People used to say seventeen was a magical number. It was the age your life was just beginning, so full of opportunity and discovery.
I remember my friends being eager to begin the next chapter of their lives, getting ready to finish school and step out into the real world.
Some would go to university, some would travel, some would have scholarships and others would dive straight into jobs that they had been waiting for their whole lives.
We were ready, and we hungered for what awaited us outside of the school gates in the real world. To chase our dreams, achieve our goals, fall in love and make something of ourselves.
I was the same. I had a supportive family, a great boyfriend, and was at the beginning of a modelling career I only ever envisioned in my wildest dreams. Then all of that changed.
My name is Troye Evans, and my life is not just beginning.
It's starting again.
***
I turned the key in the lock to the door of my apartment that I shared with my best friend, Jack Chase. Work was finished for the day and though I was exhausted, I was glad that the studio had been busy today. It meant my mind was occupied and I didn't have time to think about other things.
It was pouring rain outside, not that I minded. I loved the rain. It brought a sense of serenity to the world that just couldn't be achieved in other ways.
Stepping over the threshold, I shook my damp hair and took off my boots, hanging up my wet coat. All the work my stylist had done today was washed away by now.
"Troye? Is that you?" I heard Jack call and a moment later he entered the room. "Hey."
"Hey," I smiled at him. "How was work?"
He shrugged. "It was alright. Nothing new, really."
I nodded in response. Jack worked at the same company I do, only he's a talent scout. Jack's job was to go out and look for new, fresh and young talent; someone who was born to model. In other words, while I spent most of my time in front of the camera, Jack was looking for someone to join me in its frame.
I had been offered my job when I was only seventeen years old. Although, my boyfriend Cameron was the one who really got me to go for it in the first place. Ever since I could remember I had loved photography and the concept of being able to capture something so beautiful.
However, it wasn't the actual photo that entranced me. It was the people in it. I adored the way that simple movements could cause such a different effect on the photo.
How the sun could hit someone just right and make them look like a shadow, or the way the beauty of a person could be captured even with a black and white photograph. It enraptured me completely.
When Cam learned of my adoration for photography, he jumped straight onto the idea. Knowing how much I loved to model, when he heard about a company hosting a competition he immediately made me enter it.
Thea, one of my closest friends who was a photographer, shot photos of me and sent them in. They looked amazing and with a little of her magic touch, the company contacted me and told me how much they loved the photos.
Winning the competition, I went on to start an internship at the company - to my absolute astonishment. By the end I was offered a full time position and I hadn't even finished school yet. It was not an opportunity many people were handed in life but that was just my luck.
And then that luck was ripped from me in every way possible.
Walking into our shared kitchen, I pulled a fast food menu out of the cupboard. "I'm starving. Do you want to order in tonight?"
Jack nodded and sat down at the kitchen bench with his laptop. I made the call before going to sit next to him. Jack was browsing through a list of profiles for potential models. I watched with interest as he made little comments on each profile for review.
"What do you think of this kid?" Jack questioned as he pulled a profile up on the screen and turned it towards me. "He was recommended to me by one of the guys today."
My eyes grazed over the screen as Jack flicked through the photos of the young male. They were good, almost too good. This kid was definitely very photogenic.
There was photos of him in sunlight, some black and white and others with minimalist shots of the boy adorned in different attires. Another file contained photos of the boy holding different expressions including smiling, brooding, teasing and a handful with his eyes closed. There were even some slightly erotic ones but nothing extreme.
The boy's portfolio was impressive and I nodded. "He's good," I commented. "Very natural."
"That's what I thought." Jack agreed as he stared at the screen. "He's very young though."
I read over the screen where Jack was pointing. He was right, the boy was only sixteen. He lived in this town too.
"Rafael Garcia." I read out loud. "Born in France, moved to the US when he was five. He's French, that's cool."
"Bored with American boys?" Jack teased and I tensed up. Realising his mistake, Jack fell silent. In the sudden dynamic shift, my eyes wandered over Jack's laptop and I noticed one of the tabs he had open.
"What's that?" I inquired, pointing at the screen. "Is that a dating website?"
Jack was quick to snatch his laptop away from me but I pried it off him. "No-Troye-you don't understand. It's-" He sighs. "Yes, it's a dating website."
"Why do you have this?" I asked. "Since when do you go on dating websites? I thought you hated this stuff."
I read over the screen. It was very 'happy' looking with photos of supposed couples and their glee with meeting each other online.
"It's not for me." Jack whispered and I looked up. "Come again?"
Jack looked at me guiltily. "I just wanted to help you."
I looked closely at the screen and realised he was in the middle of setting up an account. For me.
"Jack." I whispered in horror as I stared at the information written out. "I can't. Why would you do this?"
Jack's guilty expression worsened as he looked at me. "Troye, it's been three years."
I sighed miserably. "I know."
Jack gave me a serious look, "I know you're not grieving anymore but when are you going to move on? It's okay for you to meet other guys, you know."
I looked down at my hands. I hadn't dated anyone in three years. Not since Cameron. I couldn't, it didn't feel right.
"I'm fine." I whispered. "I just don't have the time right now."
"That's a terrible excuse and you know it." Jack replied. "You have a job with flexible hours. You have more time than you know."
I sighed. I knew Jack would see straight through me. He always does.
"I guess I'm just not ready to yet," I replied honestly, avoiding Jack's gaze. "It doesn't feel right. It probably won't ever feel right to some degree. I mean, we didn't exactly break up? What kind of story is that?"
Jack placed his hand gently over mine. "I can never imagine the pain you went through Troye," he told me. "But I can help you through it. I guess that's why I was trying to do with this website but I was wrong. You'll tell me when you're ready and I'm sorry I didn't wait to find out."
I shook my head and gave him a small smile. "You were just being my friend, Jack." I told him. "I know you don't intend to hurt me or force me to do anything. And, well, maybe,"
"Yeah?"
I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. "Maybe I should try it?"
Jack shook his head. "Troye, it was just a stupid idea of mine. You don't have to do it."
Giving him a small shrug, I said, "You're not forcing me; you're helping me. Maybe this will work and, uh, I don't know. Finally help me move on?"
Jack nodded and opened the laptop again. "Okay, only if you're sure." Jack switched back to the tab where he had been setting up my account.
"Okay," he said after a moment. "So you have to answer some basic questions to get your profile set up. I've already done your name, age, appearance, things like that. Now we just have to do the short answer questions. Ready?"
I nodded and let out a sigh. "Ready."
"Alright," Jack began. "Do you like adventuring?"
"Yes."
"Do you prefer being outdoors or indoors?"
"Outdoors."
"Dream job?"
I gave him an amused look and Jack grinned before continuing.
"Do you want kids?"
"Yes."
"Are you into any kinks?"
I stared at him in surprise and he laughed at my unease. "Sorry, I didn't write the questions." he chuckled innocently.
I sighed and looked down. "Um, I don't know? I've never really-"
Jack let out another laugh. "Oh c'mon, you expect me to believe you've never done anything?"
Looking at him, I didn't say a word and he stopped laughing.
"Oh my God." Jack stated. "You're serious."
I turned my head away and Jack tried hard to hide his surprise, to no avail.
"Sorry, I just always assumed that you and Cam...?"
I shook my head slowly and studied my hands. "We never did. I wanted to but Cam wanted me to wait until I was older so I knew I was making the right decision."
Jack sat beside me, gobsmacked. "I didn't realise." he said apologetically. "I just always assumed you two had."
Wanting to forget the moment, I reached past Jack for the laptop, "What's the next question?"
It was very late at night by the time we finished setting up my account on the website. Our barely-touched containers of food sat cold on the counter and I was still in my work attire, wet hairspray starting to make my hair wilt from its hairstyle to the point it was falling in my eyes.
I yawned and stretched my arms out in front of me. Jack noticed and closed the laptop with a tired look on his face. "I think we've had enough of that for one night." he said with a drowsy smile. "I'm going to take a shower."
He left the room and with nothing else to do, I opened Jack's laptop once more and browsed through the dating website.
It still didn't feel right, moving on. Part of me suspected that somehow it would always feel a little wrong. It felt like I was cheating on Cam and he couldn't do anything about it. Disgusted with myself, I went to close the browser when something caught my eye.
A little red dot had appeared next to the notifications symbol in the corner of the screen. Intrigued, I clicked on it.
'Gabriel Sanchez viewed your profile.'
Intrigued, I clicked on the link that led me to the man's profile. 'Man' was not quite the right word to use however 'boy' didn't seem appropriate either. The guy was extremely good looking and was obviously from a Spanish descent.
His dark tousled hair fit perfectly with his golden, sun-kissed skin. He wore a pair of thick dark glasses over gorgeous dark green eyes; however, they didn't make him look any less unattractive as one might think.
In fact, they made him look even more appealing. I couldn't stop staring. He would make an incredible model.
With a brief glance at his basic biography information, I learned that he attended an art school in Manhattan, loved hiking and the outdoors, his hobbies included water skiing, reading contemporary literature, playing with his niece and nephew and volunteering at a local children's hospital in his spare time.
His parents were Spanish but he was born and raised in America, having only visited Spain a handful of times in his life.
Looking closer, he was single and looking for someone who could match his love for life and the world around him as well as commit to a serious relationship.
He was gorgeous. My heart thundered in my chest and I momentarily forgot about Cam. My pointer hovered over the 'Send Message' button but I was too nervous to go ahead with it.
I had only ever dated one person in my life and they had been the one to ask me out. The one to get to know me first and to start the conversation the day we first met.
It wasn't as if I never made any effort in our relationship, but Cam was the one who started it in the first place. I had never asked anyone out before and didn't know the protocol.
Fortunately for me, I didn't have to conflict myself any further as the laptop chimed and a notification alerted me that 'Gabriel Sanchez sent you a message.'
Shaking nervously and trying to control my racing thoughts, I clicked on my inbox and scanned over the message.
Hi, it read. My name is Gabriel. I just saw your profile is new and thought maybe I'd be your first friend on here? If not, that's cool too :)
Surprisingly, his message brought a smile to my face. I was used to receiving attention occasionally due to my job but this was different.
This guy didn't know anything about me, including my occupation. Was it possible he could like me for another reason?
Slow down, Troye, I chided myself when my racing thoughts got the better of me. You don't know anything about this guy. He may not even like you!
Fortunately, I didn't have to overthink it for long as Jack entered the room a moment later with a towel strung around his shoulders. Towelling his hair dry systematically, Jack plopped down into the chair beside me and looked over at the computer in curiosity.
"Wow," he observed. "That didn't take long."
I shrugged, my eyebrows furrowed as I stared at Gabriel's message. "I don't know what to do." I mused aloud. "Should I message him back? What do I say?"
Jack read over the message silently once more before sighing. "It's amazing. You're on here for two seconds and already have an admirer. I've only gotten locations for random hook-ups or the 'you're hot' and 'wanna bang?' messages."
I looked over at my friend in shock. "I thought you didn't use dating websites?"
He shrugged casually. "I thought I'd give it a go."
He pulled out his phone and brought up all the messages he had received on the website. I noticed that he had roughly thirty messages alone just from today. Reading through them, I laughed at some and shuddered at others.
Some were carnal whilst others were more straight forward like Jack had said. There were many that read 'Hey, wanna bang?' or 'You're hot. Give me your number?' I skipped over the ones that went into more detail. Jack watched me the whole time, clearly wanting to see my reaction to each one.
"Wow." I said, repeating his previous line back to him. "They're pretty desperate, don't you think?"
"Yeah, desperate for a quick hook-up. Not an actual relationship." Jack replied, failing to hide the sadness in his voice.
Looking over at him, I saw his despondent expression as he read over his messages again. After living with Jack for two years now, I had grown accustomed to noticing when his mood shifted simply by his body language.
Jack had low self-esteem when it came to himself and his relationships. After his last few ending on a bad note, he was not exactly the most optimistic when it came to new ones.
"Jack," I said gently. "You're amazing. You just have to wait for the right person to see that."
He shook his head. "No one will ever see me, when they see you first."
Confused, I frowned. "What does that mean?"
"It means that in the gym class of life, you're the star athlete and I'm the kid on the side-lines. You're the main course, and I'm the whatever's leftover. I'll always come second to you Troye, don't you get that?"
I couldn't believe what he was saying. Did Jack really think so low of himself that he thought I would outshine him instantly in everything? I prayed that wasn't the case.
"That's not true!" I exclaimed and stood up, forcing Jack to look at me. "You don't really believe that do you?"
"How could I not?"
I was dumbfounded. Why couldn't Jack see how amazing he was? He was intelligent, caring, sweet, kind and, I'll admit, very good looking. Why did he think he came second to me? I would love all those qualities about myself but Jack didn't understand he already possessed them. I repeated my thoughts back to him.
"Jack, you're creative and smart and talented and funny. You're a gentleman and an amazing friend. You're handsome and have an incredible work ethic. You're the best there is at the company and everyone knows it. I wouldn't be who I am without you, so please don't think any less of yourself because you outshine me in every way."
Jack looked into my eyes but I could see through his own that he didn't believe me. "Thanks Troye, you're a good friend." He got up and patted me on the shoulder. "I'm going to bed."
"Goodnight." I mumbled as he left the room. I let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding and closed the laptop, deciding to push all thoughts of Gabriel and his message out of my mind for the night.
After all, I had only been on the site for a few hours; it wasn't as though he was the only other dateable person on there. Potentially.
With a peace of mind, I cleaned up the kitchen and headed to my own bedroom. I ridded myself of the day's work in the shower, including my makeup, hairspray, cologne and body spray, before climbing into bed.
Turning over, I thought of what Jack said in the kitchen. It saddened me that he didn't see nor understand his own self-worth. It wasn't just because I was his friend that I said that, but because I truly see it.
Jack was truly an incredible person who has only been involved with those who didn't deserve his love. Every relationship he'd ever had he'd fallen hard into and they hadn't always felt the same way. It broke my heart to watch but I knew once he found the right person everything would fall into place.
Making a silent promise to myself that I would help Jack understand his own value, I drifted off to sleep.
***
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