Christine's P.O.V
I woke up to a grey and cold Sunday morning. I had to strain myself if I was going to open up my eyes today.
Jason wasn’t beside me anymore. Instead I lay, alone, under my duvet. I snuggled myself further down under it. I was still wearing his sweatshirt.
Conjured, I stepped out of my bed and went to the bathroom.
My face felt swollen, as it does when you've been crying for a long time. I looked at the girl mirror, and lay two cold hands on my cheeks.
My eyes were still red and puffy; the mascara was smeared out under my eyes. Had Jason seen this and been indifferent? Unbelievable.
I snorted.
Yesterday's memories flew back: My date with Elliot that Jason with pleasure had spoiled, where he afterwards had threatened me to rape me. But he wouldn’t have done that to me. I refused to believe that. I had maybe thought he would do he when it all happened.
“LICK IT AWAY OR I’M GONNA FUCKING RAPE YOU!”
I closed my eyes.
But when I saw what he looked like afterwards... He had looked so wrong. Pale and his eyes were staring sadly at me. Not that it was an excuse for what he had done. I had felt so helpless. And thought he didn’t really cared about me. But I knew now, that he does. He actually wanted me. And it scared me.
Peevishly, I pulled the hoodie over my head and threw it at the floor, along with the white shirt.
I looked at the naked girl in the mirror. She also looked completely wrong. Distraught, as one who was in love. In love? Was I really in love? Did I even want to be that?
I turned on the hot water and entered it with a sigh. I let myself slide down the wall while the water splashed down at me.
I sat with my legs up to my chest and rested my eyes down in my knees.
I felt so dirty. I sat there for a while. I thought about it all. What else I could have done. Then I blamed myself for blaming myself for something that wasn’t my fault. I got up and scrubbed the soap against my skin. I didn’t want to waste any more time to sit here and feel sorry for myself. This hadn’t been my fault. And even though Jason had apologized, it was still not enough. I needed a proof that he was sorry. That he would never ever think of doing something like that again.
Jason’s P.O.V
I let the hot water splash down at my face.
"STOP JASON! YOU’RE HURTING ME!" She cried.
I closed my eyes in. It still hurts to think about.
"Sorry Christine, I'm so sorry,"
I really was. What on earth had I done to that poor girl? Just as I had been about to win her trust, then I had as usual ruined everything.
I wanted to go and visit her. Right now. But I know that won’t help anything. She needs to think. I didn’t want to push her more than I already did.
I sighed. So until she had decided, I could only think back at the memories.
It had felt so right to be the one that could comfort her when she had cried. Even though I knew it was my fault that she had been crying her eyes out.
To have her little body in my arms while she sniffled into my chest. How I gently had rocked her in my arms as she slowly had fallen asleep.
I wanted it to like that forever. Not that she had to cry. No, she was never going to do that anymore. It was a promise I had made to myself.
I have no idea how I suddenly had become so sentimental. There was just something inside of me that had an urge to protect Christine from everything.
And I don’t know if I'll ever forgive myself for not being able to have protected her from myself.
I was speaking of experiences when I say I had decided to stay home, rather than to go and be with her.
"Rudy stop, you’ll have to leave now," She whispered frightened.
"Aren’t you glad to see me? HUH? YOU MAYBE HATE ME?" He furious yelled back.
I shook my head in an attempt to repress the memories.
I needed Christine. Need to explain everything to her. And she needed me. She had to.
"Will you please... Hold me tight? Until I fall asleep?" Her voice was so weak, in the attempt of forcing the urge to cry.
I was surprised that she wasn’t afraid of my touch. Not screaming and shouting at me that I was crazy, like they used to do.
She had no idea how I long I wanted to hold her. All night if she had allowed it.
But I was afraid. Afraid that I might couldn’t control myself and do something she wouldn’t be pleased with. As I already had done.
I had hesitated for a moment. I should have said no. For her own safety. But I couldn’t resist the temptation of getting Christine to feel better. Make her feel safe again.
I laid myself behind her and spooned her from behind. The desire of getting her body under mine was strong. Just the sight of her bare legs made me crazy. Wow, I'm really starting to get addicted to her. And I hated it. I didn’t need other people. I had always just had myself, so why change on that.
But in that moment Christine needed someone. And that someone happened to be me. No one else should have the ability to protect Christine in this way. This was my job.
Sniffling, she turned around and snuggled herself into my chest.
It was long ago, I had cuddled with someone like this. Several years actually.
I didn’t really knew what to do then. Yes, Jason McCann, was out on a wrong track because of a girl!
I sighed and pulled her in close.
My little girl. What had I done...
In tact with that she stopped crying, her breath calmed. I looked down at her. She looked adorable with my sweatshirt on, that was way too big for her. Her distraught eyes were closed. She looked so peaceful.
I removed some hair that was stuck to her cheek.
I wish she had never fallen asleep. Then I could have kept her in my arms forever. But this was reality. Incidentally, I was lucky to be allowed to just hold her for a while.
I laid my head in front of hers. Why hadn’t I told her how beautiful she looked? I had only thought about myself. But it was hard to have to take responsibility for others, when no one never had taken care of you. So it felt unnatural to suddenly have a responsibility.
I put a hand under her chin and gently pressed my lips against her cheek. It was hard to leave her, now that I finally had her to myself.
With a sigh, I was about to stand up from the bed when Christine suddenly took her arms around my neck and pulled me back to her.
"No, stay," she whispered quietly into my ear. I was totally shocked because I thought she had already fallen asleep.
She opened her eyes a bit.
I stroked my thumbs against her cheeks, and wiped away the remaining tears.
"Don’t worry. I'll never leave you," I whispered back, stroking my lips against hers.
She nodded slightly but affirmative and licked her lips.
Slowly, I leaned a bit forward and pressed my lips against hers.
I kept them there for a moment before I pulled my lips back and moistened them.
We just lay there. As if nothing never had happened, while in reality my world was about to callapse.
It felt so right with her in my arms, and her lips against mine.
But I could see that she was tired. I had to hand put my own desire and think of her instead. I hope she kissed me because she wanted to, and not because she wanted to satisfy me. She needed to sleep. And she couldn’t get if I continued to keep her awake. I put a hand in the back of her head, and with a sigh she laid her head down in my neck.
She placed a light kiss on my skin. Oh for God's sake, stop it Christine. I can’t stand much more.
Maybe her subconscious head me. Because it didn’t take long before she slept soundly and safely.
Slowly, I got up from the bed. I didn’t want her to wake up again. She really needed that sleep. No matter how fucking hard it was to leave her right now.
It hurt to see her so vulnerable and lie there without any defense. Without me as her defense. Without me to protect her from me. It sounded so stupid. But it was true. The best way I could protect her right now was to make sure that I wasn’t there to hurt her. Besides, I had promised her to go when she slept.
I carefully tugged her in her soft covers, and bowed me down one last time down to give her a kiss. It was maybe the last kiss I was ever going to give her.
"Goodnight Christine," I whispered before I jumped out the window and out in the cold air.
I woke up from my flashback. I really missed being in her arms right now.
With a sigh, I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower.
I hope she is ready to forgive me. For all I know right now is that I’m willing to do everything for her. Everything.