(Ok, don't drool at the title. Just keep reading 😜😜 Ps- Happy belated Valentines day 💓)
« AHANA »
Time was a bitch. Maybe it was Vansh's and my busy schedules that kept us away or perhaps it was the flow of time itself that made us behave this way. Bottom line being, time wasn't with us.
After getting along a few weeks, we decided to plan yet another enjoyment date. It could be anything except a midnight date. I didn't want to go through that bitter experience again. It took me two days worth of crying and two weeks of forgiving him to move on from it. The sour image of the time when I forcefully tried to seduce him was still stuck in my head. I felt cheap and dejected but most of all, I was shocked by his words. I was curious as to what exactly made him think I wasn't interested but more than anything, I was shocked that we were thinking along the same lines. He thought I didn't notice but I did. His dejected glances, his fake smiles of reassurance, his lack of interest in my life- I've noticed them all. There were so many instances that made me think he was getting bored of me but I never voiced it out knowing it was my insecure side talking. What we needed most was to offer our time to each other so we wouldn't feel insecure anymore.
But as I said, time wasn't in favor with us. We planned to go on Adventure island which was a huge amusement park in Delhi but it was only after a month later that we managed. Luckily, it went better than expected. Atleast better than the previous one. We actually managed to spend a decent time together and share laughs like good, old times. I could feel our gloomy atmosphere changing. The amount of gratitude I felt in knowing that almost teared me up. I just hoped we would remain this way.
And we did- just for a while.
Our relationship was going on like a rubber band. We stretched out and just when we thought we were progressing, we bounced back, returning to where we previously stood. We met, we talked then parted ways without bothering ourselves to plan our next meet. One of us would call the other sometime to suggest a date and then we would adjust our timings to meet. We would end up skipping a week often. I wasn't an idiot. I was all aware of the honeymoon phase that started in a relationship. Our honeymoon phase started to fade after I passed out of college but I liked to believe we managed hella fine while doing long distance despite it being painful. Maybe that's how married couples lived but not us- we weren't married. We were still living our youth. We had more than half of our lives ahead of us and yet we behaved like a *sanyaasi couple. Like our relationship was our last priority in our lives. What was wrong with us? Just where were we going wrong? I didn't know, I wished I could know because it annoyed the hell out of me.
Vansh could feel it too. We both knew that but he never discussed about it. He was scared of the outcome. So was I. I would blame it on the fast paced work life while he would blame it on the lack of time. Eventually, it was February- the month of love.
It wasn't a matter of belief, I simply loved the concept of Valentines day. People say there was no need to invent a day exclusively for couples. True, but they fail to realize it's motive. Those days are celebrated to induce excitement in our ordinary lives, even if it's as mundane as a hug day. Vansh and I celebrated those list of stupid days in our own crazy ways. Like during chocolate day we would gift each other a chocolate, while during Teddy bear day we would snap a photo with a Teddy bear in the shop which would prevent us from buying it. Vansh even went as far as taking me to a zoo one time, to snap a photo with a real, breathing bear. We actually slapped each other on the cheek during slap day. Man, those were some fun days.
I reminisced this as I lay on my bed with my boyfriend's half assed message in my smartphone. He wished me propose day just two hours before the next one. The message only consisted of three words (Happy propose day) along with a few emoticons. There wasn't even a flashy video of him proposing me like he did last year. And before someone accused me of waiting for him to make his first move then let me tell you, I was the one who wished him on all the previous days and even saved a Silk chocolate for our next meet. Seriously, why bother with the formality? It would have been better if he hadn't wished at all. And he said I lost interest in him? Well, fuck him, he had no darn right to accuse me.
For a long while, we didn't bother with anything. It's not like we were abusing or cheating behind our backs. We would often argue though, which ended up with us spouting words that pierced like needles. This was precisely why we avoided talking about us, lest one of us would start an argument. How ironic it was, we were almost behaving like Dhruv and Lisa. Something that I never imagined us to be. I desperately craved for excitement in my monotonous life. And now that was lost in our relationship too. Bored would be an understatement, I was tired. So, so tired.
Months passed in complete oblivious bliss until one day, reality crashed down on me. It hit me all at once. It wasn't a fight, an argument, nothing! We were just sitting at a restaurant having our dinner one evening. We were impatiently waiting for our orders when my ears happen to pick up sounds of faint laughter. I followed the sound with my eyes that halted at a middle aged couple, seated on a few chairs away from us. They seemed to be in their fifties. I was talking to Vansh while glancing at them in between. The man seemed to be talking about something, constantly messing with her fingers while the woman listened to him, her eyes on him like he was the greatest orator in her world.
I then looked at Vansh who was busy tapping away with his mobile. He seemed to have sensed me noticing him since he looked up. "Just one minute okay," he said pulling out a childish face before reverting back to whatever he was typing before. I shook my head in dismay and decided to observe the couple once again.
They were talking and smiling in between. At one time, the man said something that startled her and he caught that moment as he pulled her cheeks, making her blush like a teenager. The lady looked around while I hung my head low, hoping not to be caught by her. When I looked at them a few seconds later, a smile had bloomed in the woman's face. Despite the slight wrinkles that appeared at the edge of her lips, her smile was still brighter than the all lights in the restaurant combined. More so as she quickly kissed his cheek, startling him this time. Before I knew it, a smile had made its way to my own.
I wanted a love like that.
"Is something funny?" Vansh voice came out of nowhere and I forced myself to look at him. He followed my line of sight from before, looking at the lovely couple before us. "What did you see?"
Something that we were taking for granted. "Love. That reminds me, do you love me?"
Somewhere across the table someone called out loudly to the waiter. It caught Vansh's attention as he stole a glance at the scene, "Yes, of course I do," he said and only decided to look back at me then. "Um, what about you?" For some reason I could sense a bit of fear in his voice.
"Yes, me too."
That was when I realized the truth behind what we confessed. That they were just words. Empty words.
It was like someone had squeezed my heart out, eventually contracting into nothing. The air around us seemed to poison me, making respiration seem like a task. The night just got heavier than before. We headed towards the Metro station as we always do. In the midst of the raging crowd, we walked wordlessly until we had to part. A hand raised to rest on his shoulder which stopped him to look at me. Trying not to let the tears spill out, I instead displayed it through my melancholic smile.
It was as if all the sounds had stopped breathing for a second. "We lost."
His expression was a mixture between confusion and dread. He didn't say anything, instead he just bid goodbye and walked away. I raised my head to the ceiling, finally letting a tear slide down my cheek. We had truly lost.
As I lay down to bed that night, my thoughts railed back to the middle aged couple back in the restaurant. The simple gesture of that man pulling her cheeks made me remind of my earlier dating days when Vansh used to do the same. When was the last time he pulled my cheeks like that? When was the last time he held my hand? I remembered the woman holding his hand too and taking interest in his conversation. When did I held hands with him then? When did I properly listened to him, last? It wasn't just him, was it?
I wished I could have approached the elderly couple and asked them how they managed to keep their romance burning after all those years. Surely they must have held their hands a million times before. Every little thing that they did, they must have done it before. Yet they behaved as if they had just started dating. Even though it seemed that way their looks spoke years and years of experience. I certainly couldn't imagine us doing that in the future. And how could we, when we couldn't even keep up with the present.
It was like reading a bulk novel of five hundred chapters, about the same two protagonists again and again. If you keep reading then surely you are bound to get bored at some point. Maybe that's what happened with us. It was then I willed to open my eyes to the truth. The truth that had been hiding under the blanket of denial all along- we had exhausted each other.
I looked back at the past year- The time when Vansh was living in Chandigarh to the time when he started living here. For one thing, this shift didn't happen overnight but now- Now we were just dragging for the sake of it. Whether there was love or not, we still cared deeply regardless, which came by staying for years. What could we do? It wasn't a simple solution of promising to give attention and coming up with new ways to excite ourselves. We already did that, a couple of times before, and look where it got us. We couldn't possibly keep doing that forever. But if that wasn't an option then what else? No, no, no... I couldn't dare to think about that, no fucking way! It was one thing none of us considered, that one thing we swore we would never do.
Breaking up was not an option.
I couldn't sleep sound that night. Different scenarios built up my head. For the first time ever, I considered the possibility of a breakup. What would happen if we break up? What would happen if we don't? How long we could drag on? It made me grow more anxious by the hour. In a desperate attempt, I called Vansh, slightly hoping he would pick up but he didn't. Obviously he was sleeping like a horse. I felt helpless and powerless. With tear stained eyes and an aching head, I fell asleep at five.
~
"You can tell me to ignore you for a week and I'll do it. Fine, extent it to two weeks or three but you simply can't tell me to break up with you!" Vansh said, after I told him about it the next day itself. His expression seemed torn as he considered my words. I didn't blame him. I was the same last night. He stepped closer to me and gripped my shoulders a bit firmly. "Do you remember what I promised you? That I would never leave your side. You promised me the same too, right? What happened to that? Were they just mere words to you?"
"No, they weren't," I answered, stepping away from his grip. "I'm not suggesting us to break up right away. I'm just telling you to think about it seriously because if we don't then we'll just be suffocating ourselves further. We, our relationship is like a broken plane that's about to crash. Either we could let ourselves be crushed by the plane or avoid it by jumping off mid way. You know the way people use parachute to save themselves."
"You're so not making sense right now," he said, groaning in frustration but then he paused to narrow his eyes at me slightly. "You mean there's a way to survive the crash?"
"I won't say it's the best method out there but it's the only plausible thing I think of," I said, averting my eyes away from him as I grew vulnerable. "We should take a break."
"What?!" I heard his startled voice besides me.
I drew in a breath, bracing myself to face him but not looking him in the eye. "It's clear that none of us want to break up. Our situation is not vital to the point where we absolutely need to cut off to save ourselves. I don't want to severe a relationship that I- no we- lovingly build up for years. So we can break up temporarily instead. We'll be on our own, living without the influence of each other. This way we won't be frustrated either. We'll get back together after a while and see what happens. I'm sure there will be a significant change in our relationship then."
He crossed his arms. "And how we'll be benefited from this exactly?"
From his tone and rigid posture, it didn't seem like he agreed. "Do I have to explain it to you now? A time apart will do us more than good. See, one prime reason why we couldn't work out is because we are available. We involved ourselves way too much that we started taking things for granted. We wore us out and suffocated each other. Maybe that's why we behave this way now. Maybe this distance will make me realize your importance and vice versa. It might rekindle our love. You gotta admit it's better than trying to go on a long date, hoping to bring excitement in our lives. We can't repeat that shit forever."
For a while, Vansh said nothing and I didn't feel like interrupting either. The moment where we stood at his apartment, two feet away from each other never felt this intense. My heart was beating off my chest, counting each second while my palms were clasped together trying to bear those seconds. Right now we were at the intersection between two paths that could pave way for our future.
"You still didn't answer my question."
I zeroed my eyes on him, "But I clearly explained-"
"Ahana, what you're talking about is the ideal outcome of what you suggested. I agree with you. It sounds perfect but only ideally perfect. It's only possible if everything works out the way we want. What if... Let's us suppose one of us starts liking someone else during that period. What happens then? Or worse, if one of realizes that we are actually better off without each other. What if this arrangement works the opposite way?"
"Then-" I paused to give away a crooked smile. "Then we were never meant to be."
"Bullshit!" he snapped, making me flinch. "You know what this looks like. It's like we are told to jump off a cliff, hoping that we'll save each other mid way. It's that risky. I can't afford to take that risk. It's better to suffocate each other instead of this."
"No!" I denied right away, my voice pitching higher. "I'm not okay with it! I'm sick of us going on like this! I've had enough! If you're not going to walk away then I will. Better to break up now than later." In the midst of raging madness, I noticed Vansh picking up his wallet and heading towards his door. I followed him. "You're leaving your own house?"
He stopped in his tracks, turning sideways without facing me directly. "Call me stubborn or stupid but I'm not going to leave you. Unlike you, I plan to keep my promises."
He turned with his back facing me when I placed my hand on his shoulder. "You'll still be keeping your promise. It would just be put on hold for a while..." I told him but then he stepped forward to open the door, my hand leaving his shoulder as well. "I'm just trying to save us, can't you see! I don't want to do this either. If there had been another alternative, I swear I would have suggested you that. If you don't like it then why don't you come up with an alternative yourself? Vansh, you can't keep running away from something that's inevitable. It will catch you either way so just think about this. I beg of you," I pleaded, my voice breaking as I watched him storm off, without a word. I entered inside, closing the door behind me. I stood there with my eyes trained to the ground, until my vision got blurred with my tears. Soft muffled noises filled the empty apartment as I cried silently.
~
A few days later, I met him again and tried to put my point across. I told him that perhaps we might have gotten together too quickly, considering how carefree we were. One wouldn't jump into commitment in that state of mind but we did anyway because we liked too much to let it slip by. It wasn't like our relationship tied us into anything but the joy of living a single life was different, no matter how liberal a relationship was. Maybe we desired that, deep down. Maybe that was why our relationship was moving downhill. Which was exactly why needed a break to be by ourselves for a while. To figure out our feelings. Perhaps gain that lost time. It did seem like Vansh understood as he nodded along but he was as stubborn as a child who wouldn't let go of a costly toy he wanted. He still didn't agree to going along with it.
We didn't talk after that. Atleast not in a civilized manner. What's worse was he often blamed me for being in this situation in the first place. He was behaving like a lost, innocent lamb who only victimized himself, making me harder to withstand him. Eventually, I got tired of his tantrums and stopped confronting him altogether.
Then one day, after two weeks, I received a message from Vansh. It was four dreadful words that meant nothing but business.
"We seriously need to talk."
Okay, five words but it was enough to catch my attention. Was he finally giving in or was he just saying to prove his point? He called me again, later that evening, saying he was being stubborn and that, he agreed with me. Now I did want him to go along but actually hearing it straight from his mouth sounded so final. Infact, he wanted me to meet him right now but I postponed it to next day instead. Just what made him change his mind so drastically?
~
Cutting through the sweet slash formal talk, I cut to the point right away as I entered his apartment. "Did you mean what you said?"
"Absolutely," he replied cooly then gestured me to sit on the sofa. "Just wait, I'll be back in a minute, babe." he winked.
I blinked back at his cheerful attitude but decided not to bite back this time. Instead I handed him a white box to be kept in the refrigerator. "It's not huge but I bought two pastries."
His smile grew bigger. "Much better," he said and disappeared to the kitchen. Two minutes later, he returned carrying two plates with bowls in one hand and a vessel in other.
My eyes widened in mock surprise, "You- you made these?" I asked, even though it was obvious.
"Who else would prepare this, huh?" He said, setting the plates in front of the small table.
Never in any of my visits to his apartment did he prepare a proper sized food for me so excuse me if I had my mouth hanging open like a cartoon character. "Vansh, you don't have a fever, right?" I asked after he went to the kitchen again to bring some chapatis. I even checked his forehead but didn't find anything odd. Perhaps, I was dreaming.
"If you're done over analysing then can we please proceed? I worked very hard to made this and I wouldn't like going to the kitchen again to boil these bhindi (ladyfingers)," he complained. I couldn't find myself arguing this time. Not when the food before me was just begging to be devoured. Thus we proceeded to eat.
We had a decent time together having bhindi for lunch followed by pastry (that I bought) for dessert. Vansh was being sweet, asking whether I wanted more and even going an extra mile by preparing salad. Honestly, I was touched but I wasn't foolish. Even with that smiling face I knew something was wrong. There had to be a catch.
"Is this a sweet breakup date?" I finally asked while washing my hands in the sink.
"You bet it is. I can't wait to get rid of you," I heard his voice from behind and froze for a split second before resuming to wash my palms. I closed the tap off and wiped my hands off with a towel.
"You could have chosen a graveyard instead. You talked about it, remember?"
Vansh drew a long sigh before facing me. "I don't want our last memory before breaking up to be something bitter even if it's temporary. That's why I did all this."
"That's sweet but I still want to break up at a graveyard. I kind of fantasized it ever since you told me," I said, pulling a puppy look. "Pretty please!"
He chuckled lightly, "Fine we'll go there and end it in our own crazy way-"
"Wohoo!" I said, pumping my fists in mid air. "Ah, don't worry we'll be apart for let's see... Three months or maybe five? No, four months will suffice." I told him, displaying four fingers in front of him but something about his expression made me lower my hands. It seemed grave. "Hey, what's the matter?"
He closed his eyes for a second before opening up. All the pretense that lingered in his eyes before was long gone. If he was creeping me out with his kind behavior earlier, it was nothing compared to how he looked at me now. "I have something important to tell you. Sit down."
My stomach twisted out of my own accord. Was this the reason why he called me here? Whatever it was, it didn't seem good. I settled down quietly, feeling restless. He took another nervous breath. "Do you remember me mentioning about a certain portfolio I had to work hard on, a few months ago?"
My brows creased a little as I tried to recall. "You prepared many portfolios, Vansh. I don't know which one are you talking about."
He let a sarcastic laugh, "It shows how much you keep tabs about my life."
I rolled my eyes, "I can say the same about you, my darling," I said, shooting a tight lipped smile.
He waved his hand in front of me. "I only made three portfolios by the way. Ah, forget it. So I sent one to a big shot company, to which our company is affiliated to. I honestly wasn't expecting it but-"
"Your portfolio got selected, right? Omg, that's incredible Van! So was this a congratulations party?! Shouldn't it be the other way around. Gosh, we should totally party! I'll choose-" I rambled on but was interrupted by Vansh's laughter. He placed his hands on my shoulder.
"Calm your tits, woman. No need to get your blood pumping."
I propped my head to the side. "Why? Isn't this supposed to be a big thing?"
"It is," He said, smiling to himself. "I was called straight to the manager's office yesterday. I was shit scared, wondering if I did something wrong but then I noticed I wasn't alone. A few people who worked in the same office were called in too. At first the manager started blabbering about the goodwill of the company and it's future but after keeping the suspense like they do in the reality shows, he told us that our portfolios were accepted. Few were promoted to the higher branch while the rest four of us, junior architects were assigned to some projects. I can't tell you Ahana how I felt when he told us this. I felt like I could achieve anything I wanted to, if I put enough effort on it."
His eyes were gleaming with unbound happiness as he talked about it, affecting me too. I patted his back, congratulating him. "You should have said so earlier. I would have bought something for you."
"I wanted to tell you in person. That's why I couldn't wait to meet you yesterday."
I pouted. "Not my fault since I didn't know. Leave that, so what's this huge project about?"
"It's not that huge, honestly since I'm only a junior architect. I told you before- experience plays a vital role in this field. I haven't been given much details but all I know is that I'm going to be a part in the production designing of a small section of a mall. I'll be given the rest of the details after I reach there."
"Wow! So Vansh will be a part in designing a mall. I'd love to visit there..." I paused as his last words ringed my mind. "After I reach? You mean you won't be working here?"
He shook his head. "No, I'll be assigned somewhere else. Only till the duration of the project though."
"Where?"
There was a pause. "Boston."
"Boston... as in the one in the US?"
"There's only one Boston in the world, Ahana," he muttered.
"US! You're going to the US!" I spelled out, blinking twice. "Ho- how many months Vansh?"
"It depends on how long the project takes but I'd say eight to ten months approx."
I brought my hand closer to my mouth, having a hard time digesting the news. Almost one year. So he was going to live in another country for the next eight months. For this to happen right when we decided to take a break, fate couldn't have chosen a better time than this. It was as if fate wanted to back us up in our decision. Unbelievable! Absolutely unbelievable!
The next few seconds ticked by in silence with his groundbreaking news hanging in the air. I swallowed. A moment later, I looked up at Vansh, helplessly.
"Breakup sex?"
He mirrored my expression. "Sure."
⚪ ⚫ ⚪ ⚫
Chapter dedicated to 7Sanjana07
A u t h o r ' s N o t e
A turning point, don't you think? Just think of all the previous chapters as one big prologue or a preview because the real story starts now. *inserts evil laugh*
Thoughts about this chapter? About their decision and Vansh's new project. Do you think they took the right decision, considering their situation or are they overreacting 😉? I won't lie I'm excited about the next chapters especially... Ok, I'll zip my mouth lol. 😯 Look forward. 💀