New Year's Eve 2008
Age: 18
"Are you going to tell him?" Mum asked as we entered the function room. The room looked the same every single year, but it held so many memories.
"Yeah, of course I am," I replied, a little irritable at my mum's constant questioning. "I'm trying to find the right moment."
"Well, you have to tell him sometime." Dad chipped in.
"Yes, I know." I sighed, rubbing my forehead in frustration. I wanted nothing more than to go in there and have a good night and forget about all my worries and troubles. But that was not the case.
I shook my head and tried to expel all my negative thoughts and feelings, along with letting out a huge breath. I searched the area for my boyfriend and spotted him talking to his parents. My mood lifted in an instant and a smile made its way onto my face. Robert always seemed to make things better.
Robert spotted me when I saw him, and a huge smile lit up his face. Words didn't even begin to describe how much I was in love with him. He politely excused himself from his parents and made his way towards me. I picked up my pace, and we met in the middle. As soon as we were within touching distance, Robert threw his arms around me and he lifted me and spun me around. He then let go of me when my feet touched the ground, and he captured my lips with his own.
This seemed a little dramatic for a greeting. But we hadn't seen each other in at least two weeks, and that was an awfully long time for Robert and me. We spent every moment together that we could. And when we weren't physically together, we would even fall asleep in the middle of a phone call.
But I saw the space as a good thing, considering we were off to university soon. We could head to universities on opposite sides of the country for all we knew. I also had to prepare myself to tell Robert something important and highly troubling. Troubling for me, at least. But I missed him so much. It was strange how someone can make such an impact on your life that you feel lost without them.
"Is it bad that I've missed you like crazy?" I asked him as both of our hands fell back down to our sides.
Robert grabbed my hands and intertwined our fingers with a cheeky grin on his face. "Nope, because I've missed you like crazy, too."
I couldn't help but grin back. Robert's smiles were infectious. But I then thought about the thing that was always floating above my head — the thing I had to tell Robert — and the smile slipped off my face.
"What's wrong?" Robert asked, noticing my obvious change in demeanour. His forehead creased, and he became very concerned.
I shook my head and plastered a fake smile on my face. It was crazy how he had the skills to read my face like a book.
"Nothing, don't worry about it." I then grabbed Robert's hands and pulled him to the dancefloor, faking enthusiasm. "Let's dance!"
We danced for a little while, but it was hard to fake enthusiasm, and Robert noticed. I usually danced the night away, without a care in the world, but tonight, I couldn't feel the beat of the music to dance to it.
After two dances, Robert still couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. He must have decided to do something about it because he gently took me by the hand and led me to the patio outside. It was the same patio where he told me he was in love with me a year ago to the day.
We stopped in the centre of the patio, and Robert turned to face me. He then placed his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye.
"What's wrong?" Robert asked. I opened my mouth to reply, but he cut me off. "And don't say 'nothing' because It's not nothing. You seem to forget that I know you better than I know myself." I smiled at Robert's words because they were true. He knew me like the back of his hand, and I reciprocated that mood. He placed his hands on my cheeks and forced me to look into his eyes. "Now tell me what's wrong."
Making sure I was gentle, as to not upset him, I pulled away from Robert. I placed my elbows on the bannister around the edge of the patio. Pondering my words, I rested my head in my hands. It was impossible to escape it, because Robert would not stop asking me until I finally broke down and told him. He held so much power over me; I would break down if he asked me enough times.
"I do have to tell you something, but I can't word it," I muttered, closing my eyes. My hands muffled my voice. Robert came and stood next to me and started rubbing my back in soothing circles. I hadn't even told him anything yet, and he already comforted me. This was why I loved him so much and why it was so much harder to put my thoughts into words.
"Try to word it any way you want to. You know I love you, so I'll understand anything." Robert told me. His circles on my back came to an abrupt stop as a worried yet playful tone took over his voice. "Wait, you're not pregnant, are you?"
"What? No!" I screeched as my head whipped up from my hands. I only looked at Robert and fell about laughing. He was joking, yes, but the thought of fathering a child so young had startled him.
"Oh, phew." Robert sighed. "You know I love you and everything, but there's no way either of us could handle being parents yet." We both chuckled at his remark, but the air became serious once more. "Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?"
I sighed a deep breath. I hoped Robert had forgotten about the serious situation because of the non-existent pregnancy scare. But there was no way I could get out of this situation and I had to tell him, no matter how long I tried to put it off.
"So... I got my first letter from a university today." I let out in one breath; I shut my eyes tight, afraid of his reaction.
"Oh wow, the only letter I got was from Manchester." Robert chuckled, pleased with the fact that he had got into the university of his choice. "Anyway, what did they say?"
"I got in."
"What? That's amazing!" Robert exclaimed. He ran towards me and grabbed me by the waist before spinning me around twice. He kissed me on the cheek when he placed me back down. "I knew you'd get in! Which university is it?"
"This is the difficult bit," I muttered, mainly to myself. "It's in Scotland."
"Scotland?"
"Yeah," I mumbled. "Remember that fantastic university I was telling you about? The one with the amazing art programme? I went to the open day a few months back, and it just felt like home. Do you remember?" Robert nodded in understanding. "It's that one."
"Oh," was all he muttered, distracted.
"They've also given me early acceptance," I told him, making matters even worse. "You know, where they give some students the chance to start their degree early?"
"Yeah," Robert said. He still attempted to keep the mood light when I brought it down. I admired how he could do that, because I was currently wallowing in my own self pity. "How early are we talking?"
I let out a deep breath. This was the difficult bit. "February."
"February? That's like two months away?" Robert questioned, although the answer was obvious. "Well, we will have to make the most of the two months and then we'll have to deal with seeing each other a little bit less."
I shook my head slowly. "No, Robert. I don't think I can do that. You know how long-distance relationships don't work."
"What are you saying?" Robert asked. His voice had dropped to a whisper, and he was biting his lip as if he were attempting to keep himself together.
I looked up at Robert; my own eyes had filled with tears. It didn't take long for Robert's eyes to match mine. "I'm saying... that I think we have to break up."
"No, no, no, no," Robert kept repeating to himself, making me feel ten times worse. "This can't be happening. We can't be breaking up, because I love you and you love me."
He told me that as if it would solve all our problems.
"It's because I love you that I'm doing this," I told him, trying to justify my actions. I didn't even believe it myself. "We need to be able to live our own lives and discover ourselves while we're at uni. Imagine, we'd never see each other because we'd be too busy doing our own thing. And then when we did meet up, we would end up arguing, anyway. Let's leave it now when we're still on good terms." I then smiled sadly. "And you never know, in a few years, when we both have our degrees, we may meet again. We may still have a spark. We may not."
Why was I doing this? I didn't want to break up with him, because I loved him too much. But I figured this was for the best. If we were meant to be with each other, we would meet again, and it would be like nothing ever happened. Like I didn't break his heart. I hoped that was the case.
"Just know," Robert muttered. "I know we belong together. I will never stop loving you. You will come back to me eventually, I know that. And I'll be here."
I hoped that was true.
I walked up to Robert and stepped on my tiptoes and placed a soft kiss on Robert's cheek. It wasn't fair to either of us, but it was something I had to do. I turned around and went to the glass doors. I closed my eyes — attempting to keep the tears in — when I heard Robert's voice coming from behind me.
"Happy New Year, Scarlett," said Robert.
"Happy New Year, Robert," I replied.