[edited]
week four
The car ride to the hospital was mostly grim, uncomfortable silence. And I didn't like it one bit.
Emmy was asleep next to me, snoozing soundly, and Mrs. Samuels was driving.
"Grayson, I really appreciate you coming today. It means a lot to Emmy. And to me, as well," she gives a sad look from the rear-view mirror.
"Of course," I simply said, "This is just a check-up, right?"
She sighs, "It's to see how the cancer cells are progressing in her body. We're not quite sure what we'll find."
I nodded.
Every week, Emmy would go to the hospital and have more and more tests run on her. This was my first time going with her.
When she had asked me to come on Monday afternoon, I hadn't been to sure. Of course I wanted to be there to help her, but I was scared.
Scared that she would break down in the hospital, and I would have to witness that. I didn't want to watch Emmy start crying again. I couldn't take it.
I shook my girlfriend gently awake as we pulled up to the medical center. She rubbed her eyes, yawning, "Seriously, we couldn't have gotten a time after 10:00 am?" she mutters.
I don't laugh, just help her out of the car. She shoots me a weird look. "You okay?"
"I should be asking you the same thing."
"I'm fine. Don't worry, the doctors here are really nice," she walks ahead.
I wasn't worried about the patient satisfaction rate of the hospital.
Emmy presses the third button on the elevator, the one marked, Oncology.
We walked up to the front desk as soon as the doors of the lift opened.
"Emerson Samuels," Mrs. Samuels said to the lady sitting down behind the large computer monitor, "Appointment with Dr. Jensen for 9:30."
"Ahh, yes. Sign these and wait right there," she points to the chairs in the corner of the lobby/waiting room area, "Dr. Jensen will be right out."
We sit down as we're told, and Mrs. Samuels begins filling out the documents she was given.
I see Emmy looking fine and relaxed as we waited. I, on the other hand, was bouncing my leg up and down frantically, and my hands were shaking.
Emmy grabbed my hand, and looked into my eyes, "It's alright, Gray. I'll be just fine."
You better be.
"Just nervous," I gave a little smile.
"Emmy?" a male voice called.
All three of us looked up, and saw a relatively young man standing right in front of us. He wore a doctor's coat over a pressed dress shirt and a tie, with black pants.
"Hey, Dr. Jensen," Emmy said, standing up.
"You know the drill. Report to the nurse's station and find Kayla. Change into the gown, and I'll be right there, just as soon as I talk out some things with you mom," he tells her.
"Ok, see you guys soon," she gave me a small peck on the lips and her mom a hug before walking deeper into the hospital, through the large doors.
"You must be Grayson," Dr. Jensen shakes me hand, "I've heard lots about you."
"Uh...yeah, that's me."
"Sit down, please," he gestures Mrs. Samuels and I to the chairs, and sits across from us himself.
"Just wanted to go over today's procedures with you. First, we'll be performing an MRI just to see how the tumors have moved since last week. We need to see if they're still moving as quickly as before or not.
"After that, they'll just be some more blood work. Nothing overly complicated, and it shouldn't take too long, either."
"Thank you, Dr."
"Also, just wanted to check on something: is Emerson still refusing treatment?" he asks.
Mrs. Samuels nods her head sadly, tears gleaming in her eyes, "Nicholas and I have been doing everything we can to convince her to at least try, but she's stubborn and won't even listen to us. It's a constant fight every day," she says painfully.
The doctor nods grimly, his head in his hands, "What about you, Grayson? Have you tried talking to your girlfriend about her possible options."
Normally, I would be on their side, but after hearing what Emmy had to say last week at the hospital gala, I wasn't so sure.
"She won't listen to me either. She says she won't spend her final weeks here, giving herself false hope of a treatment that most probably won't even work," I tell them.
"It's such a shame, especially for such a young girl," Dr. Jensen says, "But, unfortunately, this isn't the first time a patient of mine has done this."
"Anyway, I should get back to the MRI. It's scheduled for 10:00 sharp, and you know where the viewing chamber is, Mrs. Samuels. I'll see you soon," he walks into the door he came from, his shoes clacking all the way on the tile floor.
"There's a viewing chamber?"
"Yes, it's just above the MRI room. Would you like to go, Grayson?"
"Yes. Do we go now?"
"Yes. I'll show you where the place is, and then come back here," she stands up slowly, "I don't feel like watching today."
I nod.
We walk into the same doors that the doctor and Emmy went through, and are met with a bustling hospital ward. Frantic doctors and nurses, rush around, pushing stretchers and wheelchairs - some with patients and some without.
We enter a room labeled MAGNETIC RESONANCE IMAGING ROOM 1 - VIEWING. It was a simple room with nothing but a couple chairs inside. Three of walls were covered in clear glass, and as I approached them, I could see a room with a large futuristic-looking machine inside.
"This is it," Mrs. Samuels says, "I'll be in the waiting room if you need anything, sweetie."
"Uh, thanks," I said nervously.
She left, and I sat down in one of the chairs, studying the room carefully. The MRI machine was a huge circle, with a bed where the patient lied down. The bed seemed to retract into the machine.
I see Emmy enter the room with a nurse, dressed in a hospital gown.
I liked the other gown on her better. The one from last week.
She lied down flatly on the outstretched bed, hands beside her. She was perfectly still, staring at the ceiling. Almost as if she was...
dead?
I shook those thoughts away from my head.
The nurse left the room, and I could also see her just beyond the window of the MRI room, behind a computer screen.
As the lights went out almost completely, I heard the door behind me open. Turning around, I saw Dr. Jensen. He sat down in the chair next to me, "Hello, Grayson."
"A-aren't you supposed to be in there?" I asked hurriedly.
He laughed, "No, no. My team's got it under control. Don't you worry, son, I would never leave a patient like that."
"Ok, then."
"Is this your first time being at a hospital? Or watching a procedure like this, I mean?"
"Yeah. Though I don't feel like I've been missing out on anything too great," I tried joking lamely.
He took the bait and chuckled, "No, you certainly haven't. But that's s great girl you've got yourself there. Brave."
"Really? You don't she's stupid for practically sentencing herself to immediate death?"
He shook his head, "It's not the choice I would've made. But I don't think she's stupid by any definition. Maybe more like confused."
"If she's so confused, why don't you try to enlighten her a little? You know, help her make the correct choice."
"What are you talking about, son? She is making the right decision."
"What do you mean?"
"If she thinks it's the right decision, then it is."
"But maybe she doesn't know all the facts, the options. The statistics," I protested.
"You don't think I've tried the scare method? I've described to that girl in detail how her body will slowly cease to function. She hasn't even flinched," he spats.
"And Emmy hasn't told you why she wants to do this?" I sigh in defeat, "She's given me a reason, but I'm not sure if I quite believe it."
The doctor had a troubled expression on his face, "Now, she confessed this to me in total privacy, but I think you have a right to know."
"What?" I asked eagerly.
"There is a surgery - a removal, more specifically - that has a high chance of working," he begins.
My ears perk up, and I begin to get excited.
"We would remove the major tumors from her pancreas, lungs, kidney, and around her heart."
"Thank God, that's great, I-"
"Let me finish, Grayson," he interrupts me mid-celebration, "The surgery would most definitely leave Emerson paralyzed from the waist down. Her pancreas wouldn't be able to survive the operation anyway, so she'd have to get a transplant as well."
"But-"
"It's just too complicated, and Emmy told me that even if everything did go as well as humanly possible, she didn't want to live paralyzed."
"But, I mean, at least she'd still be alive," I argue, "Why wouldn't she want that."
"For many reasons, Grayson. One of them being that it's extremely painful."
"And the others?"
He laughs, "As if that one wasn't enough, your girlfriend told me that the biggest deal-breaker for her was that she didn't want to give you guys that burden. Her parents, her brothers, and you. She couldn't live with the constant reminder that she was an extra weight on all of you."
I stopped.
What?
Emmy had chosen to die, because of us?.
She cared so much about us - her family and friends - that she would rather end her life early then to allow us to take care of her?
My goodness, that girl.
"I truly am sorry, Grayson. Now, no one can know I told you this. I'm technically breaking doctor-patient confidentiality. I just felt maybe you needed to know some more about Emmy's reasoning behind this whole thing."
I simply nod, my head buried in my hands.
He pats my back, and I can hear him stand up, "I've gotta go now. The MRI scan is over. Meet us back in the waiting room so we can go over the results, alright?"
"Yeah, sure. I'll be there in a few minutes," I whisper quietly, my voice cracking.
I hear the doctor leave and as soon as the door closes behind him, I pound my fist on the glass window, causing vibrations to echo throughout the room. I cry out in sorrow.
Why do you do this, Emmy? Why can't you just let me take care of you?
Can't you see I love you enough to do that?
It hurt that I was possibly the indirect cause of my girlfriend's death. I was afraid to go back to the waiting room, because I was probably going to break down as soon as I see her pretty face.
I laugh at myself. And here I thought Emmy would be one to start crying. I was feeling more emotion than her, and it wasn't even my own death!
I wiped my tears away, and stood up. This is what she wanted. And all I wanted was to make her happy. So that's what I would do.
For the next three weeks, I would make her the happiest girl alive.
~ ~ ~ ~
SONG OF THE CHAPTER: Pacify Her
ARTIST: Melanie Martinez
ALBUM: Cry Baby