Sutton licked her bottom lip nervously as she settled on the couch. Tony had led her out of the lab into a sitting room, and she'd followed on shaking legs. As she'd suspected the other's had been causally loitering just before the lab doors and at least had the decency to look sheepish as Tony gestured for them to follow.
Now they were all seated in the lounge off the lab and Sutton was starting to feel the beginnings of regret. A small relief was that they at least weren't all lined up in front of her like this was an interrogation of sorts. Pepper and Tony sat on the couch with her, Pepper gripping Tony's hand, and Natasha and Steve sat in adjacent overstuffed chairs. Sutton curled up her legs underneath her and clenched her teeth behind her lips. They waited.
How did one even start explaining what she'd gone through? Her lips felt sealed together as her stomach churned again. She regretted even eating the eggs that morning. There was still time for her to back out, to backpedal and run and keep the truth all locked up for a time longer. She knew she could run out now and there'd be little they could do to stop her. They would probably even let her go. But what if she did that? What then?
She'd still be selfish. A coward. A liar, her mind supplied.
Nothing would change. And Tony had a point, although she hated it. She wasn't able to shove what had happened aside and ignore it. The truth of what happened was corroding her from the inside. It followed her like a shadow and chewed on her bones like rust on iron.
Sutton took a deep breath and let it shuddering out. She almost wished there was some sort of background music or television on. But that was just another distraction.
"I lied," she finally said. "Or, rather, I didn't tell you everything. But you probably already knew- anyway. I, um, I ended up one other place."
She took another deep, hitching breath and closed her eyes.
"After I left the Doctor, I woke up in a hospital. There were these holo screens and glowing lights and for a second I thought maybe- maybe I was back. But I wasn't. I-it, I was in Star Trek, on earth." She opened her eyes and forced out a dry laugh. "And it was great, because they don't use money, so I could eat whenever. But I-I made a really s-stupid mistake."
She saw his face in her mind and his name sat heavy on her tongue. At her hesitation, Tony reached over and squeezed her hand. Sutton shot him a dry smile before letting go and curling up a bit tighter on the couch.
"I was walking down the street when I saw... saw...Khan. And I didn't even think! I was just so surprised and scared, I just blurted out his name. I didn't think he'd hear me from that far! I just didn't think."
The room was quiet as Sutton attempted to maintain her breathing at an even level and not start stammering. Steve leaned over closer to Natasha and mouthed, "who?"
Natasha kept her voice low.
"Homicidal super soldier."
Steve paled slightly and nodded sharply.
Sutton decided she didn't need to get into details. A vague outline would be best, and would be faster. Given Tony's clenched jaw and distant gaze, details wouldn't help anyone. Least of all herself, if she were being honest.
"He found out I was different. He knew that I knew things."
Her voice cracked a little on the last word and she cleared her throat. When she spoke again her voice had shrunk even smaller than it was before.
"I didn't want to tell him anything. Obviously. Y-you know; I didn't even want to tell you guys anything. But, um. He- I, uh. Augh." She paused. "He... made me."
Pepper made a distressed sound in the back of her throat and Tony clenched his eyes shut. Her nails were digging into her palms as she tried to blink her eyes dry. She couldn't break down during this story. It had happened weeks ago anyway. Was it weeks? If felt like years ago and yesterday all at once.
The room was too quiet. Sutton avoided eye contact with everyone, but she could still see the stiff way they sat in their chairs and the way Pepper rubbed Tony's knuckles with her thumb.
"I messed up," she whispered. "I should've- I should've just let him-"
She put her elbows on her knees and buried her head in her hands, letting her hair fall to hide her face. The true confession was pressing at the backs of her teeth.
"It was me or an entire universe, and I- I ...picked me."
Sutton lifted her head, true tears falling unstoppably now and felt heated shame rise into her face. Words bubbled up unbidden.
"I tried to fix it! He knew too much, but no one would listen to me! I told them! I tried, but I'm not- not smart or strong like you guys, and- t-this imagination thing is tricky. I took out his guns, but... he got his crew. He got away. He was supposed to be caught. They were supposed to win. And now- now," Sutton pressed the edge of her palm to the corner of her mouth as she worked to keep her voice even. "Now I don't even know what's happening. I changed everything."
Her eyes cut over to Tony. His face looked ashen.
"I should have just went to prison. I should have just listened to the Doctor."
"But that's not what happened," Natasha cut in gently. "You can't live your life on "should have"s. You'll always be where you are now if you do that."
Sutton's gaze darted over to Natasha as her brow furrowed. How was she supposed to ever not be here? There would never be closure for her. There'd never be an answer; she'd always wonder. And what was she supposed to do? Move on? Forget what she'd done to them? She was just as apt to do that as she was to move on from leaving her family behind without so much as a goodbye.
"How-"
Tony stood from the couch in one swift movement and marched from the room on stiff legs without a word. Something in her chest snapped and she choked back cry as she watched him walk away.
You knew he'd hate you, a voice in her head whispered. You deserve this.
But, oh did it hurt. She had expected it from Steve, because Steve was so good and he'd probably known men a hundred times more determined and upstanding in the war. But Tony... well, she'd just hoped that maybe he'd been telling the truth. That he wouldn't leave. Her chest continued to ache and she bit harshly on her lower lip as she curled up further into the couch. Pepper quickly patted her leg before getting up.
"It's not you, Sutton," she said. "Just give him a minute to work through this."
She got up and followed Tony's path out of the room. All Sutton wanted to do now was crawl out of the room unnoticed and hide away for the rest of her life. She still wouldn't look at Steve. If she avoided seeing his expression, it was like Pavlov's Cat. She could pretend.
No, no, no. She couldn't keep pretending! She couldn't keep trying to shield herself with lies. Might as well face it quick. Like ripping a bandaid off in one pull. Sutton took another hitching breath and snapped her head up to face Natasha and Steve; her teeth clenched together to keep her chin from quivering. She blinked some more and wiped at her eyes with her sleeve. Both Natasha and Steve were staring at her, and it was difficult to make out the meaning of their expressions. She still didn't know them quite well enough to be able to read them so easily. Perhaps contemplative. Maybe sad, or disappointed; she couldn't tell the difference.
"I'm not proud of what I did," she said lowly. "I know what I should've done. But I can't undo it."
Natasha stood and Sutton watched warily as the woman made her way to the couch and sat down next to her. Sutton stared up at Natasha; her eyes were still watery so Natasha looked a bit blurry around the edges, but she forced herself to look up at her face all the same. Natasha reached out slowly and held her face in her hand.
"I can't really say I'm one to talk about choosing the many over myself. And while I think it's admirable that you're taking responsibility for your actions, I think you do need to remember you were a victim too. You didn't deserve what happened to you."
Sutton's face crumbled and she swayed forward into Natasha; the woman held her while she worked to control her breathing. It seemed the crying, at least, she had mostly under wraps.
Whatever little of her remaining dignity that spared her.
Natasha's hand ran over Sutton's curls and Sutton shuddered as she forced herself back up into a seated position. Her core was hollow and, while she felt a bit lighter with the truth out, she still felt like she'd have to scrape herself off the ground in order to leave. Steve cleared his throat and Sutton's eyes were forcibly drawn towards him. His opinion shouldn't matter so much, shouldn't feel like it could break her, but she cared about him. And he was Captain America. He'd always make the right decision, wouldn't he?
No, no; stop that. He's human too. Don't put him on a pedestal.
She couldn't do that to him. She shouldn't do that to any of the Avengers anymore.
"I'm sorry," he said. He clenched his hands together before releasing them and pushing down on his knees. Sutton gnawed at the inside of her cheek as his brow furrowed. "But I'm glad you told us. No one should have to bear that alone."
Sutton forced out a light, amused huff and dabbed at her eyes. Steve shifted slightly in his seat.
"But," he continued, "maybe you could try having a little more faith in the people of that universe? You said your belief affects them, right? If you believe they can beat him, maybe they'll have a better chance."
Sutton froze, her expression flickering between awe and weary realization.
"Of course," she said, her voice edging towards a higher octave. "Obviously; yeah. Why didn't I think of that."
She meant it too; a spike of self focused anger flared through her at how ridiculous and stupid she was being. She'd allowed herself to become so sleep deprived and frazzled that simple solutions were having to be handed to her. Sutton grit her teeth.
Steve opened his mouth to reply, but she beat him to the punch. There was only so much humiliation she could take in one day.
"I think I just need to get some actual sleep," she said in a rush. "I think I'm going to take a nap. Um, thank you, for the advice. And for, uh, listening."
She ducked her head down and darted for the door as quickly as she was able. From the corner of her eye she saw Steve stand and Natasha put a hand on his shoulder.
The hall was empty and silent save for the clipping of her shoes on the tile. She felt like she'd fished a splinter out from underneath her nail. Relieved that it was done, but ultimately still in pain.
"Tony will-he'll talk to someone now," she reassured herself. "He'll get better."
Even if he never spoke to her again.
Sutton shook her head; he would. Pepper wouldn't lie to her. Maybe he just needed some space to process everything. She needed some space now too.
Her room was empty and silent when she finally reached it. She shut the door behind her and staggered over to the bed, flopping down onto her face and curling her knees up to her stomach. If she could only sleep, for just a few hours, without seeing flames, or his face, or planets imploding, maybe she could start recovering.
Sutton said a quiet prayer for no nightmares as she clamped her eyes shut and gripped a pillow.
[]
"I'm sorry," Natasha said with a shake of her head. "But you're not an Avenger. You never were."
Sutton took an unsteady step backwards, trying not to let the sting the words gave her show on her face.
"I know," she snapped in defense. "I know I messed up, but I tried-"
"Did you," Tony asked. He came around a desk and glared at her. "Because I lasted a lot longer in that cave without giving up any secrets."
Steve sighed off in the corner and Sutton dug her nails into her palm.
"Sorry, Sutton," he said. "But none of us were ever friends. You don't belong in the Tower."
She felt bruised and beaten again, her knee throbbed.
"You wouldn't-" The words were thick and got caught up around her tongue. "Steve would never say- No."
She squeezed her eyes shut then forced them back open. The people around her shimmered and disappeared; Sutton stiffened as she was enveloped in darkness again. She looked down at her hands and then around at the void, something tickling at the back of her mind until the knowledge came and grew into a sharp focus. With fists at her side she glared into the darkness.
"Where are you? I want you out of my head!"
Loki materialized before her, not quite smiling but still looking as smug as ever.
"You came to much quicker this time," he said. "Congratulations."
The sight of him was still shocking and unsettling in a deep way. There was more to this than just dream visits. She was lightyears behind him in terms of scheming and with no knowledge of the future anymore, she was more than aware of her stark disadvantage.
"You're alive," she said. "Everyone thinks you're dead, but you can't be. Why couldn't I remember that when I woke up?"
Loki tsked.
"You'd tell on me, and then all the fun would be gone. I can't have that."
"You can't do that," she accused. "That was never-"
"Well you don't quite know the extent of my magic, do you? Did you think your little movies were the law? Surely you should have realized how free our worlds are by now."
He was in her mind for a reason. Loki couldn't be there just to goad her for nothing. It'd be a waste of his time and he didn't seem the kind of person to do things idly.
"What do you want," she asked. "You're not just paying me a visit for old time's sake. If you think I'm helping you after what I just went through, you're a bigger-"
"What if you could help this world?"
Sutton's tirade tittered to a halt and she eyed him warily. Not for one second did she think he was about to say anything truthful, but part of her was curious to see what he'd try to pull.
"What?"
"You seek atonement, do you not? That power you've been misusing could be wielded for good," he said. For once his tone was level, no hints of mocking or cooing. Sutton shifted uncomfortably.
"I'm done interfering with worlds," she said. "I've done enough of that for a lifetime."
"Even if it could mean saving the lives of your friends?"
A chill swept through her mind and Sutton frowned. Something crawled up her spine and curled into her gut.
"What are you saying?"
"Did you think you could traverse universes, meddle as you saw fit, and not draw attention to yourself? Did you really think yourself outside the reach of all other beings? No, you've drawn a target on your own head, Sutton Regan, and there will be those who come to collect."
A terror she hadn't felt since her run in with Khan seized her.
"You're lying. You're trying to scare me so I'll do what you want, but it won't work."
Loki tilted his head to the side, eyes suddenly dark, and she felt like she was seeing him truthfully for the first time. There was a haggardness to his posture, a spark of fear in his eyes that she recognized only because she'd also lived it.
"You have drawn His attention," he said lowly. "As surely as I breathe."
The appropriate question clung to her tongue as she gaped. She didn't want the answer. Behind Loki she saw a flickering purple light almost taking form before a canopy of stars. She shut her eyes tight.
"With your power you could save them all; make Him weak or like He never was."
"No, I can't."
"He'll kill them all and take you as a prize. He will use you to further His own means. It is a matter of survival if nothing else."
Sutton shook her head, forcing her eyes open and sighing in relief that the purple was gone.
"No," she said. "You're lying. I never-"
"The walls between universes are thin, thanks to you," Loki snapped. "If I can sense it I promise you that He is more than aware. If you do nothing, then the blood of the worlds will be on your hands."
Sutton gasped, sickness rose up her throat and she blinked back fresh tears.
"No! You just want me to help you. You're just afraid for yourself!"
"I'd be a fool not to try and use you against Him," Loki agreed easily. "But that doesn't take away from the truth of the matter. If you refuse to act, He will come, He will find you, and He will use you to tear every world apart until there is nothing left."
Sutton clutched at her head, fingers pressing into her temples as she clamped her eyes shut again.
"None of this would have happened if it hadn't been for you. Get out of my head! Get out!"
[]
Sutton snapped her eyes open again. Her vision was hazy for a moment before her room came back into focus and she sat up. Her stomach churned and she felt sick. Her pulse was still beating a mile a minute and she didn't know why. With a groan, she raked her shaking hand through her tangled curls and pushed herself off the mattress.
There had to be a way to get these dreams to stop, even if she'd started forgetting them. For a moment she simply stood still, letting the waves of anxiousness and fear pass before she attempted to do anything else. She still wasn't sure if it was worse to remember the dreams or not, at least when she remembered her feelings made sense and had a source she could point back too.
The clock on her nightstand informed her that she'd only napped for about two hours, and she hoped it was enough to help.
With nothing better to do, she meandered down to the kitchen she saw as her own. It was empty, per usual. Sutton sifted through the food in the fridge, but couldn't quite find anything to her liking. Her stomach felt hollow and queasy, and she just wished she could eat already.
[Miss Regan,] Jarvis said, his voice echoing in the silence. [Mr. Stark wanted you informed when you woke that he is in the common area kitchen. You may join him there if you're feeling well.]
Sutton glanced up at the ceiling, she never did know exactly where to look when addressing the AI.
"Thanks, Jarvis. I, um, I guess I'll head down."
[I'll let him know.]
A sigh escaped her as she fixed her hair and made her way to the elevator. Two hours had been enough time for Tony to calm down, apparently. Her body still felt weak and flushed from the day and her forgotten dream, and she hoped that if Tony wanted to scold her for betraying Star Fleet, he'd save it for the next day. A numbness took the place of all her nerves. Her body just couldn't handle any more anxiety. The whole truth was out now, she had no more secrets. Whatever happened, happened, she supposed. She couldn't control how they felt about her. She couldn't control anything anymore. Not that she ever really had.
Tony was waiting at the island bar when she got to the lab floor. There was an array of sweets set out in front of him, a few cheeseburgers, and two bowls of ice cream. Sutton cocked her head as she eyed it all and then met his gaze.
"Have a seat, Small Fry."
He sounded tired, and a bit of guilt chewed through her numbness at the idea that she'd caused him to sound like that. Silently she moved to the seat next to him and settled into it. The quiet continued and Sutton idly hooked a finger over one of the ice cream bowls and pulled it closer, she fiddled with the spoon while Tony clearly mulled over what he wanted to say.
"I wasn't mad at you." He finally settled on. Sutton paused her poking at the ice cream.
"You can be," she told him quietly. "I'd understand. I did something terrible."
Tony shot her a frazzled look.
"You? You were just telling us how you were-were tortured by some madman, and you still want to take all the blame? You think I'd be mad at you for that?"
Sutton sighed, took a bite of ice cream to stall and found that it actually tasted sweet. After swallowing the bite she dug at the ice cream again, smashing it down into valleys and carving out crevices.
"You went through the same thing," she pointed out. "But you were stronger, better than me. I did what I did because I- well, I just did it. I can't pretend I didn't do it to save myself from... him."
"No," he objected. "I should have found you sooner. If I'd been able to mod-"
"Tony, you were working with unprecedented science. How could you have found me any faster? I'm lucky you're so smart. Anyone else and I'd probably still be out there."
"I should have followed my gut instincts and looked into this before it was too late. I knew your molecular structure was possibly unst-"
"I should have had my symptoms checked sooner-"
"How could-"
Sutton suddenly burst out laughing, dropping her spoon down on the counter and snorting until her sides started to hurt.
"My gosh," Tony admonished. "You've finally lost it. We broke you."
"Look at us," she wheezed while wiping at her eyes. "We both want it to be our own fault so bad."
Tony blinked, then snorted. Then they were both laughing, leaning on the counter for support and surrounded by junk food like it was some sappy sleepover movie. When they'd finally calmed back down, Tony had to wipe at his own eyes and he sighed to himself.
"Aw, kid," he quipped, "I think I've been rubbing off on you too much."
She smiled lopsidedly at him and felt something warm heat up her chest, and it wasn't the arc reactor. She was overcome with an overwhelming fondness for him. It was the type of consuming feeling that makes your arms twitch and starts a hum in your throat. Sutton stood from her stool and gripped him in a hug.
Her aversion to contact at one moment and then hunger for it in the next didn't make sense to her, but right now she wanted it. He was as close to family as she'd had in her year here and she clung to that with a desperation she'd not fully acknowledged.
"Really, thank you for saving me," she said into his shoulder. He hugged her back and he didn't hate her and the ice cream didn't roil in her stomach. One beat, two, and then she decided not to hold back on the words she really wanted to say. She hadn't said them to anyone in so long.
"I love you, Tony."
They pulled apart and he looked down at her in curiosity; she rolled her eyes a bit while glancing back towards the bowl of ice cream.
"Not in a weird way." She tried to backpedal. "I mean-"
Tony grinned at her.
"I always knew I was your favorite," he said. Sutton pegged him with an unamused glower that didn't hold any weight and sat back down.
"Hey, kid." She looked up, eyebrow already quirked at the wry look on his face. "I love you too. Now help me eat some of this, will ya? It actually took me awhile to set it all up."
Sutton couldn't suppress her grin. He pushed a cheeseburger over towards her and she tentatively unwrapped the paper before hesitatingly taking a bite. She closed her eyes as she chewed and sighed silently.
The burger was delicious.