by @AmandaTayteTait
When many are asked they seem to believe that coping is just a matter of leaving, a matter of standing up for yourself. What many seem to not realize is that, the pain created by abuse cannot be scaled nor described. The violation whether physically, mentally or emotionally can be something that haunts you for years to come. Here are a few coping mechanisms to help you through the hard times.
Coping With Flashbacks
Flashbacks are recollections from the past. They may be pictures, sounds, smells, feelings, or the lack of them (numbness). Sometimes there is no actual visual or auditory memory. You may feel panicky, or trapped, you may feel powerless without knowing why. These experiences can also happen in dreams.
As a child you had to protect yourself from the emotional and physical horrors of abuse. In order to survive, that child remained locked inside, unable to express the feelings and thoughts of that time. It is as though we put that part of us into a time warp until it comes out in the present.
When that part comes out, the child in you is experiencing the past as if it were happening today. As the flashback happens, it is as if you forget that you have an 'adult' self-available for comfort, protection and grounding. The extreme feelings and body sensations occurring are so frightening because they are not related to the reality of the present and often seem to come from out of the blue.
We begin to think we are crazy and are afraid of telling anyone about what is happening. We feel out of control and at the mercy of our experiences.
We begin to avoid certain areas and situations, that we think triggered it. Sometimes flashbacks occur during any form of sexual contact, or it may be a person who looks or behaves and reminds you of the person who abused you, or it may be a situation today that stirs up similar trapped feelings (confrontation, angry people).
If you are feeling little... you may be experiencing a flashback. If you are having stronger feelings than you expect to have in the present situation ... you are probably having a flashback
Flashbacks Are Normal
Flashbacks are sometimes called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
The diagnostic category book for psychiatry defines Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as the normal experience of all people experiencing an event that is outside the range of normal human experience.
Flashbacks sometimes make you feel insane because the child in you doesn't know that there is an adult survivor available to help.
What Does Help?
Tell yourself that you are having a flashback.
Remind yourself that the worst is over. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are memories of the past.
Get Grounded. This means stamping your feet on the ground so that the child knows you have feet and can get away now if you need to. (As a child, you couldn't get away........ now you can).
Breathe. When we get frightened we stop normal breathing. As a result our body begins to panic because we haven't got enough oxygen. Lack of oxygen causes a great deal of panic feelings; pounding in the head, tightness, sweating, feeling faint, shakiness, dizziness. When we breathe deeply enough, a lot of the panic feeling can decrease.
Re-establish to the present. Begin to use your five senses in the present. Look around and see the colours in the room, the shapes of things, the people near, etc. Listen to the sounds in the room; your breathing, traffic, birds, people, cars etc. Feel your body and what is touching it; your clothes, your own arms and hands, the chair or floor supporting you.
Talk to the child in you and tell her she is OK. It is very important that the child knows that the adult is around to take care of her. The child needs to know that it is safe to experience the feelings and let go of the past.
Find your boundaries. Sometimes when we are having a flashback things get out of proportion we lose the sense of where we end and the world begins; as if we do not have skin. Wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a pillow or soft toy, go to bed or sit in a cupboard... anything that you can do to make yourself feel safe.
Get help. You may need to be alone or you may want someone near you. In either case it is important that your friends and relations know about flashbacks so they can help with the process, whether that means letting you be by yourself or being there, whatever is right for you is right.
Take time to regain control. Sometimes flashbacks are very powerful. Don't expect yourself to be able to do adult things immediately. Be kind and look after you, do something that you enjoy. Don't punish yourself; you and your child don't deserve it.
Be patient. It takes time to heal the past. It takes time to learn ways of taking care of you, of being an adult who has feelings and developing effective ways of coping in the here and now.
Find a competent therapist. Look for a therapist who understands the process of healing from incest. A therapist can be a guide, a support, a coach in this healing process. You do not have to do it alone ever again.
Remember this is all a normal part of healing.
Coping With Memories
Our memories are our own body's way of coping. But in adult life these memories can return to us just as strong and as real as the day the event first took place.
They can be overwhelming and triggering and take you right back to that place you were at when the event first took place, sometimes you can still strongly smell and imagine everything as it was etc...
So that re-surfacing memories don't take over the whole of your present life you need to learn to control them and cope with them.
This might not be easy but it is possible, you could try imagining a little box with a lid and placing your memory into the box and closing the lid, so when you want to visit the memory you can take it out of the box and face it when you are ready to do so and then after place it back into the little box. This isn't easy but will prevent the memory from taking over you.
Also you when you have a memory come up you can imagine its taking place on a TV screen, you are in control and if you want to you can also change the ending to how you want it to end etc... It's your memory (your TV programme) if you don't like it re visit it and you have the power now as an adult to change it in your mind.
Talking to a professional body i.e. therapist/ counsellor etc can help a great deal to talk through the memories with you.
Try and tell yourself that as nasty as they might be they are in fact only memories and they can't hurt you anymore. You are safe now.
Coping With Panic Attacks
Panic is a sudden intense response to normal thoughts or sensations. This is often accompanied by a feeling of impending doom, as well as physical symptoms such as:
- A racing heartbeat.
- Difficulty breathing.
- Paralysing terror.
- Dizziness and/or nausea.
- Trembling/sweating/shaking.
- Choking/chest pain.
- Hot flushes and sudden chills.
- 'Pins and needles'.
- Fear of dying.
These symptoms are reinforced by the sufferer's thought processes. Sufferers are often determined to avoid situations which they feel will exacerbate their anxiety; this avoidant behaviour has an adverse effect on sufferers' quality of life.
If the above description fits you, then you are probably suffering panic attacks.
The first thing you should remind yourself is that the situation is not dangerous, and that it will soon pass. Concentrate on your breathing: sit down and breathe in through your nose, slowly counting to 6 as you do so - then breathe out through your mouth, slowly counting to 6. Repeat this process. As you are breathing, think about the process and look at everything around you – this will allow you to ground yourself. Feel your feet on the floor, and touch your clothing - keep breathing slowly, and the panic should pass.
You could also try breathing into a paper bag.
The physical symptoms tend to feel a lot worse than they really are, as concern about them adds an additional layer to your existing worries.
Relax, and remind yourself that you are safe. Continue to breathe slowly, and the panic should pass.
Other suggestions:
- Keep a diary of your mood and meds.
- Have a bath, accompanied by candle light. Allow yourself to just lay there, relax, and clear your mind.
- Call someone, perhaps a friend or a crisis-line, and offload to them - they may be able to help.
- Don't enjoy simply relaxing? Keep busy instead – this can help to occupy your mind, giving you less chance to spend time worrying.
- Go out with friends, have a laugh, and see what life really has to offer. Maybe stay with a friend or member of your family at particularly difficult times.
- Speak with your Mental Health Teams, and help them to understand your worries.
- Play a game, or do something similarly recreational, to cheer yourself up (have a look at the fun pages).
- Treat yourself to something, and make yourself feel special - because you are!
If you are a survivor it means you have strength. Always see yourself as a survivor and not a victim. Believe in yourself that you have the strength and ability to move forward with your life. You want to get to a stage where the past does not affect your everyday life.
Source: http://www.abuse-survivors.org.uk/coping-strategies