"Unsteady" by X Ambassadors
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"No," Sigyn tiredly said, near ready to fall asleep where she stood. She was still employed for Thor and Sif, and then she was still caring for Loki's children come nightfall. The triplets were now five-months old, only growing more active the more time passed. This left Sigyn so very exhausted by the of her night shifts, she found twas when Loki would try his hardest to pursue her romantically.
"I am insisting on courting, Sigyn, I am not promoting marriage on the spot," Loki insisted, coming to walk beside her. She had to motion for him to keep his voice down. Jormungand and Fenrir were down for the count. If she was not very, very careful, Hela would become fussy once more. At two in the morning, Sigyn felt as though she would fall asleep before she would be able to rock the baby girl a second time.
It was only after the duo was safety away from the nursery and no longer within ear shot of the babies that Sigyn glared at Loki. "No!" She hissed. "Absolutely, positively, no! I will not hold you. I will not kiss you, and I will most certainly not be courted by you. You are married," she said coldly, nearly wanting to box his ears. It annoyed her deeply how he could be so cavalier in regard to courting when he was already married.
"You are not stating something I have merely forgotten."
She openly gaped at Loki. "So you do not care for the marriage vows you took with Angrboda...?"
"I care more for the droppings that Fenrir leaves behind than I have ever cared for that horrid women if we are truly being honest."
He could sound so cold yet so sincere at the same time. Sigyn could only stare stupidly at him. "You are such a horrid person sometimes," she murmured, feeling very certain of her words.
"Oh yes, I am horrid, but Angrboda is the epitome of perfection," Loki snapped in agitation. "She wreaked of kindness the moment she dropped our children and vanished!"
"And there it is," Sigyn whispered, her green eyes quite wide. "Our children. Your children with Angrboda."
"That Is not what I meant-"
"I know what it is you meant, Loki," Sigyn exclaimed, rubbing her forehead wearily. "I am so very tired running around this constant circle of agony with you."
"Well then stop being complicated by running," Loki replied, rolling his shoulders as he gazed at her. "You love me, and I love you."
"I cannot do this," Sigyn whispered, her voice breaking. "I cannot be in love with a married man! I cannot take the constant reminder that you did not choose me..." she admitted, saying the words that had haunted her for months. She was in love with Loki, she could not deny such a fact, and yet, she hated loving him. Loving him and his children only reminded her that his children were not, in fact, hers. Loki had made a choice a very long time ago. He went with his parents' wishes and married a stranger. The circumstances surrounding the triplets' conception was messy at best, but it did not take away the fact that Loki created three souls with another woman. A woman, who was his wife.
Loki shook his dark head. "You know I had no choice-"
"And yet, you had a choice regarding how you handled that afternoon our relationship ended," Sigyn whispered, her green eyes starting to sparkle with fresh tears. Loki said nothing as he watched her. "Do you remember...?" she asked, her sad eyes still wide. "Because I do. I remember when it was when you accused me of considering you a monster right before you said you were to marry the woman who at least understood you. Then, you proceeded to tell me I w-was only t-trying to get into your bed," Sigyn stumbled, hating herself for being able to remember that conversation so very vividly.
Loki took a step closer, but Sigyn could have none of that. She could no longer hear soothing words or have him caress her in a hug. This did nothing but confuse her further. For if she were honest, truly honest, all Sigyn wanted to do was to forget about every ounce of bad that had happened and simply love him. Her entire life could revolve around caring for the triplets and being madly in love with Loki, and she would feel nothing but content. But she could not simply fall back into old ways. It was wrong to love Loki regardless of who had him first. Deep within her heart, as much as she wanted to deny the truth, Sign knew they could not hold a future together.
"Is this where you leave me again?" Loki asked, his eyes narrowed.
"Do not do that," Sigyn warned, her tears threatening to spill. "Do not dare speak as though I am the one who originally casted your love aside-"
"I never have-"
"You did," she breathed, shaking her head sadly. "I am sorry Loki, the idea of hurting you pulls at my heartstrings, but I cannot be second loved, second best. I never wanted to be a part of a marriage consisting of multiples. But I positively do not wish to be a part of a marriage where a third of this union would consist of a woman heartless enough to abandon those three precious babies."
"Then tell me what you wish," Loki pushed, his eyes determined. "Tell me what I need to say-"
"That is the problem," Sigyn breathed, shaking her head in dismay. "What I wish cannot be said. There is no magical remedy of words to change my opinion for nothing can be said."
Loki looked appalled. "Are you truly saying that it is as simple as the saying actions speak louder than words?!"
"Yes," Sigyn breathed, simply rolling her shoulders.
Loki said nothing else. His too blue of eyes simply watched her. Unspoken words sat unsaid behind his lips as he looked heartbroken. As Sigyn reached the door to exit, the prince found his voice. "You and I will never be satisfied with anyone else." He said this so very calmly, almost as if he was positively certain of it.
"Satisfaction was never quite in your nature anyhow," Sigyn replied softly. "That matters for not."
"My satisfaction only exists with you, Sigyn, forever and always," Loki breathed, sounding pained. Sigyn hurried from the room to avoid further communication.
That was the last time Sigyn spoke to Loki for a very long time. A month passed by at a snail's pace. The young woman dedicated her days to Sif and Thor while her nights remained committed to the triplets. Loki stopped spending his nights near her when she cared for his children. Sigyn didn't know where he was, nor did she ask. She just knew he no longer wished to speak to her. Strangely, this troubled Sigyn deeply. Even though she was the one who pushed him away, she couldn't help wanting to cry each night she was with the triplets while Loki was absent. She missed him—the humor, the friendship, the grumbling about changing a baby's nappy, and the soothing lullabies he learned from watching her. More than anything, she missed his optimism, where he felt that against all odds, they were meant to love each other.
That was now all gone. Loki stayed away every night, and Sigyn had only herself to blame. She wanted to sob herself to sleep each night, but she felt that was selfish. As much as she loathed Angrboda, Sigyn did not relish the thought of crying her heart out for the woman's husband. That was inappropriate regardless of how much she loved Loki. One night after Sigyn had finally gotten Hela to sleep - the baby girl did not like falling asleep unless both Sigyn and Lodi were present- it was time to relax.
Sigyn laid herself down on the cot outside the nursery, falling into a thick slumber after mentally torturing herself with thoughts of how much she missed Loki and craved his company. Sometime long after falling asleep, a thump woke the young woman up. The noise was not loud enough to wake the children, but it was a decent enough sound that made Sigyn realize someone was now inside Loki's quarters.
But upon glancing towards the hallway door, she spotted no one. That was very peculiar. Sigyn slowly syood, spotting on a dial that it was far too early for the morning nanny to be around. The next sound that occurred was a wheezing gasp followed by a slight stumbling noise. Maid? Guard? None of the above...? Sigyn did not know where Loki was off to each night, but she assumed the library given that was his natural habitat outside of his tower.
Sigyn poked her blonde head into the hallway to see that there was a figure half standing yet half slumped against the wall. The figure was gasping, apparently trying hard to stand without falling. The person failed. Taking one foot in front of the other, the individual fell to his knees. It was a he, that much was shown. It was then that Sigyn realized there was a shirtless man in Loki's hallway. A barely clothed man that was terribly broken and bruised as large bloody welts covered his back and legs in thick patches. It took the man struggling to stand before falling once more before Sigyn discovered it was Loki. With wide eyes she rushed to his side, barely able to comprehend how broken he was. His pale lips shined with scarlet red, courtesy of his obviously vomiting blood. His jet-black hair was messy while it looked someone held him by the roots to punch him in the face repeatedly.
But it was his left hand that looked worse than all his wounds. It was obviously broken judging by the dark bruising. But it was the fourth finger of Loki's left hand that looked horrific. It was snapped in half. The bone sticking straight through the pale skin of his.
"Loki!" Sigyn nearly sobbed, dismayed to find him in such a condition. "What has happened to you??"
He looked barely able to register that anyone was around him. Once he spotted it was truly Sigyn who found him, he cringed. Loki released a wheezing gasp, his teeth bloody as he slowly smiled. "I have d-done it," he croaked, looking on the verge of grinning. He looked out of his mind mad. That was the only explanation for his jubilant attitude in the face of such horrific injuries. "What in the underworld are you referring to??" Sigyn hissed, falling to her knees to steady him before he fell as he tried to stand.
"I have p-proven who my heart b-belongs to." Loki smiled triumphantly, still looking beyond dazed.
Sigyn stared at him. He looked broken and yet smug, propelling her not to know what he was referring to. "Loki, please, please tell me, whose wrath did you encounter??"
"My adoptive father," Loki rasped, his broken grin broadening.
"Odin? Why in the realms would he beat you to a bloody pulp...??"
"I became a man," Loki murmured, looking drunk from how badly he wobbled on his knees. "I divorced my wife. Therefore, I needed the all-father's blessing to end a royal marriage."
There was so very much wrong with these words that Sigyn did not know where to start. "And where exactly does leaving you, half dead come into effect??" That was what he looked; half dead on the door of Hades himself! Loki's skin was nearly translucent pale. He resembled a ghost or a demonic deity that haunted children's nightmares in fairytales. His scarlet red blood shined against his skin, making the scene much more graphic given how pale and sickly he looked.
"Odin always h-has enjoyed beating his children and whores," Loki murmured, staring into space. He was not exaggerating. Although the king had been infamous to only beat his children when they annoyed him or offended his honor, he had so many offspring he was often enough beating someone on a regular basis. Even Sigyn's father -in the privacy of his own home when he felt only Sigyn's mother was present- referred to the king as a cold bastard who enjoyed inflicting pain in horrific manners.
"He offered me a bargain. S-stay married, remain whole," Loki shivered, "or, divorce, and face the horror that Odin, Laufey, and Svadilfari deemed acceptable for my treachery."
Sigyn took his battered blue cheeks to hold in her hands. He was not blue cheeked for being descended from Frost Giants; his face was such a color from his decorating bruises. Black and blue highlighted his cheeks, scaring Sigyn horribly. It did not escape her that Loki was also practically naked, horrid welts covering every ounce of his body.
She had no thought or care given his near nakedness, Sigyn's only thoughts were towards caring for Loki in his horrid state. He was beaten all over his body, causing her to cringe in horror. "They transformed me into a mare," Loki muttered, shivering some more.
A female horse. Why would they transform Loki into a mare...Unless...
Sigyn did not push matters for she suspected his tale went to a very dark place especially where Svadilfari was concerned. All the young woman could do was cry softly as she held her very best friend against her. Loki slowly seemed to realize who it was who was holding him. He winced heaving, taking Sigyn into his bloody arms in a bid to calm her. "Do not cry my darling, please do not...There are many things I can handle in this world, but seeing your tears is not among them."
Hefaced a horrific punishment that was so very monstrous that Sigyn suspectedeven the devil himself would not bestow upon someone. Sigyn tried to halt hertears as her chin wobbled. She could not. Her bottom lip trembled as she triedto resist sobbing on his behalf. The fact that in this broken state Loki wasworried for her was far too much. "Shh..." Loki soothed, holding hertightly against him. "Please, do not cry..."
"I h-h-hate your father and adoptive father...I-I hate them all."
"I would go through all the pain of this last fortnight overagain," Loki revealed, groaning as Sigyn made a rough movement accidentlythat disturbed his injuries. He recovered, holding her tighter againsthim. "I would sit in the hole that the gods buried Typhon and hismonsters if it meant I was able to show you..." Loki rasped, a bloody handcaressing the back of Sigyn's head. "S-show me w-w-what?"
Loki grinned cheekily; his handsome face still roughly beaten. "Show youthat I divorced Angrboda and went against the wishes of everyone to prove toyou what you mean to me." Sigyn, puffy eyed and still trying not to crygaped at the man who held her. "Actions speak louder than words,correct...?"
Sigyn trembled against him, unable to believe that he spent weeks being beatenand tortured solely to escape an arranged marriage on her behalf. Who wouldtake such a thing on...? "You..." she whispered hoarsely."Y-y-you did this t-to show me..."
Loki nodded gingerly, nearly looking as though he were about to faint fromshock. He made Sigyn focus on his strong gaze. "To show that you aremy forever and always. It does not matter how much time passes between you andI, there will never be another person I love more than you."
Sigyn held him close, snuggling into the crook of his bloody neck. Sheshuddered as his cold mouth placed small, bloody kisses onto her warm neck."Forever and always...?" She whispered, not being able to helpbelieving they were meant to have that long.
Loki squeezed her tighter against his battered body, nearly trembling as heheld her close. "It does not matter how much time shall pass; I willalways love you with all my heart."
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