After that night I could not stop thinking about Vivian and our wonderful sensual kiss. What had been awoken inside of me? I couldn't just disregard it simply as a kiss. A kiss was something intimate between two people. It meant far more to me than a simple lapse in reason. My brain and body were trying to tell me something. I thought about it all continuously. It consumed my waking hours. What did this all mean?
I could not get her out of my head. I could not stop thinking about her. My mind was in turmoil. I thought she was beautiful, yet I hadn't thought about her sexually. Did I want her? Or was it just a longing for intimacy and affection? I didn't think both of us were that way inclined...but we had kissed! I was so confused! I had to figure out what I felt for Vivian and women in general. It was a more pressing issue on my mind that I couldn't seem to escape from. Did I want to though?
It was a tangled web of confusion and it was dominated by my trying to decide what I wanted. Up until now I had never seriously contemplated my sexuality. I discretely borrowed books on the subject of homosexuality, bisexuality and what it meant to be a lesbian. I could at least gain an understanding of what I was feeling. For days and days my waking hours were consumed with analysing and questioning. What joyous and exquisite agony - simultaneously exciting and harrowing.
I thought about this sudden interest in women. I found it rather strange - the sight of two women 'together' – kissing and making love had never done anything for me, but I did find some women attractive. A few times over the years - there were movie stars, mostly from the glamorous days of Hollywood, some TV stars and musicians that I found attractive, but I had never thought of them in a sexual context. Neither had I been physically attracted to any woman I knew personally.
When I was a school girl I found myself looking at other girls and admiring their figures. I used to scold myself for such admiration. It was wrong! I shouldn't admire another girl! I tried, with success, to avoid thinking about whether I was gay. I recalled instances where I had questioned and then subsequently denied my sexuality. I preferred to forget about it.
As I thought about it all, a phrase came into my head, 'everyone tells me it's wrong to want you so badly.' But was it really wrong? No! Deviations from 'normal' sexuality had been around for time immortal. If you truly wanted and loved someone surely it did not matter if they were of the same sex.
I think those feelings had probably always been there. I just strongly denied my potential homosexuality and I had not allowed myself to tap into them. Since that denial I was oblivious to how I looked at other women. I had never really analysed it again, until now. I had 'obsessed' over some women – lecturers at university. I don't know if it was sexual, to me it seemed that it was an intense admiration of their academic success and their lifestyle. But, in light of what I was feeling now, perhaps it had run deeper. Contemplating it, I recalled that I had been fascinated by the physical appearance of some women, but I hadn't thought about them in any other context than friendship. Those lesbian feelings were there beneath the surface, they just needed a certain woman to pierce my shell and release them. That woman had been Vivian.
My beliefs now allowed me to have these feelings for Vivian and women as whole and not feel guilty. No longer did I question if feelings like this were wrong or right. A few years ago I had finally made the transition to not caring what mainstream society dictated. I had surpassed the will to conform to society, with its particular norms and ideas of right and wrong and of love and sex and everything else we encountered in our everyday lives. I always knew I was different – it just took me a long time to truly realise it. I had longed to be like other girls, but I never could. My final realisation that it didn't matter was a godsend. I felt liberated. I would be who I wanted to be and not worry about what other people felt. I didn't have to be like them and it would make me a better person for it. I believed in what I wanted to believe. I liked what I wanted to like. I was going to have my own convictions, do with my life what I wanted and love whoever I wanted.
My purpose in life was not to find a man and get married, buy a house, have kids, and meanwhile forge a career for myself and live a typical life. I didn't want that and why should society make me feel different if I didn't adhere to this. My parents and my upbringing had always promoted doing what you what to do and I was glad to finally realise this and break free of the mainstream. I sometimes enjoyed being a bit of an outsider and I liked being different, but it was hard.
So therefore I no longer questioned whether homosexuality was right or wrong. It was only parts of mainstream heterosexual society and the Church that said these orientations were wrong. My conviction that I did not need to question the righteousness of homosexuality did me wonders. I felt proud of myself. After all if I had feelings like that I could not have a total aversion to that way of life. But there were a few things that I did dislike – the constant stereotyping and immense need to advertise one's orientation. But that stemmed from my personality not prejudice.
What I had been questioning was the meaning of these feelings and whether I was truly physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally attracted to women. Had those feelings been true homosexual desires? Yes! After hours of soul searching I was prepared to admit it. I now knew that those feelings were true! My heart, my mind and my body could not deny the strength and truth in these feelings and I had accepted that! Could I call myself lesbian, dyke and gay? I disliked those words. But that was what I was and I had to come to terms with identifying myself as this.
Yes I had realised that I was attracted to women and probably had been for a long time. But had I stopped being attracted to men? No, not totally! I liked men too! I was attracted to men and to women. Bisexuality certainly did not seem bad to me now and I encouraged myself to feel happy and to embrace it all. I was bisexual, and in fact this seemed even more confusing than simply being a lesbian. A bisexual could neither wholly be heterosexual, nor wholly a lesbian or gay man. Yes you could live a heterosexual existence, but the fact that you had feelings for members of the same sex, you could never truly be heterosexual. Yet on the other hand you could be in a homosexual relationship but you could not wholly call yourself homosexual. There seemed to be a blurred line between female bisexuality and lesbianism. Being a lesbian was an integral part of being bisexual, after all, that attraction to women helped define that orientation. I found all this a bit confusing and daunting if I contemplated it too much. I seemed to be thinking of bisexuality when I was asleep and these thoughts kept me awake in the middle of the night. But I didn't think it consciously worried me.
I forced myself to think of the positives – I could embrace two sexual orientations - I could love both men and women, and of all the doors that would be opening up for me. I had experienced heterosexuality and now I wanted to explore lesbianism. It was that eagerness to explore these new found feelings and desires that spurred me on. I wasn't going to deny it. I had finally discovered what and who I was. After all these years it had taken someone, that special someone was Vivian, to make me realise what I wanted. She had unintentionally made me come to terms with it all. It was her. She had changed me. I was overwhelmed by it all! - Everything that had happened in the last few days. A whole new part of my life had begun.
∗
She disturbed my thoughts. I could not think straight and I could not concentrate. She scrambled my brains! She was inside my head. I was so distracted and when I was at work, I had found my mind drifting off and thinking of her. Was it a kind of madness – to be so consumed by thoughts of another human, another woman? I wasn't mad. It was love and attraction! She pierced my existence! She had struck me so hard. I felt as if I was out of focus, my life was out of focus and she had done this to me! This was an intense all consuming passion! I hadn't even felt this for a man. What I felt for Vivian was........different! It was almost unexplainable. I felt this for her and we had only kissed!
Vivian had whetted my appetite and I wanted her! I was smitten with her, absolutely smitten! As I thought about her, the idea of being with her seemed more and more appealing. I had lain in bed thinking about her, her features, her personality and her allure. I had never caressed a woman. Now it seemed like a wonderful thought. I wanted to run my fingers through her luxurious raven hair. I wanted to look into her dark jewelled eyes and see into her very soul. I wanted to kiss again her luscious and full pink tinged lips and taste her. I wanted to caress her wonderful voluptuous breasts with my fingertips, my hands and my lips. I wanted to explore the flat expanse of her belly, with a little depression for her navel. I wanted to touch the delicate smooth skin or her thighs.
She had such an amazing effect on me that I felt so wonderful and liberated too. I found her irresistible. She was the most amazing woman I had ever laid eyes upon and ever known! Everything about her was appealing; including her appearance, her personality, her persona, and her very life was fascinating and alluring. And I loved her voice – feminine, yet not too girlie, and I loved her accent. I heard her voice in my head.
My mind and body longed for her. I wanted to kiss her, to touch her, to be hers and I wanted to make love to her. But I was nervous about the prospect, how and what would I do? I read books to teach myself how to be a wonderful lesbian lover. At first I felt a little strange buying books like that, but then I didn't care. It was a little exciting thinking about this new side of myself and what it all meant. New doors were being opened for me. I began to see the world and the people in it in a different light. A passing smile from a woman on the street or from a girl behind a counter suddenly seemed to have more meaning now, or at least they meant a lot more to me. But of coarse this could not compare with the woman upon whom all my desires and thoughts were focused. If Vivian smiled at me I thought I could collapse from the emotion and joy of it all.
∗
Everything had pierced my shell and now, with these blossoming desires and realisation, my emotions and feelings were flowing out. I felt more comfortable thinking emotionally and now I wanted to reveal my feelings and eventually act upon them. I was less inhibited and more determined to get what I wanted and give myself some happiness.
She had kissed me too and I hoped desperately that she felt the same for me. There was a small amount of hope, gleaming golden. We had both kissed each other. She must surely have some feelings toward me. Please let it be more that just a drunken mistake!! If I couldn't have her, I did not know what I would do! Would all this be in vein? Would it destroy what he had? Would I loose her because of my own undeniable desires and my will to reveal them? Could I bare that possible loss?
I did not know what I would do if she did not return my sentiment. What would it do to my mental state? I was emotionally fragile. I didn't think I could handle it. But my desire to know, the need to reveal my feelings surpassed the dark thoughts of what might happen if she didn't feel the same way for me. I surprised myself thinking this, that I almost disregarded the possible negative outcomes of such a revelation.
∗
I let the days slip by and it had been more than a week before I gained enough courage to go and talk to her. I called around to her apartment on a Tuesday night. She seemed a little surprised to hear my voice through her door intercom. I was so nervous, butterflies were in my stomach and my hands were shaking. I walked the two flights of steps to her apartment. I only had to wait a few seconds for her to open the door. My heart melted when I saw her. Vivian looked beautiful. She was dressed in a pale pink sweater and tight brown corduroy pants. She led me into her lounge room.
"I was wondering why I hadn't heard from you."
"I had to sort some things out."
What I had had to sort out was what I felt for her! I had to tell her. If I didn't I would continue torturing myself. But as I remembered the words I had rehearsed so many times over and over to myself I had some sudden doubts. Was I prepared to risk this new found friendship for the sake of desire? What if she didn't feel the same for me? Would it all be a mistake? I disregarded those thoughts. For once in my life I was going to admit my feelings. I was prepared to risk it all. I had discovered so much about myself and I was going admit to her what I truly felt.
"About the other night........" I took a deep breath. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and about you. It was wonderful. I thought you were a great kisser. I want you!"
It all came rushing out and it was a relief. I no longer had to keep it bottled up inside me. Vivian had admitted herself that she wasn't that way inclined. Was I wishing for something that was not possible? What would I do if she didn't want me? What was I letting myself in for? I wondered what she thought of me. Did she feel the same? She moved closer to me and my heart was beating wildly. Her face was close to mine and I looked into her beautiful eyes. I wished I could have read what she thought in her eyes, for I wanted to know her answer immediately. I could hardly bare the silence.
"I couldn't get you out of my head," she whispered.
Momentarily I thought 'could this all be a dream?' and I could hardly comprehend it. For once in my life my dream had come true. The object of my desire and longing felt the same for me. I was so overcome by her words. It was as if all my happiness and desire exploded inside me as I realized the magnitude of what she had said. My heart pounded. I lost control, control of my reserved personality. I discarded my shyness and I kissed her without reservation. I had never been so bold. Vivian did not object to my affection. In fact, she returned my kiss more passionately than I could have imagined. Our kiss was as enchanting as our first embrace and I almost drowned in the sensuality of it. We explored each others lips and mouths for what seemed an eternity until we collapsed onto her couch. We caught our breaths.
My heart was beating so fast in my chest and my blood pulsated wildly through my body. I was in heaven. We had just shared another moment of intense affection and this time we knew each others feelings. I had never even kissed a woman before her, let alone been to bed with one. The desire that had consumed me the last couple of days now could be fulfilled by Vivian. I asked her if she had ever been with a woman. I wondered how much soul searching she had been through. Did she know just how much she had affected me?
"No. I'd never even kissed a woman, apart from my Mum and Nana, until I kissed you."
I had affected her. It made me feel wonderful and special. I smiled at her, admired her and I was lost for words. She looked at me; her smoky dark lined eyes were extremely intense. They were sparkling jewels of deep brown beneath well defined; yet not pencil thin, arched eyebrows. They were the most wonderful brown eyes I had ever seen. Looking at her, admiring her and the touch of her lovely lips upon mine made me ache inside. I wanted her, my body wanted her.