Rylan POV
"Nooooo..... Don't leave me. I beg you...." I screamed and crying until my throat becomes sore. The person I loved had left me. In addition, the last moment we shared only a bitterness. He didn't remember me until the end.
He kept calling his dead mate in slept and awoke. I was nothing more than a bystander to him was. It pains me when he tried to recollect our life together but later ended with a mountain of regret. He regretted married to me. He was regretting filling someone else after the death of his mate.
His statement makes me think over the life we spent together. Was it true? Or is it only a sympathized? Had he ever loved me? I don't know and I don't want to know the true. However, his dead really left a big hollow in my life.
I suddenly feel jaded with everything. The prejudice side that had been long in buried surface again. I feel the emptiness and numb to any pain. I am so tired, stressed, aggravated, annoyed, pissed, and fed up. I am closing myself off. I can't take no more. Tired fucking trying and it does no good in the end.
For one I realize no matter how much I have craved for the love, it never was mine to begin it. Everything served as the lies, just like an illusion in the Sahara Desert. I don't even want to try anymore because I feel unwanted, annoying and afraid that all I'll ever be.
Allen cried also had hurt me deepened. The small child refused to share his experience during the kidnaped. No matter how we persuaded he didn't spilled anything. We can't determine how much traumatic he was or the damage he took. Nevertheless, he had indeed changed too much. From the caring and cheerfulness boy he turns to distant and gloom. From the patience boy to impatience boy. He will shout and angry over a small thing that not suit in his way.
The pack's Beta also needs to call Alpha Kai to inquire all the information related to kidnapped case. Thankfully they tell us everything but didn't touch too much about Allen's condition. They just tell us that Allen witnessed Alfred tortured session.
I lost the track of time during the funeral period. I don't know what is going on as my mind trapped in maze block. Honestly, Alfred last treatment getting into my nerve so badly. My body and hand was going colder as many people come to hugs and shakes a condolence to me.
Everything they said or told just flow as a river. The words got into the right ear and leave through left ear. I can't even explain how I feel anymore, my thought is so messed up in my head that I don't even understand them.
I give up. To move on is to grow yet I haven't been able to accomplish either. I know yet I can't bring myself to move forward. My mind filled with black clusters that had been blocked all the wills to live on. I know I'm being difficult and selfish here.
However, I already drown before I can move my hand and feet to swim. Everything happened until this point proven that I'm disqualified as a human. Just like what the bullies told me, I just a waste of space, means nothing nor worth to be loved.
Allen wailed and cried during the funeral become deafened to my ears, blocking any other people. My watery eyes work an automated as they start burying my husband. The weather also not in good mood. The thunder roars in the sky but it can't shake my body anymore.
I feel an electricity spark when Ivan touched me. I saw a silent tear fills his orbs that reflected my ugly figure in it. I witnessed the same sadness as me in him as well. It has like our heart and feeling wave in the same rhythm.
For one I forget every bad thing he had done on me. For one I feel so fucking glad when he keep a silence accompany beside me. The people start leaving the ground when the rain start hit the ground but it was not enough to make me walking away.
I can't do anything when Allen starts to dig the soil on the fresh grave of his daddy. I watched as Ivan takes the wailing Allen in his chest. He rocked the small body with and sometime flinched when Allen revolting in arms.
I look over the fresh grave again with a heavy feeling. I'm not strong enough to face the future alone again. The hot tears again flow out from my eye. I snapped my sight to the Ivan when I feel the electricity current in my hand. My mind has become zero as I saw the grave become small and small. It like I had drawn into my own world and wish to never ever getting up again.
My shield becomes zero and mindless walking without any aim. I don't know how I end up in my bedroom, staring at the wedding picture of us. Watching a big smile plastered on the face the person whom just left me.
The guilty hit me so fucking bad. Why I doubt his feeling all this time? Why I let the bad health of Alfred got me so hard. The doctor had explained that he suffered the partial memory loss. He can't help it when he can't remember who I am.
That was not his fault. I had let the sadness overshadow all his love and happiness we shared together. I'm the one who should bear the blame. I'm too weak when I let those dark whispering got the best of me. I want to laugh. I want to laugh over my stupidity. I just let five and half years we had spent together overwritten merely by the four weeks dark moments.
And, Alfred gotten into the fatal condition when he rescued my son. Why I can't think in better way? Why I let my mind roaming in doubtful? I'm worse. I'm scum. I'm sorry Alfred. I'm sorry Alfred. I chanted the phrase over and over until I was choked by my own sadness. The darkness blanketed my sight.
In the darkness, I watched Alfred screamed and painful whimpered when the dull saw severed both his hands, and when the axe chopped both of his legs. A group of thunderous laughter filled the room. I also watched when the faceless men take a pleasure from the small figure that screamed in the pain and hopelessness.
"Daddy help me, papa help me." My heart constricted tightly watching the nonstop scene replaying in my sight.
"They weren't in those humiliated and painful states if you never exist. Your son will not become a sex toy if you never being a freak whore. No man ever had the ability to reproduce. You're totally freak. And if you never met Alfred, he may still alive without the need to through such a painful experience."
"You're so selfish that start spread a bad luck into innocent's life. You're unworthy whore. You shouldn't keep alive when you had destroyed them. Someone like you disqualified to become a father when letting others to protect the one you should protect. If you still had a shred of humanity it better for you to end your life now than bring another misfortune to other."
The mysterious whispered make me gasp when I awoke. I immediately search in the drawer and find out the new sharp razor. I slashed my hand without thinking and stare to overflow red liquid fascinating.
I lay on the bed letting the bleeding hand hanging on the air. Strangely, I didn't feel any pain or dizziness. I just vacant from any emotion at the moment as if all the feeling flowed out with the blood. The moment doesn't last too long when the door hastily open.
Ivan comes close with the rage show clearly in his face. I saw how he barely contain it result his body shaking when he stare me. I pull my hand when he grabs it. But my weak condition had prevented me from rebel against him.
He carried me into the bathroom again as I lose the will to fight back when he treated the bleeding hand. I just saw how he cleans the wounded area and licks to disinfect the area. I know they had fast generate healing but do it working on me? As is to answer my question, the place starts to amend itself.
"I will take Allen and you back to my pack. That is finalized!" I awake from the dumbness when his sentence registers in my mind. All of the sudden the wave of the anger filled me.
"As if you can... I would not follow your order. My home is here." Is he stupid? I should have known all the kindness he show just a trick to get me into his bed again. He wants me to become his whore again, spread my legs without shame.
Then his next sentence makes my shoulder slump. "You had lost the right after your husband died. If you are still here people either give you sympathize look or blame you and Allen upon Alfred died. In addition, I had the right to forcefully drag you from here as your mate and father to future Alpha. You wouldn't like an idea of losing Allen, am I right?"
I stare on his ridiculous look. Like hell I will let him have my boy. The one that never substitutes me for anyone else. I don't know which one of us who losing our sanity here. He is walking out of the room when I change to a new shirt.
I'm not the bastard to run to another man just because my husband just passes away. I'd owed Alfred too much that I can never pay back with my lifetime. I may the second person whom occupied his heart, but he didn't treat me as a second loved. He loved me for real and genuine. He accepted me for who I am. He raised my son as his own.
So, what the hell I never think like this during his bedridden. I supposed to support him just like how he had done to me. But, I just proof myself as a big dickhead by treating him half hearted.
I can't follow Ivan causes I know I'll succumb to him again in no time. I know the power of the mate and I know what my heart desire the most. When thinking back, I deserved when Alfred had chosen his mate over me. It is a part of my karma as I cheated on husband with the mate that discarded me long ago.
I dared to dream off about Ivan consoling me the first day Alfred awoke from his coma. I dared to compare both of the men and what they have meant in my life. I'm really the worst human being. I want people to stay faithful with me when I am the one who broke the unwritten rule.
I quickly run downstairs in my hasty self-wrecked thought. I feel so much devastated with myself and losing the one, I thought I loved the most. I ignore every presence that crosses my sight. I glad that Alfred's car key still in it.
Without thought, I drove the car aimlessly. I just feel I need to go far away from this place. I feel like trapping in between a huge tidal of wave and angry fire. It is either all burned or drowns me from inside. The tears keep running down my face like some flood river. I need to get away because my brain giving a command to speed up.
Thankfully, the area kind of the rural place that make the traffic less at night. The car going fast than I usually drove making the scenery blurry. I hear a phone ringing from my pocket. First, I'm going to ignore but the tone continuous ringing.
I get it out but the phone slipped off from my palm. I duck to pick it up but shock when a honk blasting from the front car mirror. It was too late when I see a trailer coming front with blinking headlight.
My hand automatically skidded the car to the left, making it spin a few times before it hit the tree in road sidelines. My head hit the steering making me see stars before the blackness taking my conscience. Maybe this is better for everyone if I am going to the afterlife. Ivan can be finally his free from his suffering and restart his life again. Allen will surely safe in his father care. And, if I can have a chance I want to watch Alfred happiness with his mate afterlife. It's like dead wasn't the bad as people talked.
*****************
I groan when my surrounding fill with a crowded noisy people. I open my eyes, observing a strange an elegant room that I never step before. Where I am? Gasps going around the room that take my eyes from observing the room further.
The people inside the room watch me like some exotic doll. I place my eyesight on Ivan. He wore unreadable emotion. Somehow, I can still feel the hopeless, angry, and self-degrading mixed in his vacant eyes.
"Water." I clear my throat. Ivan rush to pour the plain water and give to me.
"Thank God! You finally wake up." A sweet motherly voice from a middle age woman talked after long taciturnity.
I choose to go as a mean and disrespect man because in the end I still with my decision not to patch my bond with Ivan. I can tell from the striking resemblance between an old couple and Ivan that they are his parents. I don't need to start bonding with them just to break later.
"Dad, Mum, would you please give us some space. He just wakes up in strange place. I'll let you guys meet him when it convenience to him." I watched Ivan smile to his parents' direction. The smile didn't reach his eyes at all.
"Yes, son. Mmm, Rylan, right? Sorry for our disturbance visit, you may rest for now, son." The same woman still was giving an honest smile.
"Rylan, I know you hate me to the core. I know you want nothing related to me. But, I plead you please be nice to my parents. They never hurt you. They are an innocent party. Please just direct all your hatred and revenge only to me." Ivan takes a seat beside me.
Ivan word holds the truth. His parents had nothing to do with our problem. They are just meeting me and I had shown them the rudeness. I should have treated them in better way or said hi as to acknowledge their presence. I turn around to cover the guilty I have.
"Rylan, you know I never blame you on this." A spark flew across my hand as he takes it in him.
"No, I rather feel more gratitude to you if you just leave me to the dead." I hardened my heart from show him anything that can raise the futile hope.
"No I can do... you're my mate and father to my son. He needs us to complete his family." Ivan still stares me with a hopeful look.
"He can strive alive even without one of us. If, he creates a burden to you, just leave him at the orphanage." I said even it is breaking my own heart. I can't imagine leaving my son in so called hell as I through a long ago.
"Why you're so heartless? He is an innocent boy, Rylan. You can't leashed your hatred and revenge to someone else. What if he hears it? He had nothing to do with the current situation. You can blame me for all bad things." Ivan shook my body as if he had been thrown by a bucket of ice.
"Not related? Hmm... because of him, I got entitled with freak man species that able to reproduce from same sex relationship. Because of him, I nearly lost my life to crazy doctors. And, because of him, I lost my beloved husband." I feel like my heart had been hammered by hot solid iron.
"He just a small boy... he never wished it to happened nor he had any idea what actually happen. He needs you to get over the trauma he had suffered." Ivan said again.
I turn my head to open window. "But he never can erase the fact he murdered my husband. He just selfish just likes you." I bark to his face.
"You... argh...fucked." He kicks the chair across the room. He looks distraught and regret for the reason I never know nor do I want to know.
"You need to take a good rest. We will talk again when you fully heal..." He walked to the door.
"No! I don't need it. What I need is to be free from the beast like you and this shithole hell." I taunted him.
"No still mean no. You will never get another chance to hide from mine or leave my pack. Never ever and that is final." He said a second before he slammed the door.
I use the pillow to muffle my cried. I swear the word mean nothing. I won't had a heart to hurt my only son but I have too. I have to make Ivan disgust and stop pursuing me. I just can't back to him. I feel so much guilty.
I blatantly used the white lie to cover all the misery and hopelessness in my case. I just don't compatible and being a part of their family. Forgive me, Allen. Please forgive your stupid father. No matter what happen I will forever love you, Allen.
I just wanted that person begin to hate me again. I want him to forget me causes I know how much it hurt to getting into another person's heart. I want to end it for one and all. To set free all the bound heart. At the same time, I want to respect my late husband even I need to stay alone for this lifetime.
I owed him too much. Too much that I can't be selfish to switch the man instantly and being so much greedy than I am now. Ivan deserves someone else.
Truth to his word, he didn't mutter any word after last time we spoke about the relation we had. He checks me every time to make sure I take the food and medicine. I miss my son but lately I feel as if Allen starts distant himself from me. He avoids me as much as he can.
I visit Allen room at night when everyone has fallen into a dream. I kiss the boy and checking his condition, but it wrecked my heart each time he screams and cried in his dream. I know the bad experience had haunted him into a dream.
When it happens, I take his small body on mine and rock him gently. Thankfully, he didn't wake up like him have compensate all the sleep deprived he suffered. I need to get away from here as soon as possible.
The closeness between Ivan and I had thickened our bond. I afraid it will lead to something I will certainly regret in the future. In a blink of eyes, one week had passed. I feel it is time for me to leave the place.
I walked to the balcony and saw a group of the children playing outside under heavy surveillance from the warriors. On the other side, I can see a mini training ground. From the observed, I can tell the people there is an omega.
Ivan was among the group, watching his pack member training. All of sudden a half naked blonde girl jumps on his back. I feel my blood start boiling up and without notice my nail has already sunk into my other flesh arms. I want to tear the slut badly. I want to shred her flesh and feed it to a hungry dog.
Later, Ivan turns around and meets my eyes. A big grinned decorated his handsome face causes my heart beating loudly. I stunt in my place without reply his wave or do anything else. I walked inside the room, trying to calm the storm inside my heart. An hour later, a soft knock hit my door.
"What you want again?" I said turn my back face him.
"I think it is a time for us to discuss our relation." He takes to sit on the sorry chair he had kicked before.
"No. I want to get out of this shitty place soon. You can keep your spawn anyway." I hardened my heart and voice.
"Listen to me, Rylan. Allen need both of us to complete him. You have a responsibility to shoulder for our son well being." He viciously shook my face from him the moment he takes it.
"For your information, I had done my part from the day he was created in my freaky womb till now. He is you from now and onward. And, I want to get out latest by this noon no matter what. If you try to hold me that mean you're willing when I abuse Allen." I said. There is no way I can hurt my only son.
"No, I wouldn't let you go for the second times. I had my lesson the first time I thought you had died. I don't want to go through the hell again. Can't we try to repair our relation? I beg and will patiently wait you." He takes me in his embrace. I stone myself as to protest his action.
I immediately push him when he hugs feel like forever. My heart is hammering my chest hard that the pain almost cause me to fall back into the chisel chest front me. God I will crazy if I keep here any longer.
I get up and walked to the door, pull the knob and walking fast to the main entrance. A harsh tug make my body spin around to face him. Ivan gives me incredulous look that is the sign his patience has running out.
"I won't grant you any permission to get out from my land." He said with so much authority but it didn't affect me at all.
"As if I care. You mean nothing to me and I had nothing to do with this mutt pissing territory. Am I clear? I reject you as my mate." A sharp pain slashes my heart. In the same time, Ivan let go my hand and claw his chest.
His movement become sway and I saw blaming eyes around me from some corner. I don't intent to push the matter this further. I want to take away his pain but it will shake my resolve later.
I used the moment to dragging my heavy feet out from the suffocate place. I keep walking even when Allen cried for me to stop. I peel his small fingers from my thigh when he caught me. It break my heart when a tears filling his face.
"Baby, please stay with your other dad for now. I'd nobody and nothing to keep you safe." I caress his thick mane.
"I want to follow you no matter where. I don't care if you hate me as long as we can be together." He hugs my thigh for dear life. I see Ivan behind Allen with tears stained face. He had difficulty in breathing too.
I slowly push Allen small figure and as I predict Ivan catch him before he land on the land. I know I start to create drama here. I had reduced the almighty alpha to pathetic state. The rain starts pouring hard on us.
Ivan catches my body after I start dragging feet again. He begs and kneels down ignoring all the eyes of his pack member. I know I had humiliated him front his pack member. I tug myself from his hard body, blocking Allen begging in the same time.
Finally, I can free myself and walking away passes them. Ivan fall in his knee, begging and screaming my name while hugging the wailing Allen. The person I recognize as Beta coming and handover a bunch of the key to my hand.
"If you just a mere outsider, I will kill you on the spot for humiliated our Alpha like that. You are disqualify as a mate and father. Good luck with your journey to the hell." My face turns pale as he said it. He almost hit the jackpot with the last sentence.
I hastily walk and take the black car park near us. I take a last glance over them and tears falling down like the heavy rains. I reverse the car quickly and leave the ground as fast as possible. I drive to the first place Alfred proposed me. I want to get my peace again and free everyone.
Goodbye Ivan.
Goodbye Allen.
Please forget this worthless piece of shit and erase me from your memory.
A/N
Sorry guy my head got a little blocker head last week. Hope you will enjoy the chapter with a vote and comment too. Thank you for supporting my story and sorry for didn't reply any comment yet. Good night and happy weekend.