"Serial Killer" by Lana Del Rey
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AVA
I was unsure when I fell asleep that night. I remember waking up in my dream. The adorable moment where you feel you pulled yourself up from slumber only to discover you are still deeply inside of it. You're not actually awake. There are still strange improbabilities happening all around. I knew I was asleep because I saw him again, this time, standing in the corner of my room. I woke up because I could feel eyes on me, watching, waiting.
Loki.
I don't know what he looks like in my dreams, but when I see him in a regular dream when nothing Asgard related is near, he always looks the same. His skin is a near shimmery lapis blue. His eyes are a haunting orange. Strange yet beautiful patterns decorate his skin and face, striking familiarity and yet none at all at the same time. He wears a black cloak that covers himself from head should frighten me and yet it doesn't. He doesn't say anything as he watches me silently. No expression is upon his face as he overlooks me, suddenly causing me to become self-conscious I was sleeping in only an oversized pajama shirt with Cookie Monster on the front of it. If it's a dream, shouldn't I have control over what I wear...? I ignore the thought to continue the impromptu staring session.
This isn't my first time dreaming of him. I always see the strange too-blue form of him that isn't human. He'll linger in the background of a dream regarding Asgard, watching me as if we're both watching the moment transpire. I can't unglue my eyes from him no matter how hard I try.
We watch each other for a long time. Even though I know this is only a dream, I feel a sick happiness to see him, as if having him around suddenly just illuminated a flame deep inside of me. Once, I found it funny when girls would say they were in love with imaginary story characters. I guess I'm no better. I'm head over heels for an imaginary character inside of my head. How twisted is that?
The blue version of Loki watched me quietly, eventually tilting his head to access me. Shouldn't I be afraid? Shouldn't seeing a blue man of towering over six-feet of height terrify me? His eyes are a frightening orange with a pitch-black iris in each. There's nothing human about him, only complete alien where he holds looks that belong at a Sci Fi convention. One moment he was standing across the room, and the next, he was right beside my bed, staring down at me with a pair of furrowed brows. I ignored the impossible teleportation aspect of his movement to watch him intently. "Do you remember me?"
His voice.
Suddenly, familiarity rings for me. I know it. I can now remember it from my dreams that I could never place. That familiar smooth and flawless tone, somehow possessing a husky quality to it. He's holding something in his hands, something I recognize; the necklace. Loki gently rubs the pendant with the pad of his thumb, alternating his gaze between it and my form sitting straight up on my bed. My head nods in agreement, the strange politeness in me feeling it would be rude not to answer him. "You can understand Old Norse, but what language do you speak now?" Loki asks quietly, no emotion displaying across his lapis blue face.
"English," I offered stupidly, not thinking I was even speaking a language other than English. "Interesting," he said, taking a sitting position upon my bed. I could see the crease of him sitting down upon my bed spread, making this moment look more realistic.
"I thought my anger would best me in this moment," he said in a low voice, not watching me. He wasn't watching anything specific; he stared out into space, avoiding eye contact. "Truly, I should want to rip that wretched object you call a heart right from your chest cavity."
This was the part where my face pulled into a frown. None of this was similar to previous dreams. In those, Loki was always quiet and calm, only watching me dream of Asgard. Right now, he looked resisting the urge to do just what he threatened. I was happy I wasn't standing up straight or my knees would have buckled beneath me out of fright. Loki continued staring out into space. One moment he was a monstrous looking alien who casually spoke of killing me. A few moments later, he was positively human. Something inside my mind clicked. Recognition.
A man with angelically pale skin sat on the edge of my bed, still wearing the cloak though the hood allowed his face to show. Saying his hair was merely black in color would not have been accurate. His hair was a very rich black, looking silky smooth as it was slicked back. His eyes looked far too blue, almost an unreal clear color. He was not staring directly at me, this was something I could simply note from previous dreams of mine as his face started coming back to my recollection. Loki looked to be in his late twenties. There was something about him my dim dreams did not seem to capture fully; it was just how impossibly beautiful he really was. It was a beauty that did not need anything to enhance it, a beauty that would and should put models to shame. He held the beauty of a god.
"I cannot look at your face for you bare the innocence of what you held as a young maiden," Loki finally said. He looked rather angry at his own remark as his jaw clenched tightly.
It was my shrill alarm on my cell phone going off that frightened me. I shuddered in place while Loki seemed rather relaxed. The sound did not bother him, almost as if he had heard much worse noises in his life. Usually, no matter how deeply invested I am in a dream, my alarm will always wake me up. As my head slowly tilted to the side to stare at my cell phone ringing and vibrating, I couldn't find myself waking up even though this noise sounded real. Slowly – hesitantly as Loki's eyes watched me move- I plucked up the phone. The very strange part was feeling the phone and how truly realistic it felt. Almost as though I were already awake when it went off.
My eyes widened as I tried to rationalize that this was simply me hallucinating. Quickly, I grabbed my nearby pills and popped open the container. Next, I grabbed a water bottle to chase the two tablets I took down. Loki did nothing but watch me, his expression unreadable. It was only as I slowly pulled myself from underneath the covers and got out of bed that his eyes seemed to widen in disbelief. "What in all of Valhalla are you wearing?"
I was wearing a Cookie Monster night dress that was maybe a little too tight given it was something I had gotten when I was twelve. It still fit; it just looked a little more scandalous than it actually was. "I have to reconsider the crazy farm," I admitted in a mumble, shaking my head. An idea flickered through me as I scratched my arm rather roughly. Pain shot through where my fingertips dragged across my skin, proving to me that I was, in fact, wide awake. "Ow," I mumbled.
"Of course you are in pain, you just harmed yourself," Loki said, his eyes now watching me as if I was the most bizarre creature he had ever laid eyes upon.
"Please stop talking," I said politely, gently releasing a breath. Perhaps if I was polite to the monsters haunting my head, they would repay me the same courtesy. You never know. It was worth a try.
"Those are the only words you have to say to me after all this time?" His disgust was not hidden.
I released an awkward chuckle, shaking my head as I half hurried half stumbled towards my dresser. "As soon as ten hits, I can take the second dose, and then nothing else should happen..." I prattled off, plucking a fresh pair of socks along with a bra out of the top drawer. Talking to myself usually helped me. Sadly, I found the human Loki was still sitting upon my bed, watching me as if I was a strange phenomenon taking place before his very eyes. "Sigyn. Look. At. Me."
His tone was no longer a representation of pleasant. There was a wicked tone to his voice, one that made a shiver tingle up my spine. My name is not Sigyn, but I still felt compelled to look at him. As my head slowly swiveled to watch the beautiful man, I felt strange as he watched me with cold eyes. Apart from before we got together, the Loki in my dreams is kind, considerate, and watches me as if I'm capable of walking on water. There's only love and utter devotion on his face and in his eyes. The Loki sitting before me is older. His face has lost all traces of adolescence. There is no trace of a childish look anywhere upon him. Even with his cloak, it's evident he's muscled, no longer the eighteen-year-old I dream about most nights. The most revealing moment that this is a far different hallucination than other ones is the realization that this version of Loki does not have a trace of love behind his bright blue eyes.
"There is something not quite right. I do not believe this is merely a thousand years of age difference and reincarnation that causes this," Loki said in an almost insinuating type of way. "You are not the same woman you once were."
Slowly, I took my hand to start slapping my cheek. Once. Twice. Three times in a row. Nothing worked. Usually, my hallucinations don't take this long to play out. They finish quickly enough, except when I'm asleep. But I'm awake. The alarm and the scratches proved that isn't the case, so I can't quite figure out what this is. "You know who it is I am," Loki said, standing. He slowly crept forward, watching me as if I were a deadly predator capable of causing great harm. The guy looked at me as if I were a disgusting animal that if he allowed me even a hint of wiggle room, I could turn on him.
One moment he was watching me across the room, and the next, he was right up in front of me, maybe only twelve inches separating us. Height was also a factor. Loki towered over me while I felt quite tiny in both height and weight. He out muscled me by a long shot. Even as he leaned his head lower to my head, I didn't feel afraid. Mentally, I was disturbed at my mind's ability to manipulate reality, but I felt a strange peacefulness to me, as if this was right, tender, normal.
Astrange tension filled the air. I felt inclined to lean forward and kiss him.Strangely, for a nanosecond, I felt he wanted the exact same thing. Our eyeskept glancing at each other's lips, almost as if it was taking strong willpoweron both of our parts not to capture the others lips in a soft embrace. "Doyou remember the knife, Sigyn?" Loki questioned in a whisper; his eyesnarrowed dangerously as he glared at me. His breath felt icy cold against myforehead as he spoke down at me. "Do you remember the way the razor-sharpblade felt against your soft flesh right before it killed you?"
A loud bang behind me sounded. Whipping around, I found my mother was in mydoorway with box of cereal and a pair of narrowed eyes. "Are you allright??"
Looking back to where Loki was, I found he was no longer there. It was done.Game over, hallucination gone. "Y-yeah," I answered, inwardly feelingthis wasn't true at all.
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