“I love her, Alex!” Billy screamed.
There were not a lot of people in the coffee shop those early hours of the morning, but the few who were looked up at her words. Seconds later, they got back to their usual routine as Billy turned back to Alex and found her walking out. She rushed to catch up but Alex did not seem to have any intention of stopping.
“Alex, please.”
Alex stopped.
Billy’s heart was racing. She’d gone in for her morning cup of coffee, hoping to run into her friends after the fun weekend, but had run into Alex. On seeing her, she’d hoped to talk to her, but until that moment, Alex had not paid any moment of attention to her. Now she hoped Alex stopping was a good sign. But how could it be? When she’d just admitted to being in love with the same woman her best friend loved?
“Do you not understand it when I say that I do not want anything to do with you?” Alex asked.
She showed no sign of emotion. She was as cold to Billy as she had been to disgruntled old exes. Exes Billy had pitied because once someone got on that side of Alex, one could never get on her good side. Now that Billy was, Alex’s emotionless attitude towards her hurt her more than she cared to admit.
“I know you, Alex. You cannot turn off a lifetime of love and friendship.”
“Obviously you don’t know me well enough,” Alex said.
“Fine, you can hate me. You can act as though none of what is happening with Jesse affects you, or us. But I need you to understand that I haven’t given up on our friendship. I never will until you forgive me. I love you, Alex. You’re my family and family doesn’t give up on one another,” Billy said.
She thought she saw some sort of emotion cross Alex’s face and thought she still had hope.
“Did you love her back then?” Alex asked.
Billy was surprised she’d responded instead of walking off, but she needed a chance to have some sort of dialogue. “Yes, I did,” she said.
“Did you love me?”
The question was confusing, but Billy confidently responded. “Of course I did.”
“Do you think I loved you?”
Her questions got more confusing, but according to their history, Billy was confident Alex loved her. “Yes,” she said.
“Do you think I would have chosen a girl who almost broke our friendship, or basically any other girl over you?”
Billy shook her head in shame and remorse. “No,” she said.
“She left, we made a choice. We chose each other. Regardless of the fact that we were both losing someone we loved. But we made that choice together. When she walked out of our lives, we restored our friendship and rebuilt a stronger solid foundation.”
Billy could see where Alex was going.
“I saw her, but I didn’t go after her because I knew what it would do to us. I chose our friendship over her. I chose to focus on us, and ignored my hurt and your betrayal because I needed to forgive you, because I loved you and I could not be myself without you. But you, what did you do?”
Billy inhaled, in pain, in self-serving guilt, in emotions she could not name and for the first time, she understood Alex’s pain.
“I loved her, Billy. Jesse was the girl of my dreams. But you spoilt her for me. You destroyed my dream and I still chose you over it. And now, I am the disgusting chaotic mess between that wet, sticky, smelly rot. That’s who I am right now. So you want to know where you stand with me. First, make the effort to know how I got where I am.”
Billy watched as Alex headed to her car, trying to absorb every hurt word she had uttered. It was the first time she had expressed herself and Billy couldn’t believe she was responsible for such pain upon her best friend.
**
“What do you think of these metallic colors? I was thinking we could fuse them with some neutral colors and create a unique glossy look. Jesse gave me some magazines to look at and I came up with this Global Designs meets the future of corporate décor kind of thing… Hey, are you listening to me?”
Billy looked at Lana and turned her attention to the ideas displayed on the desk. “I’m sorry. I’m a bit off today.”
“You had an awesome weekend, which you haven’t thanked me for, by the way. What could have happened between last night and now?”
“Alex,” she said.
“What happened this time?”
“We talked and she managed to express herself. I knew I had screwed up, but this morning I realized how truly much and I don’t think I can ignore it,” Billy said.
“Oh, she finally talked to you.”
“And what she had to say wasn’t easy to hear,” Billy said. “Regardless, it was the truth. It made me realize how much of a selfish asshole I really am.”
“Come on, you’re being a bit too hard on yourself,” Lana said, taking a seat on the desk beside Billy. “Look, I may not understand how all this came to be, but Jesse is a lovable person. She’s sweet, intelligent, creative, understanding and inspiring.”
Billy raised her eyebrow at Lana’s descriptive perception of Jesse, wondering just how much they had shared on their ‘girl’s night out’.
“Oh, don’t look at me like that!” Lana said defensively.
Despite the situation, Billy couldn’t help laughing. In fact, she was glad for the friendship forming between the two.
“I thought you two had a good time yesterday,” Lana said.
“We did. We had a great time,” she said, fondly recalling it.
“Billy, I spent a lot of time with Jesse and we shared a lot. You need to know that both you and Alex screwed her up real bad. I can’t tell you what we talked about because outside this little group,” Lana said, gesturing with her hands. “She’s the first real friend I’ve had in a long time. But I will tell you this, if you want her, you are going to have to fight for her.”
“After talking to Alex this morning, I realized that if I fight one, I will have to risk losing the other.”
“Fight for them both, the universe might surprise you,” Lana said as she got up.
Billy wanted to talk to her some more, but she started walking towards the door. “Wait, where are you going? We’re not done talking,” she said.
“I’m Jesse’s friend now so I’m going to be as loyal to her as I am to you. Look over those plans, tell me what you think,” Lana said.
Billy watched her in surprise.
“Oh, by the way, I need you to contact Jade, tell her you want to meet her for a drink after work. I need to talk to her,” Lana added.
“Meet her for a drink?”
“She won’t pick my calls and I need to talk to her. Can you do that for me?”
“Of course,” Billy said.
“Thank you. I appreciate that,” Lana said as she walked out.
That was a side of Lana Billy had never seen before, but she found herself liking it as she picked up the phone to call Jade at Max’s. The phone rang thrice before she picked up.
“Hello,” she said.
“Jade, it’s Billy.”
“Oh, hi Billy,” Jade said.
She sounded so miserable, Billy felt sad for her. “Can we hook up for a drink tonight?” She loved that with close friends as such, she did not need to state a reason for wanting to meet up with someone. All she had to do was send a request.
“Sure, usual place at eight?” Jade said.
“Yeah, thank you.”
“No problem. See you later.” Jade hang up.
She tried not to think about what Lana was planning and instead, tried to focus on work but her thoughts kept trailing back to that morning, to Alex and to Jesse. With the thoughts and the time she had spent with Jesse over the weekend, she found it that much harder every time she would look up from the temporary desk acting as her office, to see Jesse.
Jesse was constantly busy. She was hands on in everything that went on in the office, which made Billy trust her much more with the project. At times, their gazes would meet and Jesse would have a hint of a smile, which Billy would respond to equally as discreetly.
After her talk with Alex, she was reluctant to pursue Jesse. She wasn’t quite so sure she was ready to sacrifice something so precious but at the same time, she didn’t know if she could give up Jesse.
This was the woman who made her heart want to explode with emotions and sensations; the woman she touched and felt life grasping her by the very throat. Jesse was the woman her heart had chosen. The woman her entire being wanted to cherish and love and care for, forever. It was the woman her entire being had chosen before she’d known she even had a choice.
That was why when Jesse walked around the office, busy ordering a whole crew or workers around, in an attempt to make something beautiful out of an ugly tasteless void, Billy found herself falling deeper in love.
This woman was either going to make her or destroy her. She had become an addiction, what with Billy having to see her every weekday and luckily, over the weekend. It had been the perfect end to a perfect afternoon.
When Jesse’s crew was preparing to leave, Billy approached her, hoping the warmth the weekend had restored was still present. “You’ve had a busy day,” she said.
Jesse turned to face her and met her with a smile, which pleased Billy. “Yeah, I’m so tired.”
“That’s too bad, I was hoping we could go out for some dinner,” Billy said.
“How about we order a pizza instead?”
Her offer pleased Billy. She had hoped things would change for the better between them but she had not expected to feel so good when Jesse reciprocated in kind. “Sounds great. I’ll go make the call,” she said.
The call lasted a few minutes. Billy watched as Jesse finished talking to her last crew members and after a moment, they left.
“Wow, I do not envy your job,” Billy said when Jesse approached her desk.
“Yeah, sometimes I don’t envy myself either. What about you? Shouldn’t you be at home or with your friends? It’s a little late to still be in the office, isn’t it?”
“Look who’s talking,” Billy teased.
“I have a deadline to meet so if I have to work a little overtime, its part of the job. But I like it. Keeps me busy.”
“What about when you have to make time for someone outside work?” she asked.
Jesse rubbed her temple. “I guess I’d have to compromise. My work isn’t everything.”
“So if say, we were dating,” Billy said and noticed a little color cover Jesse’s cheeks. “Would you distribute your time equally?”
Jesse looked like she was thinking over the question, then she smiled. “If I was dating, depending on how much I like the person I’m dating, I’d definitely cut back on work.”
Billy did not fail to notice her rephrased response. She tried not to give it much importance, realizing she had put Jesse on the spot.
“Is there any change with Alex?” Jesse asked.
Billy exhaled and shook her head. “No, not really.” The question reminded her of their encounter that morning.
“Can I ask you something?”
Billy nodded.
“Do you think it would make any difference if I spoke to her?”
Billy was sure Alex would be willing to listen to Jesse more than anyone else, but she didn’t want to put her in that position. It was Billy’s fault everything was happening the way it was. “I think so,” she said. “But it’s me Alex is mad at so even if you talked to her, I don’t think it would change much.”
“I want to stay out of it, but I hate seeing you both like this. You care so deeply for one another. Maybe if I could talk to her, she’d be willing to let go of her anger and you two could rebuild your friendship.”
“What would you say?” Billy asked out of curiosity.
Before Jesse could answer, a delivery guy walked into the office and Billy paid him after he handed over the pizza. When he left, they opened the box and each took a slice. They ate in silence for a while, then Jesse finally spoke.
“I would say that she has no reason to stay angry with you because technically, there is nothing between us.”
“But I want there to be something between us, Jesse.”
“Billy, you need to think about Alex first. We really hurt her for what we did. Your happiness should come last in this situation. If she had cheated with the girl you were dating, how would you have felt? You need to put yourself in her shoes. If she expects you to stay away from me, then that is exactly what you should be doing because anything else would just continue to hurt her and trust me, I am not going to be with you if it means hurting her.”
She had been right. This was a lose-lose situation. She could not have one without losing the other and in this case, it was more likely that she would lose them both. “Do you still love her?” she asked.
Jesse’s declaration seemed to be driven by something deeper than nobility. Billy didn’t know if it was guilt or love.
“How I feel about either one of you is irrelevant, Billy.”
Her response was evasive but smart. “So what am I supposed to do?”
“Get Alex back.”
“There has to be another option Jesse. Where I still get to have you in my life,” Billy said, suddenly losing her appetite.
“You can have me, Billy.”
The words gave her hope, but it was extinguished as quickly as it came to life.
“But only as a friend,” Jesse said, reaching for a table napkin to wipe her mouth and hands.
“I will never stop fighting for you, no matter how much you push me away.” She reached for Jesse’s hand and placed it over her heart. “You know how I feel about you. It’s not going away any time soon. For now, I will back off. I’ll let you have your way.”
She had moved so close to Jesse, their bodies were almost touching. Jesse was nervously looking at her, scared of her next move, but she was practicing self-control and she wouldn’t give in to her weakness. She released Jesse’s hand and took a step back.
“I love you, Jesse,” she said.
“Please don’t say that,” Jesse said.
“You need to hear it because it’s the truth.”
Their gazes were locked in unspoken desire and intensity. Billy had to force her feet to stay glued to the floor because she was so tempted to close the gap separating them and take Jesse in her arms.
“I have to go,” Jesse said in retreat. In a few minutes, she had picked up her things and was practically running out of the office.
Billy felt like crap. She cursed in the empty space and slammed her fist on the desk. This wasn’t happening. She couldn’t have gotten so close just to watch everything she loved fade away. If Alex was there, she would have managed to help Billy calm down, but she wasn’t.
She wasn’t there because Billy had broken her heart.
**
“You don’t look too good, you okay?” Jade asked when she joined Billy on the table at the bar.
“I’m fine, just had a rough day,” Billy said.
Billy ordered herself a beer and wondered how long it would take Lana to arrive. She needed to be alone. She had considered going straight home from the office, but since this meeting was important to Lana, she had no choice but to be there.
She just hoped Lana’s meeting with Jade was going to open a portal of amicable dialogue so that they could finally put their disagreement to rest and somehow work on starting things over.
“You know, you need to put all this bullshit aside with Lana and work things out,” she said.
Jade looked at her in surprise.
“I know you feel you have a right to be upset but trust me, she loves you and if you don’t get your act together, you’re going to lose her.”
“I’ve already lost her, Billy. She’s sleeping with someone else.”
Unless Lana was seeing someone in secret, which Billy doubted, Jade information was misguided. “What makes you think that?”
Jade rubbed her forehead and there was such a pained look in her eyes, Billy almost believed her. But she knew Lana and was convinced whoever Jade had gotten that information from had to be lying.
“I saw it with my own eyes.”
Before Billy could react, Max walked into the bar and joined them. She seemed to know what was going on because she stretched out her arm and patted Jade’s back.
“What the hell has been going on?” she asked.
“Jade found Lana in bed with another woman,” Max said.
Billy was in shock and did not know how to react because she still couldn’t believe it. It had to be a lie. She was nervous and relieved when Lana chose that moment to walk into the bar. She searched them room and when her gaze met Billy’s, she approached their table.
“Hey Max,” Lana said.
“Hey Lana,” Max said, almost coldly.
“Jade, can I talk to you?” Lana said.
Jade looked so distressed Billy wished she could give her a hug.
“There is nothing for us to talk about,” Jade said.
“Please let me say what I came to say then you can decide what you want to do,” Lana said.
When no one on the table spoke, Lana took a deep breath and started. “It’s true. I did sleep with someone.”
The statement struck Billy speechless and from the look that came across Max’s face, it was obvious she was displeased.
“Lana, please, I don’t want to hear you justify yourself for sleeping with someone else,” Jade said.
“Jade, please, just hear her out,” Billy intervened.
Jade averted her gaze to Billy then shrunk back in her seat.
Lana’s gaze moved from Billy to Max then back to Jade. “It was Jesse,” she said.
“What the fuck?” Jade asked in shock.
Billy was certain she’d misheard Lana.
“You slept with her too? What is it about this girl? Is she a siren? Does she have a magical pair of tits? And should I line up for some of that action too?” Max asked and Billy dangerously stared at her.
“We’ve been working together and have come to form a friendship. We went out the other night and ended up at the beach house. We slept together but nothing sexual happened,” Lana explained.
Billy exhaled in relief. She would have gone insane if it had truly happened. She didn’t even know how she had forgotten about that. “You’re talking about yesterday? It’s true, they had a girl’s night out.”
“You knew?” Max asked.
“I spent the day with both of them yesterday. If I had known that’s what you were talking about, I would have told you that myself,” Billy said.
“But she was naked,” Jade said.
“We were drunk. We both blacked out. Nothing happened,” Lana said.
“Why didn’t you tell me? I’ve been going crazy out of my mind thinking you slept with someone else.”
“You wouldn’t let me talk yesterday when you dropped off Thunder.”
Jade got to her feet and took a step closer to Lana. “Nothing happened?” she asked in a breaking voice.
“Nothing happened.”
Jade reached out to Lana and slowly pulled her in her embrace. It was a bittersweet reunion and both Billy and Max were pleased by the turn of events, but Lana pulled back and broke physical contact from Jade.
“I don’t want to be with you if you can’t trust me. I don’t want to be with you if whenever I express myself, you’ll storm out and accuse me of wanting other people. Until you work on your issues, I don’t think I want us to get back together,” she said.
Billy and Max silently watched as Jade moved closer to Lana and said, “I love you and I have been so stupid. Thinking I lost you tore me apart and I don’t think I can live another day without you. I will do anything and everything to fix us, I promise.”
“That’s good enough for me,” Lana said and Jade took her back in her arms, passionately kissing her. Lana wrapped her arms around Jade and responded and both Billy and Max smiled at each other.
Billy was happy something good had ended up happening at the end of such a rough day. She lifted her bottle up to Max’s for a toast, feeling a little bit envious. She wished things could be that easy for her. She knew it would take time for Jade and Lana to fully work things out, but now that they were both willing, it made everything easier and it was clear where they were headed.
“Thanks Billy,” Lana said, taking a seat beside Jade.
“I’m still very curious to know what is so special about this Jesse girl that’s got everyone going crazy,” Max said.
Everyone at the table laughed, leaving her with a bewildered expression.
**