I smooth down a hand over my black formfitting dress, the velvety texture of it providing little comfort. A deep sigh exhales roughly through my teeth and I can't decide if I'm angry or upset. Maybe both. I don't know. I do know that what I'm feeling right now is nothing compared to what Jaxon must be going through. As if he knew I was thinking about him, I suddenly see him appear in the doorway of my room from the reflection of the mirror I'm standing in front of.
"Hey, you." I say softly, not turning around.
He gives me a ghost of a smile, looking so unsure and not at all like his usually cocky self that it breaks me a little. I keep his gaze as he approaches me and wraps his arms around my waist from behind. He rests his chin on my shoulder as I grip his forearms and we watch one another in our reflections.
"How are you feeling?" I ask quietly.
One of his brows goes up and I chuckle.
"Stupid question. Sorry."
He searches my eyes in the mirror and sighs deeply.
"I don't know what I'm feeling." He admits. "I'm kind of numb. I think that's better than feeling something, to be honest."
"Yeah." I turn around in his arms and they stay in place, hands locking against my back and pulling me against him. "Or it's better to feel bit by bit instead of withholding, then bursting all at once."
His jaw ticks like he doesn't agree. Without a word, I slide my hands up his chest and begin fixing his mess of a tie. He was probably too distracted to make it properly. He watches me in silence as I loop and tug one side through, pulling up and bringing him closer to my face with my hand fisted around the cloth.
"If you do burst, you'll have me. You'll always have me."
"I know." He whispers. He tilts his head the slightest and lowers his head, capturing my lips in the softest kiss that I return with closed eyes. He doesn't try anything more and neither do I but it's okay because this kiss is for comfort and we both know it.
"Let's go?" I ask when we pull away.
He nods and tightens his hold on me. He's not ready and I don't think he'll ever be but I take his hand and do my best to be the anchor he so desperately needs.
The car ride is silent and I hold his hand with one hand while driving with the other. I didn't think he was equipped to drive so I insisted on doing it. I knew he wasn't feeling like himself when he instantly agreed without a fight. Every so often, I look at him from the side of my eye and catch him staring outside the window. His face is blank and he never looks away during the entire ride. I don't think he's even looking at anything, just staring off and lost in his thoughts.
At one point I feel his thumb brush over the back of my hand and look down. There's something entirely significant about the image of his large hand encasing my much smaller one, rough and calloused whereas mine as softer and delicate, yet I'm the one lending strength to him. It makes my throat tighten as my heart aches for him and I hastily swallow away the boulder. His eyes are closed now and I'm grateful he doesn't see me getting emotional. He doesn't need this side of me right now.
I stop the car when we arrive and the consistent humming of the car shuts off, encasing us in a loud silence. He doesn't let go of our joined hands and neither do I. I turn my body and lean the side of my head against my seat, watching him. His eyes are pinched shut and he exhales roughly through his nose. I know him well enough to tell that he's trying not to cry. I want to rub my chest so the pain in my heart goes away. He doesn't deserve this. The shaky breath he inhales causes my gut to tighten. My strong man, my fighter, has never looked so weak.
"Right here, baby." I remind him.
"Yeah." I track his Adam's apple as he swallows and he finally opens his eyes. He stares up at the roof of the car, unshed tears tickling his eyelashes. I blink fast to restrain my own tears. "Let's just get this over with."
He leaves the car abruptly and without a word. I get out from the driver's side and follow him soundlessly, my clacking heels against the pavement the only noise, and we make our way inside the church. The first thing I notice when we enter is how empty it is. It's saddening but at the same time I'm grateful it will mostly be just me and Jaxon. Other than a middle aged couple, the man rugged with both his arms covered in tattoos and a woman with spunky blue hair and too much face metal to count, it's just us.
I bump into what feels like a wall then quickly realize it's Jaxon's back, having not payed attention to where I'd been going because my focus was fixed on the other couple. I look around to get a glimpse of his face and wonder why he just stopped when I see him staring straight ahead, jaw clenched, hard eyes on the two black caskets at the front. He reaches behind his back blindly and I grab his hand, immediately understanding. His grip on me is lethal but I don't protest once as he swiftly leads us to the very front seats.
"Good Morning." The minister smiles kindly at us. I return it but Jaxon remains stoic as ever. "Thank you for attending."
"I already regret it." Jaxon says under his breath and I nudge him in chastise. The minister eyes Jaxon with a soft look, understanding etched on his face.
"I'm sure your parents would appreciate your presence if they knew."
"Okay." He barks and his tone leaves no room for discussion.
"Jax, baby." I say under my breath. He pulls in what I hope is a calming breath and drops his head.
"Sorry." He mutters his apology and sits down, guiding me beside him. I'm practically close enough to be on his lap. He folds his other hand around our intertwined ones, bringing the bundle up to place a kiss on the back of my hand before placing it in his lap. I lean over and kiss his cheek in reassurance. His rigid body doesn't mask his discomfort in the least and I lean back with a sigh, waiting to provide him comfort when he breaks. It's inevitable he'll break.
"I want to thank everyone attending this funeral ceremony of Carla and Jeremy Cage. Their timely end was too soon, snatched away by the unfortunate event of drug overdose. I didn't know them personally but, as always, I'm honoured to speak for those who pass and share their lingering memories with the people who love them. I've been told that Carla and Jeremy were adventurous spirits, albeit maybe lost, but free nonetheless. I'm sure in their passing they will now join their son, who had also passed not too long ago, Samuel Cage. This family..."
The death hold on my hand causes me to wince and break my gaze off of the minister. Jaxon is gripping my hand so fiercely I'm pretty sure it's cutting off my blood circulation. I watch him inhale and exhale roughy, nostrils flaring, and I know he's seconds away from losing it. I use my free hand to run my fingers through his hair and guide his head to my shoulder. I hold him there and hope like hell he doesn't break in the middle of the ceremony. Before any sadness will come Jaxon's wrath and these people have no idea how deadly Jaxon can get.
"These are lies. He doesn't know shit." His voice is low and blatantly withholding anger.
"I know that, and so do you. Who else's opinion matters?"
"I don't care what the fuck he says about my parents but he better keep Sammy's name out of his mouth."
"I understand that, babe."
"No you fucking don't." He growls and lifts his head, scooting away.
I take a calming breath of my own, knowing he has his own way of fighting his battles, and face forward without another word. The lady of the couple I saw earlier is walking up to the podium to speak and I lean forward watching her, my interest piqued. I briefly wonder who she is.
"So." She clears her throat dramatically. "I knew Carla for a really long time. We went to raves together, smoked together, really lived it up. My husband was inseparable with Jeremy just as I was with Carla. It's hard to believe they're gone. They were just here one minute and the next...what was supposed to be a fun night of partying turned into a mistake both him and I may always regret."
Her voice cracks a little and my earlier judgement of her disperses. No matter who Jaxon's parents were as people, they left their mark behind and their absence definitely affected some.
"I kept on thinking that she would wake up the next day, that she was just passed out. I cooked breakfast for her and Jer the next day to help with their hangover. There was no way I could have known that they'd never wake up again or that the breakfast I made would be left cold and untouched. The best friends I ever had, knew inside and out, were gone."
She drops her head and a silence takes over the church. I twist my head the slightest to look at the seats behind me, three rows down, and see the woman's husband also has his head bowed. He lifts it up suddenly and locks eyes with me, eyebrows drawing in confusion like he's wondering who the hell I am and what I'm doing here. I quickly turn back around and this time see the woman's eyes on me. Her gaze is just as inquisitive. She looks next to me and freezes when she sees Jaxon, eyes blinking rapidly and disbelief etched on her face.
"Her, uh... she talked a lot about her only son Samuel Cage and his passing. I wish I could have met him."
What the fuck? My head whips around at that as I can feel my eyes widening. Jaxon's humourless chuckle sounds beside me and my stomach suddenly churns. I take back whatever remorse I felt for his parents. They were twisted assholes. I can't believe they wrote Jaxon out of their lives completely and my anger rises to a level I've never experienced. This entire day I've been on edge and waiting for Jaxon to explode but it would seem I've beat him to it.
"What the fuck did you just say?" I damn near yell and jump out of my seat. The woman looks startled and the minister pales.
"Do not swear on this holy ground-"
"Yeah. Sorry." I cut in quickly and turn back to the woman. "Only son, was it?"
"I, uh, from what I know..." she trails off as her eyes cut to Jaxon again and that same sort of disbelief lingers on her expression. It doesn't take a genius to figure she's made a connection about who Jaxon is and is reeling from the shock. I continue, absolutely fuming.
"Guess you didn't know your best friend as well as you thought because she had another fucking son and he's standing right next to me. Based on the shell-shocked expression you had on your face when you saw him my best guess is you've already figured out what I'm telling you. That makes you a smart woman. If you're really as smart as I'm hoping you are then you'll realize your friend was a disrespectful and ignorant woman."
"Babe." Jaxon cuts in, sounding a little baffled but definitely in awe. I don't even spare him a glance or falter. I'm on a fucking roll.
"The man standing beside me, my boyfriend and an amazing father of the most beautiful and intelligent girl I've met, is nothing short of determined and hard-working. The woman who doesn't deserve to be his mother let him and his little brother down, not to mention the granddaughter I'm sure you didn't know about either."
The woman's face pales but I don't even pause to take a breath.
"So I'm sorry that you're hurting because I feel bad for you. You didn't know their true colours and now that you do, I'm hoping you'll stand off of that podium because they don't deserve your words either."
The silence is deafening as I grab Jaxon's hand without hesitation and stomp away, leading us away from the funeral we shouldn't have attended. I can't believe Jaxon chose to attend out of respect when, as far as his parents were concerned, he no longer even existed. He was dead to them before they were dead to him. That fucking blows.
We almost near the car when the woman's voice calls out behind us. "Wait!"
Jaxon and I turn around and watch the couple walking hurriedly towards us. I stiffen, suddenly feeling a little regretful. Not because of what I said but because of who I took my anger out on. His parents were to blame, not these people. Shit. I was in for it, wasn't I? Jaxon's hand grips mine protectively and I straighten my shoulders, appearing more confident than I actually am.
When they get close to us I immediately open my mouth to explain myself but my words are cut off in shock when the woman throws her arms around Jaxon and begins sobbing. Jaxon looks so horrified it would be funny in another situation but right now my throats tightens with emotion. The man steps forward and I'm ready to lean away from his intimidating presence when he engulfs me in a bear hug of his own. Jaxon and I look over at each other as we hesitantly hug them back, unsure of what to make of this. The man pulls away from me first and gives me a solemn nod, then gently pries his woman away from Jaxon.
"I'm sorry." She cries and wipes her nose. "I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing but there's no way you're not their son. God, you look just like Jer. I thought I was seeing a ghost."
"Fucking sucks that they're not who we thought they were." The man adds.
"Happens." Jaxon shrugs, passive as ever.
"I shouldn't have yelled at you." I say to the woman, overcome with guilt. She shakes her head rapidly.
"Don't be. I'm glad you said what you said. We...since the incident we've been clean. Away from that life. This just gave us more of a reason to maintain our new decision."
"I'm glad." I say honestly.
"Look at us." The woman laughs breezily, her smile transforming her edgy look. "Haven't even introduced ourselves. I'm Pam and this is my husband Craig."
We shake hands with them and exchange awkward smiles. Now that the heart-to-heart is out of the way, there's nothing else left to talk about.
"You a fighter?" Craig's booming voice startles me and I follow his gaze to where he's looking at Jaxon's knuckles. I've become so used to their constant reddish purplish state that I barely notice it anymore. It's one more thing that's become part of him.
"Boxer." He offers.
"Like Sam." Craig notes.
Jaxon nods, lips thinning. Craig searches his eyes.
"Might be the last thing you want to hear but you're welcome to reach out to us."
"Maybe."
"We'd love to get to know you. It doesn't feel right just letting you off like this." Pam adds.
"I'll think about it." Jaxon darts his eyes away, a sure tell that he doesn't mean that. Pam smiles sadly like she suspected as much.
"Let's go, babe." Craig says. Pam nods and gives us a final wave and the two take off. Jaxon and I watch them leave in mutual silence.
"Wow." I break the ice when they're out of sight.
"Can we please just get out of here?" Jaxon whispers. His shoulders are slumped and I can practically see the weight of the world on them.
"Of course." I say, already making my way to the driver's side. I'm buckling in and stop when I see Jaxon is still standing outside, hands in his pocket and watching the church. I look away and give him his moment, waiting patiently.
I'm lost in my own thoughts when the sound of Jaxon getting in the car brings me back. I turn to him, watching as he leans forward and presses his forehead against the driver's dash. His shoulders start shaking and I hesitantly reach my hands towards him. It isn't until I realize he's laughing that I pull away, brows drawing in concern. Forget just laughing. He's in hysterics. Not what I was expecting, to say the least.
"Sweetie?" I ask.
He lifts up and throws his head back, laughter now booming. I bite my lip and wonder like hell what to make of this. I wait until the sound of his laughter dies down to only shaking shoulders, and he leans his head back on the headrest with his hands covering his eyes. I'm thinking this episode is finished until, finally, like I expected, a sob tears through him. The sound is so guttural and hollow that my own tears immediately spill over my eyes. Another cry escapes him, this one even more wretched than the last, and I tear my eyes away from him. God, it fucking hurts to see him like this.
"Fuck them. Fuck them, Emily." He hiccups, cries getting louder. "Why couldn't they make shit right? They were my fucking parents. Why couldn't they be the bigger people? And now? They're fucking gone!"
"I'm so sorry, baby." I whisper, running a hand down his cheek. I have no idea what to say or do because he's right; fuck them.
A low moan escapes him and he punches the dashboard. I flinch, biting my tongue to keep from crying. He fists his hands in his hair as a loud sob rips through him. "Fuck them!"
I exhale shakily and bring a hand to my mouth and now I'm crying just as bad as he is. I unbuckle my seatbelt with trembling hands and climb over the console and into his lap. He immediately wraps his arms around my waist and clutches me to him. His head rests against my shoulders and he's crying so fiercely his entire body breaks out into tremors. My shoulder barely muffles the sounds he's making. His cries are loud, even more so because we're cramped in a small space, and my own sobs match his. It really does feel like a funeral now.
"I hate them. I hate that I miss them." He can barely get the words out.
"Me too." My hand begins rubbing circles on his back.
"I shouldn't miss them but fuck, I hate that they're gone without making shit right with me."
"You're human, Jax. Of course that's how you'll feel."
"Fuck them." He whispers, cries finally at a rest as he sniffles.
"Fuck them." I agree.
We stay like that for several minutes as we wait for the sadness to subside. His breaths are shaky, hiccups escaping him occasionally, but he's no longer crying. That doesn't ease my heart at all because the echoes of his sobs are still ringing in my ear and the wetness on my shoulder is a solid reminder of his pain.
"Don't ever do that to me." He whispers brokenly. "Don't ever leave me with my own regrets."
A tear falls from my cheek onto his forehead and he lifts his head up, using his thumb to swipe the streak away. He gives me a sad smile as he searches my eyes.
"Never." I promise.
His hand moves from my cheek to the back of my head and he pulls me down into a kiss. His lips press against mine with an urgency I return. He's giving me all his pain and I'm taking it as our mouths fuse together almost angrily. He wraps his fist around my hair and gives it a swift tug, causing me to pull away with a pleasant gasp. His lips attack my neck and the sensation overload makes me rock my hips into his. His groan vibrates against the column of my throat and his arms move down to cup my breast. I throw my head back while his hand works his magic and a high-pitched moan escapes me when his thumb presses down on one erect nipple.
"Christ." He growls pulling away. "I'm not fucking you in the parking lot of a church. Let's go home where I can fuck you as I please on any surface, vertical or horizontal."
Sparks of awareness tingle where I need him most and my body heats up all over. I feel my cheeks flush in anticipation at his words and I'm quick to scramble off his lap and into the driver's seat. I'm buckled in in record time and driving off even faster, making the corners of his lips tip up.
"When do you have to be at the gym?" I ask, still breathing hard.
"About two hours." His hand reaches out and grips the back of my neck where he swipes his thumb back and forth. I shiver from his feather light touch. "Plenty of time to have my way with you."
"Or for me to have my way with you."
He hums. "Definitely no complaints there."
I laugh under my breath then school my expression to face him when we stop at a red light.
"Real talk. Will you be okay?"
"I'll be fine."
"Will you? You can tell me, Jax."
"I know, Em." He blows out a breath. "I'm not going to pretend that the last half an hour didn't happen or that I didn't just completely lose my shit. That's not why I'm saying I'll be okay."
"Okay?" My brows draw together, confused about what he's trying to get at.
"I said I will be okay. Meaning I'm not okay right now, really fucking far from it, but there's not much that I can't get through. I have to."
"I don't want you to put that pressure on yourself, either. Thinking that you can brush this aside because you have to be okay." I say gently.
"I'm confident enough, baby. Stop stressing."
"You're brushing this off."
"I'm not brushing it off. I'm really telling you it'll all be okay. I know it."
"But sometimes we go through things we may never recover from and that's acceptable. I'm pretty sure what you just experienced falls under one of those major categories. How can you just say you'll be fine and have absolutely no doubt about that?"
He shrugs then turns to me with a tender expression. His eyes are still red-rimmed and the slightest bit puffy from all his crying but it gives a softness to his face at the same time. "How could I ever doubt a fucking thing if I have you?"
I suck in a breath as I realize what his argument is. Me. He truly believes nothing will harm him if I'm there. The thought chokes me up a bit and I can't help but reminisce how mere months ago all I wanted was for him to trust me. God, I got so much more than that. So much more.
"Oh." I whisper and bite my lip to hide my smile. It doesn't work.
"That reminds me of something I said to Cameron the other day." He turns to me and gives me his full attention, smiling also.
"What?"
"I told him how it's okay to be taken care of sometimes instead of doing all the caring for. I told him it's fine to lean on someone else for strength and that you are my strength, Emily."
"You said that?" I choke out, my heart jumping into my throat. He nods and keeps that intense stare on me.
"The fact that you're even here with me, putting up with my shit, is enough to make me feel damn well invincible. I haven't doubted anything since you became mine because it showed me miracles are possible."
I'm glad we done to another red light because my eyes are pooling with tears and my vision isn't very stellar because of it. I wipe them with a laugh when he gives a playful eye roll but he's smiling. His hand returns to mine and I sit there, at a loss for words. What does one even say to something like that, besides "give me an army of babies and put a ring on it if you like it?" Though something tells me I wouldn't be getting a disagreement from Jaxon if I did say that. Instead, I go with, "Wow. That kicked my speech's ass by a landslide."
He smiles again but doesn't say anything, instead looking out the window in contemplation. I think he's taking another moment to himself so I silently drive on when the light turns green.
"You didn't have to do that, you know." He adds after a minute.
"I absolutely did have to. Anything that hurts you is a direct insult to me. Whoever messes with you has to answer to me first. We're a team, Jax."
I don't hear a response but a quick side glance shows me he's blinking fast and hard. He swallows and clears his throat and I offer my hand without a word. He takes it and the strength I feel couldn't have made me feel more invincible. I had to have faith that we'd finally seen the end of our trials, and that we could just finally be happy and carefree.
***
I couldn't have been more wrong.
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A/N
Hello, my loves!
Yes, this chapter is shorter than my other ones but it's because I actually didn't intend for this chapter to even exist. It just felt right to give Jaxon some kind of closure from the bomb-drop of his parent's death, tie up loose ends, you know?
And to add to the suspense, I ended this chapter off exactly like my previous chapter. Major points if you noticed that!!!
Big things are coming and I know you guys are more than ready for the show to get on the road!!! I know!!! I'm so annoying!!!
LOL bear with me, promise that the events I had planned are coming in the next chapter. Until the next update, lovelies.
VOTE, comment, and share if you enjoyed this chapter!
Happy reading :)