December 2014
Bucky lingered in the back doorway of his apartment as he watched Karina make a little snowman on the ledge of his balcony. "Do you need to stand so close to the ledge?"
Karina turned to look at him with her rosy cheeks and nose that was rivaling Rudolph's. She was wearing a black winter coat with a gray beanie - knit cap in his head - and a scarf that wasn't doing that great of a job shielding her from the cold. Her eyes flashed with amusement as she stepped away from the ledge abandoning her task, "Well now I don't want you to blow a fuse."
Bucky rolled his eyes, "I was coming to tell you that your hot chocolate was done."
Karina abandoned her task and trudged into his kitchen where the hot chocolate was waiting on the counter. He closed his door keeping the cold air out. It was a few days before Christmas and since Karina had picked up the holiday shifts, she insisted that they celebrate early. So his apartment was filled with secondhand decorations and various paper crafts that included a small Paper Mache tree.
He leaned against the counter as he watched her take a tentative sip of her beverage and he tried not to laugh as her face scrunched up from her burning her tongue. "Hot?"
He chuckled at the glare she sent his way before he stood next to her and grabbed his own mug that wasn't filled with hot chocolate.
"That's not coffee."
Bucky looked at Karina who had lowered her mug back onto the counter to let it cool. He extended the mug on the pretense to let her have a sip, but she only sniffed it before her green eyes looked back up to him. "You can't even get drunk."
He shrugged his shoulders, "Doesn't mean I don't mind the taste." He extended the cup to her offering her a sip. "Try some."
"What is it?"
"Whiskey," he told her as she accepted the mug, "the good kind," he added on.
"You mean the good kind you can afford." She joked as she sniffed the cup before taking a tentative sip.
One thing Bucky did not expect was for Karina to be a light weight. He was surprised how fast the alcohol hit her system. He thought since she worked at a bar and he saw her accept the occasional drink she would have had a better resistance. His calculations were totally wrong. The alcohol made her very chatty as she completely abandoned speaking in Romanian and English. She was now speaking heavily in Russian. He noticed that she seemed to barely speak Russian around him. He didn't necessarily mind it if she did. He tried not to think she had an ulterior motive for it, but he knew why she didn't. Yet he liked to think hearing Russian wouldn't cause him to go on a homicidal rage. Even if it was the language of his imprisoners, it was still a language. He only needed to be wary of a certain sequence of words. He was fairly certain that if she spoke to him in her native tongue those words would never consecutively fall from her lips. He felt a small pang in his chest knowing how much she looked out for him.
Nevertheless, he didn't mind hearing the language from her lips. It was nice to hear Russian that wasn't coming from angry, harsh, brutal lips. This Russian was friendly, happy, and to a point it was comforting as he was seeing a side of her that she kept away from him.
But he listened highly amused as she ranted about whatever popped into her head as she was stuffed quite snuggly in her winter gear courtesy of him. As the last thing she needed was a cold.
She went on to detail all the technical features of his arm and how she would have performed the procedure. He thought he would feel uncomfortable as he knew that her method and anyone else's humane method wouldn't have a person awake during the procedure. This topic would have brought unwanted ghost souring the jovial mood. Instead, he was incredibly impressed how smart she was. He already knew she was extremely intelligent, but to hear her talk so passionately about her work, he ignored the occasional slur of her Russian words, he felt proud for her. However it was tainted with a splash of guilt as she would never get the recognition for it. She would never probably get her degree and be able to help other people like she wanted too.
Than somehow the topic turned to his nice dark eyelashes which made him realize she stared at him as much he did to her. His eyelashes soon turned to his rich dark chocolate hair that although he pulled off the Jesus look he needed a haircut. In her words it was the right thing to do. The hair took away from his stormy cornflower eyes and his chiseled jawline. But then she vehemently opposed the idea of the haircut claiming he already had enough girls wanting to lift their skirts up at him being the dreamboat he was, which left him severely confused as to what she was even talking about as people barely glanced in his direction.
However after she took a break to seemingly catch her breath her lighthearted ramblings turned serious.
"My parents met on Christmas," she was speaking back in English, her Brooklyn accent heavy, he didn't realize how she much she covered it up.
Her eyes were glossy as she looked over the ledge and their view happened to be just other buildings that were covered in ice and snow.
Not once since they met in Romania has he ever heard her mention her parents. He knew about Anya, a woman that owned a Butcher shop, who took her in as one of her own. He never really questioned it. But he knew Anya was her mother figure. "My dad died before I was born, near Christmas actually. My mom never told me how he died just that he was a good man who was trying to fix his mistakes, whatever that meant. She only talked about him on Christmas. In fact, Christmas was the only time she talked about her past before she came to America after the fall of the Soviet Union with me in her belly. I look like my mother, I don't have any pictures as she refused to have any taken, but from what I remember of her I know I was the spitting image. I remember her telling me, you have my looks, but your father's brain. And what haunts me is how sad and afraid she was that it turned out that way. She hated my interest in science and stuff."
"What happened to her?"
"She died in a car crash when I was 8."
Bucky frowned. "I'm sorry."
She only shrugged her shoulders, "I learned to live with it. Can't dwell on it and let it consume me."
"What were your parents' names?"
"Abram and Yelena Noskov, but when we came here my mom change our last name to Orlov, my father's mother maiden name."
Bucky's body tensed on hearing her parents' - her surname. He knew that name Noskov. He could picture a man being addressed by that name where he was kept in Siberia. He could distinctly remember a man with black close crop hair and mustache performing maintenance on his arm. The man was nervous and his hands kept shaking, Bucky remembered a slight flare of annoyance that the man kept dropping tools. Bucky remembered something being off about the man as the man kept looking at him as if he needed to tell him something or as if...he recognized him. He couldn't ponder too long on the significance of the man Noskov and the fact it may have been Karina's father and with his shitty luck he knew it probably was when he realized she was asking him a question.
"Do you remember anything from your holidays?"
She was looking back at him now, her eyes were still glossy and dazed, she looked almost sleepy and he suspected she was in the tired phase of her drunkenness. He burrowed his hands deeper in his pockets, which could have been mistaken that he was cold, but he was used to the frigidness of low temperatures. Instead he was trying to think if he did remember anything from back when he was younger. The only thing that he could remember most vividly was that he fell in early December leaving his family - Steve - to mourn him during the holiday. But he knew he had to have at least something stowed deep in his mind about a good event.
"I think, my sister, Rebecca's favorite holiday was Christmas. I get flashes of her running around in a ruby red dress with black shoes. I think it was her church dress. My dad actually hated Christmas due to the weather since he was a soldier during the First Great War no doubt there was an unfavorable memory associated with it, but I know for my mom and Becca he put on a brave face."
Now that he was talking about it he could remember his father vividly promising his mother he wouldn't ruin the day for Rebecca. He could recall him saying that it wasn't that bad anymore as now he had the warmth of his beautiful wife and two of his greatest achievements to keep him warm. He also remembered thinking it was gross as he caught his parents kissing. Afterwards, he remembered telling Steve how gross it was then he felt peeved when Steve didn't exactly agree and said that's what parents do and how they show their love. But then he remembered Sarah didn't have Joseph and only Steve. He felt bad his friend didn't have his father and he told Steve that his dad could be his daddy too.
"And since Steve had a lot of health problems back then, me and occasionally Rebecca would build snowmen outside his house. Or against his mother's wishes and his general overall health I would help sneak him outside and we would have a snowball fight or he would build his own snowman. We both get caught considering his immune system was shit. But it was nice, when his mom and him would come over for most of the holidays, I think. I can't remember much, but it's just the feeling."
She only nodded her head. The amusement he felt from hearing her drunken thoughts dissipating as it gradually turned somber. The night was turning harsher and he knew a snow storm was going to come very soon as the snow was coming down harder. He was only seconds anyway from going to propose to Karina that they should head back inside when she turned to him. Her expression was thoughtful and her emerald eyes soft as they trailed over his face. "You never talk about him - Steve."
His blue eyes immediately left hers as he looked out into the winter tide. The cold reminded him of the time him and Steve had to ride in the back of an ice truck. It was easier to think of Steve in that way of him just there in a scenario and just remembering. It was articulating the emotions that came with Steve he couldn't handle. Sometimes he thought he was too fragile to handle the weight of his past and his past contained Steve. Plus, every time he thought of Steve he just remembered him being his last mission. He almost killed him on the Helicarrier. He still had flashbacks at how he ruthlessly pounded into his friend's face and Steve just let him.
He knew Steve was looking for him as if roles were reversed, he would be doing the same thing. He knew one day it was going to happen though. Steve would find him.
"I'm not the guy he remembers."
"I'm pretty sure he isn't the same guy you remember either." She countered which he gave her a scowl in return to which she only laughed. "You're always looking in the past, James, and you're not going to find anyone there because we're here. I'm here. Besides, James, seriously you think too much. You even make my head hurt."
Bucky shook his head as her words were hitting him harder than he expected, a smile teased his lips, "I think that's the whiskey, doll."
Her nose crinkled, "Maybe."
Bucky stood and extended his hand, "Come on, sweetheart, let's get you inside."
Her icy cold hand grasped his palm as he helped her stand up on her wobbly legs. "You know I like it when you call me that, James."
He tilted his head down where her head was resting against his left shoulder. He got a whiff of her jasmine from her hair. It went well with her perfume sent that smelled fruity, then sweet mixed with a chocolate and floral aroma. It was different than the coconut from D.C. "Call you what?"
"You know your little 40s terms of endearment. You smile when you say them, Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes." She said giving a weak army salute.
"You're a talkative drunk, babydoll." He muttered while directing her back into his apartment as he tried to ignore how he liked the sound of his full name rolled off her tongue.
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She was incredibly warm. It wasn't an uncomfortable sweltering warm that caused clammy skin. It was a nice comfortable warm that reminded her fresh linen coming out of the dryers. The only problem was her cool pillow was hard. It was like laying on metal.
Karina's eye flew opened and she immediately sprung up. She immediately recognized that she wasn't in her apartment. She wasn't sleeping in her bed. She looked down and felt relieved that her clothes were still on. She looked to her right and she jumped when she saw James staring at her blankly. Instantly the hairs on her neck stood up because his eyes weren't his twisted violent blue that was swarmed with emotions, but that icy steel cold blue.
When her gaze flickered downward it was when she noticed that he wasn't wearing one of his many layers of long sleeve shirts, a plain short sleeve, or no shirt at all. Instead it was his black tactical gear. Her eyes quickly snapped up and before her mouth could even open to question him she found herself slammed back on the mattress with enough force that she felt she busted through it down to the floor while his metal hand wrapped around her throat.
Her hands immediately latched onto his titanium wrist even though she knew her attempts wouldn't even lessen the pressure even with her legs kicking everywhere that he instantaneously stopped as he distributed himself to trap her legs.
"J-J-Ja...mes." She tried clawing at him and she managed to scratch his face, but it didn't deter him especially as he straightened himself out further from her. In fact, she thought she felt her throat slowly crushing.
"Ready to comply," she heard him mutter angrily in Russian and she felt his fingers digging deeper and she knew right there it was going to end as darkness began clawing at her vision.
Karina jumped and gasped loudly for air and her hands immediately went to her throat to check for any sign of damage. The nightmare still lingering on her as she looked around recognizing she was somehow at James' apartment, but he wasn't in the bed with her. He was sleeping on his couch that was way too small for him as his feet were dangling off the edge. She was bewildered on why she was sleeping in his apartment, but the pounding headache told her why she was sleeping in his bed.
Guilt racked her that her mind would conjure something so twisted about him. She knew James would never intentionally hurt her even if he didn't believe it. She slowly got out of his bed and walked quietly into his bathroom shutting the door. She turned the water on to a low pressure as she knew he had crazy hearing and he already didn't enough sleep. She splashed some water on her face and was taking a few calming breathes when her heart rate spiked at the sound of a tortured scream coming from the other side of the door.
Karina wasn't stupid. She knew the last thing she was ever supposed to do was wake someone up from a nightmare. She absolutely wasn't going to wake up James during his nightmare considering she didn't want a reenactment of her own night terror. His breathing was becoming labored and erratic. She could hear the mechanical hum of his arm becoming louder as the plates shifted.
Despite wanting to help him, she knew she couldn't. She had to let him ride it out.
Instead, she looked for something warm to put on as his apartment was frigid due to the shitty heating system and for some reason she was wearing shorts and she hoped for the sake of her dignity he didn't need to put them on her. Trying not to feel like she was overstepping a boundary, she found a black hoodie in one of his wicker baskets that kept his clothes. She had slipped the warm fabric over her head when she jumped when a loud primal scream tore from his throat before he began shouting loud in Russian and English begging to whoever to stop. It seemed like a good thing he lived on the top floor of the building only the ceiling could hear his screams.
Karina was extremely conflicted on what to do as his distress amplified. She suspected he was having a flashback of when he broke through the conditioning of Hydra as he was begging for them to stop in-between the screaming. Yet, she felt ice slide down her back when his screams turned to a broken sob as he muttered why they were doing this. She swallowed the lump that had lodged in her throat at his suffering and it made her wonder how he even functioned and she was only hearing his pain.
She sat on the edge of his bed and watched as his fists tightened and his breathing go from hard too heavy to shallow and his cries became inaudible. Before he went still.
Karina got up silently as she could after a beat of silence and walked towards where James was fitfully sleeping. She peered over him to him and she exhaled at breathe that he was now calm, but she made her mistake of making too loud of a noise as his eyes snapped open. With speed that almost gave her whiplash she found herself shoved on her back in the exact same spot he was laying before with his metal hand around her throat, her own hands wrapping around his cool wrist was automatic. It wasn't a suffocating pressure, but it was tight enough that she knew a bruise could form.
"Ja-James?"
He didn't budged and with the little moonlight all she could see were his piercing blue eyes staring blankly at her with no hint of recognition.
She was unsure of what to do and she suspected he was still sleeping. She tried to calm her breathing or what little she could do with his hand obstructing her airway.
"James," her hands moved away from his wrist and she tentatively caressed his warm face, "James, its okay. You're not there anymore." She kept repeating those lines of comfort as her hand went up to his scalp and massaged it gently. The pressure on her throat decreased before unexpectedly his dead weight toppled upon her causing her to release a pained oomph.
She knew he weighed a ton alone from his metal arm, but this...she was going to pull a muscle just trying to scoot him off to the side or to a positon at least one of her lungs could function. Somehow she was able to tilt him off to the side without waking him except his face was literally smashed into her boobs. The good thing to a point was his left arm's dead weight was dangling off the couch except now she kind of wanted it as his body was like an inferno.
She didn't even need the hoodie.
__________________
Bucky woke up to the sensation of his nose being tickled and his blanket weighing more than a pound and thicker. He groggily opened his eyes as his metal hand swiped at his nose when he realized it was a pile of black hair splayed across his chest and partially his face. His body immediately tensed as he had no recollection of how Karina would end up on his couch with him.
He began slightly shifting, but froze when Karina let out a noise of discontent from her throat as she snuggled into him. He could admit he was slightly uncomfortable as he wasn't used to human contact to be so gentle and soft. He was used to harsh and rough.
But in the other part of his mind knew this action of her snuggling into him was quite innocent compared to some of the memories that had come back of him with woman when he was younger. And another part of him liked though that Karina felt safe with him enough that she could sleep next to him despite knowing him - his past. Those thoughts brought back his main concern though of how she got on the couch with him.
He resumed his action of trying to get off the couch without jostling his sleepy friend as she was literally latched onto him, but he failed his mission as Karina let out a loud groan, "You're taking away all the heat."
He noticed she made no attempt to get up or move off him, but she seemed to be chasing his warmth as she nestled into him more for his heat. It was then he realized that his apartment was cold and she only had on one of his hoodies and was still wearing the only pair of shorts he had after she partially began stripping off her jeans in front of him as she vehemently stated she couldn't sleep in jeans. "How did you get on the couch?"
She kept her eyes closed as she spoke, "I woke up during the middle of the night and you were having a nightmare. You eventually settled down and I walked over to you as I didn't know you were up and I think I made too much noise as the next thing I knew you had me pinned to the couch." Before he could even open his mouth or check to make sure he didn't do any damages she cut him off. "I'm fine. It was... odd because your eyes were open, but you weren't saying anything or choking me, for the lack of better words. So I just spoke to you softly and then," her green eyes popped open and he could see the amusing glint in them, "you face planted into my boobs."
Heat crept up on his neck as his eyebrows rose, "...sorry." She nodded her head and seemed to be trying to go back to sleep, but he felt guilt creeping up on him as something much worse could have had happened. "Karina last night -"
She shrugged stopping his words, "James, seriously, its okay. What happened last night, I know you didn't mean to or would ever intentionally hurt me. So please don't go that route. However, I think I strained a muscle just trying to shove you onto your side. You weigh a lot."
Bucky rolled his eyes at her exaggeration as his eyes found his digital clock that read it was only a quarter after seven in the morning. He was up an hour later than he usually was.
"So," his blue eyes flickered back to Karina who had shifted to her back cracking her stiff muscles, "you're a breast man?" She teased with a waggle of her brows.
Bucky pushed her off the couch causing her to erupt in laughter.
_______________________
"You know you can go home. You don't need to stay here my whole shift."
"I'm fine."
Karina knew that was a big fat lie as he looked everything but fine. The crowd was larger tonight than usual as it was Christmas and people with nowhere to go, no families, and the general alcoholics were here at Lucky celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Everyone was in a jolly mood with their beer sloshing in their cups and spilling over the edge. They didn't even need the stereo as everyone was providing music by singing quite horribly and drunkenly their rendition of holiday music.
She also knew that James didn't do crowds.
It made him anxious as his eyes swept everyone in the building as he catalogued their attire and any defining characteristic he could pick up. Sometimes she compared James to a Hound dog in regards to his tracking skill.
Karina fixed a heavy and obvious stare down at him wishing she could be able to crack him just once. At first, he ignored her before eventually his stormy eyes clashed with hers with a raise of an eyebrow. James was wearing the grey beanie she bought him for Christmas that covered his long hair she was itching to cut. He was wearing a navy blue pea jacket that looked awfully similar to his Howling Commandos days. She didn't know if it was intentional or not, but she didn't comment on it either way. With his coat locked in the back with her things along with the matching scarf for his beanie, the lack of layers revealed a cream colored sweeter with blue stripes near the chest area that again she picked out with the sole intention of brightening his wardrobe with denim jeans.
With the change of attire, he looked lighter - younger - and despite the permanent scowl on his face, he was attracting a lot of stares from females and a few males that he was either deliberately ignoring or oblivious too. She could admit she intercepted a few stares and glared harshly back.
She didn't know how long their staring match lasted before she felt a sharp sting on her denim covered ass cheek from Pauline telling her to save her bedroom eyes for later causing her to erupt in a shade of red.
James' eyes crinkled giving away the only trace of amusement he was feeling while the rest of his face remained a blank canvas. He pushed his empty tumbler out to her, with a heavy sigh, which caused a low chuckle to vibrate his chest; she filled his cup with more whiskey - the good kind of course.
Bucky watched as Karina slithered away to tend to the more merry customers while he nursed his glass of whiskey slowly. He knew there was no point in really staying her whole shift as it wasn't as if he socialized with the regulars unless one of the guys from the construction crew came through and it was still a one sided conversation. But it wasn't as if he didn't have anything better to do so he would deplete his low funds by buying the occasional drink from Karina. Yet today he felt even more uncomfortable as besides the larger crowd, it was his change in attire that Karina insisted he wore as she did buy him a whole new outfit for Christmas. It was considerably lighter than his normal dark hues. A few of the regulars commented on it as he awkwardly engaged in civil conversation.
Even though he masked it well, he felt an annoyance grow inside him as the night went on. As he watched all the patrons celebrate the holiday, which was practically just a free excuse to drink, his mind kept trying to grasp the memories that was flashing in his mind. He could recall acting like the other patrons - more respectfully - but he could recall drinking his fair share of whiskey getting a nice buzz while dancing with as many of dames as he could in the holiday cheer. But most of all he could recall the ease at which he mingled. He felt his lips quirk up just because the memory of him smiling and laughing was so strong.
He wondered what it would feel like to dance again. He knew it was highly unlikely he would dance in Lucky as they played music that gave him a headache and what they considered dancing was drastically different than his definition. But he still imagined maybe going someplace just too even watch people dance the way he remembered. He highly doubted he would be comfortable finding a partner despite Karina's assurances and from what he could remember that he was an incredibly handsome man that had no trouble finding a partner.
His eyes found Karina laughing as she showcased her holiday sweater. It was black with grey and green accents of a Christmas tree and poinsettias. She kept calling it ugly when he didn't find anything unappealing about it. She then tried to explain how people threw parties with the theme being ugly Christmas sweaters. It still didn't explain why the sweater was considered ugly when it wasn't, but his confused expression and lack of understanding the trend made her give up explaining. As he watched Karina move elegantly from person to person, he suspected she would be a good dancer. He wondered if she would even like dancing.
Before he could stop himself, he tried to picture Karina in a dress. Of course it was more of 40s style as he hadn't really seen a real dress from this generation as most seemed to be pieces of scraps. Although he thought he would prefer something more modern on her considering he knew today's generation of clothing would showcase her shape - curves - more.
Maybe, he would get the courage to ask her some day when he was a little bit better. Besides, he felt he would need to be able to handle Karina in something different as she already drew attention in her jeans and shorts. He was surprised his eyes didn't get stuck in a permanent glare since he sent ones daily to men whose eyes lingered a little too long on her lithe frame for his liking.
He quickly drowned out those thoughts by finishing his whiskey when Pauline, Karina's boss, came over to fill him back up. He knew he was going to have to wean on his uptake considering it would be noticeable he had drank at least five glasses and wasn't even slurring his words or his eyes weren't glossy.
"Need a refill, son?"
Bucky shook his head and sat up a little straighter, "I think I'll take a Coke."
Pauline didn't say anything at first but quickly produced his order of Coke. "You got a high tolerance there."
Bucky didn't know if he liked Pauline or not. She wasn't like Adi, incredibly nosey, but she was observant. At first, he was suspicious because he felt the red head was always eyeing him as if she recognized him, or worst a left over sleeper agent of Hydra's, but that was his paranoia. The only thing he did like about Pauline was she was protective over Karina, so he could handle the passive aggressive questions for the time being.
"You don't talk much either," she added after he took a small sip of his beverage.
"Merry Christmas." He supplied.
Pauline let a hearty laugh as she swung her rag over her shoulder and began serving the patrons at the bar when Karina came back from serving a table but was standing next to him placing the tray on the counter as she gave the orders for her drinks.
She leaned down slightly and he got a whiff of her sensual perfume, "Laying off the whiskey, huh?"
Bucky didn't get to reply when he was distracted by Pauline running back over towards him and Karina immediately putting him on defense before she stopped and produced a green plant wrapped in red string and before he realized what it was it was too late. Karina gave him a shy - nervous - smile while his face didn't hide his confusion as everyone's eyes were on them.
He felt as if his body was back in a cryochamber as he froze when Karina bent down and placed a kiss with her warm soft lips on his jaw dangerously close to his frozen lips.