Chapter Twenty-Three
Seohyun now knew what it must have been like for Draco last year, forced to act under the orders of You-Know-Who, with the price of freedom on his head.
She was definitely feeling it now.
Just a month into the school term, Seohyun felt the strain behind to pile on top of her. It was like she was Atlas and was holding up the weight of the sky: the weight immeasurable and straining on her shoulders, difficult to keep up, threatening to crush her at any moment.
One slip up, and she was finished. By either side.
Ginny, Neville, and Luna wasted no time establishing Dumbledore's Army. People were quick to sign up: apparently, the organisation had been running the year before Seohyun arrived at Hogwarts. After only a few meetings, plans had been made, and the DA was prepared to give the Carrows hell.
They deserved it, Seohyun thought, though that was a thought she definitely kept to herself. The Carrows were awful, worse than Snape. They relished in punishment, in bringing suffering, in favouring the Slytherins, in leaching the joy out of everything that was once good about the school. It felt like all a Gryffindor had to do was to breathe wrong, and the Carrows were on to them with punishments that made Snape's detentions feel like a tea break.
And Seohyun had to deal with them personally.
She came to dread the end of Muggle Studies and Dark Arts, for every now and again the Carrows would crook a finger at her and say, "We need to talk."
She'd comply, and be forced to divulge whatever she knew about the movements of the DA.
Of course, she never gave her friends away. But she couldn't be too inaccurate, otherwise the Carrows would become suspicious of her – something that would not end well.
There were numerous close calls and encounters for her friends with the Carrows, but they weren't caught and managed to get their job finished before either one of the Carrows could arrive at the scene. This just let the Carrows to become increasingly more frustrated over time, which was, to be honest, a little amusing.
Though they tended to take it out on her, which only brought her own.
Not much distracted her.
She couldn't talk with her friends without feeling sick in her stomach, something twisting like a nest of snakes within. Seohyun felt like she was betraying them just by being in the same room as them: even though she knew it was impossible unless they owned a Invisibility Cloak, she knew the Carrows couldn't keep track of everything she did, it felt as though they were lurking nearby constantly, overhearing everything she had to say.
She didn't sleep well, her thoughts keeping her awake, and whenever she did sleep, it was fitfully. Her dreams were awful: of her friends discovering what had happened to her, of her true allegiances being discovered, of her friends dying in a war or watching Draco being ripped away from her, of her parents dying. She slept lightly and woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in cold sweat.
Hogwarts was a prison, even more so than Malfoy Manor. She wasn't just trapped by one group, but two. A tiny mistake on either side would result in her isolation.
She couldn't confide in anyone: she wasn't even able to confide in Draco in public, after everything that happened following Dumbledore's death. People hated him, and to be seen with him – it would only place suspicion on her.
The secluded hours she had with Draco were only late at night, in areas hidden from public view. Those few hours were the only hours she could let all her fears and worries go, and confide in someone. She could cry to relieve her stress, or rant, or reminisce life in Korea. She could actually be herself. All masks were lowered.
All other times, her masks were up, her feelings bottled inside. She could already feel cracks begin to form: they were small, but without a doubt they'd grow larger.
Acting as a double agent at the tender age of seventeen was a lot of stress – especially with homework on top, and fears of You-Know-Who only gaining more and more power as time went by.
The mantra Seohyun had been repeating to herself at night became repetitive during the day.
I am strong.
I will endure.
She had no other choice.
She had to.
+++
One of the biggest changes to Hogwarts was the classes.
Muggle Studies was compulsory, though Seohyun thought a more fitting name would be How to Discriminate and be Prejudiced Against Muggles and Muggle-Borns. She detested listening to Alecto Carrow rave like a lunatic, spitting at the mouth, instilling hatred with her words.
Defence Against the Dark Arts was now just Dark Arts. Curses and Unforgivables were being taught, and expected to be performed.
That included the Cruciatus Curse.
It was expected to be performed in class, on those who had earned themselves detentions. Seohyun could feel Amycus's eyes on her while she lined up with the others, expecting her to do it.
Death Eater. Cruel. Merciless. Do it.
But when it was her time to perform the curse, Seohyun looked at the terrified child shaking in her boots, and she just couldn't do it.
She lowered her wand.
Amycus glared.
At the lesson's conclusion, Seohyun tried to escape the room, but it wasn't before Amycus said sharply, "Park, we need to talk."
Ice formed in Seohyun's veins. Oh Merlin. She came to an abrupt standstill.
Padma winced beside her. "Good luck," she mumbled.
"Yeah. Thanks."
When she passed Draco on her way out, he squeezed her hand gently before they moved on.
Once the door closed behind the last student, Amycus Carrow rounded on her.
"Why didn't you perform the curse?" he hissed. He was so close Seohyun felt his spit on her face. She clasped her hands behind her back to stop herself wiping it off. "It is expected of you as a follower of the Dark Lord!"
Seohyun lifted her chin. "I couldn't do it."
"If you're so soft -"
"No! If I did do it and enjoyed it, it would raise suspicion. I'd lose the trust of the students."
Amycus leaned back and cupped his chin. He squinted at her, as though trying to find a needle in a haystack. Seohyun kept her chin high to hide how much she was shaking, how fearful she was that he would unveil her secret.
"Very well," he relented. "Though I expect some personal demonstration in the future."
Seohyun could have sagged in relief. Instead, she merely bowed her head. "Of course."
When she exited the room, Padma was awaiting her outside. Once Seohyun entered the corridor, she leaped off the wall and took both of Seohyun's hands.
"Did he do anything?" she demanded fervently. She checked Seohyun up and down as though inspecting for injury.
Seohyun shook her head. "No. Don't worry, I'm fine. I got verbally abused, though."
A movement behind Padma's shoulder made Seohyun look. She bit her lip to stop inhaling sharply when she saw Draco behind the corner.
"I've got to go," she told Padma. "I need to go to the library for a while."
Padma nodded and gave her a hug. "Of course. I'll see you at dinner."
"Right."
Seohyun walked slowly, until Padma disappeared from view. Once she had, she quickened her pace and rounded the corner, to see her boyfriend waiting for her.
Seohyun smiled and rested her head on his shoulder. Draco still wasn't great with affection, but he took his hand and murmured, "How are you holding up?"
"As well as I can." Seohyun closed her eyes. When she couldn't see the castle walls, she could imagine she was anywhere else but here.
A library, she thought. An old library in some quaint little country town in Korea, with an alight fireplace, and old books filling every cranny. Just imagining the scent of old books was calming.
"I'll get through this, Draco. You know that."
"I know you're strong, yet I can't help but worry." He chuckled lowly. "Now I understand what you must have gone through with me last year."
Seohyun nudged him in the ribs. "Well, if I could get through to you, then you supporting me should be easy."
He rolled his eyes and kissed her quickly on the cheek.