By the end of the week we were back into a routine. Sleeping safe and sound with friends. The villa felt so much better than a cramped hotel room and we were more organised with going out to dinner with friends than usual. We would spend more time chilling out at the Villa on the patio than at the bar. The only problem was... we were getting no privacy to do what was ‘new for us’ but we couldn’t tell the others. They were settled into coupledom and had sex once a week if lucky. Not that it mattered any way as mother nature was due a visit. I could have carried on my pill and skipped a month but I didn’t want to risk a migraine so held up the packet to James and said ‘this is the last one’. He was brushing his teeth and sort of nodded. He seemed relieved which I thought was strange but decided I was being paranoid and brushed it aside.
When he came out he asked if it was a weeks break as he couldn’t remember. I nodded and he seemed proud of himself for remembering, but all that flashed in my mind was him with another woman who had used the pill because they were in love and having sex. Jealousy gripped my heart and I felt ashamed of my reaction, it was so childish. I had ex’s too and they meant nothing to me anymore. I wondered if he still saw his ex and planned to ask him. There was something about his ex that was niggling me. Would I have to see her when we went back, did they share the same friends, would she be out if we went to a wedding together etc.
Usually after a day of drinking and eating with friends we would check what was happening with our stolen luggage and any update on Emily, so we were exhausted. I fell asleep on the sun lounger whilst James was off chilling with the guys. He had been doing this most days, playing golf, tennis, fishing etc.
I knew there was a chance he had gone fishing to sneakily check up on some of my research but we couldn’t mention it here. He didn’t say anything when he got back so I knew there was nothing to tell.
I still hadn’t worked the ‘ex’ into the conversation. I had mentioned it to my sister on our last call and she had told me not to, as it would be picking at old wounds. Leave it be. I didn’t listen and put my foot in it big time.
“Can I ask you a something?” I asked as I poured wine into glasses and James popped open some beers to take out to the lads.
“Mmm,” he replied.
“Do you still see your ex?” there it was done, I had asked.
He looked stunned. “What?”
“I was just wondering if you still see her or speak to her,” I shrugged as though it didn’t mean anything but I was hanging on his every word.
“Yeah,” he replied and picked up the drinks.
“What... yes?” I said putting a hand on his arm to stop him. I was stunned.
“Yeah,” he said and walked forward.
“How often?” I called out.
He sighed and shook his head annoyed, as he walked out with the drinks. I watched his entire body go from chilled to stressed. He avoided me all night and when I finally got him to myself at bedtime he was either monosyllabic or mute.
“Can we talk?” I asked as we undressed.
“No,” he replied.
“Why not?”
He didn’t answer.
“Is this because I asked about your ex?”
He sighed annoyed.
“I was only asking if she was still in your life and you said yes, so I asked how and you’ve ignored me ever since. Why?”
He walked into the bathroom closing the door. I tutted and got ready for bed. He’s behaving like a child!
When he came out I was in bed, turned on my side with the blankets almost over my head and wondering if I was going to get any sleep, as I knew I wasn’t getting answers. I felt him climb in the bed and turn on his side away from me, reaching to turn the light off.
I hardly slept a wink so got up just before 5:00am and went for a walk on the beach. I sat there watching the waves and feeling the warmth of the sun taking the chill out of the air.
“Hey,” James said joining me. I looked at him briefly. “I thought we could talk.”
I didn’t say anything just sat, hugging my knees to me with my chin resting on them.
“I don’t like talking about Hayley,” oh great now she had a name. “It was a difficult break up and I still care for her...”
“You still care for her?” it was a like a knife to the chest.
“Yes,” his eyes told me ‘more than care’.
“Love her?”
He shrugged but also sort of nodded.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, was I having a nightmare!
“What the hell are you doing with me when you are still in love with your ex?” I asked feeling my blood run cold and tears stinging my eyes.
“I’m moving on,” he said as though it made it ok.
“Moving on! In other words you are using me to get over your ex?” I said standing up in anger.
“Not ‘using’, just trying to be with someone else.”
“Trying, rebounding more like! Your ex ‘cheated’ on you.”
“I know, but that was a mistake.”
“Oh so now you are making excuses for her! Don’t tell me it wasn’t her fault, your friend just trip and his dick fell in her as he landed on top of her.”
He rolled his eyes annoyed, “That is not what happened, I was...”
“I don’t want to hear you make excuses for her and what happened, or is happening in your fucked up relationship. You have used me James.”
“I didn’t.”
“You are in love with someone else! If my heart wasn’t fragile enough you just shattered it. How dare you lead me on with talk of falling in love with each other, when you have no heart to give.”
“I do!”
“No, you love your ex. What the hell am I on about, she is not even your ex.”
“She is.”
“Bullshit!”
“It’s not, she knows we are together!”
“How!”
“I told her.”
“We got together here on holiday. How have you told her?” the penny dropped. “All those calls that I think are from your sister are from her aren’t they.”
“No all of them.”
I felt my heart stop.
“I can’t believe I actually fell for you...” I ran off crying.
“Mel, wait.”
“Don’t follow me. Go home to your ‘friend fucking’ ex.”
“Mel calm down,” he said running in front of me to stop me.
I slapped his face.
“Stay away from me!” I screamed. “You have just made me feel dirtier than my ex ever did.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“You are still with her in whatever fucked up capacity it is. That makes me the other woman!”
“No you’re wrong, we are the couple. Not me and Hayley.”
“We are NOT a couple. Either way you look at it, one of us is the other woman and you are a heartless bastard for dragging me into it.”
“I am being honest with you. You asked me if I still see her and I do, every day as she works...”
“I don’t want to know. This has nothing to do with me anymore. Take your fucked up little romance and shove it up your arse!”
“Mel, please. We can be arguing in front of everyone.”
“We won’t. I am going to tell them we have split up.”
“No, you can’t do that! Emily could be here soon.”
“I saw her on my own before, I will do it again. This time I won’t leave her behind.”
“Please just think about what you are doing.”
“I am! And I am not going to used by you anymore. Your whole speech the other night on how scary falling in love is, the way you stroked my face and gazed at me lovingly... you sucked me right in. I gave you my heart and I’m ashamed of myself for it. What a fool! An absolute fool. How am I going to be able to look myself in the mirror knowing I’ve been used again? I told myself to trust you, that there was no way you could hurt me as you had been cheated on. I even convinced myself that we were in love... oh my god the shame!” I stormed off.
“I do care about you,” he said trying to get in front of me again.
“Don’t say that, don’t you ever say that.”
“Can we just sit down and talk, please for Emily’s sake?”
“Don’t you use her against me!”
“I’m not, it’s just we came here as a couple...”
“No we didn’t. You told people we were a couple because you are an idiot!”
“Yes but it worked. That waitress had photos. Who knows if she told anyone she gave them to us. That could have been why the room was turned over. Stealing clothes doesn’t add up. It was a cover to look for the pictures. Please don’t jeopardise this for the sake of pride.”
“Pride! I had no pride to begin with. Being with you made me feel proud but it was all smoke and mirrors!”
“I’ve already told you it wasn’t. I care about you and I want to be with you.”
“LIES! How can you stand there and lie to my face?”
“I’m not. I want you us to be a real couple.”
“Not a chance! I told myself that I would never be used by a man again. That I would only sleep with a guy who wanted ‘me’. Instead I get a guy who tells me his ex cheated on him and I fall for it! You want me to be with you, tell me when was the last time you spoke to her?”
He didn’t answer.
“It was before this conversation wasn’t it.”
He nodded.
“So you are in the sort of relationship where she will answer the phone to you all hours of the day. Speak to each other several times a day and you still ‘care’ for her. When I asked you if you loved her you didn’t deny it. In other words you are still together but not ‘officially’ back together.”
“We’re not together.”
“You’ve had ex-sex, I am not stupid.”
“No we haven’t.”
“Kissed her.”
He sighed.
“That is a yes then. Did she try to make it up to you with a blowie or hand job?”
His face said it all.
“Was she the friend whose car broke down on the way to the airport?”
“No.”
“Do you know what I am sick of this already. I have turned into Sherlock Holmes and it really shouldn’t matter that much as we were hardly together anyway.”
“Stop talking about us in past tense. I am not with her. I will call her now and prove it to you.”
“Oh so you can run over whatever story you made up before this conversation.”
“I have not cheated on you, we got together on this holiday. I haven’t seen Hayley...”
“You’ve spoke to her!”
“Yeah because she works at the builder merchants and I am...”
“Not every conversation is about timber, don’t lie to me.”
“I didn’t say that. Can we please just have a rationale conversation? I am not with Hayley. I want to be with you.”
“There is not a snowballs chance in hell of that happening.”
“Ok fine,” he said looking upset at the idea. I kicked myself for noticing it. “Can we at least go back to faking it, everyone else will be gone soon and we will be on our own.”
“You’ve been faking it all along,” I said.
“I haven’t.”
“Bull!”
“Please don’t let my niece suffer because of my mistakes.”
I looked up as I noticed the change in his voice. He was nearly crying. It reminded me of the ‘guilt’ we shared. His, for not going on the holiday, where he would have been there to carry her on his shoulders to the car and mine for not recognising her. Two mistakes, and now we were making more.
We stood in silence until I made a decision.
“I will do it for her sake, not to appease your guilt or mine. We are not together. We are never getting back together. I do not want to see or speak to you after this holiday, is that clear?”
“Yeah,” he replied hanging his head in shame.
“Once everyone is gone I will move into the other room. I don’t want to go out for meals with you or walks on the beach.”
“Won’t that look suspicious?”
“I said ‘I don’t want’ to, not that I won’t do it for her. I suppose what I am trying to say is I would be grateful if you didn’t touch me like you did last time we were faking it. Don’t ever kiss me or stroke my hair, anything like that,” I said sending fresh tears down my face as I pulled the image of that night by the bed into my head. How foolish had I been to think he loved me. I was so furious with myself.
“I will sleep on the couch until they go.”
I nodded.
“I’m sorry.”
“Not as sorry as I am,” I said and turned to walk down the beach. Alone and heartbroken.