"How can you help someone who doesn't think they need to be helped? Who thinks they're a hopeless case?" Camila asked Alycia with a sigh as she glanced over at Gabe who was in between Eliza's legs as they played Mario Kart together, Eliza determined to beat the four year old.
Alycia looked away from Eliza and Gabe and back to Camila. "Is this about Lauren?" she asked.
Camila nodded as she ran a hand through her hair. "She just...she thinks she can't let go of the circus because of this stupid legacy. But she doesn't want to be in the circus anymore...she's done. She leaves in three days, Alycia. And I feel like if I let her go...I'll lose her. I don't know if I can handle her living this life she clearly doesn't want to live. I want to help her...but she's so stubborn and tries to make it seem like it's not a bad thing. It is. The circus is destroying her. And I don't even think she fully accepts that fact."
Alycia hummed as she leaned forward. "Have you tried talking to her about it?"
Camila sighed. "So many times. But she dismisses it so quickly." She shook her head.
"Then I think she knows exactly what the circus is doing to her. But she's stuck. The circus is all she knows, Camila." Alycia told her. "She's never had control over her life and she's afraid of having it."
"But..." Camila chewed on her lip. "She has me...I'm something she knows too..."
Alycia smiled tightly. "Sometimes, having a person be there for you is not enough to dissipate whatever you're feeling."
Camila sighed. "I wish it could be enough." She mumbled. "I just...I just want her to talk to me. Be honest and talk to me."
Alycia hummed before leaning closer to Camila. "This is probably not good advice, but it works." She whispered.
Camila raised an eyebrow before nodding. "Okay...what is it?"
"You know, they always say that the best way to get anyone to be honest is by getting them drunk." Alycia said.
Camila was surprised by the advice and raised an eyebrow. "That's probably the most fucked up suggestion you've ever given me, but it's surprisingly true."
Alycia shrugged. "You don't have to do it. But if you want answers, it'd probably help to get her drunk and have her say what she refuses to say sober."
Camila nodded. "Yeah...well...I feel like I have no other option but to do that." she sighed. "Will it work?"
"Sometimes, it's better to not know. The unknown is scary, but it's better to not know it than to know everything. Knowing everything only causes more anxiety." Alycia shrugged. "Sometimes all you gotta do is hope the world doesn't bite you in the ass this time around."
________________________
Lauren smiled as she crawled over to Camila who was writing in a notebook on her bed. "Whatcha writing there?" she whispered, kissing Camila's jaw.
Camila hummed. "Give me a second before you seduce me." She mumbled.
Lauren giggled and kissed Camila's lips gently. "And how do you know I didn't already?" she smirked.
Camila rolled her eyes. "Shut up." she chuckled.
Lauren smiled before wrapping her arms around Camila. "Okay, but seriously...what are you writing?" she asked.
"A poem." Camila responded.
"So detailed." Lauren chuckled. "What's this poem about? It's not depressing, right?"
Camila kissed Lauren's cheek. "It's about you. And it's not depressing." She chuckled. "Do you want to read it?" Lauren nodded and Camila handed the notebook over to Lauren and then rested her head on Lauren's shoulder.
a letter to my soulmate
My favorite number is one.
Because there will always be just one of You to love for one lifetime. And You are the only one I want to love. The only one. Do You see that? I love You.
Singular.
You.
One.
There is one of me and one of You and together we create one love no one else can recreate.
There is only one Sun and one Moon, and I think that, this time, the universe chose them to collide.
And once will be enough.
Camila heard sniffling and quickly looked up at Lauren. "Are you okay?"
Lauren nodded as she wiped away tears. "Yeah." She whispered with a soft smile. "It's just..."
"What?" Camila kissed Lauren's cheek.
"I can't believe someone loves me."
Camila felt her heart tighten at the words. "I'm not the only one that loves you." she said, caressing Lauren's cheek. "Many people love you."
"Not like you. Never like you. With them...there are always reasons why they love me, you know? But with you...it's unexplainable. I can never pinpoint why you could love me. I ponder and ponder and I never reach a conclusion. So I just explained it the way my father would."
Camila looked at Lauren. "How would he explain it?"
"Anything unexplainable is magic." Lauren said softly, taking Camila's hand and kissing it. "If you have an exact reason to love someone, then you don't love them. Love is endless, and so should the reasons for it." She shrugged. "So you're magic. Our love is magic."
Camila smiled and kissed Lauren's lips deeply before wrapping her arms around Lauren's neck, resting her head against Lauren's. "I love you."
Lauren smiled back. "I love you too."
"Let's go out." Camila suggested. "We can go to...a bar. With excellent music to dance to. You and me."
After hearing Lauren's words, Camila knew she couldn't lose her. She had to do something to help her before she lost her for good this time.
Lauren raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Magic?" Camila smiled cheekily.
Lauren giggled and kissed Camila's cheek multiple times before shaking her head. "Just because that response was adorable."
Camila smiled before patting Lauren's thigh and getting out of bed. "Get ready then."
"I, uh, don't really have anything nice to wear. Like, to wear to a bar." Lauren blushed. "I mean, have clothes. Just nothing...nicer than t-shirts and flannels." She chuckled.
Camila hummed. "Guess we're going shopping then."
Lauren scrunched up her nose. "I get the feeling we're going to take so long shopping if you're involved."
Camila chuckled and walked over to Lauren and pecked her lips. "Let's find out." She winked.
_____________
Camila felt guilt as soon as she held Lauren's hair as the girl puked her guts out on the porcelain toilet when they got home from the bar. Most of the night, they hadn't even talked. It was mostly Lauren being all giggly and rambling about things that didn't make sense while squealing excitedly that every song that came on was "her song" and would start trying to sing along to the song.
Camila thought it was adorable, but tonight was not the night for Lauren to be adorable. She needed answers. Camila flushed the toilet when Lauren finished and helped her up. "At least you can puke your guts out in the comfort of my home."
Lauren only groaned as a reply as they walked to the living room and Lauren sat down, letting out a squeak when she sat down on one of Gabe's toys—a stupid Barbie in a very uncoordinated outfit. She grabbed it and tossed it aside. "That's a weapon." She slurred. "The government needs to ban it."
Camila chuckled. "I guess so."
Lauren looked up at the ceiling before looking over at Camila who sat down next to her. "Dude...you're like...so beautiful."
Camila blushed and looked down. "You are very drunk."
Lauren hummed. "I'm totally shitfaced." She agreed. "But even though I see two of you, I see double the beauty." She gave a goofy smile.
Camila chuckled and looked at Lauren before kissing her forehead. "Even when you're drunk and don't make much sense, I still love you so much." She whispered.
Lauren smiled at the kiss before turning her body to face Camila, tilting her head. "You're not that drunk."
"I only drank wine, babe. You drank vodka and tequila."
"It was great." Lauren smiled. "It's more fun getting drunk at a bar than alone in your bus and crying." She said softly.
Camila raised an eyebrow at the words. "What do you mean?"
Lauren hummed. "I'm being mean?" she asked.
Camila shook her head. "You mentioned about getting drunk on your bus and crying...tell me more."
"Ooh, like a story?" Lauren giggled. "I'm the storyteller now?" she wiggled her eyebrows.
Camila nodded. "Tell me that story." She whispered.
Lauren hummed as she leaned back. "Well... I missed my sun." Lauren said softly. "I didn't want to be sober without her. It just felt better being drunk than remembering a time I was happy. And it was only a few days." She shrugged. "And I'm leaving in a few days so we all know it probably won't end well." She chuckled.
Camila chewed on her lip. "Well what if you stay with me? You don't have to stay with the circus."
Lauren chuckled dryly. "I know I don't. And the circus doesn't need me...I need it."
"What do you mean?" Camila raised an eyebrow.
"It's the only thing that never leaves me." Lauren got quiet for a moment. "My dad left me...you left—well I let you go—but we were doomed from the start." She mumbled. "Ally left...everyone eventually leaves me and the only thing that stays with me is the circus. This is the only permanent thing I got, Camila. Not even you are permanent—or maybe you are, who knows? That's the thing...I don't know if you are permanent. But my circus...I know it will stay with me. That's why I can't let it go. What happens if I leave the circus and then you wind up leaving me? Then what will I have?"
Camila wasn't sure what to tell Lauren. The only thing she did was pull Lauren towards her and hugged her. "You'll never lose me."
"I already did once." Lauren muffled against Camila's neck.
Camila lifted up Lauren's head so the girl would look at her. "Listen to me," she into Lauren's eyes. "You are the one. The only one. I don't care if the next person I meet is the most perfect person out there—fuck that. I don't want a perfect person, Lauren. I want someone with a story and wanting to write a story with me. I want you with me so that we can tell the greatest story alive. My love for you is something so...incredible...that even I, a writer, can't write. But I know fate is writing our story, and it's amazing. Even if your story has bumps and mistakes...I want them. I want to read the whole story. Let me read your story, Lauren, please. I want to read it. You are the only book I want to read."
Tears were streaming down Lauren's face and Camila wiped them away. "You won't leave me?" she asked.
Camila shook her head. "No." she whispered.
Lauren gulped. "I'm scared to leave the circus." She whispered.
Camila tucked a strand of hair behind Lauren's ear. "Why?"
"What if I'm not good enough for anything else but that? I'm not good enough for anything. I'm not good enough for you and I'm not good enough to live a life without the circus backing me up. I don't know how to live...life. I don't know what it's like to wake up in the morning to a bed that I know is mine in a house that I know I share with someone I love and to do whatever I want without having the fucking circus on my mind. I'm so use to it on my mind, Camila. How...how can I live without it?"
"Baby, I'm right here to help you get your life together." Camila assured. "Can't you see how much it destroys you? You don't want to be there, and you know it."
"But...what if I lose my magic leaving it? I don't want to lose the wonder and imagination I got from it..." she trailed off before sighing. "Who am I kidding? I lost that a while ago. It just..." she paused. "It controls me. The circus has power over me. I have a legacy to uphold, you know?" she mumbled, wiping away tears. "I can't disappoint anyone."
Camila looked at Lauren. "Nothing in life is permanent. Not even the circus. We live life taking risks with everything. Nothing is ever certain, so just live in the now. Don't think even a second from now. Just think about now. What do you want right now?"
"Happiness."
"Then get it."
Lauren shook her head. "You act like it's so easy." She mumbled.
"It is—"
"No it isn't!" Lauren exclaimed as she ran her hands through her hair. "I lost so much because of that fucking circus!" Lauren's voice cracked. "My life is wasting away and I have no control over it! This circus is the only reminder I have that I still have something. It may not make me happy, but it sure as hell gives me security that I have something to hold onto. When I leave here, it's the only thing I'll have. I don't even have you."
"I know letting go isn't easy." Camila said. "Did you want to let me go?" Lauren shook her head. "But you did anyway...you did it anyway. You may not want to let this go...but you have to. It's not letting you be happy. If you let the circus go...you're on the first step to living life on your terms."
Lauren sighed and shrugged. "I don't know...I just—I'm so scared to actually live in the outside world. A world without the circus in it. It's like cutting a part of myself away."
Camila rubbed Lauren's back. "Sometimes...letting go what hurts you is what heals you."
It's been a few months...sorry about that. I've had school to deal with so it hasn't been easy to write much. I don't know if this is even any good but I figured you guys needed an update lol
It's been a crazy couple of weeks too...with the elections and all. But I'm not bringing that into here. There's enough angst here as it is, haha.
Quick question...just out of curiosity. What song reminds you of this story? I just want more songs to add to my playlist.
As always
Twitter: @jenniferdontpls
Tumblr: loovelikee-fools
Take care,
Jennifer