she didn't want to show it. I was sure she was still upset over the news of my death, especially after all her efforts to protect my people and I. Although, she was probably relieved that my fight would be over, and she wouldn't have to helplessly watch me suffer emotionally and physically.
I was saddened, but I suspected my death would come soon. It felt as if I escaped death too many times, especially when others deserved to live. I was already living on borrowed time. It didn't bother me to think about my death now, and I could see why Lexa was always fine with discussing her own death. She had seen the Commanders here, just as I had seen her. She knew what came after death, and now I did, too.
The sadness was washed away when I realized we would finally be together and the duties to our people wouldn't stop us from doing so.
"Who else?"
"Raven, Octavia, Marcus, Bellamy, your mother...many of my people." She said, not hesitating. I wondered if it went against some kind of code to tell people that they were dying. Even if there was, I wasn't surprised that Lexa was evading it for me. She had changed everything for me when my people attacked hers time and time again.
I flinched internally at each name, but knew it was probably for the better. My friends and family had suffered too much under the weight of their responsibilities. It was time for them to be free.
"I'm sorry." I said about her people.
She shook her head. "I'm not. I'm at peace here. We all are, and soon my people will be too."
"As will mine." I said.
"Most of your people survive." She said. "Many of your friends sacrifice themselves so others can make it to the unaffected area."
I wasn't sure if that was good or bad. I wanted my people to live, but I didn't them to suffer as we had since we had been on the ground. I worried about what conditions they would be living under and felt a tinge of guilt. I would be here, with my friends and family and Lexa, while they possibly struggled to survive.
"Is Lincoln here?" I asked her, remembering Octavia.
She nodded and smiled. "He is. I'm sure Octavia will be happy."
I started to think about her dying. Images of her blood soaking my hands flashed across her eyes. Of Titus carrying her out of the room like a limp doll. Of her being covered by cloth, getting ready to be burned. I didn't think I'd ever get away from it. They had been branded into my memory, and I feared they would never leave. I rested, but was never able to truly sleep after her death because I couldn't forget everything she said and everything I wished I said.
"I'm sorry I didn't stay." I whispered.
"No, Clarke." She said. I missed the way she said my name, and how she said it way too much but not nearly enough. She could never say it the way my people did, but the way she said it didn't seem wrong. It seemed more right, in fact, because my soulmate was saying it.
"If I would've stayed then...I wouldn't have gone to my room so early. Titus would've given up." I reasoned.
"If you would've stayed then you wouldn't have realized that was possibly the last time we would see each other. Things wouldn't have led to where they had." Lexa said, smiling and blushing.
I took a breath and nodded. "A little over a month." I reassured myself. "And then we can be together."
Lexa smiled and nodded, taking one of my hands in her own. I looked down. They seemed to fit so perfectly together and I took a deep breath, the familiarity of it all too overwhelming but underwhelming at the same time.
"Five weeks." Her hand came to my face, and I saw her eyes dart to my lips. She always thought I didn't notice, but I did. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to hers, resting my hands on her hips. Her lips tasted so warm, so familiar and I welcomed them with open arms. These lips were the only ones I'd be kissing for the rest of eternity. I promised myself that.
She pulled back and leaned her forehead on mine. "Clarke."
"Hmm?"
"I love you, too."
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A/N: Not sure if this was a one-shot or if I'll be continuing, but just needed to get that out. Let me know if you want it to continue!