The dormitories were even better than I remembered them to be. I wished I could've seen the look on Lucifer's face when I never returned to my cell. The bed next to me was empty for now but I could already tell someone else was using it. Hopefully my new roommate wouldn't be like the last one.
It turned out he was the complete opposite. Lucifer was violent, harsh and antagonising. My new roommate, on the other hand, was harmless, cheerful and friendly. He came bouncing into sight, sitting down on his bed and giving me a bright smile.
"Hey! They finally put someone else in here!" he expressed his delight dramatically, "I've been in this place for only three days but I would've thought the dorms were always full. What's your name?"
I was overwhelmed by how excitable and happy he was, especially after he had just been thrown in prison. He seemed to be getting on fine.
"Novak", I replied, returning the smile.
"I'm Garth Fitzgerald", he told me, "Or just Fitzgerald. Everybody refuses to call me Garth in here which is okay, I guess".
"You've only been in here for three days?" I asked, relieved that someone else was new besides me.
"Uh-huh", Fitzgerald confirmed, "I've only got six months in here left. My aunt gave me a plant for my birthday and, for months, I was growing it in my back garden. Little did I know, it was actually cannabis. The police assumed that was a hobby of mine and, well, here I am. Come to think of it, my aunt never actually liked me..."
"Oh...wow, that's..." I paused, not sure whether to laugh or sympathise, "I wish I had six months. I'm stuck in here for fifteen years".
"Woah", Fitzgerald raised his eyebrows, "That sucks".
"Lights out, inmates!"
Roughly three seconds after the officer yelled, it was suddenly dark. Not exactly pitch black, but just the right amount of darkness so that you could vaguely make out the silhouettes of objects and people.
"Night, Novak", Fitzgerald spoke quietly and I could make out his comforting smile through the darkness.
"Night", I yawned, falling back onto my comfortable bed and wrapping myself inside the covers.
I fell asleep almost immediately. It was such a relief, sleeping in a place where I didn't fear of the man lying beneath me, listening to my breaths and planning when to make his next move. It was perfect.
* * *
"Cas".
Still half asleep, I felt a hand nudging my shoulder like a child eagerly waking their parents up at Christmas. When I didn't respond, I was nudged again.
"Cas. Wake up, you lazy moron".
I groaned and forced myself to open my eyes. It was still slightly dark yet faintly brightening. Kneeling down beside my bed, the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Dean who was wide awake and bored or so it seemed.
"Dean?" I asked with confusion, glancing at Fitzgerald who was fast asleep, "What...what time is it?"
"Half five in the morning", Dean whispered, not wanting to wake up or alarm anybody.
"But we're supposed to get up at six", I told him, still confused.
"I know", Dean replied with an amused smile, automatically springing up on his feet and perching himself on my bed.
He crossed his legs comfortably, facing me. I stared at him blankly for a while before sighing heavily and allowing my head to fall back into my pillow.
"Not a morning person, huh?" Dean asked and, even though my eyes were closed again, I just knew that he was smirking.
"Wait", I opened my eyes again and sat up, "How are you even allowed in here? Isn't there some kind of rule to stay in your bed all night?"
"Oh, it's easy", Dean shrugged, "The guards hardly ever watch".
I made myself sit up properly, mirroring Dean's position and crossing my legs. Dean grinned at me, resting his hands on his lap.
"You look kinda cute in the morning", Dean commented, his smile fading slightly as if he had just realised what he said.
"Well, I don't act it", I yawned heavily.
"How are you feeling?" Dean asked.
"So much better", I told him truthfully and Dean smiled in response, "This bed is amazing compared to the one back in my cell".
"Yeah, I bet", Dean agreed, his voice still in a hushed whisper.
Dean's eyes trailed to the opposite side of the room space.
"Who's that?" Dean asked, not recognising the man who was lightly snoring beside us.
"His name is Garth Fitzgerald", I answered, "He seems...interesting. Overly nice".
"That's never a good thing", Dean said with a smirk.
Dean ran his hands over his pockets, searching for something in particular. When he found the item he was looking for, he threw a small box at me which I caught with two hands. I squinted at the plain white box questionably, giving him a clueless look.
"Painkillers", Dean informed me.
"Really?!" I exclaimed, opening the box and feeling overly satisfied with the amount of pills it contained, "Where did you get these?"
"I kept them for emergencies", Dean replied.
"Thank you, Dean", I retrieved two pills and subtly slipped them into my mouth.
One of my most shameful skills was swallowing medication without any liquid whatsoever, but that was due to reasons that would probably come up much later...
"Don't mention it", Dean smiled in response, "But seriously...don't mention it. If one of the guards here finds you with that, you're screwed".
"That's...reassuring", I made sure to hide them well, under a few books in a nearby drawer.
Dean watched me for a moment, some form of refreshment on his expression, before he directed his legs over the bed until he stood up. He turned to me, a warm smile and gleamy eyes on his face.
"The alarm call will be in a while", Dean told me, "I'll see you in a few minutes, okay?"
I nodded understandingly, resting back onto the comfortable mattress on my bed and rewrapping myself in the covers. When Dean sneakily left, all I wanted to do was fall back asleep even if it was for only a few minutes. But the hassle of being woken up by screaming officers really wouldn't be a fantastic start to the day.
A few moments later, Azazel and some other random officers burst into the dormitory and began waking everyone up loudly. I was taken aback and slightly annoyed at how cheerful and energetic Fitzgerald was as soon as he was rudely awoken, whereas I had woken up half an hour ago yet I was still tired.
"Inmates, get your lazy asses up!" Azazel yelled, clapping his hands together repeatedly.
"Good morning, Novak!" Fitzgerald sat upright and grinned widely, "How'd you sleep?"
"Perfectly", I replied truthfully.
"Stop fucking chatting and get the hell outta bed!" Azazel shouted directly at us.
Fitzgerald raised his eyebrows at me before we both stood up. We were all forced to stand outside the dorm rooms for a few seconds. In the distance, standing right next to Singer, I noticed Dean giving me a mischievous look at me and rolling his eyes whenever Azazel started screaming at inmates for something stupid. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand to hide my amused smirk.
"Alright", Azazel announced, returning to the middle of the large room, "Straight to the bathrooms. Hurry the fuck up".
At that moment, everybody started moving towards the exit door and to the bathrooms. I brushed my teeth, shaved and showered in just under five minutes. My speed was improving.
When the steaming hot shower water hit my stomach, it still hurt like hell but the painkillers seemed to make it more bearable.
On the way out, I bumped into Gabriel and he raised his eyebrows at me in acknowledgement.
"Hey", he greeted me, "I've been looking for you".
Gabriel presented me with a newly folded, beige jumpsuit.
"Your new get-up has arrived", Gabriel explained, "No more stupid orange to draw attention to you being a newbie"
"Thank God", I took the new jumpsuit off of him with relief, then looked around with confusion, "Where should I get changed? I want to get out of this thing as soon as possible".
"Uh, boiler rooms?" Gabriel suggested.
Yeah, because that specific room always goes well for me.
I took Gabriel's advice in the end. He waited outside the door so that he could collect the orange jumpsuit, wash it in the laundry rooms and pass it on to a future inmate. The beige jumpsuit felt much more comfortable and I automatically felt like I blended in more. If I had a beige, I would just be seen as any random prisoner. Whereas, when I had that horrible orange, I was a main target for fun.
Gabriel took the orange jumpsuit from me and headed straight back towards the laundry rooms.
The canteen wasn't full yet, thankfully. Traditionally, I grabbed an apple and wandered to an empty table. I stopped myself when I heard that familiar voice calling me; the one I knew the best over anyone else in here.
"Cas, over here!" Dean called and I spun around, happy that he wanted to sit with me again.
Sitting down on the seat from opposite him, I gave him a warm smile. He nodded approvingly at my new get-up.
"Well, look at you", Dean beamed fondly, "You're really one of us now. I like it".
A tray of food slammed down right next to me, causing Dean's smile to fade and turn into an irritated frown. On the chair next to me, LaFitte plunged himself down and gave us both a grin.
"Loving the new outfit, Novak", LaFitte commented, daring to stroke the fabric on my shoulder, "Really suits ya".
Dean was glaring at him hard. LaFitte seemed to notice but he continued anyway. He leant his elbow on the table and propped his head up against his hand, turning to me with sudden interest- somewhat not in a serious way, but a humorous way. His eyes kept flickering between Dean and I.
"You're looking extra good today, Cas", LaFitte winked jokily.
I gave him a confused look when he used my first name. Only Dean referred to me by that. Dean's glare never faded and LaFitte's smirk ceased to disappear.
"Alright, LaFitte, why don't you drool somewhere else?" Dean almost snapped.
"I'm just kidding", LaFitte reassured us, "You called dibs anyway".
Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head at me.
From behind me, I had just about heard a small part of a conversation, followed by a few mocking laughs. Dean seemed to notice too.
"...so the fucking coward begs to move cells because he's so scared of me. Can't even stand up for himself like a real man. He just prefers to run away from any sign of conflict. Pathetic!"
I simply chose to ignore him but Dean was having none of it.
"Hey, Lucifer, you wanna shut the fuck up?" Dean called out.
"Nah, I'm good", I heard Lucifer respond childishly.
I could practically feel Lucifer's eyes burning right through me, even though my back was turned to him.
"Oh, hey Novak!" I heard Lucifer emphasise, "I missed you last night, buddy. Why'd you have to leave me?'
I spun around on my chair to face him confidently, suddenly being very aware of the fact that he couldn't outwardly attack me in front of all these guards lurking around. Lucifer grinned at me familiarly.
"There's that adorable face", Lucifer cooed sarcastically.
"I left because you were making my life a living hell", I answered, in response to his earlier question, "Where do you think I got all these bruises?"
"Hey, I don't judge what kinky fetishes you and Winchester explore", Lucifer held his hands up in a mock-surrender with a smirk.
"Don't act so innocent", I snapped irritably.
"He speaks like a man who knows what real innocence is", Lucifer said to the listeners on his table who were excitedly awaiting a fight, "Novak here says he was falsely accused and that he doesn't deserve to be here".
All of the others sniggered as if the idea itself was just plain ridiculous. At the mention of my innocence, I tensed and anger rose up inside me.
"He is innocent, jackass", Dean defended me loyally.
"You believe this lying moron?" Lucifer asked Dean mockingly, "He's guilty. I just know it".
Lucifer looked me dead in the eyes when he was still talking to Dean.
"He was bloodthirsty", Lucifer continued, his cold stare never blinking, "He craved murder and lost himself in the moment. And now he can't even face the consequences. He's nothing but a coward if you ask me".
"Cas..." I heard Dean cautiously warn me from behind, "Ignore him".
My fists clenched on my lap. It was no secret that I had a pressure point and I could tell that Lucifer noticed how furious I was getting. So, of course he took it one step further.
"A guilty, lying, fake..." Lucifer paused for a short moment and his eyes seemed to turn even darker before he uttered the next two words, "...murderous coward".
Everything fell intensely silent for a few long seconds before I surprised myself by lunging forward and striking him harshly across the face. In reality, it was nothing compared to all the physical harm he had inflicted on me before.
Two hands grabbed my shoulders from behind and I was pulled back. His hands still holding my shoulders, Dean gave me a comforting look which seemed to automatically calm me down.
"I'll take him down to solitary", a female voice assured someone.
No. I couldn't go back to the SHU. Those were the most hauntingly terrifying three nights of my life. This couldn't be happening again.
Lucifer folded his arms, smiling at me satisfactorily and slightly extending out his tongue to lick the small trickle of blood falling beside his mouth.
The officer that held my arm gently and lead me out was the same person who covered for Dean's contraband-Jody. Once we were out of the canteen, she noticed my frightened expression.
"Relax, sweetie", she gave me a soothing smile and laughed slightly in a kind manner, "You're not actually going to the SHU".
I stared at her, feeling a mixture of confusion and relief.
"I don't understand-"
"I saw the way Lucifer was tormenting you", Jody explained, "A punch in the face doesn't seem like enough for that smug asshole".
Stunned by her casual informality, I smiled at her appreciatively.
"Thank you", I breathed out, taken aback.
"My pleasure", she returned the grin, "Just be careful".
I nodded, giving her an unspoken promise to oblige. She patted my shoulder fondly before walking away. I simply stood there for a few seconds, elated and shocked about the fact that I wasn't going down to solitary again. Suddenly, a loud voice from behind me made me jump.
"Dude, high five me!"
It was Gallagher- the one I had witnessed with a forbidden silk gown. He held his hand in the air and I hesitantly high-fived him.
"Lucifer's such a dick!" Gallagher exclaimed, "Kutos on you for standing up to him".
"Thanks", I tried to smile.
Gallagher chewed on his sleeves behind a wide grin whilst he strangely searched around the walls with his eyes.
"You should meditate with me sometime", Gallagher offered.
"Maybe", I replied, amused at his strange personality.
"Well, I'll see you later..." he paused, waiting for me to say my name.
"Novak".
"Novak!" Gallagher clicked his fingers, "I'll see ya, Novak".
I gave him a small wave when he happily trailed off. He acted like he was a fan of psychedelic drug usage. Those drugs in particular often made people happy and bubble. It made your eyes transfixed on just about anything. I could recognise that behaviour anywhere.
"Cas, thank God you're not in the SHU!" Dean came running out of the canteen, "I knew Jody would have your back".
Remembering back to the canteen, I thought about what Lucifer said. All the memories of Balthazar and the betrayal came flooding back to me and it coldly welcomed a tight feeling in my throat.
"I-I didn't mean to lash out", I stuttered, overwhelmed by everything, "It was just-"
"I know", Dean nodded understandingly.
"No, you don't know, Dean", I snapped, angry tears filling my eyes when I finally realised how unfair this all was, "This is bullshit. Why the hell am I even in here? I've done fuck all wrong! I stayed behind for a dying man's last breaths so that he wouldn't die alone and what the fuck do I get?"
I sighed agitatedly, resting my forehead against a wall.
"Fifteen".
I brought up and hand and ran it through my hair, scrunching up the locks stressfully.
"Fucking".
I pushed myself back off the wall and stared Dean in the eyes, sad and angry tears spilling down my face.
"Years".
"Cas..." Dean took a step towards me, his expression full of sympathy.
"I can't do this anymore, Dean", I exhaled shakily, wiping away the tears with the back of my hand, "I can't act like I find this okay anymore. I can't-"
Taking me by surprise, Dean stepped forward again and pulled me into a tight hug. One hand slipped around my waist and pulled me closer to him whereas the other hand cradled my head against his shoulder. I hugged him back appreciatively and buried my face into his shoulder. Dean even stroked my hair at one point and kept telling me that everything was going to be okay.
After a few heavenly seconds, we both pulled away and held short moment of eye contact. Dean's hands lingered on my waist for a while before he realised and quickly removed them.
"Listen", Dean said to me intensely, "Don't let Lucifer turn you into someone you're not, okay? If you ever start to get angry, you friggin' punch me if you have to".
"I would never hurt you, Dean", I looked down at the floor sincerely.
Dean placed a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. With his other hand, he gentle lifted up my face to look him in the eyes. He gave me a sad smile but, whatever it was he was thinking, he managed to dismiss it and continue what he was saying.
"So here's what you do", Dean cupped the side of my face for a second to make sure I was paying attention before taking it away again, "You force yourself to smile. Yeah, I know it sucks but it helps. Believe me. I got that advice from a wise douchebag called Frank and I've never had a breakdown since...almost never. You're gonna ignore that stupid son of a bitch back in the canteen and, most important of all, you're gonna get through this. You hear me?"
I nodded obediently, taking every single word he said in, and he brought up his hand again to softly wipe away a single tear on my face. He patted my shoulder once and, with that, all physical contact was broken.
"Thank you, Dean", I smiled meaningfully.
Dean returned the smile but it soon faltered when his eyes gradually drifted towards something behind me in the distance.
"Holy shit", Dean stared with shock.
With confusion, I turned around to see the room behind us with big glass windows. There was a TV on the wall which was caged so that the inmates couldn't damage it in any way. Shown on the TV screen, there was a tall man being interviewed for the news. Then I realised. That was the man that Dean showed me a picture of. That was Sam.
"What the hell is my brother doing on the news?" Dean frustratedly pushed past me and stormed into the TV room, with me hurriedly following behind him.
Someone carelessly flipped the channel over to something about motor racing sports. Without hesitation, Dean grabbed the remote control out of his hands and switched it back.
"Hey, I was watching-"
"Shhhh!" Dean stopped him angrily, stepping closely to the TV and peering up at it.
"So, Sam..." the news lady started, "You must be feeling pretty heroic right now, huh?"
"Well, I mean, I just did what any other person would do", Sam shrugged, looking quite shaken up.
"Can you tell me what happened?"
"Sure", Sam nodded uneasily, "I had been out all day and, when I returned back to Stanford, our house was on fire. I freaked out because I knew that my girlfriend, Jess, was in there. So, I ran in and got her out as fast as I could".
"And she's okay?"
"Well, she's obviously a little bit in shock", Sam gave her a warmhearted, reassuring smile, "But, physically and medically, she's fine".
"I'm glad to hear that", the woman placed a hand on his shoulder, "Well, I'll let you get back to her".
"Thank you", Sam said appreciatively and, just like that, he was gone.
"Sammy-always the saviour", Dean smiled proudly, throwing the remote back to the pissed off prisoner.
"He saved his girlfriend from a burning building?" I asked with bafflement, "He sounds like some kind of superhero".
"You could say that", Dean laughed.
We were receiving glares from the people around us, due to the disruption, so Dean and I took the hint and left the room.
"Damn, I glad that he's okay", Dean sighed with relief once we were out, "And Jess too".
"Sam goes to Stanford?" I asked curiously.
"Yeah, he's a smart son of a bitch", Dean rolled his eyes with amusement, smiling fondly, "Makes me feel like an idiot whenever he starts speaking about the intelligent rules of law. Sammy would absolutely love you if you ever had the chance to meet. You're both deep in your thought process. You two would probably sit in a corner and contemplate the meaning of life for hours. Friggin' hippies, that's what you are".
"Is that right?" I smiled with amusement.
"Yeah, I could imagine it", Dean replied, thoughtfully staring into the distance, "You would leave your face unshaven, walk around with bare feet. Hell, you'd probably arrange damn orgis for all I know".
I laughed at the thought.
"Probably spend all your nights getting high", Dean continued and my body tensed up but I tried to dismiss it, "You'd own it"
"I'll keep that in mind in case I have a mid-life crisis", I smirked, still feeling uneasy about what he had just said, but managing to hide it well.
The truth might have been obvious about my past, but I would be getting into detail much later. There were many things that happened back then, many dark moments which I hated myself for, and I knew the harsh reality of the fact that I was going to have to relive it again. Some things that you push to the back of your mind, when you don't want to even think about it, always manage to find their way back. But, as I watched Dean laugh and joke around, I found myself not feeling so scared anymore.