All RFA Members X Depressed! Reader
Diagnosis
Warning: Mentions of Severe Depression, pity party, TUBS AND TUBS OF ICE-CREAM, horror movies.
Author's Note: I was recently clinically diagnosed with severe depression and to be honest, I already sort of knew, but being told... it seems more real. These are literally my thoughts daily so, uh, be gentle...?
~ ❤️💛💚💙💜 ~
You let out a shaky sigh as your finger hovered over your phone's keyboard. The other members were all rambling on about Yoosung's forever aloneness when Seven realised you had been apart of the chat for the past five minutes, but hadn't said anything.
707: Wait! [Y/N]'s here!!
You sighed aloud.
[U/N]: hi guys...
Yoosung: Hey~ Hey~
Jaehee: Are you alright? You seem a little unenthusiastic...?
Zen: Really? I hadn't noticed??
Jumin: Perhaps your ego got in the way.
Zen: WHA--
Zen: You jerk!
707: lololololololol
You smiled slightly.
[U/N]: Yeah, uh, I just got back from my psychiatrist.
Yoosung: You have a psychiatrist?!
Zen: Woah- when?!
Jumin: She told us yesterday.
Jumin: Or were you too busy playing LOLOL and taking selfies to notice?
707: SAVAGE CABBAGE
Jaehee: I have to agree, how could you forget something so important?
Zen: JUMIN YOU JERK...
Zen: I'm sorry, [Y/N]...
Yoosung: I didn't mean to forget!
[U/N]: It's okay, really.
Jaehee: So how did it go?
[U/N]: I...
They need to know... They deserve to know...
[U/N]: Was clinically diagnosed with severe depression.
Yoosung: Wh... what?
Zen: oh my god
Jumin: how... unfortunate. I'm sorry.
Jaehee: I'm so sorry. I didn't realise... I... must be a terrible friend.
[U/N]: No! It's okay, really.
[U/N]: and...
[U/N]: you don't have to worry about me... doing anything because I wouldn't ever leave you guys.
Zen: Oh good
Jaehee: Especially after...
Jumin: Rika?
Yoosung: ...
Jaehee: Yes
Zen: Are you okay?
[U/N]: I'm having a really bad day... I'll probably just go make myself some hot chocolate or tea and watch some movies or something.
[U/N]: If I can focus long enough...
[U/N]: I found out that depression interferes with the part of your brain that tells you to focus.
Jaehee: Is that why you've been working less?
[U/N]: probably...
[U/N]: I'm sorry
Yoosung: No! It's okay! It's not your fault!
[U/N]: Thank you. All of you. You're all so understanding.
[U/N]: Well, I'll just... go.
[U/N] left the chat room.
Nothing seemed automatically different when you left the room of your psychiatrist, but on your way home, listening to some K-Pop...
You were exhausted.
Literally exhausted. Any and all human interaction just made you tired. You wanted to sleep so badly, even though it was barely ten in the morning.
When you got home, you sat on your bed and stared at the wall, running your hands through your head in a feeble attempt to calm the thoughts running through your head.
God, you were so tired.
Tears started falling, even though you don't know why, and your head felt so painful, whereas your body felt so numb. You wanted some sort of physical pain, just to feel even.
But you knew better. People would worry. People would watch you more closely. People would sensor. They wouldn't let you watch 'depressing' things.
Just living like this was hard enough. People sensoring you would be too much to handle.
You tugged at your hair until you felt stands fall loose in your palms and you leaned backward, falling onto your bed. Grabbing a soft blanket, you fell into a deep sleep.
~
When your eyes opened, what greeted you was darkness.
A brief glance to the digital clock on your bedside table revealed that it was 11:26 in the evening.
Despite sleeping for a day, you still felt so tired.
You closed your eyes, ready for sleep, when your phone rang.
With a tired arm, you picked it up and brought it to your ear.
"Hello?" Your voice, unused, sounded like you had just finished crying.
"A-Are you okay?" Yoosung's voice was riddled with concern as he talked with a gentle tone. You nodded tiredly before you realised the situation.
"Yeah, just tired."
"Hmm..."
"Is there anything else?"
"What's your favourite ice-cream flavour?"
"I love them all." You can hear the faint smile in his voice at your answer.
"I scream, you scream--"
"We all scream for ice-cream."
"Aha... I'll see you soon. Don't sleep, okay?"
"Wait, wha--?" You're cut off by the tone of his hang-up, leaving you lying in the dark with confusion.
You sit up and feel dizzy.
You stand up and feel exhausted all over again. You feel like crying.
It's so hard.
How does everyone do it? How do they do it? How do they find a will to live so easily?
God, that makes me sound suicidal.
I don't want to die...
I just don't want to live this way.
~
You don't bother changing clothes or fixing your appearance- it's just Yooosung, and you've seen him in much worse condition.
Instead, you just stand in the kitchen with a cup of tea and struggle to keep your mind from wandering to the blissful possibilities of self-harm.
Ding-Dong.
Thankful for the interruption, you set down your cup of tea and wander toward the door and throw it open.
"Yoosung--" You look to see the entire RFA standing in front of you.
"We thought you needed some friends." Yoosung says, smiling brightly.
"And tubs and tubs of ice-cream." Seven winks, holding up plastic bags of what appeared to be exactly what he had just said.
Despite human interaction being exhausting, you let in the members and guide them to your living room.
They don't yell.
They don't question your illness.
They just sit there with you, eating ice-cream and laughing at the stupidity in girls in old horror movies with you.
They don't understand what you're going through.
And that's okay.
They're there.
And maybe some days, that's not going to be enough.
But for today, it is.
~ ❤️💛💚💙💜 ~
Dedicated: To the friends who don't question. To the people who understand that they don't understand. To my psychiatrist for promising me help and leading me to believe I'll get it, someday.
And, to you guys.
You do so much more for me than you let yourselves believe.
Thank you.
And may you take care of your mental state.
Because mine is wrecking havoc on my life.