Hi guys, here is Chapter 5 for you! Hope you like it, please comment / vote if you do!
This chapter's song is Sweet Emotion by Aerosmith
----------------
The next morning all Jade could think about was Nick and Emily.
Patients usually die within a year of diagnosis.
Jade shook her head roughly, trying to get rid of the thoughts. She pressed the palms of her hands into her eyes so hard it hurt. Why did this happen to people, why? Jade thought it would have lightened somewhat, but the weight of Emily’s disease sat as heavily on her heart as ever. She guessed Emily would be one of the kids she would be working with if she did this thing.
She groaned inwardly, that was another thing she had to worry about. She wished she had just said no to Laura. Then she could start putting this whole disastrous trauma behind her, and get back to her good old mundane life.
But, how was she supposed to do that? If she just acted as if nothing had happened, would it simply fade away? It was easier when it was her own pain, but someone else’s...that was a whole different story.
In one sense she felt as if yesterday had never actually happened, like it had been some sort of crazy dream. But at the same time, every detail was still so vivid to her, as if one tiny step would take her right back to the hospital.
Did she want to turn away and forget it? Jade honestly didn’t know.
She had felt vulnerable last night, and for the first time in a really long time she hadn’t been in control of her emotions. That couldn’t happen again.
This stupid stranger had crashed into her life when she was least prepared for it, her guard had been down and he’d made her care. She really, really didn’t want to care. Especially, and she knew how bad this sounded, but especially because she knew what was going to happen in the end. She didn’t want to deal with that. She couldn’t. The best thing she could do now was to stay away, or try and help without getting too attached.
The hospital job though, Jade wasn’t sure she could do the same thing. She was worried she’d find herself saying yes, even if she didn’t want to; she hated disappointing people.
Ugh, it was too much to think about so early in the morning.
Running over to her closet, Jade pulled out the new shirt dress she’d ordered in from Anthropologie, hoping the brightly coloured print would give her some much needed spunk. Hannah poked her head in the door and Jade immediately stiffened.
“Morning! How did everything go last night? Though I need the condensed version, I gotta leave for work in,” she checked her phone, “exactly five minutes.”
Jade ignored her, throwing the dress over her head and brushing past on her way to their shared bathroom.
“Oh, so you’re ignoring me now, seriously?”
Jade faced the mirror, shaking out her long waves before piling it into a ponytail, as the anger came rushing back “Yes I’m ignoring you. You crossed the line yesterday, and I have nothing to say to you. So get out of my face and leave me alone.”
Guilt trembled on Hannah’s face for a moment, “Look I’m sorry about that, but you know I didn’t mean it, I needed to be brutal.”
Jade remained expressionless, “Maybe I get that, but I don’t forgive you. Now get out, please.”
Anger and frustration immediately wiped out Hannah’s guilt. She had got to be the most open book Jade had ever seen, every emotion ran across her face for the whole world to see. Jade shook her head, it was stupid of her.
“Maybe I crossed the line” Hannah said slowly, “but you’re jumping at the chance to push me away! You know I know you’re going through something. What happened yesterday has brought up all this stuff from last year that you’re trying to repress. You confided in me and since I know what you’re like, yeah of course I’m worried. So now you’re shutting me out, you probably regret telling me anything in the first place. God, are you ever going to grow up and realise you have a problem?”
Jade threw her hands up in the air and gave Hannah an incredulous look. “What the hell are you even talking about? I don't have a 'problem'" She gestured inverted commas, "I’m pissed off that you used Hamish’s death to get me to do what you wanted, even if it was the right thing to do. I’m not your charity case, so stop psycho-analysing me. You never finished that degree remember? You quit, just like you quit everything else you do.”
Hurt flashed across Hannah’s face, wiping out everything else “Looks like I’m not the only one who can be a bitch.” She touched her hand to her nose before storming out, leaving Jade feeling horribly guilty, but also...nope, just guilty. It was weird, but Hannah always touched her nose like that when she was trying hard not to cry.
What was it about people you love that makes you hurt them the most?
Jade hated fighting with her sister. Actually she hated fighting with anyone because one, fighting involves emotions, and two, as hard as she tried to keep herself under control, she’d sometimes get so mad that she’d slip and say something really awful, like just then. Hannah did it all the time, but that was her nature and everyone expected it from her. People never expected it from Jade, so it always cut extra deep. It wasn’t exactly fair, but that’s the way it was.
With Hannah especially, she acted the opposite but she was actually incredibly sensitive. She’d sacrificed a lot to be here with Jade. They were both living out of home before the accident, her with Hamish, and Hannah doing aid work in Africa, but afterwards Jade had moved back home. So Hannah had flown all the way back to come live with her and their parents, which could not be easy at the age of twenty-three.
Now Jade couldn’t care less about what Hannah had said last night, she just wanted to erase that hurt look from her sister’s face. I’ll make it up to her tonight, she thought fervently.
Needless to say, the horde of worries whirling about in her head had Jade so distracted that when she finally got downstairs to leave for uni, she had no recollection of how she’d gotten there.
Making a beeline for the toaster, she greeted her tiny mum with a pat on the head which got her the usual irritated glare. Liana Matherson was the epitome of composed and efficient; not a strand of ebony coloured hair out of place and everything in order. It was only 8:30am and she had already fed the dogs and the fish, put out a load of washing, made dad’s coffee, her and dad’s lunches and all of their vegetable juices, as well as showering and getting ready for work herself. She was basically a super-mum. The downside was that it basically stripped her of all impractical emotions. Well, except for anger maybe, but Jade doubted her mum would deem that one impractical. She was like the perfect Italian housewife, but she wasn't a housewife. Hence the super-mum reference.
“Morning guys”
“Morning honey,” they said in unison, and her mum just couldn’t help adding “Would you stop calling us ‘guys’ already? And don’t forget to drink your juice!”
“You know you love it. Awww mum, that stuff is disgusting!”
Her dad Neil was attempting to hide his chuckles in the background. He was a tall, gangly man, who often seemed like he didn't know what to do with such long limbs. It didn't help that he was a total space-cadet. He lived in his mind, thinking about music, listening to music, composing music, analysing music, you name it. Music was his passion, and he was a total classical purist. It disappointed him to no end when his daughters branched out into other genres. Jazz and old school blues he could handle to an extent, but he really hated rock. Both Hannah and Jade took after him with their soft facial features and freckles, but only Jade got his eyes.
Jade winked at him, preparing for the onslaught.
“We do not love it! It’s disrespectful and makes me feel like a man, which I am most certainly not!” She blinked, “Jade are you trying to distract me again? I am not letting you walk out of here without drinking this. You two are so ungrateful, this is what keeps you so healthy you know!”
Turning around to hand a laughing Jade the glass full of blended vegetables, her eyes widened, “Honey, is that what you’re wearing to uni today?”
“What’s wrong with what I’m –“ Jade looked down. “Oh.”
She had forgotten to take off her pyjama pants, and had put her ballet flats on over her bed socks.
Jade sighed. It was hard being herself.
''''''''''''''''''''''
Fifteen minutes later Jade was sprinting, literally sprinting, to make her train. Cardigan trailing, bag hanging open, slice of toast dangling from her mouth, Jade jumped on just in time. Gasping for air like her nonna on a power-walk, she sent a venomous leer at the passengers who’d been watching her dramatic entrance. They flushed and turned back to their phones.
Yeah that’s right, see how you like it.
Jade made to move towards her usual seat, but her mind balked and she tripped over. Damn, she hated it when her mind decided to do its own thing, bloody rebellious creature. To make matters worse, it decided to then flash her some painful memories from the day before.
No one had helped. Not a single person. What was wrong with the world!
Jade was suddenly really pissed off; at everyone, at everything, and at herself for understanding why they hadn’t helped, for having felt the same way at the time. It was one of her worst fears, being swept up in the society of glazed eyes, where no one was capable of stepping out of their own little bubbles.
But I ended up helping! She cried inwardly, whether in anger or in guilt she wasn’t sure.
As Jade couldn’t seem to make it to her usual seat, she spitefully took tight skirt lady’s usual spot and refused to feel guilty about it. It was actually kind of hilarious watching how confused and uncertain people got when their usual place was taken, like the world had suddenly been thrown off its axis.
Feeling eyes on her back, Jade turned to see hipster guy staring at her. He looked away so quickly, his huge, most likely fake, glasses almost fell off his nose. Jade would have laughed if she wasn’t so furious.
Great, she thought, so now I’m the freak who took the panicked guy off the train as well as the freak who stares at people. Whatever, she was beyond caring now.
Then, for the second time in two days, the train code of non-communication was breached as hipster guy approached Jade, as slowly as a frightened puppy. He even looked a little like a one with his shaggy overgrown hair and huge brown flannel shirt.
What the--? Jade blinked a few times, mouth hanging open in a perfect ‘o’.
He cleared his throat, twice, three times. He seemed to be finding it extremely hard to break the silence with more than just gurgles.
Stranger danger, Jade giggled to herself.
Finally he got it together, “Umm, that guy yesterday,” he was almost whispering, eyes darting around nervously. For someone trying so hard to be individual, he sure cared a lot about what everyone else thought. “He left his briefcase behind. I don’t know if you’re seeing him again or anything, but I thought you should be the one to take it.”
Jade was completely flabbergasted, and touched. Maybe there was hope after all. She gave him a warm smile, “Thanks, that was really nice of you.”
“Whatever,” he muttered, “It’s no big deal.”
Jade rolled her eyes, typical.
He had a strange look in his eyes though, like there was something else he wanted to say. But he couldn’t do it, and slunk back over to his seat. Jade mentally shrugged, not her problem.
Staring at the briefcase she realised she had a way of seeing Nick again, but did he want her to? She shouldn’t, really shouldn’t. Did she want to? Despite what she’d been thinking that morning she knew the answer to that one, as much as she wished she didn’t.
'''''''''''''''''''''
Later that afternoon, Jade found herself stuck in front of the hospital once again, hands trembling. This time she was having a much harder time walking in. Damn, she had thought she was over it, the irrational fear of hospitals that everyone who’s been a patient or lost a loved one has.
Disgusting thing, she thought sourly, they could at least have made it look more welcoming.
Painting the brick white made it look like one of those old mental institutions. It loomed over her like the monsters of her childhood and left her shuddering. Jade rubbed her arms, trying to get rid of the goosebumps.
Ok, here we go.
But her legs were stubbornly refusing to move. She sighed and sank down onto the pavement in defeat, ignoring the glances from passers-by. She couldn’t take the job, she realised. There was no way she could be inside that hospital once a week and remain unaffected. Yesterday she was going in to see if someone else was ok, she knew it was a once off. But this...and all the sick kids, what happened when she came in one Saturday and one of them had died? She would lose it.
Ok, so she’d just walk in and tell them she simply had too much on her hands with uni and exams coming up.
“I’m so sorry, but I just can’t fit it in” she practised saying.
A twinge of guilt pinched her stomach when she thought about Laura.
Well I said clearly I wasn’t making any promises, and I’m never going to see her again so won’t have to face her disappointment.
Her stomach gave another nasty pinch, but she ignored it mulishly. Standing up, she squared her shoulders and hardened her mind.
I will not back down, she told herself firmly, and strode in.
'''''''''''''''''''
An hour later Jade found herself accepting the paediatric surgeon Dr. Grace Lee’s offer to meet some of the children. Before she knew it her conversation with Dr Lee had turned into an interview with the Chief of Surgery and some admin staff, and it had all gone so easily that she'd been caught off guard by the offer.
You suck! She mentally yelled at herself.
She only had to meet the first three patients, and she was a goner. It was more than the fact that they were all adorable, and that the first little girl Kelly had slipped her little hand in Jade’s only a few minutes after they met. No, it was seeing them all so thin and pale, some hooked onto various machines, and others too weak to even sit up. Seeing the parents look at them like they were their whole world, holding back tears because they couldn’t stand to see their child suffering.
Suddenly it didn’t matter anymore that looking after these kids might make her feel things she wasn’t ready to feel yet. None of it mattered at all anymore, because she was feeling something new that was overpowering everything else, this rush through her body of wanting desperately to do something to help, even if it was as small and insignificant as running some activity program. She knew she could do it now because really, it wasn’t about her, and it never should have been in the first place.
Jade shook her head, amazed at how quickly she’d gone from one extreme opinion to the other. Did Dr Lee plan this all along? Jade couldn’t imagine anyone being able to say no after seeing those kids.
“Did you do that on purpose?” Jade asked Dr. Lee accusingly.
“What do you mean?” Dr. Lee replied, the picture of wide-eyed innocence.
“You know what I mean, how can I not say yes now!”
“Well maybe a little. However, I also wanted to see how you were with the children before I even offered you anything. You might be experienced with healthy kids, but these sick ones are a whole new ball game, the same rules don’t apply.”
Jade blushed, geez, was she arrogant much? “Oh, I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t be. Laura was right, you are a natural, and if you’re still willing, I would love to have you run our weekend activity sessions. You gave me your working with children check, but we’ll need a police check too, and there’s a bunch of other paperwork for you to fill out, as well as a book of rules and regulations. But first, let’s get you acquainted with the other little tykes.”
Leading her to the next room, she continued “Now this beautiful girl here is a little angel, but her condition is very delicate. Also,” she lowered her voice to a whisper, “the father gets a little cranky so be careful. Emily, sweetie, this is the new girl Jade. She’s going to run ‘Silly Saturdays’ from now on, would you like to meet her?”
Oh, crap.
Nick’s head snapped up and his mouth dropped open. Confusion clouded his eyes, before being replaced by panic, then finally cold, furious anger.
Wow. Jade thought, feeling pretty panicked herself, he’s almost as easy to read as Hannah.
Jade managed to keep her face impassive, halleluiah for tiny upper hands. What had happened to the guy who had smiled last night? Jade didn’t know what she’d done to make him so angry, and her hand leapt to her silver ring as she braced herself.
“What the fu—GET OUT!” He actually yelled. Yelled.
Jade flinched, unprepared for such a vicious reaction. She had no idea how to respond, so stood there like a mute as both Dr. Lee and Emily exclaimed in surprise.
“Mr. Evans! Please keep your voice down. What on earth is going on here?”
“Daddy calm down, why are you yelling?” Emily’s voice came out slightly wheezy, Jade clenched her jaw as she realised it meant her respiratory problems were beginning. She was a gorgeous little girl though, with thin light brown hair falling to just above her shoulders and a round, delicate face. She had a nasal cannula to help with her breathing and a little clip on her finger that monitored her heart rate. She was so thin that Jade’s heart ached in sympathy.
Nick turned to face Emily and Jade stifled a gasp as his face softened into a loving smile. He looked like a different person. Who the hell changes emotions from one extreme to the other that quickly?
Tapping her on the nose, he said “I’m sorry chicken, I didn’t mean to yell like that. Now I’m going to talk to these two ladies outside for a minute, is that alright?” Nick's eyes had gentled, which allowed Jade to glimpse the underlying fear and exhaustion for just a tiny moment. Jade lowered her eyes to the floor, her heart feeling heavy in her body.
Emily rolled her eyes, which were the same beautiful blue-green colour as Nick’s. “You’re always yelling. When you get back can you read me a story? The TV’s boring.” She turned to Jade, shaking her head as her cheek twitched, “Sorry about my dad, he doesn’t mean to be so grumpy. I’m so glad Silly Saturday’s are back on, they’re the best.”
Jade ignored Nick’s glower as she replied “Don’t worry Emily, my dad gets grumpy sometimes too, they’re just being protective. It was great to meet you, I’ll see you next Saturday!” She and Dr. Lee (whose face seemed permanently stuck in shock mode) left to meet him outside the room. What was he going to say to her? She needed to brace herself, and fast.
Emily squeezed Nick's hand and gave him a warning look before he left. He looked so different in casual jeans and a t-shirt, like it gave him room to breathe and be himself. Not that he was at all relaxed when he met her out in the corridor.
Thank god Jade had sent Dr. Lee away, promising she’d meet her in the conference room, because suddenly she was cornered, with Nick's rather large hands flat against the wall on either side of her head and his furious face literally an inch away from hers. Every muscle in his body was rigid as he fought for control. Jade swallowed hard as her heart leapt into her throat. His eyes were filled with so much anger she had no idea what he would be capable of if she pushed him.
She was damn freaking terrified, but she was determined not to be weak this time. "How dare y-"
“You are not taking the activity session here. Leave, and find some other hospital to hover around.” Nick snarled, his breath fanning across her face.
Didn’t he realise she could get him arrested for treating her like this? He was lucky she knew what was going on with him. She pushed at his arms angrily, and failed. “Get away from me! What the hell is your problem?”
“You’re a piss-weak, annoying little baby who seems to take pleasure in nosing into people’s private lives, that’s my problem. And I don’t want you anywhere near me or my daughter. Do you understand what I’m saying, or are you stupid as well?”
Ouch, that hurt. She didn’t understand where all of this was coming from. Jade studied his eyes as they darkened threateningly. Then it clicked.
Of course.
“You never thought you’d see me again did you? That’s why you decided it was ok to tell me everything, and to actually show a shred of niceness.” She laughed softly.
His eyes narrowed into stormy slits, and Jade thought she could actually see the pulse in his neck beating as his veins stood out.
Whoa. Guess he didn’t like it that she’d figured him out and then laughed about it.
He stared at her unblinkingly, his eyes burning into hers. Slowly, she felt her own body temperature rise.
Was he trying to freak her out?
Well it was working. Jade shifted and lowered her eyes. GAH god damnit! I was so close!
“Piss. Off. That is the last time I’m going to say it.” Nick spoke softly, articulating each of his words with dangerous care.
Jade’s eyes snapped back up to meet his, she didn’t appreciate the threat, at all. “Sorry, no can do you little douchebag. I’ve already accepted the job.”
She grinned up at him, but what she was really saying was...Na na na-na na! It was a move that was extremely out of character, she was never normally so confronting.
Nick bent his head even closer to hers so that their noses were almost touching. He looked so intensely frightening that normal Jade would have been freaking out, she might have let out one single squeak before heading for the hills with her tail between her legs. But Jade wasn’t feeling normal, and she certainly wasn’t acting that way. She was pissed off, so she just glared right back at him.
“Fucking un-accept then. Or is it something else?” Nick leaned back, opened his eyes extra wide and pouted his lips, “Do you think that if I smile at you once, it means you have a chance at getting through to the real me?” He fluttered his dark eyelashes and put on a high pitched voice “Oh Nick, I know you’re a good person deep down. I believe in you!”
He snorted and dropped his voice to a slow taunt. “Then what, I’ll fall in love with you?” He let his eyes travel over her body and smirked cruelly.
Seriously, he actually went there.
What an A-grade asshole! But Jade knew what he was trying to do.
She raised an eyebrow, letting him know his words had no affect on her. “Get over yourself. So you feel humiliated and exposed because I saw you at your most vulnerable yesterday, and you told me more about your life than you wanted to. Now you want to never see me again. I get it, I mean, who wants to deal with the person who’s seen you that way? But grow the fuck up, you don’t have to know me, you don’t even have to talk to me!”
He opened his mouth but she put a finger on his lips to silence him. She realised now that they were connected in a weird way. Maybe they were meant to meet this way, because she understood how he was feeling, at least a little bit anyway. And he wasn’t an awful person, how he was with Emily was proof of that. It was time for her to get over herself and reach out to him, because under all that rage was a fear just as strong, and at the rate he seemed to be going he would never make it on his own.
“But I think you should know me,” Jade continued, “if anything because of yesterday. I was there with you through it all, I saw it all. And now I know your story. So even though you hate everything I represent, this is a good thing because you’ve done all the hardest parts and I’m still here. You don’t need to ask for anything, you don’t have to reveal anything, but I know for a fact you need someone to–”
“I don’t need anyone!” he snarled, clutching her shoulders and shaking her in a way that Jade could have sworn felt more panicked than angry.
“You do.” Jade said calmly, ignoring the fact that her teeth had just been rattled by a near-stranger. Instead, she held up her finger, “’No man is an entire island unto himself.’ I have no idea who said that but it’s true. Believe me, I wish it wasn’t, but it is. You need a friend, and I’m a damn good friend to have. Ultimately though, I guess it’s your choice.”
And with that she slid out from under his grip and began to walk away, giving herself a mental pat on the back for dealing so well with his ridiculously extreme emotions. If she was to show her insides on her outside, she was pretty sure she’d be a quivering mess on the floor, but she was hiding it so well that she was pretty sure she actually looked confident. After a few steps she turned around to catch him staring after her, looking as if he'd just had a bucket of ice water thrown on his face. Jade smiled then. She was so much better at this than he was.
"Oh, and you're briefcase is at reception."