Flashback (3 years ago)
"I love-" These two words I remembered coming out of Dean's mouth before the lights went off and the Impala went flying across the road as a semi truck collided into the front of the car. I remembered waking up to the smell of gas leaking out of the car and the sight of Dean being unconscious and unrecognizable from the crash. My heart stopped for a moment as I struggled to get out of the passenger seat, wanting to get Dean out of this mess as quickly as possible, but the front of the car was pressed up against my legs, making it hard for me to move. I must have already healed myself shortly after the collision as I didn't feel any physical pain, only the slow tearing apart of my heart when I struggled to get to Dean and wasting more time on getting him to where I could see if he was still alive. The thought of him being dead already made me sick. Once I finally made it out of my seat I went to pull him out of the car, seeing that he looked even worse.
"Dean... Dean!" My voice cracked while calling out his name, trying to see if he was able to hear me as he seemed to be alive. I was still able to sense his soul inside of his body. He wasn't gone completely. "Dean stay with me okay?" My hands were shaking as I fumbled the phone out of my pocket, immediately dialing 911. I didn't know where to start when the lady on the other side wanted me to explain my situation, all I could think of was that the man I was holding in my arms was moments from passing away.
After I explained the emergency, I immediately hung up and continued to talk to Dean, trying to get his soul not to leave his body until the ambulance was here to take care of him. There was not much I could do. I wanted to heal him, believe me I did, but I was too weak to use my powers at that time. There wasn't much I could do except to hope and pray that Dean was going to make it through.
Once the ambulance arrived, the EMT's rushed to my side, pulling me away from Dean so they could do their work and keep him alive until the doctors at the hospital would take over. It was hard for me to let go of him, fearing that this would be the last time I might get to hold him again. I didn't want to think of it, but the thought of him being gone forever felt like a slow but torturous feeling of my heart being torn apart.
I couldn't lose him. I couldn't.
After the ambulance had left with Dean, I was asked a couple of questions by the police, wanting to know how I found him, if we had some sort of relationship, or if I was the one who had hit him as the actual vehicle who had hit the car didn't stop to help us and wasn't around, and many, many more obnoxious questions. Obviously I couldn't tell him that I was in the Impala with Dean when the accident happened. I didn't look physically hurt. No scars. No bruises. Nothing.
How would I explain to him that I was an Angel?
I wouldn't. That's the point. So my explanation to the officer was that I had found him on the side of the road as I had made my way home from work. I was too worried to think of something else other than how Dean was doing.
Once the officer had left, and I was finally able to leave, I immediately called Sam as I made my way towards the hospital. I had to walk my way down there but I'd rather do that than to drive, fearing I would be the reason for another accident with me not being able to concentrate and crying the life out of myself.
"Sam..." My voice was dry and shaky as I was struggling to explain the current situation to Sam. Tears were pouring down my cheeks and the words to all of this were missing. Sam had seemed to noticed that something was up when I didn't answer him back as he shouted my name over the phone multiple times.
"Dean...I...he's..." I looked up at the night sky, calling out for help in my mind, feeling lost and broken. How was I going to explain the accident to Sam?
"Cas! What in the world is going on? What's wrong with Dean? Answer me!" Sam sounded worried and mad, yelling at me over the speaker, trying to force an answer out of me that I had no clue of how to put into words.
I didn't want to tell him but I had to.
"Just come to the hospital. Dean and I got into an accident and, well, he's in a very bad condition. " There. That should do it.
It immediately had gotten quiet on the other side. I could just imagine how shocked he must have looked. The fear in his eyes. Something I didn't want to see. It only would have killed me more on the inside.
"What did you do?" Sam was crying now. I could hear a loud shutting of a door in the background as he waited for an answer.
"Let's not talk about it right now. Just come to the hospital please." I stopped in my tracks, not wanting to think back of how the accident had happened and whose actual fault it was.
"Cas-" Was all I heard from Sam before I hung up and continued to make my way towards the hospital. It had taken me about an hour to get there from the place that the accident happened, and once I got into the building, I already found Sam standing at the front desk in tears. He wanted to see his brother but the nurse told him that he couldn't as he had just gotten here and had to be taken care of. Dean was in a very bad condition and it was all my fault.
"Sam..." I called out in a quiet voice as I stood only a couple of feet away from him. Sam, of course, turned around immediately, looking broken hearted as our eyes locked, making me feel even more guilty for what had happened.
"Sam... I'm- I'm so sorry. This is all my fault." I felt so lost just standing there, looking into the reddened eyes of Sam who was too upset to be mad at me. I figured that he would come running at me trying to ask me what I did, but he just stood there looking as if someone had shattered his life into pieces.
~The next day~
The doctors had told us about Dean's condition after he was brought into a room to rest. They had said that his condition was very bad and that he was now in a coma after they had tried their best to keep him alive. They feared that he might not even wake up from it, that was how weak he was.
"We will just have to hope and pray that God will give us a miracle. He's going to have to fight hard if he wants to wake up. "
This was all your fault Castiel.
Sam and I immediately made our ways to his room where he was laying in the hospital bed looking unrecognizable with all the machines keeping him alive and the bruises marking his skin. It was bad. Really really bad.
Flashback ends
Present day
Today marked exactly 3 years after the accident. 3 painful years without Dean. My best friend. The love of my life. Sam's big brother.
Sam and I had visited Dean as much as possible if we weren't busy hunting. Something we didn't give up as we figured that Dean wouldn't have wanted us to do that. He had wanted us to continue without him, no matter how much it hurt.
So there I was, sitting in a chair next to Dean's bed in the middle of the night. Thinking about the accident and how I wished I could have stopped it or at least wished that I was able to heal him and have him wake up from his coma.
I spent lots of nights here in this room. Watching him lay there peacefully while I held his hand in mine and talking to him as if he could hear me and everything was okay. Most of the nights I cried myself to sleep in here. This room had somewhat become my home now as I've spent most of my time here if I wasn't gone somewhere else. Sam spent lots of time here as well, but most of the time he simply couldn't take it, seeing his brother laying there unconscious and him not being able to do a thing about it. So he had went back to the bunker in tears.
The two of us fought a lot. Sam and I. Although we always made up right afterward, feeling bad that we were doing this to Dean. He wouldn't have wanted this, but it was all my fault and I couldn't heal him. I was too weak. My broken wings were the reason I couldn't heal him as they've weakened me and it was getting worse. I was lucky enough that I was able to heal myself when the accident happened, but if I could have healed Dean instead of myself, then I would have.
But, most of all, I wished that the whole accident didn't happen. That Dean and I had made it to the bunker safely after he had found me completely drunk in a bar from a fight we had earlier that day about something stupid and silly. Dean and I then had fought in the car because he was furious about me going out there and drinking, but, after a moment of silence, we decided that we couldn't be mad at each other anymore and that's when Dean was just about to tell me that he loved me and the truck hit our car.
That was the moment that had changed our lives completely.
"I miss you Dean. I miss you so much and I really wish you could hear me right now because I want you to know how sorry I am for what I've done. I wish I could change it all. Go back in time and stop the accident from happening because if anyone should be laying here in a coma, it should be me. " My voice was cracking throughout my small speech and my hand was shaking as I was holding Dean's hand in mine and staring down at his beautiful, freckled face.
"I wish you would open your eyes. Your damned beautiful green eyes. Just fucking open them already! Please Dean..." I started to raise my voice now as I was getting mad at, not Dean, but myself. My hand was squeezing his now as the tears were rolling down my cheeks.
His eyes. I wish he would open them just one more time. I want to see those beautiful green eyes just once. It has been forever since I've last seen them. Today, whenever I see anything with the color of green, I just think of how much I miss looking into Dean's eyes. Everything that was associated with the color of green didn't seem to be as beautiful anymore, knowing that my favorite green eyed hunter was in a deep sleep and might not wake up from it. His green eyes were my favorite and anything else green just seemed to be uninteresting and dull now.
Green had been my favorite color ever since I first laid my eyes on Dean's.
"I love you Dean." I whispered now as I held his hand against my cheek and closed my eyes, missing his touch even more now. Like the way he would always place his hand onto my cheek and gently rub his thumb across it while he whispered 'I love you' over and over against my lips just right before we went to sleep in our shared bed.
I really missed it.
My eyes slowly opened then as I decided that it was late and I was getting quite sleepy. Usually I have never slept, but with Dean I always did. I guess you could say our love for each other has brought a little human out in me even if I wasn't one.
So I then laid my head onto the mattress, while I was still holding onto his hand, and closed my eyes, hoping I would dream of my beautiful, green eyed hunter.
I will find a way to bring you back Dean. I promise.