🚧 DISCLAIMER 🚧 Chapter hella long (4000 words) so get comfortable 😛
Janet
My heart was pounding out of my chest. There was never a better time to do it than right then, in her arms, reveling in the warmth and after-glow of sex. I felt invigorated, and I felt like now I could scream it from the rooftops. I was in love with Toni. Honestly.
But her face looked like she wasn't so elated to hear it.
"Did you hear me, Toni?" I shifted to face her better.
"Y-yeah... I um, I heard you. D-did you hear me?"
I furrowed my eyebrows. I didn't. I was too wrapped up in my overwhelming feelings for her. It was literally deafening.
"No, what did you say?"
"I said, I don't think I can do this anymore."
My stomach dropped, along with my facial expression. It was the last thing I thought she'd say.
"Why? Did I do something?"
She sighed and rubbed her forehead.
"Yes--I mean, no... I don't know, Jan. It's complicated."
"That's it? 'It's complicated'? Is there something you're not telling me? You know I don't like it when-"
"When I don't tell you things, I know."
"Well then tell me what's wrong!"
"It hurts, Janet! It hurts a lot. We have nights like these, and they make me want to be with you, you know? Like, really be with you. And then you run back to Wissam in the morning and I'm just here by myself. And I feel worthless. I feel like I don't mean enough to you for you to actually stay. Maybe it's me, I mean, you never said you were committed to me. But I don't like the way it feels, Jan. I just don't."
Her tears were running down her face as she spoke. It shattered me inside. I did this to her. And I didn't even really have a consolation.
"Toni, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to be like this." I pulled her into my arms.
"Me either."
"I'm sorry."
"It's--It's..." she just shook her head. "I have really deep feelings for you, Janet. I have since that first night. And it's only gotten worse. There hasn't been a day where I haven't thought about it and cried. I just didn't want to come between you and him, Jan. I really didn't."
"You didn't. He has some insecurities of his own, and we'd been having some issues-"
"I know, I know... But I was talking to Face about what I felt, and--"
"Wait, you told him about us?" My body felt hot with something a little like anger. If this got out to the public, I'd never hear the end of it. If my family found out, it'd be even worse.
"I had to, Jan. It was eating me alive. I don't think you understand."
"Toni, you shouldn't have done that." I shook my head furiously, still in disbelief.
"He's not going to tell anyone, Janet. He's my best friend," Toni spat. A punch to the gut. She got up and rummaged through a drawer to put something on her naked body. Being that good natured woman she always was, she also threw me some clothes. It made me a little less angry, knowing she could never be spiteful. But I was still heated. I pulled the shirt over my head.
"So I guess that means we're not best friends, right? If you're telling all my business to him."
"Don't do that, Janet. Don't--you know that's not true. You weren't the one suffering. Do you know how it feels to be head over heels for someone who you know you can never have? And you will never deserve?" Toni cried, turning around with a blotchy, damp face twisted in anguish. It made me shut my mouth. I always had to make it about me.
"I know I'm not good enough for you, okay? I know that. But I just--you were my best friend first, and I thought maybe it would work. I know who you are. I've seen you at your worst, and here we are, me, I'm at my worst right now, and you're with me. We were intimate. So what does that make us, huh? What's left for us to be?" Toni pondered. I didn't dare to utter a word. I had never seen her like this. After a moment of stillness, she continued. "And I still feel like I'm alone. Because you have him, Janet. You've always had someone. But I don't have anyone! I don't--I don't have..."
Her body went rigid as she sobbed and dropped to her knees. I rushed to her and squeezed her body tightly. She was physically hot, and her muscles ceased to relax. After all of this kept inside, it was all coming to a head. A sort of anxiety attack. It was all my fault.
"Toni, I don't care where we stand or what we are, you are always going to have me. Okay? Don't ever forget that. And you deserve the moon and the stars and the whole world. Nothing I could ever do or be would be enough to show just how much you mean to me and everyone who loves you. It's too great. But I'm sorry for making you feel like this. I really wish it didn't have to happen the way it did." I rocked her in my arms as I spoke into her hair, trying not to cry. I had to be strong for her. But I felt so terrible.
"You're really in love with me Jan?" She looked up at me with blood-shot eyes. My heart fluttered at the thought, yet wilted looking at her face. I knew this cut her deep.
"I think I am, Toni. I think it's always been there." I managed a smile, and so did she. But hers didn't last for too long.
"That's really exciting, but I can't be a second thought, Jan. I just can't. And I don't want to force you into anything you'll regret or make you choose. I would feel too bad."
I nodded my head. I know that I still loved him; that never really changed. He had been my world for far too long to just leave him. It wasn't fair to him.
"Then he does shit like this," she motioned to my neck with flared nostrils, "And I want to fucking choke him out. I got so angry because I know I would treat you so much better." Toni looked up at the ceiling. It seemed now she was just thinking aloud, rather than talking to me. But I wanted to hear everything she had to say. I wanted to get inside her shoes; get inside her mind. "But a piece of me just wants you to be happy, and if that means you're with him, then... Then I respect that."
I could feel her relax a little bit more, but she was still so worked up. I couldn't imagine the way she must have felt right now, and all this time for that matter. And I thought my situation was hard.
"You're right." I responded.
"What? What do you mean?"
"I mean even after what happened, I still love him. I know his intentions aren't always in my best interest, but... he's what I've known for almost three years, and I can't just--I can't just stop loving him. But I look at you and think about all the things Wissam never was, yet you are..." Toni looked up at me with a little sparkle in her eye. I had never been so torn in my life. "You are everything he is, plus all of the things he lacks. That real compassion and selflessness and patience... And I want it all so badly, Toni. I swear to god I want it from you."
"I want to give it to you, Jan," she whispered, running her hand down my cheek. I shivered. "I want you to have it. Even if it's not with me... I just want someone to treat you the way I know you need to be treated. That's all I want."
"Thank you," was all I could think to say. I no longer had words for the big heart she possessed. She stood to her feet and held her hand out for me. I took it, and she helped me up. I got into her bed and motioned for her to come lay with me. Toni got in between my legs with her head resting back on my chest.
"But I'm serious, Jan. If you decide to stay with him, we can't keep doing this. For my sake and out of respect for him."
For a split second, I had forgotten what this was all about with her kind words and everything. It seemed like the choice was so simple, but there was something about Wissam that I still wanted to have in my life. It was selfish.
"But if I stay with him, I'm afraid I'll lose you."
"We'll still be friends, Jan. I'm not leaving the country."
"I know, but will you think less of me if I stay? Will you start drifting away?"
"Has a man ever gotten in the way of our friendship before?"
"No, I guess you're right. But Toni, what about you?"
"What about me?"
"Who's gonna be here if I leave? Who's going to massage your back and play in your hair if I can't? And if someone else does it, who's to say I won't get a little defensive?" I ran my hands down her body before interlacing our fingers on one hand.
"You can't have it both ways, Jan. I'm not saying you have to make a decision tonight, but..."
"Can we just lay here, then? For tonight?" I pleaded. I wasn't ready to stop giving her affection. But she was right; I couldn't keep leading her on if I wasn't going to commit, which I hadn't decided yet.
"Yeah. We can. Janet?"
"Yes?"
"Don't lose sleep over this, okay?"
"Only if you don't."
"That's fair." She laughed. I loved her laugh. I realized it had been a long time since I heard it too. Even now, it didn't feel so genuine. I couldn't get over how much I hurt her. I pulled her shirt up a little from the bottom, just so I could feel her skin as I rested our hands on her stomach.
I didn't know what I was fighting anymore. I knew I was happy here. I realized my mind had been made up since that night backstage, when I felt her embrace for the first time in over ten years. The deal was sealed when her lips touched mine the very next day, and I was in over my head when we lay naked in this exact bed, tasting and exploring each other's weaknesses for the first time ever, the day after that. In literally 72 hours, she had managed to take my heart almost completely from him to keep for herself. A very small part of me still belonged to him; small enough that I could do without it. It would just take some getting used to.
------
"Janet, honey, your brother got some of your things from your house." My eyes fluttered open, immediately faced with the empty space where Toni fell asleep beside me last night. I wished she was still there; the first thing I'd see in the morning is her face. Instead, she was bustling around her room with my things, setting them on a couch.
"Mm, Toni..." I groaned, rolling over.
"Don't say my name like that, Janet Jackson. I'm not coming back to bed." She looked at me over her shoulder and smiled. I had to smile back.
"Toni, come on! I'm not ready to get up yet. I just want to talk, you nasty." I held my arms up. She gave me a disapproving look, but gave in anyway.
"Did you sleep okay?" She asked me, sitting on the edge of the bed. I just pulled her all the way in. She sighed.
"Better than I have in a while." I'm sure it had something to do with falling asleep in her arms, but I didn't want to say it aloud. We made a deal.
"Good, good. What are we doing today? I wanna get out."
"I wanna stay in." I rolled onto my side and buried my face in the pillow. Her bed was made for me.
"Jan, come on! Let's just hit Venice beach for a while and get lunch. Nothing big."
"How about we watch all the movies with Michael Ealy in them and order Chinese."
"If we do that, you know we've got to watch For Colored Girls. At least twice."
I could already feel my face get hot with embarrassment. "On second thought, maybe we should go out..."
"Uh huh. Get up, lazy butt." She smacked my butt hard and got out of bed. "You can use the shower down the hall, in the guest room. It's got towels and everything."
I went to the couch to get my stuff, and sitting on top was my phone. Without even unlocking it, I could see I had 20 missed calls from Wissam and 47 texts that I was sure all said the same thing. Part of me wanted to call him back and let him know I was okay. Another part wanted to block his number.
"He called you?" Toni asked behind me as she turned her shower on.
"20 times," I sighed.
"Are you going to call him back?"
"I don't know, should I?" I assumed she was just going to tell me to throw my phone out of the window or something, but she didn't pressure me at all. I appreciated that. I was in a fragile place.
"If you do, what are you going to say?"
"I haven't gotten that far yet."
"How about you leave it alone for now, think about it while you shower."
"Toni, you're so great." I smiled and turned around. She was leaning in the door frame of her bathroom in her robe, steam seeping out from the shower and framing her body. How I wanted her to ask me to join her. This was going to be hard.
"It's nothing. Now go get ready! Before it gets too crowded downtown." She shut the door, and I was left to get ready in the guest room that I'd never set foot in.
It was a nice room, and if I wasn't crazy about Toni, I would have found no trouble sleeping in there. As I turned on the shower, I noticed there was everything-- lotion and even razors--but no soap or body wash. I looked under every sink and in every drawer, but no soap. I was forced to go back into her room and bother her.
"Hey, Toni?" I called through the bathroom door. I giggled, hearing her humming softly to herself.
"What? Yes?"
"There's no soap."
"What did you say?" She screamed. Funny, I could hear her just fine.
"I said, there's no-"
"Come in here, Janet, I have no clue what the hell you are saying."
I opened the door to a hot, steamy bathroom and and even hotter, steamier, dewy-looking Toni lathered in bubbles that ran down her soaking body from head to toe. I tried so hard not to stare. I squinted my eyes a little and coughed from how humid it was.
"You have no soap in there, Toni."
"Oh, shit. I had some good stuff in there too, but last time Tamar stayed over she took the whole damn bottle home with her. Sorry about that. Look under my sink, and there should be some in there. Take your pick."
"Thank you."
I did what I was told and tried my hardest to get out as fast as possible before she noticed me staring while she rinsed off. I returned to my shower and I'd been gone long enough for it to get hot. As the water hit my face, I weighed my options with both Wissam and Toni.
Wissam was a beautiful man with an ugly temper. I knew he adored me, and my family adored him. He was gone so much with work in Dubai that when I saw him, our love was intense and savored immensely until one of us had to work again. But if we were around one another for too long, things got tense, and that's when he usually started to say things that he knew would hurt my feelings. Still, I could see him being the father of my child that I'd hoped to have very soon; I was running out of time. He had a good heart deep down.
And then there was Toni. Toni Michelle Braxton. She was everything I could have possibly asked for in any person, let alone a lover; she was so kind, so talented, unselfish, passionate, and she knew me better than anyone I've ever known, other than Mike. In the 25 years that I'd known her, she had never hurt me, purposely or otherwise. Her family was like my own, and we had so much in common. There was nothing I couldn't relate to her with on some level. She is my best friend. And I'm so sexually attracted to her that I can't hold a civil conversation sometimes. It's bad. I wanted her body and her spirit in my life all the time. She was mine before I'd even asked her to be.
...So I was going to call Wissam. I wanted to make sure he was home, so I could help him pack up his things when I returned.
Toni
"Knock knock, are you ready?" I peeped my head into the guest room where Janet was just touching up her hair. The way her jeans fit her today made me feel like we should have just stayed in. But we made a deal.
"Come in, I'm almost ready." She looked herself once over in the mirror. "How does this look? Jermaine didn't give me a whole lot to work with, we might need to go back."
I stood behind her, just admiring her fashion in general, and getting an eyeful of her curves. "No, you look fine. Actually, if you want, I have earrings that would be perfect with that."
"Yeah, please. He didn't bring any jewelry."
"Come on."
Janet grabbed her shoes and followed behind me while trying to put them on. I opened up my jewelry closet and scanned them for the gold hoops I had in mind. When I found them, I handed them to her. She smiled. "What do you think?" I asked.
"I think they're perfect, thank you."
"Let me just put on some mascara and we can go. Do you want to drive?" I rummaged through my make-up bag.
"Sure, I'll drive, but we didn't really think this through, Toni."
"What do you mean? It's just downtown. Restaurants everywhere."
"But it's you, and me, no protection or anything? It's already nice out, it will be crowded. Worse if we show up."
"Ah, shit." I threw my makeup bag back under the sink and turned around with a vexed look on my face, arms crossed. Janet's face slowly broke into a grin as she looked at me.
"What, what is it? Did I get mascara on my eye?" I turned to the mirror to check my face again. She laughed.
"No, no, it's nothing." She waved it off.
"Okay? So what do you want to do?"
"I can call Joey, at least have him escort us."
"That works."
"He's only about 40 minutes from here, and it's only 11:00. So we'll have time." Janet grabbed her phone and texted her body guard.
"What did all those texts from him say? If you don't mind me asking." I stuffed my hands in my pocket. I was always so nosey. But I wanted to hear what that asshole said to defend himself. Ready to disprove all of his arguments.
"Actually, I haven't read them yet, but come look." She scooched over on the couch to make room for me. I sat beside her, and could smell the grapefruit body wash she used. It suited her well. "Ah, let's see. 'Baby, I'm sorry'.... 'I didn't mean it'... 'Come home, I miss you'... 'Let's talk about it'..." Janet scrolled and scrolled until she was at the bottom of the thread. Nothing particularly meaningful.
"Wow, 47 texts worth of that?"
"It's like he's not really even trying," she mumbled to herself. I rubbed her back and she sniffled.
"Maybe once you talk face to face, he'll be much more sincere, huh?" I was trying to cheer her up, but deep down I wanted her to absolutely despise him.
"I don't know, hopefully. We will see."
"Let me see the scar."
She unzipped her jacket so I could see it. It was no longer swollen, but still red, and a little scab had formed. She also looked down to see how it was. I gently touched my fingers to it. "Does that hurt?"
"No, it's fine now."
I grabbed the cream from yesterday that I left on my nightstand and put some more on it. "You don't want this to leave a scar. So keep putting this on it until it goes away completely."
"Thank you."
"Don't mention it." I closed the cap.
"Will you kiss it? Like yesterday?"
I looked at Janet skeptically, and her face turned red as she played with her ear.
"For what?" I smiled.
"It was sweet. That's probably why it's not swollen anymore anyway, not because of that useless Neosporin."
"You're a mess, Janet Jackson." I placed an innocent peck on her collar bone. "I got that shit all on my lips now." Good thing I was only wearing lip gloss. I wiped it all off and went in the bathroom to put more on.
"Thank you, Toni."
"Yeah, yeah," I slurred, as I smoothed the gloss onto my lips. She watched me through the mirror with a look of admiration. I tried to act like I didn't notice it.
"Lunch is on me today, okay?" Janet said after a while of silence. We were now sitting outside on my back porch, just enjoying the perfect, 70-degree weather day while waiting on Joey.
"Why? That's really nice of you." I sipped my mimosa. If I didn't have to drive, I was going to make the most of it.
"This friendship seems really one-sided to me right now, and I need to step up."
"Janet Jackson, you get on my last nerves. There is nothing one-sided about this."
"Maybe you don't think so, but I wanna do more. So let me."
"I'm not arguing. Suit yourself." I held my hand up in surrender.
"Thank you. He's here."
I finished off the last of my drink, and we headed for Venice Beach with the windows down and the sun on our skin. It felt just like the 90s.
Happy New Year! 🎉 Drop a vote and a comment if you fw this chapter heavy 🔥 I'm fucking excited yo this story finna pick tf up on moms so stay with it 🤘🏾thanks for supporting the kid as always ❤