I awoke to the smell of pancakes and coffee the next morning. The scents tickled my nostrils and I opened my eyes, looking around my room. Debs was awake too, sitting up in her bed with a confused expression on her face.
I sat up and she looked at me.
"Do you smell bacon too?" I asked her.
She nodded.
I got out of bed and started to head downstairs. Debs followed me, taking Liam out of his crib before we left our room.
When we got into the kitchen, I saw Frank sitting at the table drinking a mix of beer and orange juice...and my mom making pancakes.
She look up when Debs and I came downstairs and smiled.
"Good morning, sweetheart." She said brightly to me.
My heart thudded in my chest and my mouth went dry.
"Monica." I managed to say.
She stared at me for a few seconds, not saying anything.
"We don't have any money." I said, clearer this time.
Just then, Fiona walked through the living room, rubbing her eyes. When she saw Monica cooking breakfast, she stopped short.
"Hi, Fiona." She said.
Fiona glared at her.
Her cell phone rang in her hand, and Fiona broke her gaze away from Monica for a moment to answer it.
"Hello? What?"
Fiona's expression turned from shocked to sad.
"When?" She asked softly.
I glanced at Monica. She was giving Frank some sort of look, and she was mouthing the words Tell them.
"How much is that gonna cost?" asked Fiona.
There was silence for a moment, then Fi sighed, her eyes glassy.
"I-I have to call you back with an answer. Thank you." She said, hanging up.
"What happened, Fi?" I asked.
She looked at Frank.
"Grammy died?" She asked him.
I gasped.
"No!" Debbie cried.
"Honey, I am so sorry." Monica said, reaching out for Fiona. She recoiled and walked towards the fridge.
"She's my mother, I'm the one who's hurting here." Frank said.
I rolled my eyes and went to get a mug from the cabinet, pouring myself some coffee.
"That was the Cook Country Hospital Morgue. You need to claim her body or they're gonna cremate her." said Fiona.
"I am done to running around trying to please that woman." Frank said, getting up from the table.
"Grammy died?" Ian said now as he walked into the kitchen.
Monica rushed over to Ian, throwing her arms around him.
"Ian!"
Ian stepped back. He looked at Fiona and I.
"How long is she staying?" He asked.
I shrugged.
"Only forever and a day!" Monica singsonged, taking Liam out of Debbie's arms and swinging him around.
"What the hell are you even doing here?" I asked, annoyed that she has come back once again to damage our lives further.
"I asked your mother to come home." said Frank.
"Oh, you live here now too?" I snapped.
Frank glared at me.
"I made breakfast." Monica added softly.
"Yeah, no thanks." I grumbled, walking towards the door. I needed to get out of here.
"Your mom spent a lot of time making this breakfast! Sit down and eat it!" Frank ordered me.
"This is bullshit." I said, grabbing my backpack.
"Jess, wait!" Fiona called.
But I didn't listen as I opened up the door and walked out.
*
Out of all of my siblings, I took my mom's leaving the hardest. She left when me and Ian were barely toddlers, but her being absent from out lives took a major toll on me. The fact that she has bipolar disorder was even worse, none of us knowing the next time she would show up and pretend everything is fine and act like we were a normal family.
Not having a mom is a hard thing to deal with. I mean, I barely had a dad either, but a girl's relationship with her mom is different from her relationship with her dad. Monica wasn't there to see me get on the school bus on my first day of kindergarten, or my first day of middle school, or my first day of high school. She wasn't there to teach me about makeup, or how to tame my crazy red hair. She wasn't there to see my first A on a test, or my first boyfriend, and she wasn't there to help me through my first period.
It was all Fiona.
Fiona was the one who waved to me from the sidewalk as the bus pulled away from the curb on my first day of kindergarten, Fiona was the one who wrote little notes in my bag lunch, Fiona was the one who saved up all of her extra money to get me drugstore mascara and eyeliner, Fiona was the one who hung up the A+ I got on my English test on the fridge, and Fiona was the one to teach me how to put on a tampon for the first time.
And I do love Fi, I am so unbelievably grateful for her and I truly appreciate everything she has done for me and my other siblings for so many years. But I wish that I had an actual mother in my life.
I could never forgive Monica for what she did to our family though. She destroyed us, fucked us all up. Why we are the way we are is her and Frank's fault. I look at her and see a woman who ruined her life and her children's lives, and left us with nothing. I will never see her as my mother again.
I didn't know I was crying until I felt a hot tear fall down my cheek.
"Jess?" I heard someone call.
I sniffled and wiped my eyes quickly, turning around.
I saw a familiar car pull up to the curb and I watched as the driver's side window rolled down.
I sighed.
"Hi, Zack. What are you doing here?"
"I was over here for work. What's wrong? I know you were crying."
"My mom showed up today. It was just, completely out of nowhere." I said.
"She staying?" asked Zack.
"Never does." I replied, feeling my bottom lip tremble slightly.
"Damn it." I mumbled, looking up to the sky and avoiding my boyfriend's gaze. I could not cry in front of him.
"Baby." He said.
I glanced at him.
"Get in the car."
I hesitantly accepted his offer and walked around to the passenger's side, getting in. I noticed the car smelled strongly of skunky weed, but I didn't say anything.
He immediately pulled me into a hug, and I closed my eyes, relishing in the smell of his cologne and feeling his arms around me.
When we pulled away, I smiled at him gratefully.
"Thank you." I whispered.
"Anytime."
I leaned my head back against the headrest, running a hand through my hair.
"She just stresses me out so much! I don't know what the hell she's gonna manage to do while she's here! She just comes and leaves without warning, and she does crazy things. Who knows what she'll do this time? Take all of our money, trash the house, get Carl drunk.." I trailed off, sighing deeply.
"Jess. Look at me." said Zack.
I did.
"You can't worry about her. Don't worry about her or what she might do. She left you when you were a baby, she doesn't deserve any of your time. Don't waste a single breath on that woman. She isn't worth it. Don't let her stress you out. Just ignore her, and pretend like she isn't there." He said.
I nodded.
"I'll try."
He smiled.
"Thank you, baby." He said, leaning in to kiss me.
It was gentle and quick, and when we pulled away, I kissed him on the cheek.
"You're welcome." I said.
He grinned.
"Now let me drive you to school."
*
Later that evening, Frank and Monica were out, probably at the Alibi Room getting drunk off their asses. Fiona saw them having sex on the kitchen table earlier today when I was at school. They're fucking crazy.
Zack is staying over for dinner, and I'm really happy he's here. If Monica comes home, I am glad I have him by my side.
Zack was showing me, Debs, and Carl a funny video on his phone when Fiona came down the stairs in a huff.
"What's wrong, Fi?" I asked her.
"That was a call from your school. Lip got himself expelled." She said.
My eyes widened.
"What? But you were taking the GED for him!" I said.
"I fucking know. Do you know where he is?" Fiona asked.
"He told me he was going to Karen's, but he would be back for dinner." I answered.
Fiona nodded.
"Good. I'm done with his shit." She said, starting for the fridge.
The back door opened now and Steve and Estefania came through, each hefting bags of groceries.
"Do you have a pairing knife?" was the first thing he said.
"You're not cooking dinner." said Fiona.
"Oh, come on!" Debs said.
"Let him!" Carl pleaded.
I rolled my eyes and looked at Zack.
"Let's go up to my room." I said.
We both got up and started through the living room.
Just then, the front door opened and Lip came through, immediately starting for the stairs.
"Hey." I said quickly.
He glanced at me.
"Hey."
"Lip!" Fiona called.
"Shit." He muttered.
She came storming through the living room, glaring at him.
"Really, Lip? Expelled?"
"You win." He answered shortly.
"I win. That's all you have to say?"
"I lose?" Lip tried. I would've laughed at his sarcasm if the situation wasn't so serious.
"Well, you're lucky for a loser. Mr. Healy got you into another school." said Fiona. Debs came up behind me now, and I moved closer to her.
"I'm not going." Lip said.
"You are."
"No, I'm not." Lip said, louder this time.
"Guys, guys! Let's just calm down!" Jimmy said now, walking into the living room.
Fiona whipped around, pointing a finger at him.
"Hey, Jimmy? Butt the fuck out!" She said.
She turned back around to Lip.
"You are finishing high school!" She said.
"I've done a year more than you!"
"This isn't about me!"
"So what, you want me to bust my ass? Get a diploma and a high paying job so I can buy you all houses and shit while you lay around doing fuck all?" Lip shouted, coming down the stairs and closer to Fiona.
Ian walked downstairs now, stopping when he saw us standing there. I gave him a look, then quickly glanced away.
"Why is this on me? Huh? Because I've done alright on some tests? No. I'll pull my weight, but I'm not gonna be the fucking golden goose!" shouted Lip.
"School or out!" Fiona yelled now, pointing to the door.
"Fiona." I gasped quietly. She can't kick Lip out.
"What?" Lip asked.
"My job is to keep this house going. Busting my ass, for you. Working eight jobs, making meals, keeping everything straight. Your job is school! School, or leave!" She shouted.
Everyone was silent, and we watched as Fiona and Lip glared at each other. Then, Lip snorted and pushed past Ian, stomping upstairs.
I glanced at Fiona. She clenched her jaw and walked back into the kitchen, setting the table for dinner.
Ian came down the rest of the stairs and guided Debs and Carl back into the kitchen, and Zack slipped a hand through mine.
"I can't believe he would get himself expelled because of Karen and his baby. He must really be hung up on her." I whispered.
"Isn't she married to Jody now?" Zack asked.
I nodded.
Suddenly, Lip came back down the stairs, a duffel bag slung over his shoulder.
"What are you doing?" I asked, my breath catching in my throat.
"Well, I'm not going back to school, so...I guess that means I'm leaving." Lip said, heading for the door.
I glanced at Fiona, who was staring at him.
"Lip!" I called after him, letting go of Zack's hand to run after my brother.
I followed him outside.
I ran all the way to the front gate and watched as he swung it open and walked down the street.
"Lip, come back!" I called. "We need you."
I paused for a second.
I need you."
He didn't answer me, he just kept walking away.
And I watched him go.
*
After an uncomfortable dinner which ended up being cooked by Jimmy and Estefania, I said goodbye to Zack and got ready for bed, since it was a school night.
When I was finished brushing my teeth and washing my face, Debbie was already fast asleep in her bed, and so was Liam in his crib.
I got into my bed and hunkered down under the covers, closing my eyes and trying to forget everything that happened today.
I wasn't even in bed for 10 minutes when I heard laughing and shouting coming from downstairs.
"Everybody, come in! Take your coats off, stay awhile!" I heard Monica say.
I groaned and put my pillow over my head, trying to drown out the noise.
It didn't help.
I threw my pillow down and turned on the lamp on my tiny nightstand next to me.
Debs stirred now, opening her eyes and looking at me.
"Jess? Who's downstairs?" She croaked.
I walked over to her bed and smiled at her.
"It's just Frank and Monica. Don't worry, I'll tell them to keep it down. Go back to sleep, lovebug." I said, touching my hand to her cheek once.
I walked out of our room and went downstairs, to see that Monica and Frank brought home half of the Alibi Room's customers with them. Frank went to the radio that Grammy bought for Lip before she died and turned it up to full blast.
Monica saw me now and came rushing over.
"Jessie! Oh, my baby!" She said happily, taking my hand.
I snatched it away from her and walked over to the radio, turning it off.
"Can you take this somewhere else? It's a school night, everyone is sleeping." I said.
"Oh, come on! You know Carl can sleep though anything!" Frank protested, turning the radio back on.
Everyone started singing loudly to the song and dancing around the living room as I stood there with my arms crossed.
"Are you kidding me?" Fiona yelled, coming downstairs and looking around at everyone.
I shrugged, giving her the I tried to stop them look.
Ian came bounding down the stairs now in his plaid pajama pants, going straight to the radio and unplugging the cord.
"You know, some of us wanna graduate and actually do something with our lives, so why don't you all shut the fuck up and let me sleep?"
"Do not talk to your mother like that, you little fucker." Frank said, shoving Ian hard.
"Hey!" I said, ready to step in.
Ian shoved Frank back harder.
"Frank!" Monica said, slapping Frank across the face.
"What the-"
"Apologize to him!" Monica ordered.
"Huh?"
"Apologize!"
Frank looked from Monica to Ian.
"Sorry." He said, not really meaning it.
Ian rolled his eyes and went back upstairs without another word, I was right behind him.