'People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.'
- Johnny Depp
Even though Hook dragged me over his shoulder, my shirt and my hair got wet with the stupid seawater. Hook showed me a room I can stay, until we find a way home and right now I’m trying to dry my hair by running my fingers through it over and over again. Not working well, but I don’t have the comforts of a hairdryer. I look around the room, still running my fingers through my hair. It is not much, just a bed, a small bureau and a chair. But it is enough. Weird, just yesterday, I lived in a life where it is normal to have light and TV and other entertainment twenty-four seven. Here there is nothing. It is just about surviving and killing the time you have left when you’re not running for your life. Maybe this would be a good time to start writing again…
I hear footsteps cracking underneath someone’s feet and I look up through the open door to see who it is. Then Smee puts his head around the door and smiles to me, still a bit unsure. Somehow I feel a bit disappointed and I try not to make it show.
‘We haven’t been properly introduced.’ He says, walking into my room, invited by my smile and he holds out his hand to me.
‘I’m Smee.’
‘Carrie.’ I answer. ‘Nice to meet you.’
‘How did you get here Carrie?’ he asks and I have to think a bit before I answer.
‘I honestly…’ I start truthfully, ‘have no idea.’
The only thing I’m not going to tell him that it is possible I got here on my own will power, as Pan said to me earlier. The lost girl with the purest soul. Bull shit. It sound so stupid and silly I will never repeat it. Ever.
Smee still seems to feel uneasy around me and a silence follows while he is picking the hem of his shirt. I remember what I was thinking before he came in. Starting writing again.
‘You wouldn’t know where I can find paper and a pencil, would you?’
‘Well, I think the Captain has some on his desk, just go ask if he has some.’ Smee says to me with a smile and he gives me the directions to Hooks room.
I walk down the hallway to the end and go left where Smee told me I could find Hook.
I’m not sure I’m here for the paper, or for the person I have to get it from. Probably both. I better admit it right now.
I stopped writing after my mother died and I have thought about beginning several times, but I never did. Now I’m standing in frond of Hook’s door and I’m just bringing up my hand to knock when I hear his voice behind it.
‘Come on in, beautiful.’
For a second I’m disorientated but then I open the door, trying not to be hesitant.
Hook is standing behind a desk, running his hand through his hair and then he looks up to me.
‘How did you know it was me?’ I ask, walking up to him while I put my hands in my pockets.
‘You’re the only one here who walks so lightly.’
I look around the room. There are several maps hanging on the wall from different worlds. I recognize one of Neverland and one that says ‘Enchanted Forest’, which is where Hook comes from, but then I see one I would recognize everywhere. A map of my world with the familiar lines drawn on it, separating the different countries and the blue colour marking the oceans. I walk closer to it and run my finger over the part of the map of the United States. Someone –probably Hook- has drawn a big dot on it and encircled the name of the town.
Storybrook.
I never heard of that town, but according to the dot, the town isn’t likely to be that big. But what does Hook want in Storybrook that is important enough to draw it on a map?
When I look at him, he looks away quickly in the hope I didn’t notice that he noticed me looking at the map. I decide not to ask about it. It is pretty clear he won’t tell me anyway. But I’ll find out.
I walk back to Hook’s desk and lean against it while looking at him, until he looks back at me.
‘I was wondering if you ha…’ I forget what I was saying when my eyes fall on a piece of paper on the desk I’m leaning against. It is not just a paper. It’s a drawing of a woman. She is beautiful, her eyes sparkling and full of life. She has to be Milah. There is no other way. Before I can stop myself, I have picked up the drawing to examine it better.
I’m not able to say anything, because I feel his pain wash over me. In this drawing Milah wears clothing that can only be described as a pirates outfit. It is obvious she left her husband for a reason.
‘This is Milah?’ I ask with a trembling voice.
‘Yes. This was made just after she left town with me.’ he answer my thoughts.
The look in her eyes… there is only one thing I can say about it.
‘It sounds like she really loved you.’ I say and it is meant to be nice, but my own words burn in my throat and my stomach twits for some weird unknown reason.
‘She did.’ is the only thing he says and there is a short silence.
‘What was it you wanted to ask me?’ He asks and the tension is broken, and the vague glance of pain in his eyes is gone. I’m a bit off guard because of the quick change of the subject.
‘Oh, yeah… I ehm, I was wondering if you have some paper.’ I know I’m not able to form a normal sentence and my eyes are still drawn to the drawing. I start comparing myself to her, without wanting too. Milah had beautiful wavy brown hair that fell perfectly over her shoulders and although I’m not sure about the color of her eyes, it seems like they are beautiful. I have strawberry blond hair, which most people describe as red and falls straight down my back and my eyes are green. Maybe I don’t look like Milah, but we do have a few similar shapes in our faces. I immediately wonder if that is why Hook saved me. Because he sees a part of her in me? I don’t know and I’m not sure if I want to know. Plus Milah looks older than me, probably twenty-six, twenty-seven, at least the same age I think Hook is. He told me Milah died a long time ago and he spent his time in Neverland ever since, trying to find his way out. I’m years younger than him, have at least years less life experience, so why would he even be interested in me? And the look in his eyes tell me that he still isn’t over her. I shouldn’t even be thinking about this, but I can’t help myself.
I just can’t. And I hate myself for it.
Normally I’m not that insecure. I’m trying to lose this feeling, but I don’t feel better until Hook answers the question I totally forgot about.
‘Yeah, sure. Why do you need it anyway?’ I look up at him and I see something in his eyes again. No sadness. It is strength. I realize he doesn’t see me as Milah. He sees the real me. And that is something no one has in years.
‘I just want to start something I haven’t done for a long time.’ I answer and I smile because of his raised eyebrow. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of his sarcasm.
***
I have started writing about Neverland. I feel like this should be written down. And to be honest, I don’t know what else to write about. I haven’t even finished the first chapter, when Hook surprisingly appears in my doorway.
You’re the only one here who walks so lightly.
Oh yeah, cause you don’t scare the hell out of me?!
‘I know it has been an exhausted couple of days, but we have to get to work.’ He says and I’m all ears in a matter of seconds and I jump up, forgetting all about the paper on my desk.
‘I didn’t realize you had a plan.’
‘I do.’ He answers. ‘Multiple plans actually.’
‘Are you going to tell me about them or what?’ I ask, while we walk side by side through the hallway.
‘Well, you only need to know one at a time.’ He answers without really answering and he offers me his hand to help me up to the deck. I glare at him and ignore it and get up the deck myself. Only I can’t help a little smile playing around my lips and when Hook notices he laughs at me. I try to give him my famous angry glare, but I can’t be angry with him, not after everything he did for me and especially not when he smiles like that.
‘So what is you’re first plan?’ I ask, ignoring his smile once again. Well, at least I’m trying.
‘Okay, if you insist.’ He sits down on a turned over crate and leans forward. ‘You got here on your own. No help from Pan of someone else. You came here yourself. That means you are able to leave too.’
That is his plan? I have no idea how I got here in the first place and he expects me to find a way off this bloody island?
‘How do you know it works that way?’ I ask sarcastically about his plan.
‘I don’t. But it is worth to try.’ He says tapping with his fingers on his leg in a fast rhythm. When I don’t say anything, he continues.
‘What did you do when you got here?’
Yeah, what did I do?
‘I don’t know, nothing I guess.’ I answer, but Hook rolls his eyes at me and I know ‘nothing’ isn’t going to cover it. I sight and try to remember the morning I left in detail.
‘I… ehm, I was sitting outside when I fell asleep and I woke here at the beach.’ I tell him, but according to his frown, that still isn’t good enough.
‘Tell me details, like, what did you think, what did you do and what did you feel. Tell me.’ He reaches his arm up, like he is going to take my hand, but if that is so, he changes his mind and let it drop onto his knee again.
I take a deep breath. I know what he wants to hear. But I don’t want to tell him. No one actually. I feel tears well up, just like that morning, but I push them away.
‘I felt awful okay? Is that what you want to hear? I finally realized while I sat on my porch that I felt lonelier than ever. I couldn’t stop thinking that I didn’t wanted to be there, that I wanted to leave my home and go somewhere where no one knew me and just start over. Somewhere I’m not known as damaged and where I am pitied, because I don’t want any of that… I just…’ I don’t know where my voice started to sound frustrated and angry, but it does, until the very end. Hook stared at me for a few seconds with emotions I couldn’t quit read. But what I did know was that they weren’t the emotions I expected, like well, pity and that kind of stuff. I think I know how to describe his look.
Understanding.
He knew where I’ve been through, like no one I’ve known, except maybe my father, have.
‘You got here, because you wanted to.’ He says quietly and once again he reaches out for me, but this time he doesn’t change his mind and he takes my hand into his.
I feel one single tear run down my face, but I ignore it.
‘Too bad that it doesn’t bring us home.’ I regret it as soon as the words leave my lips. It sounded like I expect something from him, like I mean ‘us’ as in you know, ‘us’. I never intended to say that, I just want to say that I’m no help for him.
Luckily Hook didn’t seem to take it like that and he didn’t remove his hand at my comment, which I was secretly happy about. His warm hand covering mine felt right. In al those years, I didn’t let anyone touch me like that. Until now. For the first time, I want comfort and I want his comfort.
‘We’ll figure it out.’ He says, ignoring his crew who are all staring at us, which I didn’t notice until now. ‘I have a back-up plan remember?’
I smiled at him and I felt the urge to cry leave my body and Hook let go of my hand.
‘I know someone who might be able to help.’
***
Once again, we where on the move, but this time accompanied by Smee, who wasn’t bad company. He mostly kept quiet, but when I started talking to him, he turned out to be quit nice. He also had some experience with Rumplestiltskin, or the Dark One. He wanted eternal life and he went to Rumplestiltskin for help, who had threatened he would turn him into dust when he didn’t do what he had asked. When it didn’t work out well, he became a member of Hook’s crew and travelled to Neverland so he wouldn’t age anymore.
‘Why would you want eternal life if you have no one to share it with?’ I wondered, although I didn’t mean to say it out loud. Shocked, I glanced at Smee, but he didn’t seemed to mind my question.
‘It was a mistake, yes. Now I’m glad I am going to have another shot when we go to your world.’ I nod at him, because I understand. I do, accept the part about eternal life. Why would someone want to live forever when everyone around you dies of old age and you have no one to be together with?
Somehow, I had the feeling that Hook had listened to our conversation, even though he didn’t participate in it and walked a few feet in frond of us.
We were on our way to Tinkerbell. Just when I thought it couldn’t get weirder, we went on a hike trip to find a fairy named Tinkerbell. Hook had told me that Tinkerbell had lost her wings when the Blue Fairy didn’t believe in her anymore, but he hoped she had some magic left. When I had asked why he didn’t ask her before he said: ‘I did. Only she didn’t had anything that already had magic. Now we have you.’. For some reason I didn’t like to hear I had magic in me, because of everything I heard. Magic always comes with a price and that kind of stuff. The thought that I could have magic somewhere inside me made me shiver.
Anyway, Hook hoped Tinkerbell could give me some magic so I could find my way back to home and take them with me. How do they think I can get a entire ship with people back to another land, another world? I didn’t say anything though, because we first had to figure out a way to do it and later think about the details.
I hoped we could get back before dark, because I wanted to spend the night in an actual bed. Just when I started to wonder how long this was going to take, Hook answered my unspoken question.
‘We must be getting close now.’
The woods were getting thicker, the trees closer to one and other. I need to watch out where I put my feet, and I notice fast that I slow them down. I realize that they are used to this. But they don’t say anything and change their pace to mine, which I’m graceful about. I’m an outside person, but this is quit a bit different than back home, to say the least.
Although they slow down for me, I’m still at the back of our little group, but I don’t mind. It is okay to be alone for a bit.
Suddenly, a dark figure sprints towards me from behind the tree line and before I can do anything arms are around my chest and something cold is held to my throat. I’m positive it is a knife. I gasp, but even before that Hook has turned around on his heels and has drawn his sword. My heartbeat is so fast I can feel it in every inch of my body and then I hear a woman’s voice hissing into my ear.
‘Who are you?’ she obviously only noticed me when we past, because she talks quiet so only I can hear it.
‘Carrie.’ I answer and I try to keep the fear out of my voice. ‘You have nothing to fear from me.’
‘Yeah sure.’ I see she firms her grip on the knife and I feel it’s pressure on my skin. But she gave me an opportunity this way. Her hand is close to my mouth and I don’t hesitate and bite as hard as I can on her thumb that is closed to me. She screams and lets me go and I take the chance to pull her away from me.
‘Tink, she is with us!’ Hook shouts at the woman when she lunges herself at me again. I turn around so I’m facing the woman –apparently Tinkerbell- and I see a woman about my length with blond hair and a wild look in her eyes. I guess this island has taken its toll by most people. When she sees Hook and Smee she looks confused and then she focuses her eyes on me again, furious.
‘What? She is with you? What do you need another toy?’ Tinkerbell spits out the words like they are venom. What is wrong with her? What did I do to her? Now I’m getting angry and I place my hands on my hips.
‘I’m not his toy and I’m not going to help you now you tried to kill me for no reason.’ I spit back at her and she looks confused again. I said that suspecting Hook and his crew weren’t the only ones who wanted to leave the island. And I could offer that to her. With a bit of help.
‘What the hell are you talking about? Why would I need your help?’ She asks wiping her hand off at her pants and I see it leaves a whip of blood behind. Good, I think.
I want to say something, but Hook puts his hand on my shoulder, completely distracting me, even though he probably has no idea and stands between the two of us.
‘Ladies, please. No need to get offended. It’s just a misunderstanding.’ He says and I glare at him angrily. I mean, hello, she just tried to kill me!
He ignores my death glare and turns to Tinkerbell.
‘Look, Tink, we might have a way to leave this island and she is our way out.’ He says and his poor choice of words irritate me. It sounds like that is the only reason I’m here, like I’m his hostage or something. It seems like he can read my thoughts, because he corrects himself.
‘She can help us get out of here, but therefore we need your help first.’
As angry and irritated Tinkerbell looked just seconds ago, so excited she looks now.
‘What is it you need?’ she asks stepping forward to Hook, completely ignoring me and Smee who is still standing a bit behind, totally of guard because of what just happened. I sense there is some sort of history between them and I don’t like it. Maybe it is stupid, there is nothing between me and Hook, but I still don’t like they way she talks to him and my jealously side kicks in without me wanting it to. I hope I will get over that feeling, otherwise it will be hard to cooperate with her without glare angrily at her. Plus I don’t want Hook to notice my stupid childish behaviour. Luckily I’m great at hiding my emotions. I learned that over the years.
‘We need magic.’ Hook says and Tinkerbell’s smile disappears as fast as it came up. I do feel better. Although Tinkerbell had only spoken directly to Hook, he spoke like we were a team. Maybe he did that to make fault from earlier right. It doesn’t matter what his motives were, but I felt better.
Tinkerbell looks like she is in pain and she turns away from the both of us. Hook still has his hand on my shoulder and he realizes it to –although I didn’t stop noticing- and he drops his hand slowly. Although I’m a bit disappointed he let go, he still stands close to me, as in very close.
‘You know I don’t have magic anymore. Not after…’ she doesn’t finishes her sentence, but she doesn’t need to. The Blue Fairy took her wings. I know that, but she doesn’t know I know and I’m not going to tell her.
My hope is crushed and I’m sure I look just as hurt as she does.
‘We’ll figure it out. In the mean time, we better head back to my ship.’ Hook says, pointing over his shoulder.
‘Fine, I’ll try to help, but don’t get your hopes up.’ Tinkerbell says, while walking past us, in the direction Hook pointed out. Smee follows her and Hook and I stay a bit behind. I feel like he has something to say. When Tinkerbell and Smee are too far away to hear us, he grabs my arm to get my attention. Not that he needed to.
‘You really have the fire. You’ll probably survive here if you needed to.’ He compliments me and there is nothing else to do for me than smile my brightest smile to him as we follow the others.
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