Chapter 5: Painful Memories
Allen
"Do you want to stay for dinner?" I heard myself ask the question before my brain even registered it.
Mika raised an eyebrow at me, smirking. "Is that an invitation to watch your kid for another couple hours or is that an actual invitation for dinner?"
"Dinner. Unless you want to take care of Sam some more, but I'm home, so you're done for the day, technically."
He nodded his head slowly. "Thanks, but I don't think I'm going to stay. You don't need to feed me on top of how much you've been paying me."
It's been two weeks already since I hired Mika, and yeah, two hundred a day does tend to add up pretty quickly. But that's what I said I'd pay him, and he's done an amazing job, even tidying up the house every so often too while Sam naps. He definitely deserves the money and I can definitely afford it.
"I don't mind, really," I replied, subtly stepping in between him and the door. "I'd actually prefer it if you stayed. It gets a little lonely here in this big house with only an infant to talk to. And he doesn't hold conversations very well." Oh God, what was I saying?
"One day you'll be wishing he doesn't shut up," Mika said with a sad sounding laugh. "Just hope that you never get to the point where you'll be wishing to hear him say just one more word to you, but never being able to hear his voice ever again. It sucks."
I didn't know where this sudden seriousness came from, and it was a bit heartbreaking. I had forgotten about his sister, who he hadn't mentioned since the day I hired him. It was pretty obvious how much he loved her, just by the look on his face as he remembered.
"I'm sorry, about her," I said, not knowing what else to say.
He shrugged. "Not your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault, really. 'Cept mine 'cause I couldn't take her to a proper doctor." He shook his head. "I should go."
"Stay." The word came out a bit harsher than I had intended it to. "Please. I was thinking of ordering Chinese. Do you like Chinese?"
That got a hint of a smile to appear on his face. "Yeah, I do."
"Good. Here." I pulled a menu for my favorite place out of a draw and handed it to him. "Sit down, look through to see what you like. You can get whatever or however much you'd like. Price doesn't matter to me."
"You don't need to pay-"
"Of course I am." Sam started crying then, stopping Mika from replying. I took the opportunity to say the last thing I was going to say on the subject. "I invited you, so I'm buying dinner. Now figure out what you want and I'll be right back."
I turned to leave the room, but not before noticing a small smile and what might have even been a slight blush on Mika's face as his eye scanned the menu. Why would he be blushing? All I did was offer to buy him dinner, or more like make him stay for dinner. But that wasn't anything to blush over.
It was probably nothing, anyway. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep, so it was probably just my mind playing tricks on me. That's all it was.
When I came back into the kitchen, after needing to change Sam's diaper, I found Mika still looking over the menu. He had drawn his bottom lip between his teeth as he studied the words. That simple action alone made him look innocent, like the world hadn't crapped on him his whole life.
"If you keep staring at me the way I've caught you doing a few times now, I might start thinking you have a thing for me."
"What?" I asked, startled. Was he asking if I liked him? If I was gay? "I don't-I'm not-Are you?"
That smirk appeared on his face again. He probably found my inability to speak amusing. "If you're asking if I'm gay, I'm not going to lie to you, Allen. I am."
I took a step back in surprise, my mouth gaping open. He couldn't be serious, could he? Not that I had a problem with it, it was just that... I don't know. It just took me by surprise, I guess.
Mika was suddenly on his feet, slamming the menu onto the table. "Alright, fine. I get it. I've seen that face on enough employers to know what you're going to say. Good luck with Sam and everything. Here's your key back." He dug into his pocket and pulled the spare key that I had given him off a sparse-looking key ring, putting it down on the table next to the menu. "I'll just let myself out."
"Wait!" If I wasn't holding Sam, I probably would have actually jumped in front of him to stop him from leaving. "Where are you going? I thought you were staying for dinner."
His forehead creased. "Why would I stay when it's pretty obvious that you don't want me here?"
"What?" I shook my head. "No, I want you to stay. I don't care if you like guys or elephants or whatever."
Mika's smirk came back as he slowly shook his head. "Elephants. I definitely don't like elephants like that. Who the fuck does?"
I couldn't help but laugh. "I don't know, I just sort of said it. Also, please don't curse in front of my son. I don't want his first word to be something vulgar."
Mika rolled his eyes. "He's not going to even understand words for months, let alone actually speaking them. But fine, I won't do that again."
"Thank you." Moving closer to the table, I shifted Sam into the crook of my left arm and picked up the key, holding it out to Mika. "Don't lose this. I'm not going to make you another one."
He took it from my hand but paused before returning it to his key ring. "You sure you're okay with me?"
"Of course," I said, shocked that he would even think that, after I practically made him stay, again. "But you don't-" I stopped with a shake of my head. I didn't even know what I was asking. Why was I so confident in my words until it came to talking to Mika? When talking to him I'll either say the most ridiculous things or nothing at all.
"What?" he asked, the smirk returning to its rightful place. "Do I like you like that? No." I couldn't help but feel my heart sink just a little bit, which really confused me. I shouldn't care. "Don't get me wrong. You're a nice, attractive guy, but, even if you weren't my boss, you're still madly in love with Sam's mother, aren't you?"
I sighed, letting my eyes drift over to the picture on the fridge of the two of us. It was my favorite picture of her. We were at the beach one summer, and she had just pressed her ice cream cone against my face, covering me with it. She was smiling so widely, laughing that beautiful laugh of hers. Neither of us even knew the picture was being taken until after the fact, but I'm so glad it was.
"Have you ever been in love?" I asked Mika, turning my attention away from the picture and the painful memories it held.
He shook his head slowly. "No." The word almost held a hint of sadness in it, but then it quickly went away as he continued talking. "I don't believe in it. Love is a socially constructed concept." I opened my mouth to object, but he cut me off. "That doesn't mean it isn't real. Someone, who used to believe the same thing as me, recently told me that he fell in love. So I guess it's possible, and the look in your eyes every time you think of her also tells me that it's possible. Just not for me."
"So you've never loved anyone?" I asked, curious, because who could go their entire lives not loving someone? "What about your sister?" I felt guilty bringing her up the moment the words came out of my mouth. "Sorry, I didn't-"
"It's fine," Mika said quickly. "What I felt for Amy wasn't the same thing. I guess you can say I loved her in the sense that she was my sister and I needed to protect her, and I cared for her as much as I possibly could." He sighed before continuing in a small voice that I wasn't sure I was even supposed to hear. "But it wasn't enough."
Before I could even think of a response, Mika shook his head, his smirk once again returning. "Are we ordering Chinese or what?"
I nodded, switching Sam into the crook of my right arm as I walked over to the table. Tapping the folded paper, I looked over at Mika. "You decided what you wanted?" He nodded and I pulled my phone out of my pocket and started dialing the number I shamefully had memorized a few months ago.
I had to be careful when bringing the phone up to my ear since I was holding Sam in one arm. Mika also seemed to noticed how careful I was being because he immediately held his arms out to take him. I gratefully accepted his offer, tucking the phone between my ear and my shoulder as Sam switched arms.
"Thank you," I mouthed to Mika just as the owner of the place, Mrs. Lee, started talking into my ear. Then I proceeded to order what I wanted, and, once Mika said his order, I told Mrs. Lee that too.
"Ordering more than usual, Mr. Carr?" she said in her heavy accent, amusement evident in her voice.
I chuckled lightly, turning my back on Mika, even though he wasn't even paying attention to me at the moment. "Yeah. I've got company today. How long will it take to get here?"
"Good for you. You've been lonely too long." She paused for a second. "Thirty minute."
"Thanks, Mrs. Lee," I said before hanging up the phone. Turning around, I found Mika sitting at the table with Sam in his lap and him smirking up at me. "What?"
"You know the Chinese food lady by name?"
"Yeah, so? Don't give me that look."
"What look?"
"That one. The one where you're judging me for knowing her."
He shook his head, the smirk never leaving his face. "No judgement, man. Honest."
"Good. Because she's just a friend, anyway." That's when I noticed he was still holding onto Sam. "Give me my son back. You're done working for today."
As he was handing Sam back to me, he said, "You know, I don't think I've told you this before, but you make a really good dad."
I smiled, slightly embarrassed. I never expected him to say something like that. "Thanks. You too, you know," I said without thinking. "You'd make a good dad, if you ever decide to have kids."
He shook his head, looking down at his hands that were playing with the frayed edge of his shirt. "Nah. I wouldn't be able to handle a kid again, not by myself. And there's nobody who'd want to be with me that I'd want to be with, so there's no point in wishing."
I held myself back from saying the thing that popped into my head. Why would I even picture myself with Mika, raising a family? I wasn't into guys, and he already said he wasn't interested in me.
My thoughts have seriously confused me recently, but that was probably due to the stress of taking care of Sam plus the lack of sleep recently. Hopefully these thoughts go away soon. Them and these painful memories of Sarah that keep popping up. I just needed to focus on Sam right now.