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"... One hundred and Twenty- Seven
One Hundred and Twenty- Eight.
One hundred and Twenty.."
The soft voice spoke echoing, across the eerie silent night drifting from corner to corner, like a hushed lullaby against the wind.
The night was dark. Hiding away the angry grey clouds that were merely a sight away a few hours ago, looming high above; now sending chills down ones spine with it's presence. The brightest of stars surrounded the sky, twinkling with might. Creating the very much needed light, in such times.
The days of autumn had blown away against the wind. As the ripping dawning of winter fast approached. Marking its dominance against the eerie cold night. Waves of chilly wind hit the large mansion. Howling in each corner. Spreading the word of change.
A low groan ripped from my mouth slowly, in annoyance but then again, it was long overdue. The black veil covering my head, slipped from my hair in the process. Allowing the cold wind to brush through it harshly. It's embrace almost barbaric. And there was, but one person responsible for my misery. Sumbal. Moving forward, I glared openly at the figure infront me, hoping my attempts at intimidation weren't as pitiful as they seemed.
" Sumbal. Please for the love of all that's beautiful. Shut your trap"
I whispered-half yelled. Hoping my voice didn't echo in the large mansion. Or worse, wake anyone up. I cringed hearing my voice echoing back and held my breath momentarily. It wasn't in the norms to be out at here, at this time of the hour. If anything I shouldn't have encouraged it. I should have told her to stay in her room, rather than venturing off at this time of the night.
Looking around the dark courtyard, my eyes landed onto the Twenty year- old. Laying down on the large cement platform, on top of the roof with no care in the world.
She gazed in awe at the sky above her, whilst her long hair brushed onto the cold ground drifting against the wind, and if I didn't know any better. I'd say she was freezing cold-- but of course, that's something she wouldn't admit. Nor voice out. Instead she endured the torture, all for what?
Star gazing.
Thats right! Hoping like in many teen movies, a shooting star would appear and her dream of having a prince charming would come true. Then again knowing her, she'd give up that option up in a heartbeat and rather not go to school or wake up early in the morning. Or better yet, study for her upcoming exams she thinks I've forgotten all about.
The perks of not having to worry about anything. Oh what a life.
Yes, Sumbal was a keen believer of her dreams. More so, the idea of not having to try, at anything. And despite how life dealt its cards, we'd all have to try no matter how much we refused otherwise. My thoughts were suddenly interrupted as my head perked upwards in curiosity at the sudden commotion.
The voices of men coming from the Mosque, outside, echoed across the midnight air. Making me tense visibly, hoping no one had heard my remarks across the silent manor.
We shouldn't be awake at this hour.
I thought for the hundredth time.
Shifting uncomfortably, I glared daggers at Sumbal. Who portrayed a look that revealed nothing of the least worrisome. Making a frustrated groan rip from my mouth. Any other night I would have welcomed the sight of the bright stars and the cold breeze, reminding me of reality, but right now. I couldn't think straight. All I could conjure was the idea of getting my little sister away from the platform and from any prying eyes.
It almost sounded ridiculous, well my worry did! But things around here worked differently. One wrong mistake, one wrong move caused an uproar and a stain on your character. Something Sumbal's headstrong character couldn't afford. Not in this world she couldn't.
When will this girl grow up!
" Shut up Zee. You made me lose count" She mumbled horrified. Daring an outraged look making a low scoff escape my lips. This girls nerve. She had the audacity to tell me off, for making her lose count. Whilst she was here out in the open. Star gazing, when at any point. Anyone could come and see us on the rooftop.
" Dad will be here or someone else. Sumbal let's go"
I pleaded with the girl. Hoping she would see sense. We shouldn't be out at this hour. Even if that was in a seventeen acre mansion followed by a vast land that went on for miles-- at this rate, this place looked like the set of horror movie, and like they say, even walls have ears. If someone was to see us. It wouldn't end all too well, I can only imagin the gossip that would erupt.
" And what? It's just Dad, Zee, stop being a wimp, besides I told Mum" Sumbal overly smart voice spoke in response. Clearly she wasn't seeing sense, nor would she admit she was wrong. Pulling against her arm. I urged her to come downstairs, but a small shrug from end had me sighing.
The sudden irritation of my pleading not being taken seriously, had my insides turning. Fine then. If she wasn't seeing sense, I wasn't about to go down her sinking ship! I easily hopped off the large platform, and landed on to my feet with a small thud, cursing for ever pretending I could land gracefully on the floor.
" I'm going and if anyone asks. I'll tell them you're star gazing in the middle of the night. Let's see how that settles with Dad" I muttered harshly, glaring at her through the dark, not seeing a single response from her end. So now she chooses to listen!
I knew I was being dramatic, but, Sumbal was just a kid. She didn't know these people like I do. She didn't know how their minds worked. A simple glance from the opposite gender meant the two were getting up to no good. Life wasn't simple here. It wasn't all rainbows and hearts.
And it wasn't others causing these gossips. It was one's own family that made wild tales. To destroy ones reputation and it certainly didn't help. That the entire household lived together. All under one roof.
" Jeez, weren't you the one always insisting on 'Living life to the fullest'- I knew I should have stayed in London. I thought you'd be happy to see me. But it looks like you've changed. Just like the others"
Sumbal snapped all of a sudden turning her face away from me in the process. Knowing how much it irked, me when she did that. I could feel my heart drop. As her words rang loudly in my ears. My fingers curled tightly onto the veil covering my hair and I resisted the urge to reply. Knowing she had no idea what 'change' I've been through.
She didn't know. She doesn't know anything. Nobody knows the hell I've been through.
Swallowing down the lump in my throat. A burning feeling developed at the pit of my stomach. Making my shaky hands reach forward, and pull my veil upwards. Deep breaths Aazeen! I whispered inwardly. Hoping to get my breathing back to normal. And not react rationally.
"You're right. Everybody has changed"
I whispered brushing away her sudden sympatheic look, before striding towards the large spiral staircase, all whilst ignoring her pleading calls behind me. I didn't need her pity. I didn't need anyones pity for that matter.
I tried to ignore the way my chest squeezed tightly in pain, or how I found it difficult to keep my breathing even. All too suddenly, Sumbal's comments overwhelmed my every moment and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't shake off her statements of wanting to: live life to the fullest. Maybe once I did, once upon a rare moon, I did want to live my life to the fullest but now. There was no reason to. I didn't have a reason.
I found myself walking down the pathway, I've travelled upon hundreds of times. Each time with a different experience. Each time with a different tale.
I could feel Sumbal walk beside me, her sulking face evident in the night. But I couldn't bring the courage within to face her. So instead I found myself reaching down the large main hall, and past the white pillars towards the entree of the second hallway.
An all too familiar door came to view and without turning around. I pushed it open, allowing myself to enter my refuge. My safe haven. Away from the world, away from everyone who questioned my every action.
" I'm sorry Zee. I didn't mean to upset you" Sumbal apologetic voice spoke behind me. Making me tense. I slowly turned towards her. Seeing her face scrunched up in an adorable frown. Her brown eyes glistening with unshed tears. Why did she have to look so innocent doing that.
Smiling lightly, I shook my head. Reaching towards her face and lightly patting her cheek like a child. I smiled at the young woman, hoping that eased the frantic look on her face.
" It's alright bean. It's okay" I whispered after a long moment of silence seeing her face sulk even more and she nodded lightly, not saying another word, knowing nothing could change my mind.
Turning around, I closed the door behind me. Allowing Sumbal to walk towards her bedroom. Not before seeing her blow me a soft kiss as the door shut behind her. She is such a drama queen!
Weirdo!
I thought to myself, allowing my shoulders to sag in a somewhat relaxed posture and feel the weight of today's events drift off me. There was silence. Finally.
My eyes slowly scanned around the room. Taking in the simplicity of it all. A large double-bed lay at the centre with a small book case beside it. The door towards the bathroom remained to my left side, followed by a large walk in closet to the right.
The room was simple and that's how I liked it. Though I only pray my life was as such.
I walked further towards the bed aimlessly. Feeling hundreds of emotions bombard me. A faraway voice chimed in my ear, echoing loudly from end to another. " But it looks like you've changed. Just like the others" Sumbal's words pierced through my chest and I found it difficult to breath, to even think rationally. Live life to the fullest. Those words had been something I lived by, but now-- My stomach turned in the most agonizing way possible, at the thought, causing bile to rise at the back of my throat.
Reaching towards the small draw on the bed-stand. My shaky hands pulled against the photo frame neatly tucked in. Holding it tightly. My fingers curled around the silver frame. The photo that I hid away, the very one I dared not to look at. For I knew I'd crumble at a single glance of it, each time, just as I did now was clasped tightly in my hands.
Like a wave hitting ashore. A bubbling sob ripped from my mouth before I could stop myself. Keeping my eyes trained on the picture before me through my blurry vision. I felt them land onto the dark eyes staring back.
Tears welled down unto my cheeks, making my thumb brush against the glass affectionately. Hoping. Wishing that he was here. That all this was a nightmare, a mirage, and I'd soon wake up.
Yet, I didn't.
I pulled the frame a little closer towards my chest. Hearing my silent sobs echo across the room. I was instantly transported back to the day, all over again. The day he passed. Images of his tall figure laying in the white coffin motionless, flashed before my mind.
His once smiling face that brought light to his eyes, remained closed, whilst I cried. Begged the world, that he would open them again. Just one last time.
Just for a split second, that's all I needed, for him to look at me and say it'll be okay! but he didn't. He lay lifeless in the coffin as his brothers and father came and picked his body up.
The overwhelming feeling of helplessness that surged through me, weakend my very being. I wanted to scream. Wanted to cry to them, to not take him. To not take the man I loved away from me. He never liked the cold, nor did he like staying out in the dark too long! How can they take him away from me and bury him in the graveyard. How can they throw dirt on their son, and their brother and come back to their warm homes, whilst he was there all alone.
Even as the door closed behind them my cries had echoed across the house. Like a broken lullaby.
He left me. All alone, even after promising he'd stay with me. He left me, and now here I was.
Breathing but never living.
Yaseen. I wish you were here.
I whispered feeling myself lay on the bed. Whilst my tears became an ocean and my fears now a mountain.
»|«
As the rising of sun approached us the next morning. A low wind howled against the far-reaching mansion.
Whispering a tale of a new beginning.
The days remained cold, yet the skies were fiery with every colour splurged against it. Creating a mesmerising combination. Dark red and orange, painted the skies above me. Making me take a deep breath, and place my neatly folded prayer matt beside me. All whilst staring awe-struck at the sky.
The morning prayer had been called hours before the sunrise, and even after praying the second it finished. I remained on the roof, staring at the land before me.
Looking. For what, I knew not.
I wasn't supposed to be here. Life wasn't supposed to bring me here, yet I was. It's strange, how the wheels of fate turn. Changing all you knew. Taking all you've ever loved. If Yaseen had been alive. We would have moved to Canada and probably by now, had a baby.
He would have left the army and would have pursued his English literature degree. I would have completed my honors degree. And life wouldn't have been complicated. Yet, that's fate. It doesn't promise anything.
At any moment. In any turn, anything could happen. And that was how I found the older man sitting beside me. His greyish beard making his green eyes shine. A soft smile plastered his face, as he moved forward. Pinching my cheeks making me smile.
Even through the years, despite everything that's happened. My dad remained the joyful man he was. Always smiling. Always making others happy. Yet, no one could see the pain lingering in his eyes, like I did.
We went through the same horrors but somehow, my father had managed to hide his pain. A little bit better than me. Looking back towards him. A smile made it's way across my face.
His obsession with the perfect image, remained intact till this day. You wouldn't see Shahbaz Khan wearing anything but white Pashtun clothes. With his famous black waist coat and his brown cane, adding the extra polish to his immaculate image. Yet as I looked at him now, closelt, it was fair to say Abba had aged, though he insisted otherwise.
" I'm so proud of you Aazeen" He spoke all of a sudden, as he too faced the sea of trees and hills before us. I could feel the atmosphere around us thicken. As we remained in utter silence. Fighting our own demons.
Looking upwards at the sky. A lone bird flew across us, and towards the large trees. Most likely returning back to its nest. Our breathing became even, and my eyes flickered towards my father. Seeing his face stoic, yet his eyes swirling with hundreds of emotions. Almost as if he wanted to say something but didn't have the courage to.
" Abba why are you here? Is everything okay"
I murmured slowly, remembering the last time I had seen him. In Heathrow Airport hugging me. Telling me there was more to life and I should return home when I was ready. Yet I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to go back home, and I don't think I ever will be.
In a way this place had become my home. My sanctuary. And I was content here.
" Aazeen it's been three years. You've stayed here, for three years my child.
I want you to come back. I want you to live. I cannot see you like this any more. Wasting your life away"
He spoke his face reduced to one of utter pain. The once strong voice he had was now merely a whisper. My eyebrows furrowed and for a strange reason, I held onto my breath, almost bracing myself for his next statement.
Oh No!
The words he spoke next suddenly had my world stifling, and everything around me disappearing in to oblivion.
" I wish for you to get married. You're only Twenty-Three Aazeen. You have your whole life before you. Don't let the past hold you back"
•••
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