If I Lose Myself

By EMPG22HoPe

30.7K 1K 352

If there's anything worse than death, it's losing one's self. 19 years after the Second Wizarding War, we onl... More

Chapter One: Astoria
Chapter Two: Draco
Chapter Four: Draco
Chapter Five: Astoria
Chapter Six: Draco
Chapter Seven: Astoria
Chapter Eight: Draco
Chapter Nine: Astoria
Chapter Ten: Draco
Chapter Eleven: Astoria
Chapter Twelve: Draco
Chapter Thirteen: Astoria
Chapter Fourteen: Draco
Chapter Fifteen: Astoria
Chapter Sixteen: Draco
Chapter Seventeen: Astoria
Chapter Eighteen: Draco
Chapter Nineteen: Astoria
Chapter Twenty: Draco
Chapter Twenty-One: Astoria
Chapter Twenty-Two: Draco
Chapter Twenty-Three: Astoria
Chapter Twenty-Four: Astoria & Draco
Chapter Twenty-Five: Draco
Chapter Twenty-Six: Astoria
Chapter Twenty-Seven: Draco

Chapter Three: Astoria

1.5K 54 44
By EMPG22HoPe


Dedicated to a fellow Potterhead and the only badass Hufflepuff in recorded history: 

Bea Eloriaga 

This is for you, Elsa! (/^▽^)/

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Chapter Three: Astoria

October 1996

"Honestly, the nerve of that blithering git! Can you believe him?!" Astoria fumed as she shoved a helpful of shepherd's pie in her mouth, grinding her food angrily before chucking her fork violently against a fat sausage. "Tomorrow, 1 o'clock, near the Blake Lake. Who does he bloody think he is?!"

Daphne laughed with her mouth full, causing some of the people in their table to glare at her disgustingly. The blonde shook her head and she swallowed her fill of food before answering, "He's a Malfoy, that's what he is. What did you expect? He'd play friendly with you just because you've had a few good encounters with him?"

"No, but I'd expect he'd be a bit more civil considering his family's status with the ministry." Astoria spat as she took a swig of pumpkin juice, nearly choking on it had she not the decency of a proper gag reflex.

Astoria simply couldn't believe what had happened last night. She had thought her fourth year at Hogwarts would be an endearing start, especially with her acing her Potions class with ease in which she took quite the liberty of studying in advance before the year began. It all began perfectly; she got into the Slug Club and started her classes off with advanced readings like she had planned. Mum seemed to be happy of how her year was starting off, having promised to send her parents letters twice in a day to assure them of their still being alive.

But, really, the cherry on top was having the honor of being a tutor for Professor Horace Slughorn's troubled students in Potions class. Even though she was only in her fourth year, she quite enjoyed reading the syllabus of the higher year level's – which were actually far more interesting than her year. And when the professor found this sentiment about her, he then offered her extra points in class should she be able to tutor a particular failing student of his.

She had no idea that failing student was Draco Malfoy.

Yes, given, she used to be quite taken by him. But after he spoke of her like she was some little girl, a simpleton so less of his kind; she didn't question her attraction back then decreasing; even more now by ten-fold.

Astoria always heard of Draco's pettiness and his pretentious jabs at other people below him, but never has she been more irritated by the way he had done so with her. He may call her little Greengrass for all she cared, but for him to underestimate her abilities and her smarts; which she assumed are far greater than his at this point, truly dented her in more ways than one.

She wasn't just pissed. She was downright furious, and she bloody hated the git people worshipped called Draco Malfoy. Or used to worship anyway.

"Oh, cheer up, Tori." Daphne said, rolling her eyes before gracing her with a knowing smirk. "At least you get to spend time with him. Didn't you tell me at the Hogwarts Express that he looks quite troubled to the point that you wouldn't mind a word or two with him?"

"Not anymore." Astoria hissed at her sister before slamming her empty glass of pumpkin juice on the table. "No way in Merlin's pants am I going to enjoy a single second with that pompous arse. He's an arrogant, selfish, uncivil, pretentious little git! I don't understand what the lot of you see in him. All I see is a spoiled, privileged man who has no care for the people around him whatsoever."

"Oi, don't get your knickers in a twist, Tori." Blaise laughed maniacally as he sat beside Daphne, who was sat just across Astoria on the table.

"Too late, Blaise." Daphne shook her head amusedly. "Apparently, Slughorn has set her up last night to be Draco's tutor for the next two months. Can you imagine her luck?"

"No," Blaise faked his disbelief before cackling alongside Daphne. "Draco never told me anything about Astoria, but this is certainly news to come by. The great Draco Malfoy's going to be tutored by a fourth year."

"I am more than just a fourth year, you blundering little—" Astoria shrieked as she threw a piece of sausage at Blaise who dodged it easily. She was very rarely angry at people, even at Draco Malfoy; who seemed to exude the kind of person Astoria quite loathed. But this time felt particularly different, as if she'd been put under the Imperious curse to further her loathing towards people. "You and your prejudice. It's downright insulting. I can pass half the classes you're already taking right now, Zabini!"

"Ay, calm down, little Greengrass." Blaise chuckled as he laced his arm around Daphne's shoulder. Daphne looked up at him, surprised whilst her cheeks flushed uncontrollably; but Blaise didn't seem to have noticed. "It's not that bad, really. Didn't you used to fancy him? What's changed?"

"That's none of your business!" Astoria said rather furiously, a blush already creeping along her cheeks. "Honestly, commanding me like I'm one of his cronies. I'll show him! I'll bloody show him; I swear on Merlin's beard, I will roast his arse!"

"Best you get a bit of warning out to Draco then, Blaise." Daphne said rather teasingly, though she still seemed frazzled by having Blaise's arm splayed on her shoulders. "You haven't seen my little sister angry. She'll hex you in to next Tuesday and might just slip a wee bit of shrinking solution into your morning pumpkin juice. She's a bit mental when she's mad."

"I'm not!" Astoria exclaimed as she rose angrily from where she sat, her cheeks probably the color of tomatoes now. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be heading to—"

"The library," Blaise and Daphne said at the same time.

Astoria blinked at them before shouldering her knapsack. "Yes, and I'll be looking through some background on the essay that Professor Slughorn's asking Malfoy to write for extra credit. And will you two stop sniggering at me? You both look stupid."

Daphne tried failingly to hide her grin and Blaise was barely even trying. Honestly, how ridiculous can those two get? Before the couple could say anything more about one particular Malfoy, she left the Great Hall with a new purpose to her step.

She wasn't about to be intimidated by a sixth year.

Despite the house that she was sorted in, everyone knew that Astoria was oddly one of the rare soft-hearted Slytherins. Unlike most of the people in her house, she enjoyed being friends with muggle-borns and feels little to no superiority against muggles. As a pure-blood, it was expected of her to uphold pure-blood supremacy as most of the Sacred Twenty-Eight should. Her parents have awfully taught her the ways, but they've always felt so wrong to her. Her odd liking for muggles and muggle-borns were quite apparent that people from her house usually stirred clear from her. She'd often hear them talking behind her back, though she quietly let the insults pass her by; blood traitor, little Greengrass, weak little girl.

They may call her names for all she cares, but to be underestimated so harshly – well, that's where she bloody draws the line.


And no way was she going to let Draco Malfoy ruin what could possibly be a promising school year for her.

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The whole morning was a whirl of classes that she took a great number of particular notes on, but not a lot of listening to the professors. She'd been so invested of concocting a lesson plan that would hurt as bad as the Draught of the Living Dead for her tutor with Draco later on that by lunch, she began sporting a seriously painful headache.

Headaches weren't new to her, nor were the fevers and colds that followed right after. She had always been quite sickly, even as a child. However, her being sickly was quite questionable. Her body had a habit of homing random illnesses out of nowhere at least twice a month, thrice on winter months – and yet, not even her own parents know why certain things were at bay. Astoria tried to pay it no mind, but it really was quite a curious thing.

When lunch ended, her headache was then complimented by a slight fever. Her whole body felt absolutely weak, and despite the chill of October signaling the coming of winter; she felt hot. It was only a matter of time before the cold catches on, and then finally a high fever that would put her in bed rest for Merlin knows how long. But Astoria refuse to be sick and act like it especially with what she's about to go through in a few minutes' time.

Ignoring the burning headache and the easiness of how she grew tired of walking at least three steps, the witch trudged on towards the front doors; her heavy bag of books and parchment in tow. It looked to be a lovely afternoon despite her hardly feeling the chill of what she loved to feel as winter. Students mulled about generously on the castle grounds, a few heading off to the Black Lake much like her.

By the time she got to the base of the Black Lake, she was breathing so heavily that one would think she had run a marathon. The lake glistened under the soft warmth of the sun, a few merpeople and Grindylows bobbing up the water every few minutes or so. Before she could even have a pleasant seat under the birch tree to slow down her heart rate, she heard an all-too-familiar voice that she hadn't the pleasure of hearing these days.

"You're late, little Greengrass." Draco said irritably as he finally came into view. He had gotten rid of his robes, now only in his long sleeves and grey sweater, his green Slytherin tie slightly askew. His hair was currently in shambles, like he had just climbed out of a ditch. Though he looked pristine as ever, he looked a bit pale.

Astoria checked her Niffler watch, a rather odd-looking gift she got from Luna. "It's 1 o'clock. Personally, I find that I've gotten here on time, Malfoy."

"If you were raised with proper pure-blood manners, you'd know that five minutes before the supposed time is the exact time. I still consider you late." He went on lazily as he sat on one of the stumps of the birch tree, putting down his leather bag after doing so. His brows quirked curiously, though his lips curved into a sneer. "Well, what are you waiting for? Haven't you got a bunch of stupid potions to teach me?"

She couldn't help but send him a glare, one in which he returned with ease. The witch breathed out mostly her frustration and her tiredness before walking up to the tree and sitting a stump right across him.

As much as she had the predisposition of shoving her own row of banter right at him, her headache was increasingly headier and her fever was close to actual boiling point. But she tried to push her condition aside. She wasn't about to show any sign of weakness in front of Draco. She couldn't possibly give him the satisfaction.

"Professor Slughorn told me that he gave you an essay to write about the components of Amortentia and Felix Felicis." Astoria started as she began to pull out books and parchments from her knapsack. "Have you already started on it?"

"Just the introduction," Draco answered plainly as he took out two rolls of parchments from his bag and shoving it onto her lap. He looked away right after, sighing pleasantly as he leaned back against the tree and put his arms behind his head leisurely. "I haven't got a lot of time on my hands, so if you could just bloody write down the rest, that'd be fantastic."

She raised an irritated brow at him before taking the rolls of parchment.

"Write down the rest? Malfoy, I am not about to write your bloody essay for you. I'm not some house-elf you can simply pay or hardly pay at all to do your dirty work!" She shoved the rolls right back to him with much force that Draco nearly fell off his stump. "You say you're as smart as Granger, then prove it. I have a few notes I got from the library on extra components and history on the potions and I suggest you do well to listen to me and do the writing yourself."

Her head ached further after she finished speaking. Maybe she shouldn't be talking much, and quite frankly, she hadn't got the energy. But with Draco's obscene way of addressing the session, she couldn't help but have her word on the matter. After all, herown grade rests upon whether or not the he could pass his own exams.

Draco looked at her with the same look of surprise he had last night, but he quickly recovered by crossing his brows in irritation before standing up; his rolls of parchment sliding off him and onto the wet dirt. "You've got some nerve talking to me like that, little Greengrass. You filthy little blood traitor. Do you have any idea who I am?"

"I don't care if you're the Minister of Magic himself, Malfoy." She hissed at him as she too stood as she crossed the line between them and jabbed a finger against his chest. Her head had a sudden rush of being tipped to the side, but she went on. "I have had just about enough of the way you're treating me. Believe me, I don't enjoy having the pleasure to tutor you, but if you want to live to see the light of N.E.W.T next year, I suggest you stop being an arrogant prick and cooperate. Admit it, you need me."

"I don't need you." Draco sneered at her as he drew dangerously close towards her. It baffled her how tall he was compared to her slightly miniscule height, though his height did nothing to intimidate her. In fact, she felt the need to go on her tip toes. "I can bloody well take care of my own grades, and if that bald-headed Slughorn hadn't owled my mother, I wouldn't be standing here right now arguing with a useless fourth year."

"Then I'm sure your mother would be oh so delighted to hear that her son refused tutoring and with little to no surprise fail his exams. Your family name is unbecoming of you." Astoria spat at him this time before her head pierced, causing her to draw back a few steps away from him and holding onto one of the low branches of the trees.

This seemed to have triggered Draco in some way because he glared at her threateningly before huffing in disgust. He headed back to sit on his stump, picking up his rolls of parchments in the process.

"Why am I even wasting my time arguing with you? You're not worth galleons at all, hardly a knut, really." Draco said harshly as he unrolled one of his parchments and looked up at her, his glare hardly dissipating. "Well? Have you got those notes or what? Or are we just going to sit here and waste precious time? I haven't got all day, you know."

Astoria breathed out heavily before pursing her lips and sitting across him again. Her headache subsided in the least bit, but no doubt her fever had increased ten-fold. She rubbed her temples tiredly as she unrolled her notes on Amortentia.

"Please, just shut up for two seconds." She told him off softly, hardly having any more strength to pluck up an argument with him. Her tingling, hot skin was starting to irritate her and by Merlin's pants if Draco says another word that sets her off, she might just faint out of sheer tiredness right then and there. "Have you got anything on Amortentia?"

Draco scoffed disdainfully as he checked his parchment. "All I've got is that it's a stinking love potion. Hardly an introduction, actually."

"Hmm," She nodded listlessly as she read through the contents of her notes. As her eyes skimmed the words, she fished out a chocoball from her pocket. "Well, you can add in there the effects of Amortentia. It's said to be the most powerful love potion ever created. It creates strong infatuation and obsession, but not necessarily actual love. It's said to smell differently to each person, according to what attracts them."

She looked up to find him writing down what she was saying, the scratch of his quill on parchment the only sound between them next to the sloshing of the Black Lake and the noises of the Grindylows within it. As she waited for him to finish, she unwrapped her sweet and popped it into her mouth—the sweet filling of cream and strawberry mixed with the chocolate giving her some relief from her stress earlier on.

"And what attracts you, little Greengrass?" Draco asked as he continued writing, scratching his left forearm menacingly while hardly looking up at her.

"The smell of the ocean," Astoria answered plainly, sniffing as she swallowed the lot of her chocoball. The cold she was bound to sport very soon was coming around. "Fresh parchment, vanilla and oddly enough, green apples. At least, that's what I think attracts me. I've never really gotten around to smelling Amortentia. Not unless you count the ones in Fred and George's joke shop."

"The Weasleys, huh?" He said, finally looking up at her with a smirk. "Well, I'm not surprised. One blood traitor to another, right?"

She sent him a harsh look, unable to say anything due to how spent she felt. He seemed to have taken this as a sign, and held up his hands in surrender; his awful smirk never leaving his face as he went on.

"No, I meant to ask what kind of men attracts you?"

"Certainly not sixth year, arrogant gits like you," Astoria answered nonchalantly before looking up at him. "And what about you? What attracts the famous Draco Malfoy?"

Draco shook his head before chuckling lowly. "Certainly not fourth year, nosy little girls like you."

She couldn't help but laugh at him, shaking her head unwillingly as she looked back down at her parchment. He may be a pain in the ass, but she had to admit he certainly had a tinge of nonsensical humor to him.

"How is it you bloody know more about this than I do?" He asked her after a small silence. "I know this is basic potions and all, but these are N.E.W.T level potions. You've hardly taken your O.W.L.S."

"I just like to read a lot." She said in reply as she rubbed her nose, feeling a sneeze coming along. Oh, good gods, not now. In an attempt to suppress and forget the cold, she took out another chocoball and heaved large bites from it. "Every time my sister and I come back from Diagon Alley buying our books, I often pick mine up out of boredom and read. And when I'm through with that, I go over Daphne's books. Advanced potions, charms and transfigurations always quite fascinated me."

"You sure sound a lot like a Ravenclaw." He said with a sly grin as he scratched at his left forearm lightly. "You sure you're sorted into the right house?"

"Funny story how the Sorting Hat actually wanted to put me into Ravenclaw. I didn't really mind being sorted there. More bookshelves in their common room than the library, said Luna." She went on with a smile before pursing her lips. "But generations of my family have been in Slytherin, you see; quite like yours. Since the hat takes your choice into account, I told it that I needed and wanted to be in Slytherin, even though my heart's not really in it. Because I didn't want to disappoint my mum and dad; any more than I probably already have, really."

Draco nodded, his eyes slightly fixated on her now as he rolled up his parchment and picking up the other one. "It's not that bad being in Slytherin. It's the noblest house in all of Hogwarts. Both sides of my family were in Slytherin, except for that little Gryffindor snag; Sirius Black, I think. You should be proud to be in it. Not all people who get sorted into our house are that evil."

Astoria nodded plainly as she, too, rolled up her parchment then unrolled another one from her bag. There was a small silence between them at first before Draco spoke again.

"You're not usually like this, are you?" Draco asked, abandoning his work now. "All riled up and up my arse."

Astoria's eyes widened before she shook her head, feeling embarrassed. "No, I'm not. I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I truly am. You just caught me at a bad time. I'm not usually up and about arguing with people, unless you count Blaise."

Draco's face contorted into something akin to both surprise and confusion; though he remained silent, as if considering something.

Her statement was true, of course. Astoria was almost never up anyone's arse. If anything, she always flitted about with a bright smile on her face. It just so happened that she triggered a cold that day, making her even more irritable than usual.

In an attempt to reconcile with him, Astoria pulled out yet another chocoball from her robes and offered it to him. 

"My dad always says that sweets always help you make friends," she started in a little sing-song voice before sending him a shy smile. "Since we got off on the wrong foot earlier, I figured we should start being civil with each other if we're to survive this tutoring."

Draco quirked a brow at her as if to find the notion odd, and yet decided to say anything against it. He then shook his head in amusement, after which he plucked the chocoball from her hand and pocketed it fruitlessly.

Astoria then gave in to the sudden itch of her nose, emitting a small achoo!

"You better get something for that cold of yours." Draco said plainly, finally snapping out his surprise-confusion reverie as Astoria wiped her nose with a bit of tissue from her robes.

"It's nothing." She sniffed weakly as she looked over her notes on Felix Felicis. "I'm quite sickly, so the cold's not new."

Draco said nothing for a while. She shifted uncomfortably when she caught him staring at her. There was none of the disdain or reproach he used to have when he looked at her. He looked to be considering something, which was frustratingly hard to read. Why were men such hard people to read? They were worse to read than a couple of Ancient Runes books.

"Perhaps we should cut off today's lesson." He finally said as he rolled up his parchment and stashed it away in his bag along with his quill. "You've been pale the minute you got here, and I'm actually quite surprised you had the audacity to participate in such well banter with me in your condition."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Astoria told him softly, but did nothing to stop him from tidying his things. "I'm perfectly fine."

"I'd much prefer a less-ill tutor; one that doesn't sneeze on my essay every once in a while." Draco said as a matter of fact before standing up. "Just hand me the notes you had for Felix Felicis so I'll revise the words on my own later tonight. Like I said earlier, I do have somewhere else to be anyway. Best you get on to the hospital wing, little Greengrass."

"Would you please stop calling me that? I know it's a thing you've run up with, but it's just so annoying sometimes." She sighed tiredly as she too shoved her things in her bag before standing up, her legs wobbling weakly. One of her hands accidentally held onto Draco's arms and she immediately pulled away the minute she realized he was holding onto her as well, probably helping her to keep upright.

Draco cleared his throat as he let go of her. He looked away, almost embarrassed.

"Right," Astoria finally said after the pregnant silence between them. She pulled out her Felix Felicis notes and handed it to him listlessly. "Make sure to have those essays of yours finished before Friday. Just do me a favor and please just finish them. My grade's just as much on the line as yours is."

He looked at her this time. His grey eyes searched her green ones silently before nodding listlessly. "Alright. I suppose I'll see you same time tomorrow. Do you need me to walk you back to the castle?"

Her cheeks flushed before she shook her head. "Of course not. I can handle myself, Draco. Surely I'm not some weak little princess to you?"

"I don't know," Draco looked her from head to toe, causing little goose bumps to rise in her arms. "You seem like the type."

"Shove off, will you?" Astoria pushed past him a little aggressively and she shook her head in amusement when she heard him laugh and follow her up the steep steps up to the castle. The warm sun shone a little brighter as they left the Black Lake, and her fever, for some odd reason, docked down a little less now that she felt more at ease around Draco.

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