Chapter 31 - Satisfaction
It feels weird to wake up and remember the latest events. All the things that took place yesterday and for a moment I just want to stay in bed and mourn for the things I had to give up on. For Niall. Because until now, until the moment I wake up and realise I don’t have him anymore, I didn’t think he meant that much to me. It hurts, it hurts really bad that I had to give up on him in order to be at ease with myself.
It’s true when people say you can’t have everything in life. I couldn’t have Niall and my dreams and fight. Both were not compatible and I just have to accept that. I made my choice already and although it hurts, I have to move on. I said it already, I’ve been fighting Rhonda for years, I’ve known Niall for less than three months, it can’t be that hard to get over him.
Well, a little voice in my head says that it will be hard because he wasn’t just a summer fling or that nice guy I met during my last summer in the retreat centre, he’s Niall, that cheesy boy that made me so happy with simple things, who made me realise that celebrities are just normal people and they also deserve an escape. They need it. He’s the guy who always laughs at my lame jokes, the guy who made me embrace my sappy side.
Of course it’s going to be hard to move on and get over him.
But if I had chosen him, after time I would’ve hated him because I gave up my fight and what was so important to me for him. I would’ve blamed him and myself and it would’ve been worse. It’s better like this, to end things when they were still beautiful and not when the relationship was all broken. I only have good memories from my time with him. Isn’t that better?
I leave my bed because staying here, dwelling on the things I lost and I can’t have back isn’t like me. I’m not a weak needy girl who needs a boy to make her move on. I can solve my own problems, I can do this. I have only nine days left.
The first thing I do when I’m ready to start my workday is to switch floors with Cami again. She looks confused so I tell her. “Niall and I broke up,” because of course she knew something was going on. She was kind of an accomplice in all this.
“Oh no, I’m so sorry, Ella,” she says but I shake my head.
“It’s fine. I just don’t want awkward meetings,” I tell her with a smile and she nods, but she still looks sad for me, maybe sadder than I look.
So I avoid Niall because it hurts knowing he’s not mine anymore, but seeing him would only make me feel worse and I don’t want that. I’m sure this is the best choice and I don’t want him trying to tell me that I need to change my mind, that we should be together because even when I want that, there are more important things in life.
Later that day, after I’ve successfully avoided Niall and Harry, even Charlie and Liv, I go to Rhonda’s office not because she’s called me, but because I need this to give me the strength to keep going. I need to do this to make sure I did the right thing because as twilight gets closer, I feel that need to go to Niall like I normally do and I can’t afford myself a moment of weakness.
“Arabella, dear! What a surprise. Do you need something, my child?” Rhonda asks when I walk in and I feel sick again at the way she looks at me.
“In fact, I need to tell you something,” I say and she keeps smiling at me, sweeter than I’ve ever seen her smiling. With more love than when she looks at Jenny and Kimmy and this is the most horrendous thing I’ve ever seen.
“Of course, you can tell me anything, Arabella. I’m your mother, I’m here for you.”
I clench my fists, controlling myself not to attack her for saying that. She’s not my mother and she will never be. My mother died and no one will ever replace her, and most certainly not Rhonda.
This rage boiling inside of me gives me the will to get over with this. I’ll tell her and destroy that smile. I’ll kill that pride she feels and that loving smile will be gone forever. That’s what I need right now.
“Does it have to do with your boyfriend? That lovely guy Niall? I’m so happy! If you want to stop working so you can spend more time with him this last week, consider it done! Whatever you need,” she exclaims overly sweet and I breathe heavily, dying to throw something at her.
“It has to do with him,” I say and Rhonda raises her eyebrows, expecting good news. “I broke up with him,” I finally say.
There’s silence and I’m holding my breath, just like Rhonda. That big smile starts to disappear as a frown comes to her brow. Rhonda blinks confused, as if she expects me any moment to tell her it’s a joke, a bad joke.
“No, you didn’t, Arabella. No.”
“Yes I did,” I insist, folding my arms, feeling powerful.
“No. That boy… no. But… Why? You finally did something good, you got one of the best bachelors and you’re letting him go? Why?”
“Because you set that up. Because you want me to be with him, Rhonda, and I won’t be with someone you want me to be,” I reply, feeling victorious. Feeling that powerful sensation inside my body.
“But you two… No, Arabella, please, think of what you’re doing. He’s so famous and rich and he’ll give you a safe future. Don’t you want that? I won’t be here forever to help you,” Rhonda asks and she looks so broken because of this news, as broken as I should feel but now that I see her like this, I feel great.
“No, that’s not what I want. I want my dreams, my freedom, my own career”, I reply but Rhonda shakes her head and comes to me.
“But if you’re with him you can do anything. You don’t even have to study! You can travel the world and do some charity wherever you want. You can start your own resort for normal people, like your father did!” She insists but I shake my head and pull backwards, away from her.
“I want to study medicine, I want to take the long road and study hard and do it all on my own. I want to help all those who can’t afford a centre like this. That’s what I want to do. I don’t want to be a celebrity’s girlfriend and make you proud along the way. I won’t make you happy, Rhonda.”
“But Arabella… Please, think of what you’re doing. You two are perfect,” she insists but I snort.
“You don’t even know how we are together so don’t say that. I broke up with him and no matter what you say, that’s my final decision. I won’t follow the path you want me to, I’ll follow my own path.”
And with that I leave her office, with a big smile and satisfaction filling my whole body. Nothing can feel better than this, knowing I destroyed that dream she had about me following whatever she dreamt of. Nothing feels greater than knowing I’m doing what I want and not what she wants me to do. Nothing feels more sublime than knowing I’m doing exactly what makes her disappointed and unhappy.
I knew it was going to be worth it, this feeling is worth it.
+ + + + +
By the end of the day I’m having dinner in my room, alone but with a smile still on my lips as I remember Rhonda’s face when I told her. She’ll never look at me with a big and proud smile again, she’ll never treat me like a daughter again. That makes me happy.
Until I hear a knock on my door.
For a second I freeze, wondering who it could be. It could be Niall, it could be Liv, it could be even Harry.
“Ella?” But it’s Charlie who calls at my door.
I sigh heavily, preparing myself. I haven’t told him yet but I’m sure he knows and that’s why he’s here. “Come in,” I say and he opens the door, walking in carefully.
“Hey there,” he says. “Are you okay? We haven't seen you in the whole day.”
“I’m fine, I’m great,” I reply with a smile because I’m fine. Overall, I’m fine. I’m good at dealing with shit and I always focus on the good things.
“Really?” He asks, a confused expression in his eyes as he sits next to me on my bed. “Niall came to us today at lunch time, looking for you. He told us what happened yesterday. Ella, what did you do?”
“I did what I needed to do, Charlie. I broke up with him because for me it’s more important to stand for what I believe.”
“But that doesn’t make you happy, he does! He was devastated, looking for you, hoping to change your mind.”
“But I am happy now, Charlie. I told Rhonda and her face when she realised I’m not doing what she wants was all I needed to be happy. You know me and you know her. You’ve seen all what my life has been. You better than anyone should understand why I can’t just do what she wants me to do, I can’t accept all what she’s caused. I can’t become one of her daughters,” I insist. “Charlie, being with Niall is what Rhonda wants me to do, she wants me to be with a celebrity, to become just someone’s girlfriend so he’ll give me a life she thinks is worth it, but you know that’s not what I want. I can’t be with Niall knowing that I’m, unconsciously, doing what Rhonda has always wanted me to do. It’s like betraying myself.”
Charlie remains silent, thinking of what I’ve told him and I sigh. I don’t expect him to understand, I don’t expect anyone to understand what I’m doing, but I know I’m right. It feels right to do this. It’s not the easiest way out, but it’s the right now. The easy way out would be forget about Rhonda and just be with Niall, but I can’t do that.
“But you love him, don’t you?” He asks.
“Charlie,” I try one more time. “I’ve hated Rhonda for six years and yes, I do love Niall, but I’ve loved him for so little that it can’t compare to the time I’ve spent fighting Rhonda.”
“So you chose Rhonda over Niall,” Charlie summarises but I shake my head.
“No, I chose myself. I chose what I believe in and what I stand for. That’s what I chose, Charlie. Not a boy, not my nemesis. I chose myself.”
Once again Charlie doesn’t reply, he only looks at me and I smile, trying to tell him that this is important to me and that what I believe is right. Maybe another girl would’ve picked the boy, maybe Cinderella would’ve picked love above all, but I’m not Cinderella. I’m Ella, a girl who’s tired of clichés, a girl who’s tired of her stepmother and just wants to live her life and her life doesn’t include a famous boy who’s exactly what her stepmother wants her to be with.
“So you’re sure about this?” Charlie asks, still a bit unsure.
“Positive,” I reply taking his hand and giving him a squeeze. “It’s just like it was when summer began, Charlie.”
“Okay, if this is what you think is the right thing, then I support you. But if you’re sad, if you want to cry or anything, don’t be shy. It’s okay to be sad, even when you know you’re doing the right thing. I’m here for you, and Liv is also here. And I’m sure even Harry would support you, even if he’s friends with Niall. And I bet even Niall will understand this.”
“I hope so,” I say with a weak smile. “I want to remember this summer only with a smile. It was special, it was the best out of all the ones I’ve spent here.”
“And I bet it’s because I was working here, too,” Charlie adds with a cocky smile, making me laugh.
“Totally,” I joke along and we laugh together and it feels great to have him, to laugh with him.
Yes, this is the right thing to do. I’m sure of it. The pain for losing Niall will eventually fade away but the satisfaction for doing this will always stay.
-:-:-:-
Dedication to @whisper_louder because you understood perfectly and you said something very important: "Just keep in mind, that if Niall and Ella are truly supposed to be together, they will find each other again one day"
Bel, xx