I awoke the next morning to Carmilla's body missing from behind me. I frown and search the room only to find she's gone. I raise the head of my bed a little to a sitting position yawning and stretching to wake myself up. I see Carmilla's jacket draped over the chair beside my bed so she mustn't be far. I see a book placed delicately across the chair as well. I reach to grab it when Carmilla walks through the door with a tray of scrambled eggs and water.
"Morning cupcake, sleep well?" She says flicking on the other set of lights making the room much brighter. She closes the door behind her and places the tray on a small table beside my bed.
I nod and smile at her.
"Well I got you breakfast," she smiles. "We've got to rebuild your strength." She walks towards me and places her hands on my waist. I wrap my arms around her neck pulling her into a hug. She holds me gently making me wish she could hug me tighter without me feeling pain. I just wanted her close. It was an overwhelming feeling right now.
"Sorry" I pull back. "I just... wanted to feel.." I pause trying to find the words but can't put my finger on it.
"Don't apologize," she says placing a hand on my cheek. "It's hard concealing myself from holding you." She whispers placing a kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes and let her soft lips pressed against my skin sink in. I wanted out of here. She made me feel at home but when I opened my eyes I knew this place wasn't home at all.
"Here," she pulls out the table that holds my tray over my bed. "Please try to eat a little? The meal was approved by Dr. Lafontaine. They said it's soft texture may allow you to hold it down a little better. She hands me a spoon. I look at the plate of scrambled eggs. The eggs looked watery and it's scent was unpleasant enough to make me feel nauseous. I can feel my stomach starting to churn and my face go hot.
Please no, not now.
Carmilla notices the effect the eggs have on me and immediately removes the plate from my view. She hands me my bed pan but I manage to control my urge to release the contents of my stomach.
"Maybe... oatmeal would have been the smarter choice." She says with a frown.
"How about applesauce?" I suggest. "It's sweet but it may be a little more pleasant for me."
She nods and quickly walks out of the room with the plate of eggs. I sigh laying back against the bed. I didn't feel comfortable at all. The thought of puking in front of Carmilla was a little embarrassing honestly which only made me try to hold it back more. She understood and was caring about everything but I didn't feel comfortably ready for that. A burning sensation was left in my throat from holding it back so I take a sip of my water.
When I raise my glass I look through the doors small window to see Lafontaine talking to Carmilla. They seemed to be informing her on something because Carmilla was focused and nodding to their every word. I wonder what they were talking about when Carmilla's face suddenly drops. Her focused expression now looking more broken than before. I knew what it meant, though I wish I hadn't had to see it written on her face first.
Pain.
I began to feel it just by staring at her. Not only physical but emotional as well. Pain from the cancer. Pain from the chemo. Pain from watching the ones I care about hurt.
Pure pain.
It was enough to bring tears to my eyes but I quickly wipe them. I didn't want Carmilla to worry more than she already was.
What have I brought her into..
I watch as her and Laf shake hands and she walks towards the door to my room. She opens it with a blank expression on her face. We stare at each other for a good minute before she finally speaks.
"Let's get out of here cupcake."
All I can do is nod.
- - - - -
Carmilla helps me into her car, which her sister apparently brought to her while I was asleep last night. She closes my door and begins walking to the drivers seat when Laf walks out and hands her multiple prescription papers. She nods and shakes their hand saying an inaudible "thank you" before getting in the car. Laf comes to my window before we leave.
"I'm sorry for the bad news Laura," they say with a frown. "But I know you can get through this." I place my hand over theirs and they smile faintly.
"Thank you Laf. I'll see you Monday?"
"As always frosh." They nod and walk back to the hospital doors.
I turn to look at Carmilla to find her staring at me. I couldn't tell what she was thinking. Her expression was blank and her eyes were hallow making my heart feel cold. She shakes her head lightly pulling herself out of her thoughts and starts the car now staring at the road ahead. We weren't far from my apartment which I was happy about.
The car ride was quiet and the air felt thick. I wanted to talk to Carmilla but I didn't know what to say. She was quiet and she was hurting, that was perfectly visible. I didn't know how much of this I could take. I felt like breaking down but I held my composure the best I could. I feel Carmilla place her hand on my knee and squeeze it gently trying to comfort me. I tried to allow it to but it wasn't helping comfort her in any way so that caused me no comfort.
After dropping off my prescriptions we finally reach my apartment. Carmilla helps me up the stairs to my apartment door. She opens it for me and helps me put away the extra clothes my dad had brought me the day before.
We hadn't spoken since this morning. She didn't speak and the silence was slowly destroying my mind. It gave me too much time to think, about everything. I couldn't hold back the tears starting to form in my eyes. I was past due for a breakdown.
I don't want her to go through this.. not with me.
"Hey Laur, where do you keep your med-" Carmilla pauses when she looks up from digging through the bag and sees me. "What's the matter.." She says walking towards me with concern written all over her face.
She places a hand on my waist but I turn away from her so my back is now facing her.
"Baby, talk to me." She says softly from behind me.
"I.. I can't do this Carm." I say feeling my heart sink at the sound of my own words. I couldn't imagine what she was feeling.
"W-What do you mean.." She says hesitantly. Her voice was pained. I couldn't find it in me to turn around.
"I appreciate you taking such good care of me.. but I can't have you do this. I can't have you go everyday in emotional pain watching as I di-"
"Don't." She interrupts me. I turn to her to find tears starting to form in her eyes. I sniffle starting to break down myself.
"Don't speak like that-"
"Carmilla we both know I can't survive this-"
"Laura-"
"No!" I yell at her. Her face showing shock. She tries to wipe the tears from her eyes. "Look at the facts Carmilla! I'm showing no progress in chemo. I just found out I'm anemic-"
"You just started chemo not too long ago Laura, progress takes time and we can get through this togeth-"
"Come on Carm. We both know where this is heading you can't deny it. I can't hold my own food in. I'm slowly losing weight day by day. My hair will soon begin to fall, I'm not as strong as I-"
"Stop it okay!" She shouts
"Why can't you just accept that I'm probably going to die someday Carmilla!" The words sting my chest.
"Laura!" She shouts with anger and pain in her voice. The tears begin to flow completely from my eyes as I broke down into a fit of sobs in front of her. She rushes towards me and engulfs me into her arms holding me tightly as my body goes weak into her. My sobs only got harder to control as I held onto her jacket tightly crying into her shoulder. She places a hand behind my head stroking my hair repeatedly saying 'shhhh, it's okay cupcake.' to comfort my crying.
"I-I'm scared carm." I say trying to catch my breath but more tears flow.
"Shh. I know baby, just breathe." She whispers to me. "Let me be your strength." She places a gentle kiss on the side of my head holding me close. I try to get myself together as best I can before even trying to look up at her.
"You know," She says pulling back a little so she can see my face. "Science suggests that we experience time as slower when we're afraid." Placing a hand on my cheek she uses the other to tuck the hair in my face back behind my ear. "Meaning, Live in constant fear and feel like you're immortal." I sniffle and look down at my hands.
"I know it's no constellation, but" she places her hands in mine. "I'm afraid too Laura. But I know you can get through this."
"Carmilla." I sigh sniffling. "I don't like seeing you hurt. I feel like such a burden on your life. You deserve to be happy and I'm a walking talking time bomb. Something's always going wrong-"
"I'm not going anywhere Laura so you can stop there." She says firmly. "I've lived too long for you to even think you're a burden in my life. You're the best thing to happen to me.. ever, actually. And if you're a walking talking time bomb then I'll study to be part of the bomb squad." This causes me to laugh through my stuffy nose. She smiles now making me smile a little.
"As for things going wrong, I'm not going to turn away Laura. I'm gonna stand and help you fight, okay?" She holds my hands tightly. "I want to be the one good thing to happen to you that changes your luck completely. And I am happy. As long as you're here with me, I'm more than happy." She places her forehead against mine. I close my eyes sniffling.
"What did I do to deserve you" I whisper.
"Having you makes me the real winner here," she responds rubbing small circles into my sides.
"I-I'm sorry" I open my eyes and pull my forehead back. "With everything happening, I saw it on your face that you were hurt and I.. well I couldn't take it, so I kind of.. blew my top in attempt to push you away.."
She nods. "It does hurt." She says honestly, "but being with you is worth any pain this cruel word brings our way."
I kiss her cheek and place my arms on her shoulders pulling her into a hug.
"Please tell me you didn't mean a word you said Laur." She says rubbing my back gently still holding me close. Did I mean anything I said? The facts were a given, but death? It wasn't certain but it wasn't uncertain.
"Of course not." I respond hearing her release a breath of relief. She releases me and grabs my hand walking me to the bed. We lay down and she pulls my back to her chest spooning me. I grab hold of her hand and intertwine our fingers together feeling my eyes beginning to close. I needed her touch. I needed her warmth. I needed her. Every single part of her.
"Promise you'll be right here when I wake up?" I whisper closing my eyes.
"I promise." She says placing a kiss on the back of my head as I drift off to sleep.
- - - - -
Carmilla's POV:
I watched as Laura's chest rose and fell in a slow motion letting me know she was asleep. Napping was to be expected according to Lafontaine. I had left her in the morning to speak to them about everything and they told me as much as they could..
Flashback:
I slowly slide out of the hospital bed making sure not to disturb Laura's sleep. She was so tired from everything it was sad to see but I was glad to help her rest. I slowly walk out the door into the hospital hallways. It was early and I only knew because the amount of staff cheerfully walking around had lowered. As I walked to the restroom I stop in my tracks to see Lafontaine getting their bag situated to clock in, so I took the opportunity to stop them.
"Hey," I say walking towards them.
"Hey Laura's 'friend'," they laugh saying friend sarcasticly.
"What's with the sarcasm Doc?" I ask crossing my arms across my chest raising an eyebrow.
"Oh come on, you can't honestly say you two are just friends," they laugh, I tighten my lips and when they look at me they put their hands up in a surrendering motion.
"Sorry. That's your personal business."
I nod.
"It's just.." they pause biting their lip. "I haven't seen her this happy in so long."
"What do you mean?" I ask confused. Laura wasn't happy at all yesterday yet Lafontaine states she's the happiest she's been.
"Maybe not at this second but.. okay you can't say anything."
"Get on with it Doc." I say raising an eyebrow.
"Right right. This past week she's been coming into her chemo sessions smiling. I could never find hope in her eyes until.. you came along. She speaks of you a lot you know?"
"Oh?" I swear I could feel my heart melting at the thought of me actually impacting her life as she was impacting mine.
"Of course!" They laugh. "All good things."
I nod and smile.
"Can you um.. can you tell me a little about her condition?" I ask, not really knowing if I was entitled to know.
"Well," they sigh. "Since she stopped chemo two years ago it's gotten stronger. I don't want to say it's chronic because there's no going back from that and I'd like to keep having hope.."
I look down at the ground lost in thought. She wasn't showing much pain, but maybe she was just really good at hiding it..
"There is hope though.. right?" I say looking at Dr. Lafontaine now. Their eyes looked saddened.
"A small window of it. Yes." They answer honestly. Laf places their hand on my shoulder causing me to tense up. "Keep her comfortable. Keep her happy. She deserves that much and more."
I slowly nod trying to comprehend everything. They told me about common symptoms and side effects along with whats to be expected when it begins to hit hard. It was so much to take in and the pain laura could be going through only made me feel that much worse. Laura would probably be waking up soon so I say thank you to Lafontaine and we exchange numbers for if I ever had any questions or for emergencies. I walk towards the cafeteria after our talk and look for what Laf suggested Laura could try eating.
Present:
I move the hair away from Laura's neck and kiss it gently as she shifts around for comfort in my arms. I wanted nothing more right now but to stay close to her. It's all I've really wanted. She didn't deserve to be cooped up in here. She needed to find serenity. To see everything she thought she could only dream of, experience the things she's always wanted to.
This wasn't enough. She deserves more.
I grab my phone quietly from the table beside the bed and start typing.