Chapter Twenty-Six
There weren't many options available to a girl in her situation. No matter how Seohyun decided to act upon her position, someone was going to get hurt. No plan she could conjure left everyone she loved safe.
But one thing was for certain: there was no way she could watch her friends suffer any longer.
That was something Seohyun had to fix at once. It was her responsibility. She'd do whatever it took.
And, finally, after days of deliberation, she settled on a solution.
She was going to have the Carrows discover her true allegiances.
For Seohyun now realised she was being selfish: she had been, in a way, prioritising her own well-being. As long as she remained alive... That had been the driving force for Draco saving her, and what led Seohyun to become an unintentional double agent.
As long as she remained alive. That had become the mantra. It had seeped into her subconscious and put that selfish desire above everything else.
Not anymore.
She would not be so selfish any longer. She had to protect the people she loved, at whatever cost. If she'd been brave, she'd have done so long ago. She wouldn't have used Occlumency – she should have died on the spot, strong and holding fast to her beliefs, and not cower behind a mask.
That wouldn't be a problem from that time onwards.
First, she'd tell her friends. Seohyun already knew how she'd break it to the Carrows that she was a traitor (was she a traitor, if she'd never been on their side?), but for that, she'd need the assistance of others.
When she found herself alone in a disused classroom with her Ravenclaw friends as part of a study session, Seohyun decided that she had to take her chance.
She kept writing her Astronomy essay for some time, working up the courage to speak. The rhythmic sound of quills scratching against ink and occasional low voice discussing a complex theory was gentle and reassuring, something Seohyun didn't want to break.
Buck up, Park Seohyun.
"Hey, Padma. Terry. Anthony," she blurted, before her sudden burst of courage faded. "I have something to tell you."
Three quills stopped moving in unison, and three heads shot up. Seohyun swallowed. There was no taking it back now, no pretending she hadn't said anything. It was out in the open, and now she had to continue.
Anthony frowned. "Are you okay, Seohyun?"
Seohyun always wondered if Anthony Goldstein had once lived in America, or at least if some of his family had. His accent wasn't fully British: there was traces of a vague American accent to his words.
"No. Not for a while." She licked her dry lips. "I've been so stressed."
Padma smiled sympathetically. "I've thought that was the case. You've been looking ill."
"I've... been through a lot."
"I'll say," Terry muttered. He glared at the table, as though it were responsible for what happened over the summer.
Seohyun sighed. Under the table, her hands were shaking. "Things just... aren't what they seem."
"How so?"
Seohyun's mouth was so dry, she was finding it difficult to speak. Her heart picked up. Say it say it go on say it -
"My time in Malfoy Manor... was imprisonment, but not the way most see it."
Her friends were staring at her. Seohyun's quill shook in her hand, splattering ink across her page. Come on! Do it.
Her entire body trembling like a leaf in the wind, her heart racing like someone taking off on a Firebolt, her skin clammy and her breathing sounding very much like a banshee, Seohyun grasped the edge of her sleeve.
She hesitated, and drew it up. She closed her eyes and flinched, awaiting the yells and accusations from her friends as the black mark was unveiled.
"Seohyun –" Padma breathed.
Tears pricked Seohyun's eyes. "I – I had no choice. Bellatrix was going to kill me. Draco saved me the only way he knew how, and as a result..." She trailed off, her voice caught in her throat.
"Seohyun."
Anthony sounded so disappointed. It was like a knife wound to her heart, her stomach, her throat - everywhere. Somehow the blade managed to pierce even her soul.
Seohyun dipped her head. "I'm sorry. I should've been upfront, but I was ashamed -"
"How could you keep this from us?"
Seohyun flinched at Padma's harsh, raised voice. She'd never heard Padma yell, ever. "I didn't -"
Anthony climbed to his feet. "Those groups who were found out. Was that because of you?"
"They were holding my parents hostage! They still are!"
Seohyun was having difficulty breathing. They were taking this the entirely wrong way! She knew, she'd told Luna this would happen...
Terry shook his head. His eyes had narrowed. "But you should've -"
"Stop!" Seohyun cried, and covered her ears with her hands.
Once the others had stopped speaking and she'd regained her composure, Seohyun folded her hands into her lap. Her eyes remained focused on a burn on the table when she resumed speaking.
"I've done some awful things. Against my will, but that's no excuse. But..." She lifted her head. "I'm going to fix them." She raised her chin, looking much braver than she felt. "I'm going to let my true allegiances known. They can punish me however they want – lock me in Azkaban, kill me. But I won't let them use me to hurt you any longer."
"You can't!" Padma leapt to her feet. "Okay, you haven't been a saint... But they'll do even worse things to you once they find this out! Surely you know this?"
Padma was staring at Seohyun as though she was insane. Well, maybe she was. But she also wasn't the kind of person to watch people suffer and do nothing about it.
"More people will get hurt," Seohyun said evenly. Now she could sound brave – she was doing something she believed in. She was helping others, protecting them, making this hellhole a slightly better place. Seohyun was happiest when she was helping people, and this would be the most she'd ever done for anyone. "I can't let this go on."
Padma shook her head as though in a state of disbelief. Terry and Anthony exchanged matching worried looks.
"Why can't we hide you?" Terry asked.
"They'll take it out on my parents."
"We'll get the Order to hide your parents."
"Who knows how long that will take? I won't put you at their mercy for any time longer than necessary."
"Seohyun."
Padma sighed and walked around the table, taking both of Seohyun's hands in her own. Tears fell freely down Seohyun's cheeks and she wept, resting her head against Padma's chest. Terry and Anthony were soon by her side, rubbing her back.
Seohyun sniffed and wiped her eyes. She was surprised that with all the crying she'd been doing recently, since this nightmare began, that she hadn't shrivelled up into some dried prune.
"I have to do this," she said firmly, "And I won't take any other answer as an option. But I'll need your help."
Anthony smiled. "Of course."
He winced, as though the words were physically painful, but he'd said it, and the others were nodding in agreement. Seohyun felt her body sag, so much tension leaving all at once.
"And I'll have to tell Draco. He – he protected me in the first place. I'll have to let him know."
Terry spluttered. "Malfoy?"
"He's been a huge support for me throughout all of this."
They were flabbergasted, but Seohyun just smiled.
Maybe now, Draco Malfoy won't be seen as such a bad guy after all. That might the one good thing that came out of this.
+++
Seohyun told the others of her plan. They didn't like it, but they knew Seohyun was adamant on the matter, and agreed to go through with it. They hashed out the details, down to the nitty gritty, and continued to revise it until they were satisfied they knew every part of it. Seohyun walked away, feeling lighter and heavier at the same time.
Lighter, because she'd finally come clean.
Heavier, because she couldn't deny the dread that was building within her, rapidly reaching breaking point and threatening to overflow or explode.
But it was the right thing to do, and Seohyun could at least find solace in that.
Padma bade her goodnight as soon as they returned to Ravenclaw Tower, and gave Seohyun a long, fierce hug. Seohyun returned the gesture and, when Padma trooped up the stairs, she instead pulled out quill and parchment. She sat herself down at a desk and stared outside the window, pondering what words to say.
There wouldn't be time to tell Draco in person tomorrow. If she did, she knew that Draco would never let her go. That was the curse of being in love, Seohyun sighed – it made one protective to a fault. And after everything Draco had endured, she really wasn't surprised.
He loved her, and she loved him. He would get an explanation: in the form of a letter, which she'd stow into his Potions textbook at the end of their final lesson. He'd get her explanation, a declaration of her love, and she'd have done the deed before he could interfere.
Seohyun felt guilty not confiding in him, but it would make things easier in the long run. She was sure she would lose her nerve if she had to confront him.
With a sigh, she dipped her quill in ink, and began to write.
Draco,
I'm sorry I didn't tell you this in person, but I knew you'd react awfully. You've always been protective of me, and would never allow me to go through with this. But I'm going to allow the Carrows to catch me. I simply can't put my friends in danger anymore. It's selfish and goes against everything I stand for, and each day I'm filled with more and more self-loathing to the point I'm drowning in it. I have to do this. For them.
It is simply not in my nature to stand idly by while others suffer. You should know, from personal experience, when I never left you alone last year.
I have no idea what sort of punishment the Carrows would deem appropriate for a traitor – Azkaban or death – but in case I never see you again, I have to explain myself, and I have to say this:
I love you, more than words can say. Thank you for everything you've done for me this year. Thank you for sparing my life, for being my lifeline, for looking out for me and giving me comfort in the darkest of times. You are my light, Draco Malfoy. I don't want you to ever forget that. No matter what may happen after tonight, you were the one person who kept me sane this year. Don't blame yourself, not ever. I've never regretted knowing you and loving you, Draco, so you shouldn't either.
I've also given you some of my favourite paintings. Keep them, as a memory of me, and the love I had for you. Will always have for you. You're a good person, Draco Malfoy, beneath that mask you deem so necessary to wear. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
And maybe, once in a while, take that mask down and let people see who you truly are. As a personal favour to me. I want you to be happy, and you can't be that while you're pretending to be someone you're not.
Goodbye, Draco. I love you, for always.
Park Seohyun.