Toni
"Come on, let's go sit." Face led me to the couch in his family room. My heart was pounding a mile a minute. He already knew. I could tell. But it was just a matter of me admitting it to myself. It was long overdue that I tell someone else; maybe that's why it was eating me alive.
"How did you know?" I asked timidly.
"I can just tell. The way you talk about her. There's no shame, Toni. She's a wonderful woman."
I nodded my head with a smile, thoughts of her smile and her laugh entering my mind.
"She is. I don't know, Face. This--all of this, confuses the hell out of me! My feelings, how we both kind of felt the same thing at the same time--the fact that we were best friends before, the fact that I've never felt like this about another woman, it's all just-"
"Have you slept with her?"
My face burned from the inside out. I just nodded my head. A wide grin spread across my face like a wildfire. The way she made me feel...
"And?"
"Face, I can't-"
"It's just me. You can tell me. Come on." He pushed gently. I sighed.
"It's something I can't describe. I mean, you have sex, and then you make love. And maybe it wasn't like that for her, but I know I felt a real pulse between us. It was alive."
"You should see yourself right now, Toni."
"What?" I blushed.
"You just brighten up when you talk about her. It's beautiful."
"This is so embarrassing..."
"I understand, believe you me. The way you are is exactly how I get when I talk about you."
"Face, I'm sorry-"
"No, no, I love it. The rush. It's invigorating, I get it. Even if you're not feeling me like that, just seeing you talk about someone else who makes you this happy is enough to keep me going."
This nigga was really tryna make me cry again. I felt so bad.
"Why you always trying to break me down?"
"Not intentionally." He laughed. That was just him. So sensitive. "But listen to me, Toni. I'm serious." He looked me dead in the eyes. "As good as she makes you feel, remember how you came to my house earlier, a wreck. Janet can't have it both ways. I won't let her. You shouldn't either."
I looked down. I should have known that this was all going to come full circle. He lifted my chin back up to his eye level.
"Promise me you won't let her walk all over you. No matter how much you love her. Love yourself just a little bit more, or I will. Okay? Promise me. I hated seeing you like that. I can't stand it much longer."
I just blinked. It was a hard truth. But he was so right.
"Promise me, Toni. I'm serious."
"I promise, Face."
He picked up my hand and linked our pinkies together. I smiled.
"So you know you gotta tell her how you feel. Like for real."
"Yeah, I know. Something always gets in the way, every time I try though."
"Try harder. Don't give into temptation until you are for sure she's all about you."
"How did you get so good?" I squinted my eyes.
He shrugged. "I've played this game before."
My phone buzzed a few times in my jacket pocket. It was Janet.
"Hello?"
"Hi, are you at home?" She asked wearily. Something wasn't right.
"No, I'm with Face. Is everything alright? You don't sound okay."
"Yeah, yeah, I just thought I'd stop by... I, um...." Janet's voice quivered with every word. I felt sick.
"I'm coming home right now, okay? Just hold tight."
I hung up. "I'm sorry, I have to go. Something's going on with Jan." I stood up from the couch.
"Oh, I hope she's alright, let me know." He walked me to the door.
"I will. Hey."
"Yeah?" He picked his head up. I tackled him with a tight hug. He responded almost immediately. I then reached up to peck his cheek.
"Thank you. For everything."
"Anything for the wife." He winked. I just smiled a toothy grin. He was an amazing man. I could see he was starting to get lost in my eyes. Somehow, I didn't feel the least bit uncomfortable. Maybe it's because it was the way he always looked at me, yet now I knew why. Even if I had no feelings for him, The fact that he cared so much made me appreciate him even more.
"Face, honey, I have to go." I said gently, patting his arm.
"Yeah, sorry." He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck.
"I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Okay. Bye. Drive safe."
I jogged to my car and sped off in the direction of my house, feeling a little better and a little worse.
Janet
I waited in my car for Toni to pull up, alone with my thoughts for far too long. I knew I loved Wissam; I knew I was in love with him. Yet, sometimes, a part of me wonders how we made it this far. Above all things, he could just be so rude. He had no filter when one was extremely necessary, and he never seemed to realize it until after the screaming match, when he was ready to make up and have sex again. It was a never ending pattern. It never solved anything. And I realized he could be so considerate , only when he wanted to be. Like when he wanted to have sex. He knew what he was doing. He just didn't care. Today, he got physical, which scared the shit out of me. He'd never touched me that way. It reminded me of a past relationship, a past version of me, and It triggered a fear inside of me that I thought had died a while ago.
And Toni was the definition of my heaven. She was here whenever I needed her. She was kind. She was unselfish. She was so beautiful. Extremely, indescribably, immaculately sexy. Silly. She knew me better than I knew myself. A goddess between the sheets. I wanted her body all the time. Her company. In all the years that I'd known her, she never wronged me.
Quite honestly, I didn't deserve her. I was selfish. I wasn't anything she needed. I wasn't there for her. I wasn't attractive enough. She needed someone to match her elegance and style. It wasn't me.
Working myself into more of a funk, I saw headlights shining in my rear view mirror. It was Toni. I fixed myself up quickly before getting out of the car. She stepped out too, and my attention was immediately drawn to the abundance of curves in her dress, more specifically her legs, thick in all the right places, a perfect mocha brown against the olive green of the fabric sitting right at mid-thigh.
"Jan, come here! What's wrong?"
She ran up to me, grabbing my arms and scanning my face. I tried to laugh it off. But it was too late for that.
"It's nothing really. Wissam just-"
"He didn't lay hands on you, did he?" Her face grew tight and angered at the thought. How could she already tell? There were no scars. I felt myself choking up, remembering it all happen again. I never thought it would come to this with he and I.
"We just got a little upset with one another, and-"
"Janet."
Her eyes pierced mine. I couldn't speak. Toni took my hand and pulled me to her living room without another word. It took all I had not to sob uncontrollably.
"I want to know exactly what happened, Janet. I'm serious." She held my hands tightly, still glaring me down with a deep concern. I'd never seen her like this. She looked like she could murder someone.
"We got in an argument, and-"
"About what, Janet?"
"He said I was moody and distant. And I wanted to excuse myself from the conversation..." I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to finish the sentence. The lump in my throat was suffocating me.
"What happened?" She pushed harder. Her voice never broke a low roar, but she might has well been screaming at the top of her lungs. It was intimidating.
"I tried to leave, and--and, he grabbed me."
"He what?" Her nostrils flared and she stood to her feet.
"Toni, please. It wasn't-"
"'No. Janet, no one puts their hands on you. Not for any reason. No matter how minor it may have seemed."
I put my head down in shame. I was pathetic. She stormed out, leaving me to cry a little more on my own. I could hear her cursing under her breath as she paced the floor.
"Where is he?" She demanded, coming back into my view. "Is he at your house?"
"I don't know, Toni-"
"Where was he when you left? There?"
"Yes."
"Janet, I'm going to kill him. That's a fucking promise." She headed for the door.
"Toni, wait! You can't kill him. You know you can't."
"Why not, J? Because he obviously wants to die if he's grabbing you like that. He has specifically asked for his ass to be handed right to him."
"Just stay here, Toni. I don't want you to do something you'll regret. After all, he didn't hit me." I rubbed my forehead with my palm. I didn't know it was going to be like this. I just wanted her to hold me.
"How can you be so dismissive? This is exactly how it starts. No, he didn't hit you this time. But it's only a matter of time, Janet. You and I both know that."
"Can you please come sit down? Can you just be here for me?" I begged. This wasn't what I'd hoped for. It was overwhelming. Toni sighed and sat back down. I collapsed into her as the tears soaked my face and her clothes. She squeezed me tightly into her body, holding my head and rocking us gently.
"I'm going to call Jermaine and have him get your stuff from the house. I want you to stay here with me for a while. Okay? And I think you need to take a little more time off from work," she spoke gently.
"I have to perform, Toni." I sniffled.
"It won't be long. Just postpone a few dates. I need your mind to be completely right before you go back."
We sat for a little longer while I cried myself out. I knew I already forgave him. I had been pretty moody lately. He had a lot going on at work. I knew he didn't mean it. But Toni would murder me if I said it out loud. She just didn't know him like I did.
"Are you ready to go to bed? I have a guest room you can stay in right next door to mine." Toni nudged me gently. My stomach turned at the thought of sleeping alone.
"Can I sleep with you?" My voice came out hoarse and weary. "If you don't mind."
"Of course you can. Come on, it's getting late."
We stood up and headed up the stairs.
"Jermaine's not going to be here until tomorrow morning. Do you want something to sleep in?" She asked me, turning the lights on in her bedroom.
"No, I get hot when I sleep."
"I remember that." Toni smiled to herself as she pulled her own dress over head. "You would be half naked by the end of our sleepovers. Every hour you'd take something off."
"I tried to be civil, but I just can't do it. I'm sorry." I blushed. Partly because of the way she was talking about me, and partly from watching her undress.
"Don't apologize. Aren't you going to get undressed?" She motioned to my fully clothed body. I was too wrapped up in her.
"Yeah. I am." I took my pants off first, and then my shirt; I could see Toni watching me from the corner of my eye. I tried so hard not to smile.
"Jan," she called. I could feel her getting closer to me. I was getting goosebumps.
"Yeah?" I looked up at her to see her gaze was on my neck. A long, red welt had formed right across my collar bone from when the shirt dug into my skin. Just barely, her finger tips brushed across it. I winced a little. I could tell she was getting upset all over again. I sighed.
"Give me one good reason why I can't kick his ass back to Dubai, Janet. Just one."
I didn't say anything. She marched into her bathroom and came back shortly with ointment.
"Come lay down."
I did as I was told while she put a little of the cream on her finger tip and sat on the edge of the bed. She smoothed it gently across my skin, being so careful not to hurt me. I loved watching her. When she was done, A soft peck was placed just above the scar that made my heart melt. I smiled. Her face stayed straight, looking into my eyes for a long time. She seemed slightly distracted.
"Thank you, Toni. Really." I whispered, running my fingers down her face. "I love you."
Her stare finally broke as her lips cracked into a tiny grin. I wanted to kiss her with everything I had in me.
"You're welcome," she said back, stroking my hair. She would be a beautiful mother. She was always taking care of someone. Maybe she didn't need children, just someone to love. And right then, I wanted to be that person.
"Really, Toni. I put you through so much shit. It's a wonder you're still here. But thank you for staying."
"It's okay, Jan. Really." She blushed. I felt myself getting a little emotional. From what just happened at home, to the way she'd accepted me back into her life with open arms almost immediately; I was truly blessed to have her in my life. I wanted her to know this, and on no uncertain terms.
"Why are you crying? Did I do something?" She asked me, wiping a tear off of me. I took that hand in mine and stared at her until the welling tears blurred my vision of her.
"No, you didn't do anything. It's-it's all me. I'm just feeling a lot of different things right now." I nodded my head, trying to look a little more convincing than I sounded. "But I'm so happy you're here with me." I interlaced our fingers.
"Always, Jan. You know that."
I nodded my head before raising up to hug her tightly. She rubbed my back, urging more tears from me. "It's all gonna work itself out," Toni whispered. "I promise."
I pulled away to look her in the eyes. Again, she wiped my tears away and smoothed my hair back. It took everything in me not to press my lips against hers, or better, lay her down. But then again, why was I fighting it?
"Are you ready to go to sleep yet?" She asked me. I shook my head.
"No... not yet." I looked around the room.
"You just wanna lay down for a little while?"
I stepped closer to her, propping my elbows up on her shoulders, our foreheads resting together.
"Yes, I do, but not until I'm sure you understand how much I appreciate you," I mumbled. Her body stiffened. "I want to show you."
"Show me?" Toni uttered.
"Mhm. Like this." I kissed her temple, "and this," then her neck, "and this," next was her forehead, "and this." I pressed my lips against hers gently, feeling her try to resist the urge to kiss back. But she did, like always, giving me butterflies. "I-I'm not too good with words, so I thought this would be better. Is that okay?" I asked timidly.
"That's fine."