Chapter Forty-Three
Ariya's P.O.V.
As I jog away from Justin, I pretend that I'm calm and humorous, but my insides are actually screaming. I'm so angry for betraying myself yet again. He has this way of getting information out of me without him even trying. I don't like that. He's starting to break down my walls and I don't want that to happen. I can't allow that to happen. I can't deal with everything that entails. I need to protect myself and everyone else. If those memories really break through, then I might actually kill someone. As much as I like to pretend I'm ok with that, I'm really not.
Don't get me wrong, if someone deserves it, then I'll do what I have to do. If it's a me or them situation, then I will kill them. But I don't want to kill someone just because I can't control myself. That would make me no better than my father, and I don't want to be like him.
The rest of the fence check is silent but I get the feeling Justin is super analyzing our earlier conversation. I'm doing exactly the same, although I'm sure it's for completely different reasons. I hate that he can get a reaction out of me so easily. I'm not just talking about anger, because that is so natural to me that I don't even consider it a reaction anymore. I'm talking about the way he makes me remember things and how he makes me let my guard down ever so slightly; the little chip he causes in my defense system. I use the silence to reinforce that tiny little dent so it's more difficult for him to chip at it the next time he tries. I need to steel myself even more because I'm finding out that maybe he isn't as terrible as I think he is.
Now, I'm not saying I like him, that he's friend material or that I forgive him for everything he's already done. But I am saying that maybe he isn't all that bad. Maybe he's tolerable and maybe he actually doesn't know how to deal with someone like me. Trust me, he wouldn't be the first person to admit that.
My subconscious is screaming at me, telling me to protect myself and not fall for his lies. Maybe this is all his plan; to play mind games with me. Maybe he wants me to believe I can read him and that he's telling the truth but in actual fact he's lying through his teeth and I'm falling for his tricks. Is it possible that I'm reading far too much into this? Have I totally gone off the deep end and I'm looking for a conspiracy where there isn't one? Am I that far gone that I'm suspicious of everything?
Truthfully? Yes, I am that suspicious. No one does anything for nothing. There's always an ulterior motive behind everything. Even if it's doing something because you want a person's friendship or whatever, that's still a motive behind what you do. I'm suspicious of everyone and everything. This situation is no different. In fact, I should be way more dubious because Justin has changed his tune all of a sudden. Maybe Palmer told him something to change his mind. Maybe Palmer needs to keep his mouth shut, huh? It might just be that I have to do that for him. And once again, I am back to being angry. It doesn't take much for that to happen to be honest.
Just between you and me, it gets tiring being in a state of adrenaline overload all of the time. I'm constantly waiting and looking for the next thing to fight over or deal with. I'm wired that way and I can't stop the way my brain and body work. For one moment, I'd like to be able to switch it off and relax. I'd like to be able to get a few hours of quality sleep, but that is wishful thinking. I know that's not going to happen.
That thought leads me back to that night on the cattle drive, when I woke up with Justin's arms around me. I actually slept that night. Maybe it was a coincidence. It could just have been because I was outdoors again and I was exhausted from the cattle drive and dealing with that calf's cut. That's what I'm going with. I'll keep telling myself that because the alternative is not an option I'm willing to explore.
I'm snapped out of my thoughts when Justin clears his throat. I turn my head to face him and he smirks atme.
"You hear anything I just said?"
"Nope."
Normally I would throw a sarcastic remark at him and he knows this if his confused expression is anything to go by.
"What? No smart remark?"
I shrug, "I knew you'd be expecting it. I like to change it up. I'm nothing if not unpredictable..."
"Yeah, sure. If you say so. We're heading this way."
I flick the reins onto Splash's neck and he moves in the new direction. I'm aware of Justin watching me but I don't comment on it. I wait for him to say something, because he is predictable and I know what he's going to do. What I'm not expecting, are the words he speaks.
"You're actually a pretty good rider, you know that?"
"Er....Ok...?"
Because that's not random at all.
"I've been watching the way you ride and I'm impressed with the progress you've made."
"I wasn't far wrong when I said you were a creeper."
"It's purely from a teacher's point of view, I assure you."
Do I see a tinge of pink on the tips of his ears? It's gone so quickly that I could have imagined it. Instead of ignoring it, I yank his chain about it.
"Of course it was. You need to get that obsession under control, dude. It can't be healthy for you. Heck, I'm not healthy for anyone..."
I chuckle at his expression and jog away again, leaving him stunned, trailing behind me.
For a big, tough guy he's very easy to rag on. Maybe he lets me get to him because it's all part of the game. You know what? I don't even care. I like annoying him. I like annoying people in general and I especially like making people angry. That is like one of my favorite things to do. I'll keep pushing until I get a reaction out of him.
By the time we get back to the barn, it's almost time to feed the horses and put them to bed. Once that is done, we make the horses' breakfasts and leave them stacked in the feed room. There are a few jobs left to do, so Justin asks everyone to pitch in. As soon as I see Palmer, I turn on my heel and walk out of the barn. I'm not staying in there with him.
Justin calls my name, but I don't even pause my steps as I shout over my shoulder, "I'll shovel the muck. I'm not staying here with him."
I don't leave fast enough to miss the Turd say, "Another person she hates. No surprises there. The list just keeps getting longer."
Justin warns him to keep his smart remarks to himself, but that's all I hear before I'm out of earshot.
I'm quietly seething as I shovel the muck up to the top of the pile. I hate this freakin' place. I hate that I'm not allowed to go home. I just hate everyone and everything at the moment; including myself. I hate the fact that whatever way I try to get rid of this ball of burning rage within me, Justin will use that as an excuse to keep me here longer.
I know someone is heading towards me before they reach me. I spin around to see who it is before they are behind me. I groan internally when I see Palmer heading in my direction.
I start to walk away when he calls my name. The anger inside me is simmering so much that I actually stop at his voice.
"What is going on, Ariya? Why do you hate me being here so much?"
I smirk, "You carried on that sentence too long. You should have stopped at, 'why do I hate you'."
"Ok. Not quite the response I was expecting, but it's better than you walking away or launching yourself at me. What's the deal? I thought you'd be a bit more accepting of a familiar face. Do you like it that much here that you don't want me to ruin that?"
I scoff at that, "I hate it here and I hate pig scum. I don't know why you're so surprised by this. I've always made it a well know fact. You're a filthy pig and I don't want to be anywhere near you. It's that simple really."
"I find that hard to believe. Nothing is just that simple with you. I thought we had an understanding. You haven't acted like this towards me in a very long time..."
"See, there's your problem. You think too much and it's all assumptions. I've never liked you. The fact that I haven't hit you in a long time doesn't mean I want to be your friend. It just means that your other pig friends do much more stupid things to get themselves hit first... By the way, how's your sister? She recovered from her anger and embarrassment?"
I let out a slight chuckle at my last question. I see the start of anger form on his face before he tries to trample it down.
I go one step further and make reference to my last encounter with him and his sister in the interview room.
"She still smoking something and sending people off for government experiments?"
I see the moment my words hit him and he grinds out, "Don't talk about my sister like that. She's a good person..."
He's angry and that is exactly the reaction I was trying to get out of him. I smirk because he's just played right into my hands. I don't get a chance to incite him anymore, because Justin appears at Palmer's side.
He questions, "Are you upsetting my residents?"
"Miss Flynn was just showing me the progress she has made..."
I calmly but icily say, "Call me that again and I'll rip your face off..."
Surprisingly, Justin doesn't scold me for saying that. Instead, he looks straight at Palmer and says, "That would be your cue to leave, Joe. Louise is cooking dinner. We'll be in soon."
Palmer pauses before taking the hint and walking away. Justin stares at me without saying a single thing. I stare back, not wanting to show any weakness. I'm not scared of him. And I'm definitely not scared of what he will do to me. If my suspicions are correct and he has a thing for me, then he won't kill me. Sometimes, even the most well trained people can't hide the most basic and primal of feelings.
I smirk when I hear him sigh. Evidently, I'm better then him at the silent treatment.
He speaks first, "Go get washed up. I want to take you somewhere."
I keep my face completely serious and ask, "A back field somewhere so you can finally kill me and get rid of the evidence? Please tell me I don't have to dig my own grave..."
He exclaims, "What?! No! Why would you say something like that? Why would you even think something like that?"
"Er, for that reaction?"
I say it like he really is completely stupid.
"No, I'm not going to kill you. I'm not even going to hurt you. I just want to show you something, that's all. Go get cleaned up and meet me out here in 20 minutes. I've got to give Mike instructions before we go."
As I start to walk away, he questions, "Aren't you even going to ask where we're going?"
"I don't care. As long as I'm away from the turd and the pig scum, then I don't care. If you're going to kill me then I escape all of this. If you're going to fight me then I get to fight. If you're going to leave me somewhere, then I'll either escape or die trying. None of the above sound too terrible, so I don't really care."
I think my words shock him, because he says nothing, just shakes his head at me.
I walk past everyone without even acknowledging them and head to my room. I grab a quick shower and change into jeans and a shirt. I leave it unbuttoned so my undershirt is showing. I'm just putting on my boots when I hear the screen door slam. I make my way outside. Everyone is eating dinner when I walk through the dining area.
Todd opens his mouth and I know a dirty comment is about to escape, so I speak before he can.
"Think before you say anything, turd. Justin isn't in here and I'll tear your head off before Mike and that pig can even get to me."
My threat works because he shuts his mouth again without uttering a single word.
I leave the house and find Justin leaning on the side of his truck with his eyes shut. I try to sneak up to the truck without him hearing me. I'm about ten feet away, when he speaks, without even opening his eyes.
"You do realize I'm trained in covert ops, right? I heard you before you even left the house. I also heard what you said to Todd."
Seriously?! Is this guy for real? And I thought I had good hearing?
He smirks, "Are you ready to go?"
"Yep."
The journey is mostly silent, but then, uncharacteristically, I break it.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"Taking me somewhere?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Er, because you usually want to punish me?"
"You've been trying hard the last few weeks. I thought I would reward that. Hearing it's your birthday just made me want to do it even more."
I grind my teeth at the mention of my birthday. I don't know why he thinks having a birthday is such a big deal. It's never mattered to me or anyone else any other year, so why should this year be any different?
Silence falls on the truck again and after maybe thirty minutes or so, we turn off the paved road and head down a bumpy road. I watch Justin from the corner of my eye. I see that his body language has changed. His hands are holding the wheel slightly tighter, but not so much that he looks nervous or worried. His eyes are watching ahead of him more closely, but he quickly flickers his gaze towards me for a second.
He's going to ask me something; I can just sense it.
Before the thought leaves my mind, he almost erupts, "I just don't understand..."
The statement is so random that I burst out laughing and chuckle my way through a response, "If you've got us lost then I really don't understand either. I'll seriously question your so called skills if we're lost..."
"No, we're not lost. That's not what I was referring to. Can't you be serious just for a minute?"
"I did that once; it was boring."
His tone sends me a warning as he speaks my name.
"Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about. If you're not referring to us being lost, then I'm coming up empty."
"You think I didn't see or hear you grind your teeth when I mentioned your birthday? I don't understand how someone can hate their birthday so much. It's supposed to be a good day; a day to celebrate..."
"Celebrate what, huh? And who with? Myself? I mean, I know I don't want friends, but celebrating by myself seems crazy, even by my standards."
"Don't you want to celebrate that you have a life and you still have a chance at making it better for yourself...? Didn't you celebrate with any foster families or anything?"
I chuckle, but it holds no humor. I try to cover my rage and discomfort on this topic by saying, "You're a joker."
"Why am I a joker? There's nothing funny about what I just said..."
My anger takes over and I can't stop myself from blurting out, "You know what?! Not everyone has had a perfect life like you! Not everyone likes their birthday! Not everyone cares that they're still alive!"
My breathing is heavy and my body is red hot because of the fire that is burning within me. As soon as the words have left my mouth, I regret speaking them.
I shout, "Stop the truck!"
Justin slams on the brakes, like I've just seen an animal cross his path. While he's assessing our surroundings, I jump out of the vehicle and storm away.
Before I get too far away from him, I hear his door open. The truck is still running and he doesn't waste any time to switch it off. He has longer legs than me, so he catches up to me in no time.
His hand lands on my shoulder, which causes me to spin around and take a swing at him. He must be expecting it because he dodges my blow easily. The rage that has been festering all day has finally come to the surface and I feel like I'm going to burst because I just want to release the fire and tension that's inside of me.
Justin taunts me, "If you're going to take a swing at me, at least make it count. You want to fight me then go ahead. Just make sure you do it properly..."
His words remind me of my father and a few other demons from my past and I completely see red. I don't actually know what happens between that moment and the next, when I'm coming out of the other side of the red haze. I know that I am breathless and my hands are stinging, which means I've at least landed a few hits on my target.
It's a strange feeling, having the red mist descend on you. My body naturally protects itself and I don't ever think about what is happening in my surroundings. It's like my survival instincts kick in and I will fight to the death to protect myself. However, I have no recollection of those moments. Time completely escapes me. It could be a few seconds or a few hours and the only way I'll know is either by someone telling me or having some other way of judging the time.
Justin's voice snaps me back into reality, "Are you done?"
I grunt in response, not really giving him an answer. The haze might have lifted, but I'm still not particularly happy about this situation.
"Ok, let me be more specific. Have you come out the other side of the haze?"
I give a small nod and take a few steps away from him.
He lets out a huge sigh and the night is silent for a few minutes. All I can hear are the bugs and the sound of Justin's truck running. I'm wracking my brain; trying to figure out what exactly just happened. I don't even know if Justin fought back or just took my hits. He's fully capable of dodging my hits and defending himself without actually hitting me back.
I can feel Justin's eyes on me when he asks, "What is going on, Ariya?"
"You can rack right off..."
He sighs again, "I want to help you, Ariya. I really do. You're not helping yourself though. This was not how I planned this evening would go. I didn't mean to make you angry. I am sorry for that, truly. I'm just trying to understand."
"Yeah, well I don't want you to understand. You don't need to understand. You don't need to be my friend. I don't need friends. I just want to finish my time here and get home."
Instantly, I mentally scold myself. So much for pretending to be his friend. I'm not doing a very good job of playing this game, am I? He makes me so angry!
"You've just shown me you're not ready to go home, Ariya. If you can allow the rage to take over like that and almost do some damage to a trained Marine, then who knows what you will do to someone who doesn't know how to defend themselves or fight back. I can't trust that you won't hurt someone or reoffend and that's why I can't allow you to go home. I'm not keeping you here because it's easy for me or because I want to punish you. Yes, you're here as a form of punishment, but I'm keeping you here because I can't trust you to behave when you leave. If I could be almost certain you wouldn't reoffend, then I would let you go back to New York. I'm sorry if that makes you angry or upset, but that's the honest truth."
I stare at him blankly. Although my features are impassive, I have enough presence of mind to study him carefully. I want to be sure he's telling me the truth. I don't trust that he isn't trying to play me. I know I'm trying to play him, but I will protect myself by not allowing him to do the same to me.
I can't see any hint of untruthfulness in his expression or his eyes, but I'm still guarded. I'm not going to believe him just like that. I may not think he's lying, but I won't simply accept what he is saying. As he said earlier, knowing he's telling the truth and believing him are two different things entirely.
We're silent again for quite a long time. I'm still coming out of my rage and while the feeling and emotion have dimmed drastically, the effects on my body haven't quite reached that level yet. Justin either has nothing to say or he knows what my insides are battling with. If he's telling me the truth and he knows what the red haze is like, then he'll know you can't stop the reactions inside your body so quickly. I'm sure there's some science type of reason for it, but I'm not a scientist and I'm not a doctor so I can't claim to have any knowledge on that.
Eventually Justin breaks the quiet, "Come on. Let's draw a line under everything that just happened and we'll start the evening again. I'd still like to show you something..."
I can't stop the smart remark from leaving my lips, "That's what he said..."
I can't help it; it's my coping mechanism. Obviously, my anger hasn't got a reaction out of him and it hasn't made him angry either, so my other way to deal with situations like this is inappropriate humor and sarcasm.
He chuckles, "It's nothing like that! You're something else, Ariya. I assure you, there is nothing untoward happening tonight."
"Untoward? Seriously? You from Civil War times?"
He teases, "What do you know about the Civil War? Were you there?"
I fake disgust, "You saying I look old?"
"Maybe a little..."
When I speak next, he looks slightly shocked. I think he expects me to be offended by his remark, but I'm not. I've heard way worse than that.
I smirk, "Speak for yourself, grandpa. You're older than me, so if I look old you must look ancient... Anyways, you're the one who said nothing untoward is happening, are you sure that's not what you're imagining..."
His expression is hilarious. He resembles something of a deer trapped in headlights for a second or two. He gets his expression under control quickly after that, but I caught his embarrassment which makes me laugh.
He covers up said embarrassment by saying, "I actually wasn't thinking anything like that. I was only trying to reassure you..."
"I don't need your reassurance. If you try anything, then I'll kill you..."
My statement is so matter of fact, but I wholeheartedly mean it. I won't let anyone hurt me.
"Dang, you sound like you mean that."
"Oh, I do. I don't lie and I don't say things I don't mean."
I'm almost sure I hear him curse under his breath and I hold back a chuckle. He's either shocked that I'd admit such a thing or he's annoyed because I've squashed any chance he thought he had. Either way, it amuses me.
The rest of the drive is made in silence. I'm lost in my own thoughts. Mostly thoughts of self-deprecation. I shouldn't be here, in this truck. I shouldn't be allowing Justin to take me somewhere; not after the things that he's done to me. Not after the anger he's made me feel. I should be protecting myself, but instead I am sitting in a truck with someone I don't know or trust, going to someplace I have no idea where or how to get away from if things should go bad. This place has seriously messed up my survival instincts.
I should still be angry at him for bringing up my birthday or making me remember things, but the angeris only sitting at my normal level. Fighting him certainly helped to bring that level down to my normal, but I should be more angry than this.
Just as I'm scolding myself further, Justin pulls the truck to a stop. He sits in the driver's seat in silence for a few seconds, before he comments, "We're here..."
I take in the scenery and notice we are actually in a field. At the top of a hill/mountain to be precise.
I can't help my mouth running away with itself as I remark, "So you are planning to kill me... I have to admit, this is the perfect place for it. If you just ice me and roll me down that hill, no one will ever find me...."
"What?! Seriously?! Why are you so obsessed with dying?"
"Hey, everyone has to go some time, right? Although I would like to know before it happens, to be honest."
"You're not dying just yet and I'm not going to kill you. I thought you might like the scenery and to be outdoors for a little while. The stars up here are amazing and the sunrise looks fantastic from this spot."
Maybe he's trying to be nice; maybe he's trying to play me. I don't care which, really. People don't do nice things for no reason, so I comment, "The stars are the same wherever you go. They don't change. Just because you can't see them, doesn't mean they're any different..."
He lets out a deep sigh, "I'm trying to be nice, Ariya. The stars look nice from up here because you can see them more clearly and you have no obstructions. You know what I meant. Can't you just accept that I'm doing something nice for you?"
Instead of keeping my mouth shut, my honesty slips out yet again, "Psh, nope. No one does nice things for no reason, so you must want something. What is it? What do you want?"
"Nothing. I don't want anything except for you to relax and have a nice time. I brought food and we can sit in the bed of my truck. I don't trust you enough to leave you on your own. Besides, you need some company. You've been doing well so we need to continue with the socializing."
I scoff at that. That's what he thinks. I'd be quite happy to stay on my own for the rest of my life. Obviously, allowing for a few hundred fights, of course.
My stomach betrays me and it growls loudly. I haven't eaten since last night because the Turd messed up breakfast this morning and Palmer messed up lunch. Geez, that feels more like last week; not this morning.
"At least eat. Even if you're not going to enjoy my company, you can eat and enjoy the scenery. I know you appreciate the outdoors."
Because I'm hungry, I sit on the edge of the truck bed and wait to see what food he has brought with him. I might not like him or his company, but I can still eat his food. I made the mistake of refusing to eat last time and I won't do that again.
We eat in silence and I gaze at the stars. He is right about one thing, they do look awesome from this hill. It's nice and peaceful, as long as he doesn't ruin it by speaking.
We're silent for quite some time and we're pretty much finished eating when Justin breaks it.
"I'm sorry you hate Palmer being here so much..."
I nonchalantly say, "You don't have to let him stay. You could send him home tonight if you wanted to."
"I could, but I don't trust his motives. I don't understand why he'd make the journey all the way here to show you a familiar face. That seems a bit suspicious to me."
He's not the only one who finds it suspicious. It's true that I don't trust people and I trust cops even less. So maybe my judgement is slightly clouded in this issue. Still, if Justin is wary, then that validates my concerns.
Justin breaks my thought process by asking, "Do you know why he would do that?"
"Not a clue. He thinks we were friends, but I'd never be friends with that louse. I don't know what he was smoking to come up with that idea."
He smirks, "I can't imagine you'd encourage that thought. You don't seem to like him very much..."
I scoff, "That's an understatement."
"I was being generous... Anyway, let's not talk about him."
That's perfectly fine by me. Instead of making conversation, I sit, completely silent, looking up at the sky. I like the night sky much more than the day. I like the peace and calm a clear night sky shows. It portrays the calm I'd like to have in my own life, but I'd never admit that to anyone.
Justin quietly speaks, "I got you something..."
I snap my gaze away from the sky and stare at him cautiously. He has a big cupcake in his hand and he's quick to throw an explanation at me.
"I know you don't like your birthday and it seems like you haven't had good ones in the past, but I'd like this one to be different. Let's scratch the fact that you're here as a punishment and you hate Todd and Palmer..."
I don't let him finish as I burst out laughing. Through my chuckles, I say, "Seriously? You can't really forget about the Turd or the pig."
He ignores my comment and continues, "Let's pretend none of that has happened and I'm just giving you a cupcake as a present. No hidden meaning; no trying to upset you or make you angry. Just a simple gesture."
He might be trying to be nice, but I'm suspicious of people being nice and my mouth runs away with itself again, "You really think a cupcake is going to make up for the last twenty-something years of my life? Wow, that has to be one super amazing recipe..."
He sighs, "Why do you have to do that? Why can't you just accept my gesture? Even if you don't believe what I'm saying or doing, can't you just keep your mouth shut and pretend to accept it?"
Honesty is my policy, so I truthfully answer his question, "No."
He looks shocked by the fact that I'd actually answer him and he studies me for a few seconds.
"Why not?"
I shrug, trying to come across as blasé about the whole thing, "Because that would be lying. And because I don't know you or trust you. I don't trust anyone."
"Even if you don't trust someone, you can keep the comments to yourself. You don't have to give a smart remark for everything. And it's not lying to keep your thoughts to yourself. Can't you just accept the cupcake? I'm not even expecting a thank you; although that would be nice..."
Fat chance of that happening. I don't even want the freakin' thing. I don't want any acknowledgement of what day it is, so why should I be thankful for his constant reminder?
He stretches his arm toward me with the cupcake in his hand. It almost looks like he's waiting for me to explode or hit him. Instead, I cautiously take the cupcake and eye it suspiciously.
I don't know if I want to annoy him or if I'm looking for an excuse to not accept his gesture, but I ask, "Is it drugged? Did you put something in it?"
He jumps up with an explosive response. I'm not expecting it and it makes me startle a little. I try to cover up my reaction, but I'm sure Justin notices it because he backs away from me and tones it down slightly. I hate that unexpected explosions like that can make me jump. I can't help but expect something bad is going to happen.
"Why would you ask me something like that? Do you really think I'd do that? Haven't I shown you anything of my character?"
"I expect the unexpected at all times."
He throws himself back down in the truck bed and pauses before commenting again.
His voice has calmed down drastically when he speaks, "It must be really tiring... Being you; being the way you are. Don't you ever get tired of always having your walls up and expecting to fight at any given moment? Don't you want an end to it? Don't you want to rest and just leave it all for a little while?"
I completely ignore his questions and simply say, "I'd just like to go home."
I don't want him to know how close to the truth he actually is. I don't want him to continue this line of questioning. It's all getting a bit too real for me. I don't do serious conversations and I don't do letting my walls down. I don't want or need anyone in my life. I'm quite fine with the way things are; well, my current situation aside of course.
"I understand that you want to go home, but that's not an option right now. You need to figure out how you're going to deal with the situation in front of you. You need to figure out how you're going to work with me and how you're going to make this work. Without fighting your way out. You need to be able to control your temper and prove to me that you can function in the real world without hurting anyone or getting arrested again. How do you think you can do that if you don't at least open up a little bit?"
"Are you serious? You're still going to say that after I told you about my father?"
"I appreciate you telling me about that, but I'm not foolish enough to think that's all there is to it. I know you're bottling up much, much more than that. I'm not expecting you to give me your whole background if you don't want to, but you do need to loosen up and open up a little. You're wound so tightly all of the time and it's not good for you. It's certainly not good for everyone around you. You can't be happy or relaxed because you're always on edge."
Happy. That's a term I've never applied to my life. I've never been happy. No, that's not strictly true. I was happy once, a very long time ago. Before things got messed up. Before he started treating my mom and me like bacteria. It was so long ago that I don't even know how to recognize the feeling any more. How pathetic is that? I can't do this. I can't think about this any more. I can't think about him any more.
I'm torn between completely ignoring him or telling him to leave the subject alone. As I'm tossing up what reaction I should go for, Justin continues talking.
"I know talking and sharing doesn't come naturally to you. I don't have a problem with that. I only want you to try. To try to figure out how to control your anger. I want you to go home happier and more in control than when you arrived..."
I can't stop myself from commenting on that, "I was fully in control when I first arrived here..."
"You were in control in your own environment. Once you were taken out of that, you started to devolve.... Are you going to eat that cupcake or just stare at it?"
"I'm still trying to figure out if it's safe..."
"Trust me, if I wanted to do anything to you, I wouldn't need drugs to do it. I'm a specially trained Marine; I don't need to subdue you with drugs or anything."
I raise an eyebrow at him. That sounds like a challenge if ever I heard one. I need to get the better of him at least once to show him he's not that great and to prove that he's messing with the wrong person. I'm going to make him wish he'd been a bit more cautious around me.
He chuckles, "I know that twinkle in your eye. You're challenging me. You might be able to guard your features, but the look in your eye gives you away. Maybe I accept your challenge."
Oh, he's going to regret that.
I place a piece of cake in my mouth and it almost melts as soon as it hits my tongue. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing this, so I keep myself guarded. I eat the cupcake very slowly, trying to savor the taste. I haven't had one of these in a very long time so I'm going to secretly enjoy it. I don't want Justin to know I like it because I'm proud and stubborn. I know this about myself, but I consider admitting something like that a weakness. I won't allow myself to be weak or even appear weak so I will keep my thoughts and feelings hidden. It's a protection method.
I lean back on the truck and watch the stars as I eat very slowly. I'm lost in my thoughts when I suddenly break the silence. I know it's out of character for me, but I've been wondering about it since this morning.
"Did you think you were going to protect me?"
"Huh? Say what?"
Justin looks utterly confused and I almost laugh at the sight. He's normally pretty composed so seeing him completely baffled is quite amusing.
"This morning. With the pig. You stood in front of me."
He looks slightly caught and a little amused when he answers, "Of course I would have protected you. I didn't know who he was and I didn't want anything to happen to you."
I don't respond to that. To be honest, I don't actually know how to react to that. I've never had anyone step up to protect me. I've always had to do that myself, well, that was after I was treated as a doormat for a long time.
"I know you don't want anyone to defend you or protect you, but that's natural to me."
"I didn't say anything, did I?"
"You didn't need to. Your face said it all. I know you've had to take care of yourself, but maybe it's time to start letting someone help you with that. You don't need to protect yourself here. I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."
I scoff at that. Is this guy for real? I thought he was supposed to be a tough Marine. Instead he's like a mushy, emotional train wreck. I'm starting to wonder if I have more testosterone than him in my body. Although, judging by his physique, he's definitely not lacking the testosterone for muscle building. I briefly close my eyes, trying to focus my attention on the original thought.
When I remember where the conversation was, I curtly say, "I don't need your promises. I've taken care of myself all this time, so I think I've got this covered."
He lets out a heavy sigh. Trust me, he's not the only one who is annoyed at the situation. Although, I'm pretty sure we're annoyed for different reasons. It's not long before he's talking again. This guy has serious issues with keeping his mouth shut.
"I don't get you..."
"Seriously? Did you talk this much in the Army? You'd give away your location with all the chatting you do..."
He shoots me a stern look, which just makes me chuckle.
"Is that look supposed to scare me? I've dealt with people way worse than you, trust me."
I pause, not liking the fact that I've revealed something yet again. He might just think I mean people I've fought before. I assume I'm correct, because he doesn't comment on it at all. In fact, he goes back to his previous topic.
"I don't get how you can be so hot and cold. One second you're pretty much biting my head off and the next you're almost being playful. I don't understand it. Don't get me wrong, I like it when you're playful and we have banter. I just don't understand how you can change so quickly."
I don't miss a beat, "It's a special skill I have. I've learned to adapt it over the years."
"All joking aside, why do you change so drastically? What does that achieve?"
"I don't have the time or the crayons to explain it to you..."
He chuckles at my reply but then turns serious, "Well, we're not going anywhere in a hurry, so we've got time to kill. You must have some reason for it."
I shrug.
"That's not really an answer. I don't believe you're the kind of person who does things for no reason, so you can't just shrug your way out of it."
I fall silent. There's two reasons for this really. One, I'm thinking about the answer to his question: two, I'm making sure I don't give anything away. I've been the way I am for so long that it's become second nature to me. I don't see anything wrong with the way I behave, so I don't really know the answer to his question.
He takes my silence as a reluctance to reply, so he reminds me, "We've got a lot of time on our hands so you may as well fill it with something. Not answering doesn't really help your cause. It'll just mean I'll keep guessing until you either answer or your expression gives something away..."
I raise an eyebrow at him. I think I'm pretty good at masking my emotions and expressions.
"You've got some tells. When you let that mask slip a little I can see them. You'll let it slip at some point and I'll be watching..."
"You really are a creeper..."
"You want to know what I think?"
"I'm sure you'll tell me, even if I say no."
"So glad you want to hear... I think you don't know how to be any other way. I think you want people to see you at your worst; that they'll either leave you alone because you're too intimidating or you're not worth the hassle of unpredictability."
I ensure my expression is completely blank. I don't want to give him anything to work with; even if he is remotely close to being right.
"Or maybe it's a protection mechanism. You don't want people to know you or what you are like so you pretend you're tough and a horrible person..."
Now that, I chuckle at. There's definitely no pretending on that account. I am tough and horrible.
"You might want to ask the cops, and the people I've beaten up if I was pretending. You've read my rap sheet, right?"
"Yes, I have. But I don't believe you're like that deep down. I do believe there is some good still in you. I mean, you do have a limit to your violence, don't you? There's plenty of times you could have killed one of us, but you haven't. Why is that? I think it's because you've got good in you somewhere..."
He really has no idea what I'm truly like. His words take me back to the day I started running and I haven't really stopped since. The day of my fourteenth birthday was a major turning point in my life. I buried those memories a long time ago, but more and more they've been surfacing. I can still see myself completely losing my mind with rage and fear; almost like an out of body experience. I can still see the damage I did and even though it was out of necessity, it was a mess.
Justin's voice is soft when it snaps me out of my thoughts. I glance at him and I can see concern in his eyes. There's no mistaking that look. He's not even making an attempt to hide it. I'm confused at his expression and the situation.
"Hey, are you ok? I didn't mean to upset you..."
That's when I notice a wetness on my cheek. I lift my hand to my face. A tear? Is that for real? I don't do crying. I'm not a pansy. Crying is for weak people. Crying is a major weakness. It means you feel things and I can't afford to feel anything except anger. I can't allow any other feelings to escape or everything will be a complete mess.
I didn't even cry when I was telling Justin about killing my father, so why would I cry over this? It makes no sense. I take a deep but shaky breath so I can clear my mind and put all of those thoughts back in the box.
"What's wrong, Ariya? And don't tell me it's nothing. It has to be pretty serious to get that kind of reaction out of you. Is it because you don't think there's any good left in you? Because you killed your father?"
Instead of blowing up at him for bringing my father into this, I snap, "You don't know me. You have no idea what I'm really like. You can't presume to know or think there's any good in me because you have no idea who I really am."
"But I'm trying to learn. I'm making an effort here. I want to get to know you, but you've got to meet me somewhere. Maybe not in the middle, but you have to help me out somehow. How can I really know what you're like if you don't let me? Are you scared that I'm not going to like the person you are or think you are?"
I quickly snap, "I'm not scared of anything..."
He's quick to catch me out, "I thought you didn't lie..."
"I don't care if you like me or not. Actually, I'd prefer it if you didn't like me because then you'll leave me alone. I don't want or need friends. I just want to get out of this place..."
"You might not want friends, but you need someone to talk to. I know you think I'm being nosey and the bad guy here, but that's not why I'm doing this. It really is for your benefit. This self-loathing is not helping you and it's part of what makes you so volatile. What's wrong, Ariya?"
I jump out of the back of the truck and start pacing in the long grass. On a normal day, I would pause to appreciate the feel and the look of the grass. I like nature and the outdoors, but there is nothing normal about tonight. My head feels like it might explode, and it's not out of anger. My mind is spinning with memories and thoughts. I don't know how much more of this I can take. If Justin keeps pushing like this something is going to give. I don't know what will happen, but it's going to be something I'll regret I'm sure.
As I'm pacing back and forth, I press my hands to my head, trying to block out my thoughts. If I was thinking clearly, then I would know that wouldn't work. However, I'm not thinking clearly. I'm stuck in little vault that's in my head and the drawers are beginning to open all over again. I thought I had pressed them shut tightly after the last wave of remembrance. Apparently not.
I mutter, "I can't do this. I can't do this. You need to stop, Justin. You have to stop this..."
After hearing my words, I realize how weak and pathetic I sound. My father's words come back to me, reminding me that I am feeble; wretched; unloved; a second rate human being. I've lived up to his expectations, or maybe down to his expectations. I'm everything he said I was going to be, despite my desperate attempts to be different. All those nights when I planned how I could change and be different to the words he was drilling into me and I've fulfilled everything he promised.
I can't even muster the brain space to become angry, because my head is full of everything else. All the years of memories I've stored away are making their way to the surface and it seems like I'm not going to be able to trample them down again.
"Please Justin, you have to stop. I can't do this..."