I watch as delicate snowflakes fall from the thick gray clouds onto the ground, covering it in a pure white blanket. Once the sight of snow on Christmas Eve would've elated me, but now it just drags cumbersome sadness into my heart. Once, I would have immediately run out, not minding the cold, to create snow angels and taste the little flakes on my tongue. Now I make no effort to move from my spot, curled up on the window seat. There was once a time when Christmas was the most wonderful time of the year. Now I find it to be the most dismal.
The burden of sorrow is heavy. The sight of snow adds a weight to that sadness, yet I can't seem to tear myself away from the window. I'm just watching it fall to the ground.
"Noelle!" my mother calls from the kitchen. "We're decorating the Christmas cookies! Come! Join us!"
"I'm good," I reply, slumping back against the wall. The warm scent of cookies wafts around the house, but even that can't lighten my miserable mood.
"Noelle."
I look up to see my mom standing over me, worry creased in her expression. I turn back to the window, not feeling like looking her right in the eye. "What?"
"We're decorating Christmas cookies."
"I don't feel like it."
Her frown is clear through her voice, "You love decorating the Christmas cookies."
"I just don't feel like it, okay?" I snap irritably. I really just want to be alone right now.
My mom sighs. "If you need someone to talk--"
"I don't," I cut her off. Then, feeling guilty for being so short with her, I add, "I just want to be alone right now."
My mom hovers for a second, as if she is going to say something else before deciding not to. The sound of her footsteps soon fades away.
The snowflakes continue to fall.
I was doing fine. I was really okay. Up until the nights got cold. Then the thoughts started creeping in. Remembering all the good times that would be no more. Remembering him. Nicholas, my first love.
I'd always been a little bit in love with Nick. We'd known each other our entire lives, practically from birth due to our parents being close friends. He was my best friend, my confidant. He knew more about me than I did myself, and I him. I thought I'd never lose him. Yet I did.
The one thing I never immediately told Nick was that I was in love with him. It was a long time before I admitted it. What I hadn't realized was that he already knew, because he was in love with me too.
It took us a while to both acknowledge our feelings for each other, but still, I remember that day as if it had just happened.
3 years ago.
My breath puffs out in front of me in the cold, frigid December air. The golden light of the street lamps shines softly, cutting through the darkness of the night. My eyes can't stop flickering over to Nick, who walks beside me.
He's smiling. There aren't many times where he isn't.
I love his smile. I love the way it causes his cheeks to dimple, and those bright green eyes of his to gleam with laughter. There isn't much I don't love about Nick.
We are meandering down the streets on our way home from seeing the light show in the center of town. It's the first of our many Christmas Traditions. First the light show. Then we get our trees and decorate them together. Next we bake Christmas cookies, and on Christmas Eve we exchange gifts in a competition to see who can give the better present.
It's a good night for the show-- crisp and clear.
"What'd you think?" Nick asks as we stroll down the sidewalk.
I pause to think about the question for a second. "Last year's show was better," I decide.
"No way," Nick shakes his head. "This year totally tops all the previous ones."
"Nick," I turn to face him with a resigned expression. "As much as I hate to tell you this, you're wrong."
My best friend laughs, "Hate to tell me? Yeah right. Those are your favorite words."
I grin, knowing that he is correct.
Suddenly, Nick comes to a halt. "Stop."
I turn to him, surprised, "What?"
He points up, above our heads.
Looking up, I see that we are standing under an archway. I hadn't even noticed that we were under it.
My heart leaps when I see what he is really pointing to.
A green plant tied together with a bright red bow hangs on the archway above us. Mistletoe.
Suddenly it seems like my heart is running a marathon. I can't seem to catch my breath.
Nick looks down at me. The look glimmering in his eyes is one that I haven't ever seen before. "Guess we have to kiss," he says casually.
My heart skips a beat. I try to sound equally as offhand. I fail. "We don't have to." My voice comes out as a squeak.
Nick waves a finger at me, "C'mon, No, you know the rules. If you go under mistletoe with someone else you gotta kiss them."
My eyes flicker back up to the mistletoe. I simultaneously love and hate it. It's giving me an opportunity that I've always dreamed of... but even if Nick can act normally after kissing me. I couldn't. Not with the way I feel about him. I push away the urge to just accept the kiss. If we kiss, nothing would be the same. Our friendship would be changed. I can't let that happen.
Placing my hands on my hips, I arch a brow at him. "Nicholas St. Clarke, since when have you been one to heed the rules?"
"What?" Nick feigns hurt. "What's so bad about kissing me? Do you think I'd be a bad kisser?"
I roll my eyes at him, "I don't--"
My words are cut off by his lips crashing against mine.
After a split second, I sink into the kiss. Letting go of all my rationality, I allow myself to fall into him. I lose myself for a moment, feeling a warm glow in stark contrast to the cold weather.
The entire world just seems to have gone silent, everything melting away until it's just us. Nick and me.
The kiss seems to last for eternity, but when we break apart, gasping, it is too soon.
I look up into Nick's eyes. I can't keep this from him any more. I have to tell him. "Nick, I--"
Again, he cuts me off, this time with words. "I know."
I blink in surprise and confusion. "You know? Know what?" My cheeks are flush. Of course he knows. He knows everything about me.
"It's okay, Noe."
Embarrassment floods through me. I really don't want to have the just-friends talk with Nick. Not right now, not after that. I turn away.
Nick grabs my arm, pulling me back to him. Lowering his gaze, he says, "Are you not going to let me finish my sentence?" He takes a deep breath. "It's okay because I feel the same way."
It takes me a moment to register his words. When I do fully understand them, I have to look him over, to see if this is all some sort of joke. "You what?" I ask, making sure I didn't hear him wrong. This can't be real. It's too good to be true.
Amusement flickers in his deep emerald eyes. All he says is, "You heard me," before pulling me back into another kiss.
This time I fall without hesitation.
The memory brings a sad smile to my face. Ever since then, a new tradition was added to our list. Going to the city square arch, under the mistletoe.
This year when I saw the wretched green plant, I tore it down from the archway.
2 years ago.
"I can't believe I let you talk me into getting this one," Nick comments as he looks his Christmas tree up and down. "It barely fits in here."
I grin. We have this argument every year. I always talk him and his family into buying a big tree, and then when we get it set up back at Nick's house he starts to complain about the size. "Don't lie, you love it."
"I would be lying if I said I loved it," Nick returns.
"Oh, shut up," I laugh.
We struggle to get the lights up and around the tree. It is truly gigantic, both in height in diameter. Getting around it is more difficult than I had anticipated, and decorating is taking an extremely long time.
"This is all your fault," Nick playfully complains. "If we'd gotten the small one that I wanted--"
"Then your family would be very disappointed at seeing a measly little tree every time they walked into the living room," I return. "Besides, you're always supposed to listen to the person with the better taste."
"If that's true, why don't you listen to me more often?"
"If that's true," I mimic him. "Then why do you get your mom the same sweater every year for Christmas?"
"Hey," my boyfriend protests. "She loves that sweater."
"And I'm sure she loves having sixteen of the exact same one."
"It's a Christmas tradition," Nick insists.
I give him an obvious eyeroll.
Nick just laughs.
I smile.
I can't help but wonder if he is missing me as much as I him. Did he notice one less pair of hands when decorating the tree? Or has he moved on already?
1 year ago.
"Nick!" I screech, covering my head for protection.
It doesn't help much. Icing still gets flung into my hair.
I don't understand why we call this cookie decorating every year. Nick and I always seem to get more icing on ourselves than what actually makes it onto the cookies. Our families have actually started to make their own cookies in a separate room to avoid being collateral damage from our icing wars.
"Do you surrender?" Nick questions.
"Never," I reply, flicking a spoonful of red icing at him before running away.
"Oh, this is war," he proclaims, abruptly chasing after me.
It doesn't take Nick long to catch up to me-- he's always been faster. Once he does, he puts me into a headlock. Nick then menacingly begins to tip an entire bowl of white icing over my head.
"I surrender! I surrender!" I exclaim, twisting, trying to pull away from his tight grip.
"Too late," Nick smirks a split second before the icing pours onto my head and dribbles down my hair.
"Nick!" I shriek in complaint.
He laughs as he gazes over me. Icing covers almost every inch of my body, "You should've surrendered when I gave you the chance."
I pout, folding my arms and wincing at the stickiness. "I hate you."
"No you don't," Nick's smile is broad.
"I do," I assure him.
"You don't, and I'll prove it."
"I d--"
Over the past few years, Nick seems to have developed a habit of cutting me off with a kiss whenever he's not overly fond of what I'm saying. It's an effective strategy. I can't seem to think about much else other than his lips against mine.
That was our last Christmas together. It's odd to think that it was just a year ago that Nick and I were happily having icing wars in the kitchen. Six months after that we found out the devastating news.
Nick's father's company was having him moved across the country-- all the way over to the West Coast. That's when everything went wrong.
Statistically, long distance relationships almost never work. Both Nick and I know that. I was willing to risk it, but Nick wasn't. He ended our three year long relationship over some stupid worries about holding me back or something like that. He said it would end sooner or later, so why not do it now?
I haven't seen or talked to him since then. Eventually my anger faded away, leaving only an empty hole behind. Nick leaving took away a big piece of me. Nick and I were two halves of one being. We filled in everything that other didn't have.
Hours pass by as I stare out the window. Soon enough there is no more light shining down on the sparkling snow. Darkness envelopes everything. Still, I remain in my window seat.
It's my first Christmas without Nick near by. His absence is evident, now more than ever. Without Nick, it just doesn't feel like Christmas to me. It just feels like a dismal time to dwell on heartbreak.
I barely notice my mom when she tells me that my family is going out to dinner. I just wave her off, and tell them to have a good time.
I'm not sure how long after they leave that I hear a loud knock resounding through the house.
I ignore it.
The knock comes again, this time more insistent.
It's probably one of my siblings, trying to get back into the house without keys.
Groaning, I heave myself up from my place on the window seat, and make my way towards the door.
The knocking continues.
"What?" I demand, heaving the door open.
Cold air rushes in, but I barely even shiver. Time stops when I see who is behind the incessant knocking.
Nick stands on the doorstep, his fist raised to knock again. He freezes when he sees me.
I look him up and down, he wears a thin jacket and jeans-- not good attire to withstand this frigid weather. White snowflakes are nestled in his brown hair. He looks just as good as I remember him.
Blinking, I wait for the apparition to go away. I haven't eaten all day. That can be the only explanation, because Nick isn't here. He can't be-- he moved across the country. He's gone.
"Noe?" Nick finally speaks.
It's not a hallucination. Nick is really here.
I'm at a loss for words. I thought I'd never see him again when we broke up, and yet here he is. Finally, I croak out, "What are you doing here?" I have no idea where Nick and I stand. We're not best friends, and we're not dating anymore. In fact, the last time I saw him I was pretty angry.
Nick opens and closes his mouth, as if he had something to say but then decided not to. He's at a loss for words. That's something that doesn't happen often.
"Well?" I lean against the door frame. "What are you doing here?" Suddenly all the sorrow has faded away, and is replaced with resentment.
Nick blinks, taken aback by my tone. "Look, Noe, I'm sure you're angry--"
"Angry?" I laugh. "I'm not angry. I'm hurt. You left, Nick. You left me. So now I'd really like to know what you're doing back here."
After a while, he seems to find the words he's searching for. "I missed you," he admits. "We were setting up the tree, and it just felt wrong. The tree was too small, and then when we were decorating cookies it was all clean." He says the word "clean" in disgust. "Look, I know I was the one who broke it off... But I just didn't want you to be tied down to me when I wasn't even around. It hurt, but I thought it was for the best. Until the Christmas season started. Then I just felt your absence like a gaping hole inside me, and I realized... I'm nothing without you." He stumbles over the words. "My point is... I'm an idiot," his apology is shining clear in those emerald eyes that I love so much. "I should have never given up."
I'm quiet. I don't know what to say. I'm mad at him for leaving... but I can see in his eyes that he feels the same anguish that I have.
"So here I am, asking for a second chance," Nick says, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot.
I still say nothing.
"It's Christmas Eve," a little smile begins to form on his face. "I think I win the gift exchange this year."
After a minute, I make my decision. "You are one pompous jerk, Nicholas St. Clarke," Nick's face falls, nevertheless I continue on. "If you think giving yourself as a gift is going to win the competition."
His warm, charismatic smile returns when he hears the end of my sentence. "I dunno. Getting here cost a lot more than you might think, Noe."
I wag a finger at him. "Gifts aren't about the cost. It's the thought that counts."
He just breathes out, his breath cloudy in the frozen air. "God, I've missed you," is all he says before taking a step forward and pulling me to him.
I feel like I'm flying when our lips touch again. Nothing in the world could bring me down now. Not now that I'm reunited with Nick. I am once again complete, melded back with my other half.
Though I'll never admit it, he was right. Having Nick back is the best Christmas gift I could've gotten.
Well thanks for reading! So to explain myself, I was given one night to write a short Christmas story for English Class. So sorry that it's so short and hastily written. Still, I'm really grateful y'all took the time to read! Hope you enjoyed it, even though it's barely edited. Love you all.
Here are the lyrics to the song, if you were wondering / haven't heard it.
Please take down the misletoe
Cause I don't wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town
My momma's in the kitchen, worrying about me
Season's greetings, hope you're well
Well I'm doing alright
If you were wondering
Lately I can never tell
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when you were mine
I've been doing fine without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
And everybody's here, except you, baby
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold
But for me it's just a lonely time
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine
Merry Christmas everybody
That'll have to be something I just say this year
I'll bet you got your mom another sweater
And were your cousins late again
When you were putting up the lights this year
Did you notice one less pair of hands
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine
You were mine
-Bookfanic