People say I’m plain and lifeless. I don’t think I am I just never really found the real value of life. Who am I? No idea. Normally people at 17 in my neighborhood just go to school, get drunk or high, have sex, and do whatever they want. I, I never really wanted to do those things. I just stayed home and did homework or what I’d like to call, schoolwork. You see, I been homeschooled all my life. Sitting home all day and doing schoolwork has never had any interest towards me... besides college but it didnt really make a difference to me. I only have a few friends I talk to, which at my church, and I’m not very close to them. I don’t even know the point in going to church anyways. I wanted to find something. I wanted to know who I was, who I am, and what I love to do most.
“Justine, take out the garbage!” said my mother.
I was just lying in bed. Ever since she has been dating her boyfriend I haven’t really been as close to her anymore like before. I never really liked him. He always asks me random questions about my appearance, how school is going for me even though he knows im homeschooled, and how my mom talks about him; it always gets on my last nerve.
“JUSTINE.”
“I’m coming.” I said calmly. I got up and walked to the kitchen where the trash can was at.
“It’s about time” my mom said
“Sorry... I was thinking about something”
“It’s okay, just come right away next time”
“Okay.” I grabbed the trash bag from the trash can and went outside to take it out. As I walked back in my mom was just giving me crazy eye contact. “Are you okay?”
“No. Are you okay?” she said strangely
“I’m fine, why?”
“Never mind. Um I have something I been needing to tell you”
“What happened?”
“You see, me and Chris have been dating for quite a while and…”
“3 years.”
“Yea. Well, I we been doing a lot of thinking. And we both made the decision for me to move in with him.”
“WHAT. There is no way I’m living with him.”
“That’s why I been needing to tell you for a while. You see, I’m still going to own the house we live in now so just in case something goes wrong in Chris’ house we’ll always have somewhere to go.”
“Well I’m not going to live in a house with him.”
“I knew already. I trust you to keep this house safe.” She said thinking that I don’t do anything in this house anyways so it doesn’t matter.
“Anyway to avoid living with him”
Soon enough the day had come, my mom was packing her bags to move into Chris’ house. I never really remembered how many days ago I found out. To be honest I never really cared. Whatever. I’m gonna be on my own now. But I was always like that. So my mother moving never really changed anything.
“Justine, Chris, I’m going to the store to pick up some food for Justine so she won’t starve when I leave!” said my mom in the middle of the day when we were packing.
“Okay” Chris and I said.
“So it’s just me and you now.” Said Chris in a creepy way.
“Yup.”
“So you wanna do anything, fun?” he said disturbingly.
“I’m just going to go to my room…” I said.
“HAHA. No you’re not.”
I have him a confused look for a few seconds.
He quickly grabbed my arm and pulled me off the stairs towards him and threw me on the couch.
I screamed. But no neighbors heard me. I tried to escape as he kept constricting me to the couch. He grabbed a knife in his pocket and placed it towards my neck. I stopped fighting.
“Don’t you dare try and escape from me. I’LL KILL YOU.”
I was shaking and nodded my head.
He quickly pulled my shirt off and unbuttoned my bra. He pushed his face against my breasts and started giving me a psychotic face.
“Kiss me.” He said
I had no choice. I was going to knee his stomach, but I didn’t want to take the chance. I didn’t want to risk my life.
He smiled and looked at my body. Soon enough he unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them off along with my panties.
He started hurting me. Raping me. The pain lasted minutes but felt like hours.
But for some strange reason after all the pain… I started to enjoy it. It was the only time I actually done something I enjoyed. I kept asking for more and more. He had no hesitation. We heard a car parking outside. He quickly grabbed his clothes from behind the couch. I grabbed mine and ran up to my room.
“hey babe!” my mom said as she said as she walked in”
“Hey hon.” He said steadily
“What’s wrong?”
“Oh nothing I just woke up that’s all”
“Oh well okay then”
I was upstairs breathing heavily.
“Wow.” I said to myself. I never felt like this before…
As the day went on, eventually my mom finished packing. When she left all I could think of is what happened. I wanted more. But from someone else. From other people.
I was lying down in my room and my phone rang. It was Carla, one of my few friends who I met at church.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hey Justine! What are you up to?!” she said excitedly
“Nothing much, just at home in bed. And yourself?”
“Okay! I know your gonna say no cause you like, never go out of your house but, do you want to go to my friends party with me tonight?”
“Sure why not?”
Carla was always a partier. I never bothered to go with her out of the million times she asked.
“WOW. This is the first time you said YES! OH MY GOD IM SO EXCITED.”
“Haha I know I just needed something to do tonight”
“You never do anything…. Well whatever your coming! I’ll be there at 7!”
“Okay.” As I hung up.
I went to my closet. This was my first party I ever been to. I grabbed my jeans and I grabbed a pair of scissors, I started to cut my jeans into a pair of short shorts. It was perfect. I found a tight black tank top I got from my aunt on my birthday. After putting it all on, I looked at myself in the mirror. I smiled. I was ready.
Soon enough Carla came. I fixed my hair really quick, grabbed my cell phone and ran outside. I ran into her car and she looked at me and started laughing.
“what’s so funny?” I asked
“Nothing really. I’m just not used to you looking like THIS.”
“Oh no, did I do bad?”
“Not really. You look HOT.”
“REA-lly… thanks” I said excitedly then calmed down my voice.
The car ride didn’t last too long we arrived to a small house with a big backyard. As we walked in I didn’t see anyone I know. Not one face was recognized.
“It’s okay, I’ll introduce you to some cool people I know!”
“Okay!”
A guy walked by, he had thick black hair, but the kind that went with him, and light-brown eyes, he was wearing a blue/yellow/red flannel and slim blue jeans and had black and white chucks. It went with him. Everything about him was so perfect. He was the cutest guy I ever met!
“Oh! Austin! There you are!” yelled Carla
He walked over and smiled. “Hey Carla.” And gave her a hug
“This is my friend Justine!”
“Hey what’s up?” he looked at me with his gorgeous eyes and smiled.
“H-h-heyy.” I said nervously as I stuttered.
“she’s new at this! This is her first party!” said Carla
“Seriously and HOW old are you?!” said Austin
“I’m 17..” I said shyly
“Damn well your gonna have fun tonight I guarantee, want anything to drink?”
I thought in my head. ‘This is my opportunity. Maybe I could do this again.’ “Um no thanks! I’m not thirsty.”
“Well alright I guess. I’ll be back soon! Gotta use the restroom, do you wanna walk me there?”
“Sure!”
Carla walked away and started talking to some other friends. As we were walking I said “you know, you have really gorgeous eyes”
“Thank you. You know, you have a really gorgeous face”
“thanks.” I smiled.
“You know what to be honest I lied… I don’t really have to use the bathroom.”
I just smiled.
He grabbed me and we ran into the bathroom, we took off our cloths and started to keep going from there. I was so happy I got my chance to do it again.
An hour later I walked out, and Carla was there outside the door giving me a dirty look.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“c’mon, were going home!”
“awww do we have to?!”
“Let’s go!”
“Okay. Bye Austin!”
“Bye Justine I’ll see you soon.” He said
Carla and I got into the car and started driving off.
“ARE YOU INSANE?!” yelled Carla
“Why?!”
“You totally just had sex with Austin.”
“Wait what? I know! Shouldn’t you be happy for me?”
“Why would I be? He’s my boyfriend!”
The car got quiet.
“Wait… what?!”
“You stupid hoe I was going to tell you but you ran off and went with him! Why would you do that to me?! Even if he weren’t my boyfriend you still left me!”
“I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“I never saw this side of you before. You were always at home.”
“I know I’m just having problems okay!”
“Problems?! Like what?”
I took a deep breath, “I can’t tell you”
“C’mon Justine! We’re close. You can tell me anything!”
“I… am just…. Having some identity problems.”
“Seriously I think your too young for that”
“Okay. Well I’m sorry Carla.” I knew she didn’t really understand me but I don’t want to take a risk in getting in trouble.
“Okay. Just don’t do it again.”
“Okay.”
We pulled over to the front of my house. I walked out of the car and gave Carla a hug. “Are you okay?”
“No. but you didn’t know. So I’m not mad at you..”
“Okay well I’ll see you soon okay.”
“Okay.”
I walked into my home and took a shower. It took me a few hours to fall asleep but eventually I did.
The next morning I stayed home all day like I always do. Instead I was thinking about last night. I felt like the worse friend ever. I could’ve known. But I didn’t take the time.
I decided to walk to the store. I bought her favorite candy and walked to her house. I knocked on the door. As she opened the door I gave her the candy right away. I broke down. “I’M SO SORRY CARLA. YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. I FEEL HORRIBLE.”
She looked at me for a moment as I was crying. Then she gave me a hug.
“I know what you did was wrong. And of course I’m hurt about what happened but it was Austin’s fault too. He didn’t tell you anything about him and i. I already knew something was gonna happen it just happened sooner than I thought.”
“i understand”
“And what was this? You telling me about how you had identity problems?”
I took a deep breath and sat her down. I told her what happened the other night with my mom’s boyfriend Chris. After I told her she gave me a face of shock. Then she broke down.
“Why would someone do that to you?!”
“It’s not that bad.”
“Are you fucking joking?! You know a RAPE is considered illegal!”
“I know. It doesn’t bother me”
She started to understand how I felt about the whole situation. “have you ever been to the youth group after church?”
“no.. I don’t really enjoy going to church… besides the morning service is happening right now.”
“your coming with me right now” she demanded.
She drove us to our church. We missed morning service but we came in time for the youth group meeting.
“hey everyone. Justine is going to join us today.”
Everyone smiled and was excited for me to join.
“Welcome! It’s really fun here and you’ll love it!” said Gina, the lady to runs the group. “Okay now everybody find a seat! Okay does anyone have anything interesting that you’d like to share that happened this week?”
“JUSTINE DOES!” yelled Carla.
I hesitated. “Its personal…”
“It’s okay, we will understand.” Said Gina calmly.
"I'll talk about it later."
"are you sure?"
"yeah."
"okay well you can tell me personally if you want. if you feel like we should know you can tell us all right now."
I took a deep breath. I felt like if I didnt say anything now, I'm going to avoid it later. I vented. I told every single detail about what happened.
Everyone was in shock. Except for Carla.
“Come with me.” Said Gina.
We walked outside.
“Did this bother you?”
“The part with Carla at the party did.”
“And why did you accept what happened to you in the first place”
I explained to her why I never really found my identity thinking she would be mad at me.
“okay. I need you to understand that identity is about yourself. And what you are. Not exactly about what you do. It’s about what you portray people in know what you are. You are yourself. Labels are just there to make people be self conscious. It’s nothing.”
I started to realize my true value. All of this.. Was something wrong. Not myself in general. Its what I did. Things in life aren’t all about sex. Things in life aren’t about worrying what other people think. Those people are wrong. They’re so wrong. I just needed somone to remind me. That reality check I needed. “I am me. That’s who I am….. Yea. Haha! That’s ME. I AM MYSELF. And no one other." from now on, I will do what makes me happy. Speak my mind. And not let anyone who judged me tell me otherwise.
*5 Years Later*
My life for me seemed not only happier but more stable. I have a daughter, who is now 10 months old. My mom and Chris stopped dating because Chris got arrested for child molesting and also I found out he was abusing her. I let her live with me and fiance, Terrence so she could get back on track. My mother and I seemed to be closer then ever. My fiance, he wasn't the 'perfect' boy but he was a special man in my life. I'm now studying marine science in community college because I couldnt come up with the money to go to the universities i got accepted into. I do plan on transfering to one eventually, when i save up enough money with my jobi got luckey enough to get as a marketing receptionist.
There really isnt one person in the world who dosent have a problem. The past didnt bug me back then but it still bites backs to me every once in a while. Its just life i guess. With the help of Gina and my best friend Carla, things are getting better for me.
Speaking of Carla, she's doing great. She's already graduated from college. She lives with her brother and his wife now. Her and her boyfriend been thinking of moving in together.
Since then, I'm still working my way up. I dont think I wouldve made it this far without getting help or realizing not to let people judge me in general. My personality has changed. I feel more open to new things and new people. I'm no longer shy. Apperently, I'm no longer that 'lifeless, plain' person people used to call me. Either way, I don't really care.