Chapter 22: Sukoon (peace)
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It's night. We've found a small hotel, booked a single room as the manager thought we were a married couple. We didn't bother to correct him, we were too tired to.
My eyes close shut again, begging for me to rest my aching arms. The entire day was spent driving, switching over during breaks, and finally finding a place to rest at the last moment possible. It was already 12 pm when we finally found a place to rest.
The moon glimmers through the thin curtains and I watch the glowing light carefully. I turn over, my body facing Matysa's. She soundly sleeps, her eyes shut carefully. However, I know if I even move an inch, she'll wake up. Every time the bed creaked, she would jolt up. The soft snores that escape her mouth are simply an illusion of hers, something to cover up the lightsleeper.
I turn over again, pulling the thin blanket to my side. Although it's freezing, I let go of the blanket, which Matsya tugs closer to herself. I get off the creaky bed and let my bare feet touch the ground. It doesn't even take Matsya a second to open her eyes.
"Hey," I say, leaning my body against the cabinet. She lets out a yawn, giving me a nod to acknowledge my existance.
"What were you thinking of?"
"What do you mean?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular, really. My mind is so occupied with Matysa that I barely have any time to think of anything else.
"During the car ride. You only started speaking after our first stop and you were back to your usual Nirvaan self," Matysa says. "What were you thinking during that ride? If you want to share anyways."
"Sukoon," I say, letting the word roll off my tongue effortlessly. "I was thinking of peace and the last time I felt it. I don't remember ever being happy with my parents. They were too uptight and wanted me to be perfect like all the other kids they compare me to. I never really had a childhood besides studying, talking to Tina and later on Diego, my brother, and eating jelabis. And I know that ever since adulthood, I've never experienced peace."
"I want some sort of . . . Tusali. There's something that gnaws at me, an incomplete story but I don't know what it is. I feel like I've lost my life purpose somehow. And the only time I ever feel sukoon is when I'm with you. I felt completed, I felt okay sitting in that car with nothing but quietness and your hand over mine during the red lights," I ramble.
Her eyes are widen, but in a good way. She seems curious to hear the rest of my rambles, thankfully. Her body is sitting upwards in the bed and she has one hand holding her face as she watches me.
The moon only illuminates half of her face, show in her brown curls and lips but not her dark eyes. She fiddles with the blankets with her fingers as I watch her.
"And I have this theory that we were meant to do this. That our encounter was meant to happen, that this friendship was meant to happen. We're two broken people with awful pasts and not so happy futures. But the only thing that matters is the moment inbetween really. No one cares about happy endings in books. They care about the journey, the beginning of everything.
I don't know. I hate this tense feeling between us, the knowing of that this will all come to an end," I say, trailing off when I see Matsya's eyes widen and her lips part to correct me. I wave my hand, silencing her unspoken words. "We both know that this running away will probably end some time soon, with one of us dead or both. The best case scenario is that we live both of our lives in hiding or that I finally get the guts to leave the only thing that bring me sukoon. We part ways, and never meet again. Both of us survive in that scenario."
Matsya nods. "Do you only say poetic during night or something?" she comments, giving a small smile along with her words. I let a chuckle escape my lips as I shake my head.
"Only when someone gives me silence and time to think."
"But yeah, that bit about sukoon. . . The thing is, I've only ever felt peace during night and when everything is quiet. I would always sit on the roof as a kid, watching the stars until my parents called me down. After that night when my parents died, I've never felt peace again."
"It's only when the stars are out, a beer bottle in my hand and Amir half asleep downstairs when I feel at peace. There's no gunshots. There's nothing, everything is okay. But ever since I started treating you as a friend rather than a stranger at Tina's party, I felt at peace. There wasn't a moment where I could remember my parent's last moments, or where I thought of Amir with you. I was Matsya - not a broken girl."
"I think we've already shared enough now. You should go back to sleep," Matysa sighs, yawning as she twists to sleep on her side of the bed. I stay rooted where I am, unwilling to climb back in.
"I think I'm going to watch the stars a bit more," I say. "Aren't you some star nerd? Tell me the names."
Matsya jutts her bottem lip out, her eyes looking at the roof and giving an overexagerated look of thinking. "Only if I get to go in the shower first tommorow," she bargains. The moment she says the words, I realize I'm definitely getting a cold shower tommorow but I don't really care. I nod.
Matsya walks to me, and I wrap my arms around her waist - stealing her warmth in a romantic gesture. Her hair smells extremely nice, a scent of roses and something sweet - maybe honey? Again, I couldn't care less about her shampoos or the fact the only reason why I've wrapped my arms around her is that she's warm. The only thing I really cared about was that Matsya was here, I was here, and we're both safe.
Everything feels so safe. The way our breathes are even and normal, the only sounds in this hollow room that barely has anything besides a bed and a window. The raindroplets of this afternoon's rain racing each other to the bottom, the moon shines bright, and the brightest star in the sky take both of our attention. Besides the brightest star (also known as the star I have no idea of what's it called), there's hundreds, even thousands of stars all in the sky. It's truly beautiful compared to the polluted city which I call home.
Sukoon.
This is what peace felt like. It felt like there's no problems in life, there's no anxiety folding around in your stomach and taking all the space in your throat, that tomorrow won't come, and that we will live in this moment forever. This never ending moment, the peace, the exhale of a breathe. Sukoon feels like peace, like silence.
I know that tommorow will come, I know that Amir is on our trail. And it's not that I don't care because I do - but the emotions with the concept have disappeared, replaced with nothing but the neverending feeling of tasali.
Right now, everything feels okay. Everything will all become fine in a few years. I know that whatever peace I am feeling is the same with Matsya. We both don't speak for a few seconds before she pipes up, her fingers pointing at a star.
The sukoon, the tasali of that moment doesn't break with her voice. It only increases more and gives me a smile as Matsya talks about her passion.
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The next day, we're both singing along to a random song on the radio. My fingers are tapping rapidly against the interior of the car with the beat as Matsya sings the final beats of the songs. When the sing finishes, I high five her with a laugh.
The radio changes to some dull presenter's voice that seems stretch for on for hours. I start to turn down the radio. "His voice is so boring, I would rather listen to three babies crying at once than this really -"
"Amir, a well known Don has been in contact with quite a few media," the radio speaker interrupts, causing me to stop mid sentence and turn up the radio. Matsya looks at the radio with a raised eyebrow. "Since yesterday, he has contacted several news stations for Matsya and Nirvaan - who are unknown to who they are. He has not reveal their faces on these channels but he says if you know these names, you are expected to tell him anything valuable about them. Out of sheer fear, majority of these channels have started to ask around."
A girl chuckles on the radio. "Wow, what must they have done to upset an entire mafia to the point they're willing to talk to newsreporters and go to jail. I sense an epic love story - or maybe they tried to kill Amir. Who knows?"
"I doubt anyone does but honestly this Matsya and Nirvaan need to speak up. Amir has also sent a direct message saying that he will spare Matsya and Nirvaan's someone if they meet him together."
My brother - does he have my brother? "Amir has my brother?!" I question, my tone showing my panick. This is bad, oh God. He can't hurt my baby brother when he has nothing at all to do with me. He hasn't even seen me in years.
Amir killed Tina with such ease. What if it happens to my brother as well?
"If he had your brother, he would be more obvious about it. He's only threatening what he can do," Matsya replies, her calm tone barely showing her panick. It's the way her fingers tap on the steering wheel that does. I nod to her answer, a feeling of peace finding itself to my panicked heart with her answer.
"We should change out names. Veer and Roshni it is?" I say, hinting to our last discussion about names. Matsya watches the road for a second, and then nods.
She places a hand to her forehead, messaging it. "I didn't even know what length Amir would go to honestly. If he's willingly endangering his own safety and thertening media just to get us, I don't he'll ever let us go."
"What does he even want from our deaths - I mean mine?" I question, my voice low. "And what does he even want from you?"
"I don't know," she finally sighs. "I wish I did."
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HEY GUYS
this was a pretty short chapter tbh - compared to the rest anyways. I had a lot of fun writing this though. Half of the chapter was written like a month ago and I kind of forgot about it until now . . . Whoops?
I'm so so sorry for the lack of updates. I'll try to up my updating game!
How was the chapter? Any predictions?
- Maya.