Opening his eyes seems impossibly difficult for Matty the following morning, almost as if he has to drag himself through layers of unconsciousness composed of granite that are pressing down around him heavily, refusing to relent even though he needs to move since the position he's gotten himself into isn't all that comfortable.
Matty's tempted to allow sleep to overtake him again, that way he won't have to face anyone for that much longer, but his mind is already churning away rapidly in a manner that Matty knows won't let him drift back off again any time soon, so he forces his lids to open with a weary sigh that starts from the bottom of his toes before making its way out of his lips.
Matty's vision is instantly filled with colored skin that he belatedly recognizes as George's arm which he's apparently been using as a pillow. George is pressed against him from chest to thigh, and although a part of Matty loves the security he finds in his warm embrace, the larger half of him is wracked with another wave of guilt that leaves his eyes damp and stinging.
Matty bites his lip roughly as George shifts in his sleep, trying to ascertain if he can escape before he has another breakdown like the embarrassing scene he was the unwitting star of last night.
Matty hates himself for putting George through that, for being the person that he is, but it had all become too much for him and he'd snapped at the worst possible moment.
It wasn't anything that George had done - of course not, in fact, he'd been perfect, maybe even too much so.
Matty doesn't deserve someone like George in his life, but at the same time, he needs him. Finally having sex with George had been more than Matty could ever have imagined. It was earth-shattering, as cliché as it sounds, but it had also left Matty shaken to his very core.
Last night had only punctuated how awful of a friend Matty is, because George was - is so lovely, so caring. He'd been incredibly gentle with Matty even as he was tearing him apart, and as soon as they had finished, Matty had been buried under the weight of his lies that George is still blissfully unaware of.
Crossing that barrier with George had only reminded him of how much he hides from him, and in typical Matty fashion, he'd become so overwhelmed he'd devolved into sobs that had ruined what had otherwise been a perfect evening.
Matty can't go on like this for much longer, not with how intense things had gotten between them last night. He'd felt as if George had stripped him raw, as if they were connected on a level that transcends any sex he's been a part of, and as incredible as that sensation was, it was also terrifying, leaving Matty exposed and lost once it was all over.
Maybe things would be different if Matty was someone else - someone better, if he didn't deceive George at every turn, if he was worthy of that sort of adoration and care from another person, but he's not.
His descent back into his addictions has proven that to himself, and he refuses to allow anyone else to see how truly abysmal he is underneath the surface, especially not George.
Matty can't ruin things which George, which is contrary to his actions that seem dead set on doing just that.
George understood his attraction to cocaine before, but Matty had never hidden anything from him then - fuck, Matty can't remember the last time he's lied to George, and he knows if he finds out that he's been snorting up behind his back, George will hate him, he'd be an idiot not to. Matty already despises himself for it, but he can't seem to stop.
Matty's fucked now, well and truly trapped by the lure of cocaine. He can barely make it until their next hotel night to get his hands on more, which had inspired him to buy an eight ball from his last hookup which he still has with him hidden away in his things.
John had almost caught him with it the other day when he'd been trying to find a place to stow it where no one would discover it.
It had been stupid of Matty to have it out at all, but with George off on a coffee run, he'd thought it had been the perfect opportunity to do so.
He still isn't sure if John had seen, he hadn't specifically asked him what was in his hand at least, and Matty had quickly stuffed it into his pocket as soon as he'd realized he wasn't alone.
Still - when John had inquired if he was alright, Matty had started crying before he could stop himself, because he wasn't - not even close.
John hadn't pried, he'd simply sat Matty down on the closest bunk and let him weep against his shoulder, listening intently as Matty muttered about how exhausted he was, how thinly stretched he felt, and John had bought his vague excuses just like Matty had been hoping he would.
Matty can't keep up this farce forever though, he'll be found out eventually, if not by George, then by one of the other boys who will tell him instantly.
Matty can't let that happen, but if he's going to avoid the inevitable, he has to stop what he's doing to himself. He's just not sure if he can manage that without George there to ease him through it.
Quitting once had been hard enough. There were times where Matty had wanted to die so he could escape the horrible symptoms of withdrawal, but he'd been in much deeper then, so maybe this time he can handle things without leaning on George as much as he had before.
But to do that, he's got to distance himself from George even more than he already has. The idea alone pains him, but George is clever. He'll figure out soon enough that Matty's not just ill or worn out from touring, so as much as Matty cringes at the thought, he knows he has to pull away from the one person who can give him comfort with his presence alone.
It will just be for a short while after all. Once he's got himself sorted out, he can focus on George again, maybe he'll even try to untangle the mess in his head that is overflowing with more than just his addictions.
Matty can do this - maybe, but he's got to at least try to correct the nasty turn he's taken if he wants to mend the rift that's sprung up between him and George, and to accomplish that, he's got to deal with his own issues first.
Matty gets up carefully now that his mind is set, slowly untangling himself from George's limbs without waking him. He has no idea what time it is, but everyone else appears to still be asleep, so Matty knows he has to take care of this now before they awaken or he loses his courage entirely.
Matty makes his way to his bag with ginger steps, his spine aching fiercely as his bends over to dig through the scattered contents, providing him with a physical reminder of what he had done with George last night, not that he needs one since he knows he'll never forget it.
Matty allows memories of their evening together to flood his mind as his searching fingers close around the baggie he'd stuffed in a sock without a match, focusing on that instead of what he's about to do.
He recalls how George had looked hovering above him, how full he had felt with George's cock in him, pushing away the coiling tendrils of guilt until he remembers nothing besides how incredible everything else had been.
Matty begins to shake when he locks himself in the toilets, his thoughts going blank and scattered as his body protests against his actions.
He's already craving another line, but it seems like he always is lately. Maybe one more before he flushes it all away won't hurt, just to help him maintain an aura of normalcy when George confronts him about last night, which he's sure to do as soon as he wakes up.
Matty tosses the contents in the bowl with a sharp flick of his wrist before he can do anything else idiotic. He's familiar with this train of thought, he knows it doesn't end well, so he removes the temptation of the white powder entirely before he gives into the side of himself that turned him into an addict in the first place.
His heart clenches as he watches the crystals fall, but this is finally a step in the right direction.
Matty's fixing himself, which is something he should have done long ago, so although there is some regret mixing along with the pride he feels, he lets a smile tug at his lips as he flushes the toilet definitively.
~~~
George finds Matty on the sofa almost an hour later with a blanket wrapped around him and a mug of tea clutched in his fist that's gone cold long ago.
Matty's already second-guessing his decision to toss his coke, but he's doing his best to distract himself with some mind-numbing television, the premise of which has slipped past him entirely, but it's background noise, and that is so much better than silence.
George doesn't say anything. He simply seats himself next to Matty, keeping a sliver of space between their bodies that Matty loathes but appreciates all at once.
Matty can't help but picture how they were last night in this exact spot, how good George had looked in the dim lighting, how incredible it had been to have his muscles stretched to their limits as George kissed him like he never wanted to stop, but Matty stows those images away, returning to their present situation which is nowhere near as pleasant as that one.
"Hey," Matty speaks up when George remains silent, his tone emerging in more of a croak than anything else, most likely because of his sobbing fit last night. "You sleep alright?"
George shrugs wordlessly, his adam's apple bobbing heavily when he turns so he can look Matty up and down as if he hasn't seen him in years.
"Not really, was worried about you," George admits, his teeth digging into his bottom lip as Matty shifts guiltily, his spine protesting even the simple movement, sending a quick flare of pain throughout his nerve endings.
"I'm sorry about that, really - I just got a bit overwhelmed I think," Matty mutters quietly, keeping his voice as low as possible so they won't be overheard, if anyone else is even awake that is.
"I thought I'd hurt you," George whispers just as softly, something sharp and agonizing twisting around Matty's insides when he allows himself to meet George's eyes which are glazed over and red-rimmed. "I was so bloody scared."
"You didn't, I promise," Matty assures him, but it doesn't look as if his words are sinking in. If anything, George tenses up even further at his statement. "It was just my head you know, got a bit caught up in everything, and then I sort of snapped. It wasn't you at all, just me being a bit ridiculous, but I'm fine now, honestly," Matty adds on, repeating the speech he'd been attempting to work out all morning, although now that he's saying it aloud, it sounds dismal and pathetic, which is a perfect definition of Matty's emotional state at the moment. "Sorry for the shitty timing and all that."
Matty wants to tell George what is really going on with him, but he can't do that without admitting he's been lying. Still - this feels like another falsity, and when George's face remains stoic and worried, Matty feels debatably worse than he did last night.
"As long as you're okay," George mumbles slowly, his arms crossing over his chest firmly as he peers down at his lap.
"I am George, shit - don't look at me like that," Matty pleads, his chest aching when George turns his head away, the minute action separating them even more, which is what Matty wants, but he hadn't thought it would hurt this much barely an hour after his decision had been made. "I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, and I'm not making any sense, but it wasn't you, I swear."
"You don't have to apologize to me," George sighs, his limbs flexing briefly as he inhales deeply, "but I don't understand what's going on with you, and I want to help."
"You are, just give me some time to figure myself out okay?" Matty punctuates the end of his statement by stretching out across the sofa after setting his cup of tea down, resting his head on George's thigh which is stiff like his muscles have all locked down at once. "I know I'm being a little shit. I'm just confused is all, but it'll work itself out."
Matty's aware that George will most likely assume he's speaking of his sexuality, and he lets him, even though he has no doubt in his mind that he's attracted to blokes as well as women by this point.
Honestly, he thinks being with George is better than all of the sex he's had combined, but it's easier to let George believe that he's still hung up on who he likes instead of allowing him to discover that Matty's referring to something else entirely.
"Take as long as you need," George finally answers, and although he still appears a bit miffed, he relaxes slightly against the cushions, even going so far as to place his hand on Matty's head, twirling the thick curls around his long fingers absentmindedly.
"You aren't upset with me right?" Matty asks without meaning to. He's not an idiot, he can tell that George isn't in the best state, and he's certain it's because of how erratic he's been lately, but he still wants to hear what George's response is.
"Not at all, I'm confused too, maybe even a bit frustrated, but that's okay. Just remember that I'm here for you if you need something - anything."
"I know," Matty nods, hiding his grin in the fabric of George's pyjamas as he continues to play with his hair, his eyes drifting shut again now that he's starting to right everything that's gone wrong lately thanks to his own stupidity.
Things will get better soon, they have to. Matty's determined to quit using, then he can work on removing the tension that's festering between him and George.
As long as Matty doesn't slip up again, all the cracks in his life and his friendship with George will repair themselves over time, he just has to remember that later on when his cravings get worse.
Writing this made me a bit emotional I just love Matty and George so much.
How are you all?
I'm sleepy and gay.
I know I apologize for this all the time but I really am sorry for how long these chapters take me to get up but I always appreciate everyone for being so wonderful about waiting and I promise I won't forget about this story even if it seems like I have.
Also I recently posted a new oneshot to my misc. oneshot book that's basically my take on the Robbers music video. I'm really proud of how it turned out if you want to give it a read.
Votes and comments always make me smile if you feel like leaving one.
Love you all so very much xxx
I want to be free as I'll ever be
xo starr